When People With Depth Cross Paths With Veneer Types

I’ve been sitting on this for several weeks, trying to figure out how to write it.  First, I want to say that I think this is more of a problem for young people then it is for older people. A young person who is inherently deep and soulful can be quite damaged when they cross paths with someone who is more superficial. Of course the person with the depth might lash out and cause some damage of their own but that is not what this is about.

This is on my mind because I have a client with a lot of depth who got involved with a man who had very little. It wasn’t immediately apparent but after awhile I  realized he only had three cards.  He had three cards where she has a whole deck of fifty two but he played his cards so well, he really jacked her up.

I’ll tell you what his three cards were (and are and will continue to be).

Card 1 – He could treat her well, like big daddy.
Card 2 – He could berate her.
Card 3 – He could take space.

Can you see how deadly that combo is?   He tells you you’re great, he tells you that you suck, then he tells you that he needs some space.  He could play any of those cards at anytime,  in any order and the result for her would be devastating. Punch, kiss, withdraw, kiss, punch, punch, withdraw, kiss…

What struck me about this is that she’s the one with the full deck but he was the one who had command so here is my advice: If you are also holding 52 cards, stay away from people who only have 3! Also, learn to play the cards in your hand.

Here is a Nick Lowe tune, for the quirky out there – The Gee And The Rick And The Three-Card Trick. A song like this is how I diminish a man like the one I described.

How many cards are you holding and how well do you play them?

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When People With Depth Cross Paths With Veneer Types — 32 Comments

  1. wow, thanks for this post.

    i’m not sure i have all 52, but i immediately sense when someone i meet has fewer than i do.

    it’s not as easy for me (double pisces) to recognize the cards they are playing. but eventually i see a pattern and get tired of the same ol’ same ol’ thing.

    when i do finally realize it, i get stuck, though, because i really don’t know which of my cards to play, (or maybe don’t want to because i’ve lost interest). sometimes i feel that if i really can’t be at ease, and have to work at bluffing or holding my hand and waiting to see which card is played to make a move, then i don’t even want to play.

    i just don’t like superficiality in any form, but i know it is more accepted and more common. i’m just not at ease with it.

    this happens often between me and libra types. must be my aries that gets in the way, so i usually just default to my aqua merc and mars in the 11th, which is just to detach and move on. so see, i really don’t know how to play.

  2. I’ve dated this guy. Not literally, but figuratively, of course.

    And you are right. It will throw you for a loop. The thing is, in my instance at least, the base of my operation was depth. In my naivete, I expected others to operate from the same base. I also expected that they would be in the relationship for the good of the union, if that makes sense. Sometimes, especially in this case, that just isn’t true. There are people out there that are *in* relationships just to feed their ego and if that means inflating you then deflating you and manipulating you for their own gain, then that’s exactly what they do! Some people just suck that way.

    At the same time tho, it is inherently sad. I mean how cursed would you have to be to live like that?

    Eventually, after searching and probing for depth and meaning within this person and finding nothing below the surface, the veil finally dropped. It always hurts (at least I think so) to find out you have given someone more weight than they are worth. I did learn a lot from that relationship.

    And, I agree with you. Know what cards you have. Sometimes that is the hard part versus *waiting* for someone to deal you your hand.

  3. Wow, great artical,right to the clear and bottom line point! I like that, thanks for the simple eye opener! I am going to take it and run now.

  4. Great post Elsa, you definetely brought back memories!!
    I think you describe the pattern of behaviour very acurately.
    It is very useful to write about these things,especially for younger women, who could and should be spared the experience of dating these types!In the best of cases it is a waste of time and energy.

  5. Dang Elsa. This is probably the best relationship advice I’ve ever read. Succinct and to the point and 100% applies to me. You could’ve been talking about me and my ex.

    I will be sure not to repeat this mistake again. Thank you thank you thank you!

  6. @Josi….I dated this guy too. It became very confusing and I had to end it. Now, he has only nice things to say about me and actually took responsibility for his bad behavior. Too late baby.

  7. :). Awesome. Aside from the very well articulated deeper insight here there’s also the observation that you have two people at the same table playing very different games.

  8. Ouch :(. I can relate. And not just with the opposite sex but with people or groups in general. People with a full deck have a tendency of being misunderstood when they are younger…

  9. Another reason why my last relationship dragged on was because I was in such denial! I kept imagining my ex had more cards than he really had! Even when he fully admitted how simple he was!

  10. I have about 129 cards, many of which I’ve never played. Some of them actually belong to the same deck, but most are from various, unrelated games, including a Get Out Of Jail Free card from Monopoly. Some I’ve not found any use for yet. I’m still trying to find a Valentine card.

    Against the 3 Card Molly types I’ve developed a simple strategy called I Just Burned All Your Cards While You Weren’t Looking And Now Let’s See You Develop Something More Original. Typically, the most idiotic individuals will respond by trying to play the strongest card they used to have, which of course is kind of difficult, not to mention embarrassing. The smarter ones will simply take the game elsewhere and start all over again, because the game is all they have and all they are. With a bit of bad luck and a hard Saturn transit, they run into somebody who only has one card to play, the Lemme See The Color Of Ya Liver card.

  11. @ Denise, I can relate to that too. According to *my* guy I “showed him what love truly was.” Yeah, go play your joker card elsewhere. I’m taking my reformation deck and going home..lol

  12. It takes me awhile to get the pattern. It repeats and repeats, and I end up exhausted or tired of the circle game, and then split. I’ve got a whole deck, but there’s some smudging yet to work through.

    This card thing brought back a happy quirky mom minute. After dear ol dad, passed on, mom was on her own and suffering some dimentia (Mind was good, but mechanical brain was failing.) The priest came for a visit and talking with him I think she got that she still had work to do here. She looked at him very humbly in unspoken agreement, but replied don’t expect too much, after all I got all jokers. She was an avid card player throughout her life. I like laughing memories.

  13. Very interesting article. In many ways, your analogy of depth vs. shallow corresponds to Meyer Briggs concepts of N – INtuitive vs Sensate. I think that sensate people, who are after all 75% of the population miss many cues when it comes to intuitives and can intentionally or unintentionally, crush them.

  14. debdeb – I agree they have a tendency to be mis-understood when they’re younger. I also think that when you’re young and you have 52 cards you’ve not had enough life experience to try out all 52 cards, maybe 30 and the other ones that they SHOULD be using they don’t quite understand which ones fit where. A good older confidant, aunt, godmother, mentor, can be EXTREMELY valuable to a 52 card person. In fact, I suspect they need a mentor or aunt more than most and will get more out of the experience than most.

  15. Elsa you are truly a genius. All your posts hit home to me – this one cuts across all the boards.

    Elsa do more of these – your depth is phenomenal, your life experience extraordinary. Oh does the world need you.

    Thank you. I love visiting your wisdom tent.

  16. Wow! What an amazing metaphor!!!! I got all of that with one swipe….usually takes me a couple times (Merc in Taurus). Well done, thank you!!! 😉

  17. Hi Elsa,

    This is so ‘on point’ for me at the moment!

    I’ve just left this ‘type’. He masqueraded as deep and spiritual for the first 3 months of the relationship but by the end i.e. 10 months I found myself looking at him and thinking “Huh, you’re a savage!”

    Good ol’ Pisces Moon meant I kept on wanting to believe there was depth and sensitivity there but eventually I had to concede to the reality that there was something lacking in him. He just didn’t have my depth, compassion or sensitivity.

    No anger, no judgement, I just ‘got it’. He can’t play to my ‘strengths’!

  18. @janne: I seriously LOL’d reading your comment. 😀

    I honestly don’t know how many cards I have. I know I’ve got a bunch, but they keep getting lost in the fan!

  19. Yup – I’ve dated this guy, too!!! This is a perfect analogy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or just plain narcissism – the narcissism-afflicted manipulate you into folding some of your cards to make themselves feel better for their own lack, i.e. supplement their narcissistic supply.

  20. I’m a Pisces and my husband is an Aquarius. I used to have 3 cards to my life, but gradually as I became more self aware and grew into my own skin as I got older, I developed the whole 52 deck of myself. I then came across the Aquarius in my life who still has 3 cards to himself. He does the exact same thing as you described. However, since I’ve learned from other people who keep throwing their own 3 card BS at me, I’ve learned how to teach my husband how to bring out his own 52 deck. He hasn’t brought it all out, but he’s learning. Each time I see an opening to teach him about any of the ‘cards in his deck’ (he doesn’t know he has them all already), we come that much closer to each other as a couple. This teaching him will take time, but it will be well worth it.

    If you truly love someone and they are a ‘3 card person’ and you are the full deck, teach them with patience and time. Each step you make towards them, the each step they take to get closer to you with more love to give. That’s what makes a marriage really work. Once your partner has their full deck to their soul, they’ll be stronger for themselves and you too will be stronger cause you learned a lot along side your partner.

    Just be careful not to let the ‘3 card person’ take away your cards of your full deck. That’s when it becomes negative and poisonous in the long run. Same can be said about friends you come across. Same thing applies in teaching them the same tactics. If they don’t want to learn, you’ll know when that happens and that will be a time to walk away before all your ‘cards’ are on the floor and being burned.

  21. Elsa, astrologically, how can you spot someone with a 3-card deck? Also, especially if you are inexperienced, how do you know that you potentially hold the whole deck?

  22. Only experience will tell you..

    I missed this but was sent the link. Boy do I recognise this. I met someone like this when I got back from Italy and my broken marriage – we;d known each other twenty years before. I’d been celibate for a year and we kinds fell into bed and into a ‘relationship’ and he acted just like this guy did. I’d always suspected there was little too him other than good looks – and so it turned out. But it was very very bruising at a moment when I needed support and reassurance, not a punch in the gut.

    After that I went back to guys with the full deck – equally bruising, but finally far more worth the bother! At least I was sparring with an equal, even if he was a lot younger than me

  23. this is a really good article! *smh in awe* lol
    after my experiences early in life relationship wise, i agree with Blessed Place above, that sparring with an equal is much satisfying.

  24. Well that was unexpected. I never thought I would find a blog post covering this subject.
    The danger in this, for myself, lies in the fact that I tend to project my Depth on others A LOT.

  25. I don’t remember reading this blog post before, but it is awesome and timely for what happened to me at work today. A great reminder to not throw pearls before swine.

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