What Do People Want From You?

Renoir A Waitress at Duval's RestaurantI’ve been writing (and revealing) for fifteen years at this point. I’m aware that people want me for a purpose and the purpose is often narrow.

Narrow, like the gal who contacts me every 18 months or so. She wants me to talk about her mother (and mine).  

I like the gal. She’s kind. She moves me. I’ve tried to build more of a connection with her but she’s not interested. She wants to come and go which is something I can understand.

There is another gal who contacts me at about the same interval. She pings when she’s terribly desperate (or super-hopeful.  Both states are extremes, see?  Both states are outside her norm.

She’s gives me the impression she’s talking while she can, until she goes back to her norm. But for all I know, she talks to me to get back to her norm!

I guess these people may be interacting with my hologram, though I know these people in real life. One thing’s for sure, they don’t want to deal with the whole of me.

I realize now, very few people want to deal with the whole of me, which made me ask if I would like to deal with the whole of others. Actually, I would.

I would like to deal with the whole of others, but there are limitations that prevent it. For one thing, close relationships with men are out. I’m married!  I’m just not going to be able to hang around and get to know a man in any way that is even remotely intimate.  But knowing women is hard too. Because of time!  My time or theirs.

I’m lucky to have had very close relationships in my life. I lack this now, having just moved. I miss my Woman’s Club women and our four-hour long lunches.  We were all invested at that time.

I am forming relationships here, which is one of the reasons I’m thinking about this. I have a few contacts here, they like to text. I don’t like to text, but I am doing it anyway because I like the people.  But I guess I realize I should consider what these people want.  They want to text…

And that’s okay. I enjoy it. But it’s not the same as a friend who’ll look you in the face, drive out of their way to see you and such. Put their money down, basically. Invest it in you.

I don’t mind being available for people who aren’t available for me. It’s a service, isn’t it? And I need to serve or else.  But we’re not really friends, are we? I’m starting to see this.

Are there people you contact in certain circumstances or for a certain purpose, but otherwise ignore? 

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What Do People Want From You? — 47 Comments

  1. Hmmmm, I have been following you for at least 12 years, maybe more. I’ve always thought you would make a great friend. I’ve enjoyed all your writings about your life…. you are an interesting person Elsa, so who wouldn’t want to invest?! 🙂

      • A lot of people don’t like the phone. I don’t know. People don’t do things in person like they did before technology. They don’t want to clean their house? It’s too hard for some reason.

        I miss the women’s club ladies because making time and space in their lives for friendships was a priority.

        I also think people have a lot of secrets. Shame of some kind. Easier to keep people at a distance.

        • I agree with the 1st & 3rd paragraphs. The 2nd is personal to you, but I also appreciate people making time for cultivating and maintaining friendships.

          And the ”social phobia” comment you made earlier was right on target. I’m less kind, I call it ”social retardation”, and it’s remarkable how noticeable it is in these times. Interacting with people seemed a hell of a lot easier back in the 70s & 80s than it does now. I think people feel more & more isolated, and it’s effecting all their relationships.

  2. First of all.. Thank you for investing ? I know the struggle of moving and making new friends, it’s not easy… I live in Denmark and my closest friends live in the states.. I met them online in a broadcast a year ago and meet them in person 3 months ago and got to spend 8 days with the one I’m closest to.. I was of course nervous to see if this friendship would hold up IRL face to face and to my surprise, it was even better than online.. So I’m going back to see them in 20 days ?

  3. I try hard not to do that. I don’t like to think even in passing that I might be using someone. But sometimes it just is what it is…certain people fit certain needs.

  4. This makes me so sad. It’s so Virgo. Virgos are very underappreciated and taken for granted a lot of times. I have so many Virgos in my family. They all feel like this. 🙁 I hope Jupiter gives Virgo all blessings they deserve. Makes me want to quit texting people so much and go and see them more. Yes, I have been guilty of only contacting people for certain reasons and then sort of withdrawing. Most of the time it’s because I feel I’ve been a burden on them in some way.

  5. I just spent some time driving around finding a site for a class reunion of many classes from my high school (didn’t) and then finding a different classes ‘official’ reunion. These are people I talk to quite regularly on line. I spent 12 years, every day of my life with them- in classrooms and in the lunchroom. And you know what? I like them again in the flesh. It was REFRESHING and REAL and SO much better than even the best of electric info (but we do what we can). I’m still high. People don’t remember what they’re missing. (Or know yet for you) But when they find out… they will be knocking on your door!

  6. There’s two main reasons folks would prefer text over phone or face-to-face interactions. The first is: busy people like to multi-task so they can speak with you while they’re in a waiting room or walking to the bathroom or before they start up their car to heading out to a job or some other obligation or errand. The other is: both phone and face-to-face interactions takes the control out of their communication. If, for example, you say something that hits on a truth they didn’t want exposed, they might break down in the tears or be speechless or have awkward body language. Those are all vulnerabilities a personal interaction would bring up that could be avoided with a text or email. Texting also allows the ability to think about what they’re going to ask or say so they aren’t sitting there lost for words. I tried to save money by turning off my cell phone and using my land line phone only but pretty much lost most of my “friends.” They constantly plead (via email because they claimed they didn’t have time to call) that they were really busy and sorry we couldn’t meet up…but it’s like never. After awhile I just kind of expect it. People decide who are important in their lives and that’s the only person who gets their time. These same people would call out of the blue to dump unresolved feelings about the person they gave their time to that wasn’t answering calls or not giving them the same attention. lol. Hypocrites. I became their emotional tampon during “episodes.” Otherwise I got the email with a bunch of apologies. I don’t think real friendships are appreciated anymore. We’re all a bunch of “acquaintances.”

  7. Quite the opposite. In Las Vegas, my “friends” contact me when their life gets to be too much, they want to vent, the conversation is one-way. It’s all give-give-give on my part, and I always pay for Happy Hour, or they’re into a new multi-level marketing scam and want to sign me up for some crap. Otherwise, I don’t hear from them. I went thru chemo and not one of them called, texted, sent a card, not even email.

    In Ca, my friends are there for me and I’m there for them. We share, converse, laugh, just like friends should.

    You and I have had words about this situation and I think I’ve hit the wall.

    It’s impossible to build on something that has no foundation. (Texting can build a nice foundation with girlfriends, it’s a good start).

    • I’m so sorry no one reached out to you when you were going through chemo. It’s a good reminder to just reach out to someone just to say hi, how are you! You never know what they may be going through. And it’s nice to hear from someone who genuinely what’s to say they’ve been thinking of you.

  8. I feel like I’d like to invest but realistically I know that I wont. I can’t take a risk in depending on others so I know it will be all others depending on me and I’m just exhausted by the prospect. Also time and transportation are a problem. Honestly I’ve lost all my close friends recently because my husband has had problems with them or their partners. I don’t want to go through that again.

  9. What a rare thing in this world, someone who genuinely likes people, for themselves, with no agenda…other than genuine friendship.
    Elsa, you are a rara avis, a rare bird.

  10. I have a couple of friends I have made online. Because these friendships would be hard for my husband to understand (he is very suspicious of online activity, even though these are women), I limit communication to text and email or if I alone would happen to be traveling in their area. And I feel so bad, because I would like to know I would be there any time they need me.
    I am working on forging more frequent face time with another friend. We met through our relationships with the men of this clan but our friendship has grown past that and is just a wonderful bonding of another adventurous spirit with which to share so much.
    I have found that, definitely, most of my other friends have children or horses (lol for real!) that are priorities, as they should be! So we work around that. Also, I am much freer when my husband is traveling.

  11. I feel the same really. When I moved here I had to get a new mobile phone because everyone texts – NO ONE uses the landline like they did where I was before. Back there I only had a mobile for emergencies. I hate it – it’s ok for making arrangements (and it’s free) but you can’t chat or have a proper talk, not with the signal the way it is round here. I do like face to face meetings too, but that seems to have gone by the wayside. When I do meet people usually they just want to gossip, which I find boring and exhausting. And people don’t drop in to the house anymore the way they used to. As a culture we seem to be grooming ourselves into isolation.

  12. I am lonely. I haven’t had a friend in years.

    I used to try to look at my cousin as my best friend because we hung out together all the time, but in reality she was just tolerating me. When she moved she didn’t bother to keep me in her life, and this was painful. My sisters keep me at arms length, as much as I have tried getting closer to them since we moved up here.

    I’ve also tried making friends with women since I’ve been married, but they were single and living la vida loca or didn’t pass the ‘test’ with my husband.

    It’s hard finding women who share similar interests as me. Who can relate to situations in my life. I don’t have anyone to talk to, so I come here and vent.
    It’s hollow though; people scare me but I need contact.

    • My husband always decided who and who I shouldn’t associate with. Your potential friends shouldnt have to pass any test by your husband. You and you only should decide who you would like to have as a friend. I’m beginning to really have some hard feelings for controlling men. Never again.

    • Sorry, Goldie(((hugs))). I can relate. In my case, Lady Fate seems to be pounding home a lesson of emotional self-sufficiency. I did have a burst of socialization when Sun and Mercury were conjunct in Leo, but it didn’t last. My hubby wouldn’t presume to do such a thing as set tests for who my friends are. He’s a great guy, and my best friend, but sometimes I need the company of the Sisterhood, too….

  13. i’m terrible at relationships, probably for every reason out there. pluto has been crossing over my descendant, my progressed sun just moved up there too. its time to work on this.
    a big the problem, for me, is heightened sensitivity to other people’s reactions–always feeling like i f’d up something somehow–which stems from instability/rejection in my early primary relationships.
    i’m not sure if its the pluto influence, but i think this is core stuff. the way we relate to others is a direct expression of our relationship with ourselves. we see our reflection in the people around us. etc. etc. when we love others unconditionally, its because we love ourselves that way. its easy to know this but not so easy to live it.

    • I feel just like you – not easy with people, although I think it is good to have contacts.
      The uneasiness stemming in early relationships (including childhood/family, if this is what you’re referring to).
      Well said. And ditto, even if you understand that might be cause, it’s still hard to fix it.

  14. I am about to be sprung from the cage I’ve been in the last 7 years. I love driving, cars, people my ex would not ever be able to connect to- I am going mobile and getting together with people. Including my favorite astro lady 😉

  15. I know the feeling, Elsa. Certain people only want u for certain things, and u can’t open up and express ur whole personality around them becoz that would blow them away. And another example is like when my nieces come to their Grandma’s house they expect food, love and attention, never mind the fact that they hardly ever pick up the phone to say “hello, how r u?” during the week and/or if they’re busy with something, u just don’t hear from them at all. It’s sort of just u have to set ur boundaries and do the best u can with ur family and friends, but I hope once Saturn leaves my 12th house, things will get better. I had not really figured on Saturn being so bleak! I feel sometimes I just give and give, etc. I need to go back and review my notes from when I took the class with you!

  16. Technology is a big culprit in today’s time. Back in the 80’s while growing up, one of my grandmother’s had a phone in her kitchen and the cord stretched all the way into the living room. Haha! She would be on the phone talking to people while she cooked and whatever else she was doing in her kitchen. People used to visit each other and sit around and talk on the porch or in the house just hanging out talking. Now, I see people in the same room as each other, texting each other. I have always liked sitting around talking about how things used to be. But that is a rarity now.

    And I have come to accept that a person represents parts to other people. Who truly gets to really know another person unless you are in the same house or family? It is like a person who sees you as their advisor and when they need help they run to you and get your help and then you don’t hear from them until they need your help again. People are just like this and I don’t even think they realize what they are doing. It is an interesting post that delves into a person’s psychology and makes you wonder why they are the way they are.

  17. Those women might have been burnt themselves in their past. I’ve met ‘spiritual’ people on blogs/websites who have their political agenda, and if you don’t meet them, out you go.

    This man was on a spiritual blog then when I posted a comment that was against his Democratic beliefs, out his site I go. I didn’t know he was a democrat and I don’t even have any political affiliations.

    Could be they have a problem with authority and have been lied to, in the past. This would explain them being overly careful at times.

  18. I moved a lot over the first 17 years of my marriage because my husband was a military officer. He retired and we settled in one city. I found myself slow to make friends because I wanted ‘connection’ not just acquaintances and that takes time. But you have to reach out to make acquaintance that lead to real friendships. You are doing that by following your instincts (going to hospitals where your tender administration is needed is a perfect example). I have friends on both coasts that are long time and dear and I have one friend where I am now that I know will be one no matter where she or I go.

  19. I don’t know that anybody wants me for anything. I mean I am in mutual help networks, mutual holiday networks, mutual activity networks. But I am on friendly terms with most of them so we enjoy each other’s company. I think we all respect that we each are engaged in our individual lives and come together when we do. Embracing all of me, I don’t know if that’s possible. I guess I share different things with different people. When one or the other(s) get the itch for the thing, we get together. Shared activity I suppose. I’ve never had anyone in my pocket. And I have had to learn to take no prisoners. Like that was possible. Cancer moon (come closer) quincunx chiron in aquarius (stay away from me). Doi yoi yoi!

    • That is what I was talking about earlier. A person presents different aspects to the people they are with and I agree with you, people really can’t get the entire you, it is not possible. My Scorpio grandmother always told us that you really don’t know what is in the heart/mind of the people you are with. You may think you do, but you can’t really know.

  20. It’s lovely that you’re so genuinely interested in someone deeply and genuinely Elsa, that’s your eighth house stellium I suspect, I have eight house sun mad merc (ascendant is gemini so my merc is quite strong) I love to ‘connect’ with everyone openly, at the shop, at hairdresser’s, at the funeral house, wherever. But not everyone wants that, others want to use it for their own agenda, others throw it back, others want more than is possible. This is scorpio energy, it NEEDS to connect, deeply, authentically, intimately and permanently if possible. I can understand you Elsa, that’s why I tune in to you daily, I can relate, sometimes what we give out gets misinterpreted and we feel shortchanged but we have to give, we can’t keep it in and that’s just great because sometimes that energy meets up with others who get it and it’s a bond for life, a bond that can do something good, make a difference, create something empowering for others.

  21. This has been a common thing my whole life,,

    The funny thing is they feel shamed or embarrassed or something after unloading there garbage on me, then avoid me. It’s mostly women who do this, ,,,glad I was here to help,,,,,they think I’m a therapist or something,,
    They feel comfortable being themselves around me then poof a different person,,, ‘,,,,,,,,,neeeext

    Got to love humans 🙂

  22. Virgo here. For years, some people in my life would only appear when they needed help, favors, money. They would be angry if I happened to be busy or unable to do Ll they needed. Or pleased with help, and pressing for more, the. – gone again for awhile. Zero interest in me, just saw me as some helper. I cut them out. I gladly help other friends and family w who. I have a normal relationship.i have watched the users land on others like Mosquitos.

  23. This post hits home. Yes, what do people want me for ? Good question, something I have been thinking about. Venus Rx in my 9th, defining what separates professional and personal relationships. Lines get blurred and its not always that rigid, when you work involves life and relationship stuff. I am great listener but the other day had coffee with two friends. One insisted on paying and it slipped out of her (after all you sat and listened to everything i said and i feel so much better). She also said somewhere in our conversation how good it was to have me as one of her contacts. The other, kept hugging me saying she feels so relieved to finally reveal her suffering she has kept locked in for so long. She too wanted to offer me something. I am new to my city and these friends are newish in my life

  24. Hello Elsa, maybe it is a certain misunderstanding: A “business contact”, you as the counseller and such, might be difficult to start a personal relationship. There might also be a certain respect. Just guessing. Regards,

  25. Luckily I have rarely had the experience of people who contact me only when they need me, but I think that’s because I know very few people.
    As for the people I do know, it seems they need to talk, so I just listen! That’s OK with me, usually it makes me feel “helpful” in some way.
    When I need to talk I usually do so with my work buddy, or I just talk with myself – that way I don’t get interrupted!!!

  26. I can totally relate to what you’ve written. I’m having the same feelings. I prefer relating to the whole person, rather than a fragment. I like seeing all sides of people and expressing all sides of me. And like you, people seem to have a hard time with accepting the whole of me. I have only a few close friends, and a few handfuls of those fragmented/compartamentalized kind of friendships you describe. People who only pop up once in awhile, for a specific reason have started to bore me. Strangely enough, I had a big turn-around with this when Saturn was stationing direct: went off facebook and told my friends that they could skype or telephone me if they want to connect. I’m tired of text-only relationships — I need the warmth of the human voice from time to time, if not, I feel like I’m living in an illusion (Neptune in 1st House). I know I’m going to suffer over this choice, but I accept that because I know it’s healthier for me in the long run.

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