I mentioned the priest’s remark about my development, out of context. There was enough interest in the post, I thought I’d elaborate, because it’s interesting and it ties in my last two posts.
We were talking to the priest about our marriage, but really, about marriage in general.
From a Catholic standpoint, married people are in it together. One partner cannot just run off ahead to leave the other behind. They also can’t trample one another and expect to get anywhere. They simply have to consider each other at all times because they are joined.
If both parties believe (Sagittarius) this, it creates a strong foundation (Saturn). The partners fare well if they help each other to grow and develop.
The key thing is the tie. If the tie is not there, the mutual commitment, the shared belief, then I don’t know what you have. But nobody wins a two-legged race without considering their partner. So if you want to develop yourself, you’ve got to help your partner develop, provided you have this kind of commitment.
How comfortable are you with the idea of having to move in tandem with another?
Even that picture gave me the jibblies. :/ I know you have to sacrifice for kids, that is taxing but necessary. But to be joined at the hip with someone who offers only conditional love aaaand to sacrifice diligently for children…it is my knee jerk pessimism. That men dont ‘accept’ you but require some playacting (the smooth legged doe eyed ever put together good cook at the least) but then again i require playacting, sensitivity, and a good appearance too. My parents model for me that married people can’t hang out separately (I mean with friends), if you can’t hang out with both, forget it. But im different than my mom, more cardinal, more seeking of a personal sanctuary to recharge. I get very claustrophobic without my own sanctuary. Not sure how to work it out. I have no Libra and enough oppositions where corresponding to people is a challenge. I met up with a friend from another country who kind of married a guy, maybe not Mr perfect, but the nice, pedantic, unattractivish, intelligent type. She sometimes contemplates dropping it, but for complicated reasons she might not be able to get a better deal. Hes a bit like a lead weight on her leg, but he has a function. I learned myself how wired I am to spend time alone with female friends or friends of any gender. It is tougher to function or bond when there is this male companion there. Tougher to be vulnerable and have personal conversations. Tougher to negotiate the fear that I’ll hit on him or ignore him. It sucks if married people as a rule can’t hang out one on one with their single friends. One thing I also think is many women are wired to follow the pattern of their mother in some ways.
I am married and my husband and I go out without each other periodically. I think it’s healthy to have outside interests. Tonight I am meeting a friend for drinks and he is going to watch football and have drinks with her husband while the kids are asleep. My husband and I also have gone on Hen and Stag weekends and all has been fine. I think it comes down to trust and people who can’t go out without the other are not fully trusting of the other (my opinion). But I have a mostly Cardinal/mutual chart in air so perhaps that is why. My husband is also very mutable and Cardinal as well. He’s more water than air.
“How comfortable are you with the idea of having to move in tandem with another?”
Not comfortable at all.
I think I also believe that in marriage there is the ‘stubborn’ character (cardinal type) and the more flowing character. Who has to be more clever. Usually the woman. Im worried i wont learn these things, or want more than im willing to give. Also i can be irascible (in a way I think is ‘fun’) and unbending, relationships ended cause neither would compromise, we wouldn’t stop trying to control each other, and we were also a horrible match 😉 I have made a friend recently though who is cardinal and a relatively young wife. Like me she is stubborn, unsubtle, passive aggressive, teases in an insulting manner, too soft in a maternal way, gives in at the wrong time, is ready to bolt or divorce him if he insults her. She is cardinal and her husband is fixed. She is hyper pessimistic about her marriage and cancerian. Don’t know how that one plays out. I don’t think cancerian energy is one that is sensual or smart in a feminine way. Its like trying to break down a door with a battering ram and saying sorry and ‘are you ok’ after every hit.
I like the idea, at least on paper. 😉
My father hated my mother so much he beat her to a pulp putting her in the hospital before running off to marry another woman who was younger, prettier and childless. From a very young age, I saw my mother age rapidly and succumb to chronic depression while living the rest of her life single. It scared me so bad, I spent my younger years in a fruitless search for a husband.
After struggling all my life as a single woman, 5 yrs. ago I met a man who is the closest thing I will ever have to a spouse. Finally I have love, acceptance and trust with someone who knows almost everything about me. It all happened when I was not looking for it and let my guard down and ignored all the rules. I also learned that I have Cancer ascendant, which means Capricorn descendant and that attracts cold hearted partners. I also have Saturn Aquarius in the 8th, so my partner is not going to be so giving. So, I am happy with my situation finally and accept the fact that I will never marry.
Still, I am always envious of all the good marriages I see all around me. Many women being cared for and coddled by their responsible husband providers. Women who don’t have to lift a finger to clean or cook, whose husbands play the role of nurturer and caregiver and provider while she complains of her suffering. It’s nice to see, but I will always be secretly jealous.
The message I got growing up was a woman was only worth her looks to a man. I am still puzzled when I see a man stay with a woman who seems to not sleep with him. I was taught that a man is only interested in a woman who had sex appeal. How fortunate for these woman I see that their husbands are obviously in it for so much more than that. If I had a good husband like that I would cater to his every desire out of gratitude for giving me a home filled with love and compassion.
My daughter has Cancer ascending and therefore Capricorn descending and she is married to a wonderful man! It’s like they are true soul mates- quite an amazing match! Where the Capricorn/Saturn influence comes in is that he is almost 20 years older than her. They have been through a lot together which has only strengthened their bond. (So Saturn, no?)So Capi descending does not indicate disaster where marriage is concerned. I’m seeing a flip side to just about everything these days. Maybe my Pollyana Sagi sun or my stellium in Libra, but I think we should always expect the best outcome because it makes the present a lot more pleasant.
Yes, Sarah so happy for your daughter. It’s probably just me. I have Mars conjunct my IC and Saturn opposed my Sun so that may not be helping me. My wonderful, long term love is 14 yrs. my senior and so I understand what you say.
Thank you for the positive message!
Hey Sarah, may I ask, does her marriage reflect your experience at all? Like, is her romantic life similar to how yours has been?
I believe in the principle. I believe that if you sign on to something like that, you should be prepared to commit. But what people actually do is rarely in line with those principles. Human behavior suggests to me we’re not meant to be monogamous. Monogamy just can’t stand up to the changeability of people and circumstances. It just doesn’t work. It didn’t work even when marriage was considered ‘sacred’. And because marriage is not something ‘sacred’ anymore, people are willing to quit even if there isn’t a good reason to… rather than just sneaking around and pretending that their marriage was awesome. Even when there IS a good reason to leave, I’ve seen many people stay in abusive marriages just because their religious leader told them it was the right thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I think marriage can work for SOME people. But its really hard to get the formula right. I don’t think marriage needs to be sacred in order for people to respect it, they just need to learn to respect themselves and their partner. I think marriage is good for that reason, it helps you to grow and refines your concept of love. Most people aren’t willing to stick it out, unfortunately.
I think monogamy is easier for some than others. I dont think you can paint broad strokes to include everybody. My first husband couldn’t help himself from straying even though we both really loved each other. My current partner and I are naturally monogamous and its easy. But we both very independent. Being joined at the hip isn’t how I want my relationship to be.
I agree with the others. I agree in principle, but this assumes both partners are willing to grow, expand, un-peel, excavate at a similar pace – even if it is off-sync. I do not feel one partner can carry the other forever if the other is unwilling to take the necessary risks needed to grow as a human being. Perhaps another way to see marriage is that we take a vow to love honor and cherish until death do us part, but perhaps the only way to truly do these things – truly – not with resentment and sacrifice of one’s own journey – is to separate (or at least re-frame the marriage structure) when they can no longer inspire each other into growth, or they have learned all they can learn from each other.
This is quite a comment! It opens up an interesting dialogue that the couple grows together.
That’s always been my view of marriage. A 3-legged race. If one sits out, the other can’t run and vice-versa. That’s frustration.
In order for marriage to flow in a healthy way, both partners need to facilitate individual growth as well as grasping that when the job requires cooperation, then you need get off your butt and help! How many marriages wrecked because one is simply too stubborn or unwilling to recognize their responsibility to the other?!
My Parents divorced and it caused so much deep heartbreak that I awore that I would never do that to my children. It took me a long time to commit to marriage but I have two sons and a good marriage. In my experience the wounds of marriage failure are too devastating not to stick at marriage. I’m catholic so Holy Matrimony is for life….I’d rather die than fail at my marriage. It sounds radical but that’s the level of commitment required. The Catholic religion supports and upholds family life and there’s support in the community for family and children – fun things, community events and discretion and support in difficult, sensitive matters.
Sorry for mistake above – “My parents divorced and it caused so much heartbreak that I swore that I would never do taht to my children.”
My husband and I just had our 18th anniversary on the 18th. So, yes, living as one unit is a big thing. However; we also allow each other space and are not overly clingy with each other. Communication is another huge thing in marriages. If you can’t talk to each other freely, you may as well not be together. Also, don’t go into a marriage thinking it will always be peaches and cream. Yes, you will fight and you will get on each other’s nerves, but being able to forgive is a big deal. It is not perfect, but love can heal wounds.
My mother left my bio-dad when I was three and when she got remarried when I was age 6, it was a roller coaster! Mom is a Capricorn Sun, Mercury, Venus with her Moon, and Uranus in Cancer and Saturn and Neptune in Libra. So….you can imagine how rough that chart is. Mom had severe mood swings and it was tough.
But when I got married, my grandmother told me that I had to take the bull by the horns so to speak and not give in. And my mother in law told us to never go to sleep on a problem/fight. And to this day, we haven’t.
You have to be able to understand your mate and know how to deal with things.
Tomorrow is my 25th wedding anniversary. I think this marriage thing is going to work out. (haha) Libra
I don’t have a problem moving in tandem with my husband. He’s my best friend and we’ve been together for almost 40 years now. I help him and he helps me. It doesn’t mean we don’t also have separate lives and friends. We do. Our marriage is not a prison.
My husband is a Libra and I’m a Libra rising. Marriage is something that is very natural for both of us. Every marriage has ups and downs, but if you’re both committed to the relationship, you can work through the problems. The problems are not always easy or solved in one night, so being able to be honest and communicate with the other person is very important. Also, finding common ground or compromising.
We have grown together over the years, each developing in our own way, but our committment to each other is very strong and has always been the foundation of any life decisions we made. We are both comfortable with that and its why we’ve lasted.
I refer to my husband as equivalent to one of my limbs. Could I live a vibrant happy fulfilled life without one of my limbs? Yes but never as vibrant, happy and fulfilled as I could have with them all. As cliche as it may sound I really do feel more whole with him than without. We are also two individual parts that create the whole. Our union works because we recognize and respect each others individuality.
I like looking at the Saturn placements in the marriage/relationship chart and its synastry to each partner. I think its a great sign of commitment to the marriage of one or both and how much importance holding the marriage together will play in each persons life. So if it is trine for one partner but square for another – I think I know which partner will stick it out and which will need to balance the “commitment” energy in their lives.
Do you have to have the same beliefs? Or just a belief in each other…
I think the latter!
Someone needs to be the voice of reason and someone needs to have the voice that people listen to. It IS a team effort. When life isn’t solely individualized, yet your mind needs to be for your partners’ sanity. Something clicks into eachother like a cranked wheel. There’s flow, there’s movement.
I have Uranus in the 7th house. I think people should partner in whatever way they like. My husband and I both wanted this type of marriage – a sacramental marriage. We went through all the necessary hoops to achieve this. It took us 2-3 years.
It was definitely worth it and right for us, but whatever other people do is their business.
I do think it’s hard for people to make a marriage work or last when the two people have different ideas of what marriage is.
I think there should be room for different sorts of coupling. Some people need more space, some people want to function as one inseparable unit. Unfortunately I think the ideal of a cohabiting harmonious unit is emphasised so much as a ticket to happiness, that so many people pretend and settle for something far less in order to have a ‘form’ of marriage, and so appear to be normal. Being single in later life particularly is very tricky, and I resonate with Erg’s comments about the need to relate to women friends without the dynamic of an ever-present male partner. I don’t think that one loses one’s individuality, and transits and progressions can certainly effect each chart separately and differently. But the pressure is there from society to find virtually all of one’s needs met in a primary relationship, and in many ways this elevation of the nuclear family demotes the role of broader community.
For an Aries person this is a whole world of pain, partnerships and connections in general. It’s a huge blind spot – we’re not naturally skilled at it, in fact even when we’re trying our best it’s just about average seeming. Then when try to work together and learn, it’s not received well, or life happens- somebody dies, somebody moves, you’re torn asunder — or you are just misunderstood, not given a chance. It’s thoroughly unrewarding, frustrating and diminishing
I have an Aries moon and my mars is sq Pluto. I agree completely!
I’ve decided that I want a boyfriend but not a husband. I’ve been through two marriages and it would take an absolutely perfect person, who does not exist, to lead me to commit to that extent again. There’s too much to lose, and for what? The man never appreciates the effort anyway.
The last few years have found me chronically ill, and I feel guilty that my husband has basically been dragging me as we try to move forward to our goals. I’m grateful, eternally so, but I feel like a dead weight. How do I move forward when all my illnesses are like quicksand? *sigh*
Something I learned from Caroline Myss that has helped me in my quest to heal a chronic illness, from her work ‘why people don’t heal and how they can’–it’s helped me with my guilt around being a burden. She says, sometimes people stay sick because their illness has become a tool they use to manipulate others, and since there is a payoff, they can’t let go of staying sick.
Now obviously illness is real and physical and has a zillion contributing factors. But I’ve wrestled with a feeling that there was a subconscious payoff I couldn’t release–and in *my* case, this quote helped. Now I pay attention to anything I say about my health or abilities, and I am crystal clear on whether or not that statement could be in any way perceived as controlling or manipulative, designed to affect or change someone else’s behavior. Ditto self pity. If there’s a hint of mixed motives, I keep my mouth shut and just stop, even if it is inconvenient.
Now, since I’m rigorous about that, I feel more acceptance of my illness and myself (from myself). Now it just feels like physical reality, not a psychological quagmire. And my self esteem is higher, and now I stand up for my right to be treated respectfully despite my illness and disability. Eliminated the guilt, (real and potential) and now reaping the rewards.
Hang in there. Also, check out this awesome book by one of the most brilliant women I know. Really helps take the raw psychological material of illness and transform it into great soil for an even more amazing life than you had before getting sick. Using it as a gift for emotional and spiritual growth.
Engaging Life: Living Well With Chronic Illness
Thanks, Heather! I try obnoxiously hard to do what you’re suggesting. But I do like books. 🙂
I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage and co parenting, and how our current set up doesn’t quite work. I’m single and I meet a lot of divorced men co parenting their kids. Usually they are only divorced on paper. They still have a wife! They just have two houses and no sex life. And the kids live in two places. I can’t imagine how hard that is on them. I’m totally in favor of choosing happiness over a miserable marriage, but surely there’s more that can be done before divorce in most cases. They manage to figure it out as coparents! I wish couples would consider instituting some of those changes and procedures while still married, in one home. (Assign childcare by the day, equally, etc. Each parent has more freedom and space, kids live in one place.) A more flexible marriage might ease a lot of the struggles, and be easier on all involved.
And as a single woman, I wouldn’t have to deal with the constant specter of the ex wife who controls everything in his life, because they’re basically still married!
I’m a divorced woman who (for the most part) successfully co-parents with my ex. We got divorced, because though he loves the children, he no longer loved me. We are both remarried now, happier, and the children who once swore off marriage, now talk about how they’d consider it now, with the right person.
I hope I didn’t sound judgmental. I just see a lot of divorced couples who had to do their communication skills development through lawyers and coparenting, and finally figuring it out, and so many say that they wish they’d had those skills and procedures in place while they were married…but at some point things were too far gone and it was too late. It seems sad to have to do all the work anyway, except you have no marriage left to enjoy the fruits of it, just an amicable divorce.
I do really feel bad for kids living in two places though. I can’t even stand dating someone seriously enough to spend half my time at home, half time at his. It’s so ungrounding and discombobulating. It’s so normal now no one bats an eye but I cringe at the thought of having to choose to do that to a kid. Though of course living with parents who despise each other is worse. No easy answers.
TL:DR: It’s not as terrible as it seems. 🙂
This is one of those situations that, if you haven’t been there, it’s hard to have a realistic view of it. Marriage is so complex, and divorce is incredibly complicated, especially with kids, because you are tied to your ex for the rest of your lives, regardless of how you feel about each other. For example, we are currently amicable but not friendly, because our second child decided the weekend before she was supposed to go back to her dad’s house that she didn’t want to go.
He was pissed and blamed me, but I told him that at the end of the day, he didn’t have to like me to be a good, understanding father to her. Took a week to get where we are now, and that was in August.
The two house thing is like most things: establish a new pattern, then it becomes rote. It made him appreciate them more when he had his weekends when they lived with me, and it made me be a little more authoritative with them (a role he’d had previously). The kids found their groove and are just fine for it. (Granted, they both live with me permanently over their father, but that’s a whole other topic 😉 )
Whew! That was crazy long!
You def have a point in my opinion. Being raised in the coparent style, it was a struggle to get to my dads and a struggle to go back home. Emotionally i mean. Ungrounding and discombobulating is accurate. I wonder if im reliving the pattern now with boyfriends. Never had any stability.
I married twice before studying astrology and came to understand that with a seventh house like mine and divorced parents it is just too hard.
I was fine living with them, which I did for years but both times it felt awful literally from the wedding night! Pluto is in the seventh, two degrees from the cusp, Moon in Leo there ten degrees away , Chiron conjunct North Node exact in there as well. I would like a partner, but would not step into that seventh house ever again.
I’m noticing more and more that I am wired to find ones ‘man’ as not the go to guy. I seem to think a boyfriend is someone you can’t depend on or be comfortable around or tell your truth to. Someone you can’t go to the bathroom around, someone you can’t confide in (cause hell want to talk), someone you can’t turn to for support (cause hell say all the wrong things cause he’s a man and wont understand.) All these are things I value. Basically, someone who you have to suppress yourself around and I have no desire to do this at home.
I grew up in Pluto in Scorpio, a time when the image of the perfect family was broken. The image of the dysfunctional family was on the rise. American Beauty was the emblematic movie, celebrity relationships were exposed as rickety things, and in every movie from the romantic comedy to the romantic drama, once the couple got real cozy inevitably someone cheated or something broke their 2 minute montage of happiness. I’m always surprised when someone isn’t as suspicious or disillusioned about relationships as me or anyone who has been suckled on hacky ‘take my wife please’ material.
Chris rock said ‘married and bored or single and lonely, ain’t no happiness nowhere.’ SATC and Bridget Jones crowed about the irrelevance of the older single woman and the pipe dream of the man who ‘really gets you,’ the empty glamor of the single life.
Media lied to me. Relationships in my experience are not a ‘fun montage until something gets boring and someone cheats’ or they weren’t. They were a bit of a war of tastes 😉
They feel different, just as sex feels different than in any movie except Nuit #1.
I also began to hear of he’s just not that into you or the rules. And contrary to the image of the friendly, intelligent, open guys I knew in college, I read lots of self help stuff and went on formulaic courty online dates that left me bitter. My image was that the playing field was totally unlevel and women had to bend over backwards to please men. That we were f-ed before and after the sexual revolution. That guys weren’t interested because you are ‘too fat, too old, too talkative, too interested, too quick to bed, too slow to bed.’ I still believe dating is stacked against women, and that the world of the sexes is stacked against women. But also that a guy who will like you will like you. I think that my hard won knowledge that tells me ‘you are probably never too anything for a man, and you don’t have to bend over backwards for anyone’ came too late. As it does for most women.
So I think my preconceived notions are a bit of a challenge. And make it rather hard to wade through them as bitterness at my lack of success is laid on top of these repressed beliefs. And I still am surprised that the ‘married and bored or single and lonely ain’t no happiness nowhere’ or various other cliches about how doomed monogamy is or how f-ed women are isn’t a view held by everybody.
This was super interesting. You capture the feelings of your generation. I hope you find another pond to swim in. There are hopeful young people out there too. 🙂
Thank you that’s very nice to hear. I’ve been told to look in a a different pond, I go all over the place, but this city tends to have odds stacked against women due partly to gender ratios. I don’t know if I’m ready to move.
I reflected on comments I’ve made full of cliches about how marriage must be boring and thought boy I must sound so stupid to someone with depth of experience. I talked like this as a greenhorn too. But I’ve had two relationships, which isn’t much. With people who were like me and in some ways I got what I wanted. I want to want more. I am wired to think of three legged races with trepidation, so I’m not an actual idiot or superficial as my mom who scoffs at my teenage ideas says. They are in there waiting to be debunked. I don’t have a Libra bone in my body other than the SN and find Libra situations cloying and scary, i read about ‘nonentangling alliances’ very early in my life and adopted that part of the american character, as well as the ‘kidz rule’ and confucian respect for elders droolz part. I love to go out into stimulating situations and party and interact and be heard and then go home into my sanctuary and be warm and comfortable. This makes for an extraordinary attention holic extrovert loner. I’ve had to train myself to handle the nightmare of sitting in a quiet apt playing a board game with friends and waiting my turn to perform. Lately my tendency to not plan, seek out big parties where I don’t know anyone, cry from rejection, and go shelter myself at home panned out to loneliness and isolation.
Sorry I’m talking so much and dominating the feeds. I hope it doesn’t take a negative toll on people wanting to comment, I’ve thought about this.
These questions bring up a lot of thoughts for me and I think my self reflection or accounting of self is fallacious and inaccurate. But, I have these things to work on. Plus I feel very alienated and isolated, hard to connect with others feels like I’m hashing sht out with me..
Erg, I just found all your comments in the trash. I’m sorry! It’s not personal. They must have hit some filter…not put in place by me!! In whatever case, I recovered them all. I’m sorry!
That’s ok 🙂
Erg, relationships were never easy even back in the “good old days”. Back then, women wanted to be recognized more as individuals, but weren’t, something that isn’t an issue today. It was very common for women to get married after high school and maybe college and raise kids. My Pluto is in Leo, so I’m a lot older than you.
My advice to you is to stop looking for love. It will find you when the time is right. I met my husband when I was left in a sink with my hair dripping wet in a beauty salon. My steady hairdresser quit in the middle of my hair appointment and my future husband had to finish my hair. Never in a million years would I have thought that would be my love story.
You will find someone. Just stop analyzing. There are no rules. I went to parties, clubs, and everything else and never found anything but temporary stuff. The real thing came along unexpectedly.
Just be positive and open. If you find someone you love you will never be bored. I’ve lived with my husband for almost 40 years and we still have fun.
I’m just throwing out a few thoughts on this, but don’t let life get you down and take the joy out of everything. Rise above it. Stay as positive as you can and you will attract what you want.
I think you have a point, JoFrance. Can’t stop analyzing though due to the nature of my chart, just might analyze something else 🙂 I have to take on faith that you’ll never be bored 😉 Gonna be re-reading those last couple lines. I’m trying to cleanse away the negative theories and thought patterns, but they come back with a vengeance.
I’m a little afraid that due to being “self worth” or validation hungry/insecure and bitter, I might look at the person who would want me like “why do you want me when others didn’t, what’s wrong with you?” Feels like I haven’t stopped looking for my day as prom queen, which I know is messed up. (I used to ask my exes for a history of their exes, to see if they had messed up taste in women.)
I need to strengthen my self worth somehow, I’m worried that gets harder as I get 29 or “older”. Not to make it so changeable when someone rejects me offhand and I’m totally knocked off center. I have a “self sabotaging” Capricorn placement and note that when someone rejects me I fixate on them and hunt them.
I think I’ve been looking for a boyfriend, but have faith in a couple things.. my relationships reflected me deflecting the end all be all.
mmm…Jo, I am single and have been all my life, give or take a few months here and there. I am now in my late 50’s. The one thing I DO get angry about is that everyone said that I would meet someone when I wasn’t looking for them. It was the feminist/new age mantra in my day. I believed them. I got on with my life, I am very creative, I have had a career, I have renovated 6 houses and lived in different countries, I play music and paint pictures etc etc…but love didn’t come my way. I didn’t find anyone. In fact, my very independence and accomplishments are seen as a negative for most men…I know, it’s ‘their problem’, but it became mine as well. I am very proud of who I am, I have made my own happiness, but I have missed out on quite a lot. The point of what I am writing though is that I am not sure that there is ‘someone for everybody’. You can torture yourself with that one. I have an afflicted Venus (in Virgo, sq Saturn in the 7th) and it rules my Libra Sun and Taurus asc….love does not flow easily, I don’t have the opportunities (never did). You can’t ‘make’ someone love you through hard work. there is a magic or a grace in it, and it wasn’t there for me. The only men ever interested in me were gay, married, drug addicted or mentally ill, wanting a mother figure in a big way or just plain nasty. As I was not prepared to settle, I didn’t. I had the classic difficult childhood and all that entails, and the energy patterning just wouldn’t let up, despite my awareness (which I worked on diligently through the years with therapy, and through astrology etc etc), and I just had to turn away from men who were not appropriate and make my life in another way. I don’t rule out that maybe, one day, my karma on this issue may relent, but it is way to late for children and building a family as I would have wished. Seems that that particular fairy was not invited to my christening.
May relate a bit to Erg, since we might be ’round the same age? The fairytale crap doesn’t do it, the Internet anonymity gloss devalues it, and the old way of marriage for some folks doesn’t cut it. Strange thing is…. Post-Uranus-Pluto, I started to believe in soul mates, or that there is a fate for me, whether it is alone or to be partnered, (sparked a faith & belief in things unseen).
After some shit went down with online dating during Saturn return in Scorp…. I withdrew from trying to find someone, and maybe now I’m more exploring the world, being with people, and letting whomever is right find me.
Am I into the idea of marriage? I’m into deep connection and commitment, as well as learning that I can’t make anyone else do or feel anything, much as no one can force me to do or feel anything. It isn’t about perfection or even what’s shiny and hip(ster) with revered idealism now… It’s about paying the bills, trust, perspective, admiration and creating a little sparkly fun from scratch. So yeah, I think marriage has its place, especially when you want to build a long-term home…. As for me, I’ve found I don’t like being alone. I realize I like being part of a family, a team, and I believe I can handle the intimacy of growing another family, if that’s what is meant for me. But of course we shall see. 😉 A network of older women that I trust have informed my life in the last few years, so I’m less focused on the fb lifestyle comparisons and more focused on what I communicate and that I try to do right by others no matter what. I’ve struggled with negotiating with my ideals and freedom for a while. And I think I’m willing to let it go for something more complex, grittier, present existence, which might be marriage. I don’t know.
Erg, marriage has all different phases and plateaus. You will be happy together, sad, bored, angry and faced with all kinds of things in married life. No matter who you marry, thats how it is, IMO.
If you can ride out the bad times, you can reach higher plateaus in your relationship and a new phase begins. That’s how my marriage of 40 years has been, anyway. There have been times when we both had such differences we could have divorced, but we worked through them instead of throwing in the towel. We both wanted to make it work because we love each other deep down and that meant lots of compromise, fighting, and accepting things I wouldn’t necessarily want in a partner. You will get to see all the “warts” in your beloved. Will you still love him after he is knocked off of his pedestal? Thats where your faith and committment to each other come in. If you ever loved him, you’ll try.
Erg, I understand where you’re at with self-worth. I’ve never been worthy of anything, says my Moon conjunct Saturn in Scorpio, natally. I tell it no, slap it in the face and then it becomes a voice of reason and support for positive change. You have to take control of your inner critic that tells you you’re not good enough. It isn’t true, its just negative trash. You’re a great person just like you are.
Reading it as an outsider, moving in constant tandem with even the most exciting, compatible partner sounds like a prison to me. But I have four planets in Sagittarius and an Aqua ascendant so I feel trapped very easily. Is riding out boredom and tedium a regular part of a good marriage?
Single people have tedious, boring lives as frequently as married people, far as I can see.
Marriage is more like having built in company. It’s nice!
John Updike said “A wife can be as strange as a whore. That’s the beauty of male and female relations.” I would like to find that in a man.