I have been with my partner for about 9 months. When we are together, we are very happy. We feel very much in love and enjoy each other’s company very much. The problem is his baby’s mother. He has two daughters with his ex. They were together for 9 years – the same length as my last relationship, the relationship I left to be with him.
My man has gone back to his ex one time and a week later called me crying and begging me to work things out. Begging me to forgive him. Now it seems as though it may happen again. We have been through a lot in the past 9 months, including him being arrested and losing his job and me having to have an abortion.
We were doing great until a few days ago when he finally got to see his girls and she happened to stick around and start her sobbing and complaining. I understand that he will always care for her because she gave him his two beautiful girls, but should I leave him and disconnect myself from the heartache or should I stick around and hope he doesn’t hurt me again?
He tells me he loves us both, but in very different ways. He says he wants to be with me and that he loves me, but he wants his family to be together. He’s confused and doesn’t know what to do. Part of me wants to make the decision for him and just leave and never talk to him again, but I am afraid I can’t do it. I believe we were meant to be together, but should I let him go and see what happens?
Lost And Confused
Dear Lost And Confused,
This may seem harsh but it is meant to help. First, your man is most likely going to keep doing what he’s doing. That is, he is going to continue to go between you and her and his children… and probably continue to drink as well?
What you’ve done here is a classic Virgo-in-relationship move; that is, you have picked someone to save. And that’s fine as long as they are interested in saving you back but this does not seem to be the situation in this case.
Further, I think you would do well to quit focusing on what he (or she) is doing wrong and ask yourself if it was a good idea to hop from one relationship into another without taking any time to reflect. 9 years is a long time to spend with someone and it seems that the minute you spent between relationships was probably insufficient.
I am sorry but I think you’ve made a mistake here and if I were you, I would think about cutting my losses. Saturn is in your sign, Virgo and insists you clutch it up.
Second that. Often the patterns or tendencies that frustrate us in our relationships were there from the start and are therefore expected. It sounds like this was always going to happen and he knew it, and figured she did as well. Which means he doesn’t feel totally guilty, especially because it involves his kids. I’d cut my losses as well.
Quit it. No matter how strong your love is there is a messy blanket covering you and it includes your man’s family. Now this may seem hard to get, but men find it impossibly difficult to lose their family no matter what the relationship to the mother was like. Sometimes, if you really care for someone and their growth in this life it means not loving them in that relationship way. It is a cliche, I know and really selfless, but reality keeps teaching that love can sometimes be all about fearing being alone. I know where you are at and there’s all this hope and passion, but in the end it’s exhausting too.
I can’t say whether or not it was right for you to leave the first guy. Maybe this other guy gave you incentive to get out of a bad relationship, and if that is true, at least something good came out of your decision. However, and if so, I am afraid that is just about the only good thing that will ever come of it.
It sounds like the energy between you and this new man is so incendiary, the history you describe with him gives me chills and it almost seems like you are punishing yourself if you stay in this abusive situation. Is there some reason you might be punishing yourself? Just a thought for you to reflect on and if it upsets you I do apologize.
Elsa has given me similar advice, namely, “Past behavior is the best predictor.” My beloved Aunt Star says the same thing…after a certain age, most people don’t change much at all.
Thanks to everyone who responded, especially Elsa. You are all right. I decided to leave him and the relationship behind. He understands and says he still loves me, as I do him. I think I will always love him, but it is best that we are not together. He needs to get his life together, and so do I. I plan on doing some personal healing and dealing. We decided to try and remain friends, but are going to limit our communication. I figure eventually all communication will cease and we will not longer talk. I just need to focus on myself for a while. I am young and have plenty of time to find the one. Right now I need to be the one. Thank you all.
Lost and confused