I have a 2 year old baby girl. Her father was abusive to me most all of our relationship. I left him when she was just 2 months old. He was found guilty on 4 counts of domestic violence. But I still continued to let him have visitation with our baby, believing he would never hurt her. Well, truthfully I was always wondering if I was doing the right thing by allowing it, because the judge had said that for 3 years he could have no contact with me or our baby. I know he loves her and I know she loves him. Anytime he would bring her home she would throw a fit and not want to let go of him and when she saw him her face would light up and she’d run to him. But, it was not easy on me seeing him because he would beg me to give him another chance and get pissed when I’d say no.
He has not hit me but he has threatened to. He continuously would yell at me and bitch at me for EVERYTHING. He’d bitch about my job, my friends, who I had baby-sit, who I was dating etc. I put up with it because I wanted my baby to know her dad and I thought someday he would realize we would never get back together and give it up. I thought that even though I had hate for this man, I hoped someday we could be friends and be able to only discuss our daughter when we would see one another. But, she is now 2 years old and it is still going on.
A few weeks ago he came to pick up the baby and my Mother was babysitting while I was at work. Well, he started bitching to my Mom about everything just like he does me but she wasn’t used to his threats as I was and got scared. He was yelling about the guy I have been living with for almost a year now and he said he was never bringing the baby back. So, she said “Well, I can’t allow you to take her then!”
She tried to get the baby out of the car seat and he attacked her. He threw her on the ground twice and left bruises on her arms where he had grabbed her. My Mother is 60 years old! I couldn’t believe he did that. Maybe I really thought it was only me he would ever hurt. I don’t know but I stopped the visitation. Of course he has called every day for the last 2 months begging me one minute, threatening me the next… My daughter will ask all the time where daddy is, looks out the window talking about him, I know she misses him. It hurts me and it just sucks!
Am I right in my thinking that even if he wont hurt her, he will hurt others in front of her such as a new girlfriend… and I don’t want her to see that or is it wrong for me to keep her from knowing and ever having a relationship with the only other person who loves her as much as I do? Will she hate me someday? Could he change?
It’s a choice I feel is to important for me to make on my own. So any advice you have will be greatly appreciated.
Your baby’s father is violent, period. Motivated as he may be, he is obviously unable to control his impulses and I think the judge was on the right track when she said “no contact” for three years.
With three years of therapy, perhaps this guy could reform. But as it stands, as far as I am concerned you are not only in danger… your baby is in danger as well. Because violent people are what? They are violent. And he is constantly threatening.
And think about it. He threatened to take your child from you. And I am sorry to put this to you in such a graphic way, but I think this could be capable of a lot worse than merely stealing your child. He could kill your child in a rage, see? He’s gonna fix you, you bitch! If he can’t have you, then you can’t have your baby. Do you really want to be playing with this?
Your job is to protect your daughter. And sending her off with a man known to all of mankind to be violent does not seem prudent to me. I understand how confusing this is for you, so I am trying to make it very simple. The judge was right. You and your daughter’s safety are the number one priority. This guy has jeopardized that, so that’s it! As if it doesn’t hurt her to see him beat up Grandma!
The effect of hitting the mother in front of child is typically far more damaging to the child than being beaten directly. Did you know that? It’s a fact. So although your intentions are good, the choices you are making are not. And as to what you might tell your daughter in the future… you’ll tell her the truth of course.
“Your father was violent, here is the evidence. I loved you way too much to take a chance…”