Should A Woman Chase A Man?

Venus, Cupid and MarsA client asked me about chasing men. I told her that I don’t, I wouldn’t and I never have.

Now granted, I have a yin chart and she did not. I mentioned this but I distinctly remember announcing this when I was 19-ish: “I do not chase men!” The whole idea was and still is abhorrent to me. It makes my skin crawl.Β  Who the is this man, that I’m supposed to campaign for him?

I suppose this may be considered, old-fashioned but I think it’s just a blip in time where people think women fare well chasing men.Β Β  I don’t think they fare well at all… over time.

You may chase a man and get the man but three weeks later or three years later, some gal who does not chase men walks by… his head turns and there he goes, following her like a dog. Then what do you have for your trouble?

It’s the Capricorn in me, I guess. I will invest in substance. And my Libra. I will commit to someone who is committed to me. If someone is interested in me, I may be interested in them but hell with freeze over before I chase a man, even one inch.

People rarely value that which is handed to them.Β  Sputter if you like. Some things never change.

Do you have a policy when it comes to courting?

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Should A Woman Chase A Man? — 55 Comments

  1. I have lots of yang (fire)and men get intimidated and intrigued by me. Have a chased a man in the past, yes… am I still? Hell not.
    I learned my lesson and looking for equity in my relationship. Like you said Elsa… I am committed to a man who is committed to me…in actions, not just words.
    thanks for the post.

  2. The first sentence of the last paragraph is the kicker. “People rarely value that which is handed to them”.

    Anything that comes easy is taken for granted, no exceptions! Believe it or not, this post has helped me make a very important decision. Thank you so much Elsa.

  3. It doesn’t feel good to be the one trying for more…. I know how it is when a man is really interested, and it feels right for them to do the actual chasing (even for this Aries).

  4. l have some yang in my chart and l would go for what l want, no chasing on my part and l don’t like to be chased either. l did it when l was in puberty and my brain wasn’t fully developed πŸ˜‰
    If someone is genuinely interested there is no need for chasing.
    @Caroline yes venus in aries, it’s fine there are men that like women with initiative so no need to worry about that or to try to change anything about yourself.

  5. I’m pretty old fashioned when it comes to courting. My dad was my insight into this and since he didn’t provide insight unless he knew he was on target..I listened.

    No, I don’t chase. Tried it once in about the 5th grade and was like..um..this is for the birds. i don’t expect to be chased either. Should be a mutual reception..you know?

  6. Cappy moon and venus conjunct saturn, totally support my “old-fashioned” ideas in this sense. I don’t like to chase men, never have. I’ll make myself “available” but I’m not chasing. Of course labeling myself old fashioned is killing venus in gemini here, but if the shoe fits, LOL!

    I think I did do a bit of chasing in college, but it never turned out well. So I guess, be the man, show some grit and come calling or else don’t bother,
    Angie

  7. I’m very yin myself and would seriously prefer to be chased.

    But sometimes, if I like someone, I like having the liberty to get what I want.

    My Mars and Venus are squaring each other (Leo and Taurus, respectively), which explains this.

  8. So ok… hold on, the thing you said about not valuing something that is handed to you… so that doesn’t work the opposite direction? A woman should be dissatisfied with a man if he comes to her? Maybe I’m being obtuse, or just Aquarian…lol why SHOULD it really matter who comes to whom? There are certainly plenty of men out there who chased the woman they are with and STILL turn their heads at that other woman walking down the street, yes?
    Ok… someone fill me in, I see what you are saying in the big picture of “how things are” in the world… lol, but.. really, it makes no sense.

  9. I don’t, if they don’t like me right off the bat, I don’t think I could change their mind anyway. I rarely like anyone, but usually I’ll just sit back and watch them for a few weeks anyway to see if (a) it’s mutual (usually no), and (b) are they worth it (almost always, no).

    Plus, well, I got socialized to be “womanly” like everyone else on this topic. If you chase him, he’ll HATE you, stuff like that.

  10. Haha hmm.. could be so. I’m not a dude, (tho I have wondered at times if I have too much testosterone myself).. lol πŸ˜› So I cannot say for sure if a man would think less of his woman, or his relationship with said “aggressive” woman if she was the one who moved first.
    Ok.. so, I have a friend.. a Cancer male… who is absolutely set on a woman approaching HIM… haha.. in fact it’s funny.. many of the cookbook descriptions of Cancer men say they prefer just that… the woman coming to him. So one.. do you think this is an exception to the rule? I know him pretty well… I’m sure he would cherish someone extremely deeply if he was approached, instead of the other way ’round.

  11. I don’t chase men anymore. They don’t seem too interested in chasing me either. At least when I was younger and chasing there were some men in my life, but I do prefer it that way. Ultimately, chasing always ended in humiliation for me.

  12. Ha, I tried that ONCE. At a 7th grade party, I asked Craig C. to dance and he said “I’d rather not.” And the rejection was so horrible that I have never even considered it again. Venus in Cancer haha. But aside from that instance, when I’m attracted to a man, some part of that attraction involves the fact that they are also attracted to me. It’s a necessary component.

  13. I’ll throw out bait if I’m interested. If he’s interested I’m happy to play tag. If not, other fish in the pond.

    I am an aggressive, outspoken woman. I don’t think it’s fair to present myself otherwise – but I also don’t have to run him down and hit him over the head.

  14. Chase a man??? HHHaaahhhaaa!! How about just the ability to have uninhibited conversation with a man who I am attracted to?? I’d settle for that!
    My Capricorn rising, Virgo Moon conjunct Pluto, Venus in Cancer and Mars in Taurus is not going to allow my Gemini Sun conjunct Mercury in the Fifth house any such pleasures!!! I become almost catatonic at the thought of approaching a man I’m interested in ( and age has helped a little, but not much)!

  15. Nope, I don’t chase. I let him start the chase. BUT, then it usually all goes to hell because my Mars in Aries kicks into gear. If I see him coming and it interests me, I’ll run up to meet him. And I’ve finally come to realize that THAT works about as well as starting the chase myself…meaning = it doesn’t.

    So I’m learning to keep my Mars on a very tight leash, because I believe it IS true that men should (and need) to be the pursuers. (Now if I could just teach my Aries Mars some patience….)

  16. I want a man who wants to chase me. I do not understand women who chase men. Who wants a man who is not really into you. Because if a man is interested, he will chase you.

  17. I’ve never chased men {{{shudder}}}

    With all my Cap and some Virgo, it really offends my sense of what is ‘proper’, in the true meaning of the word. I wouldn’t want the kind of man who’d respond to being chased, anyway (no Cancer Suns for me thanks!). Men will often screw what is offered them but they won’t respect you for throwing yourself at them. I’ve seen it over and over, but young women these days don’t seem to understand that. I very rarely even phone a man.

    I know how to register ‘interest’ without being in the least forward. I’m happy to put myself in a man’s way to that purpose. But it has to be subtle, and he has to think he’s the one making the running πŸ˜‰

  18. I have cardinal moon and venus (aries) but am otherwise mutable and yin. I have reframed my chasing by deciding to initiate by acting in such a way that they chase me. we both have aries venus. I am chasing the man by controlling my own actions so that he chases me. it serves us both.

    I have a rule that I don’t call men. I didn’t initiate a phone call for over six months. it worked for me.

  19. Elsa, How do you weigh chasing versus putting your self out there?

    See thing is I am looking at the next full moon .. it makes a grand fire trine in my charts lights up all sorts of shit. Saturn has been doing a number the last couple months. I’ve been more reserved in my dealing with a certain someone. I WANT to NOT be the one initiating. I Need to KNOW I am valued and its not one sided.. Heres alot of that realationship SH## u pointed out to me last fall. I also see he seems to want same. Or is it neptune foggin up the scene.. Neptune/Saturn strikes again?

    Back to the grand fire trine. Before it is created the moon trines Neptune in my chart and sextiles my saturn(in the 12th of coarse)
    Time and again it has been pointed out that the trine is useless if u allow lazy to run the show.

    So whens it chasing? Whens it opening the door?

    Neptune rules my sun and is confusing the shit outta me..

  20. Hi Tina, I hope I don’t start a war, but I have always felt I was the shiny object, the attractive thing, bait if you will, and then the man comes and gets it, campaigns for it.

    All I can tell you is if he doesn’t, there will be no hook up because I am the woman… and consequently have the power., πŸ˜‰

  21. Well Elsa it wouldn’t be me who shoots at that advice. Infact I think you just reinforced my thinking. Not sure when and am going to try and flow with it but my intention is to be open by opening the door. if he choses to ask me to walk through it to meet him awesome! If not I dont intend to spend the rest of my life wondering if he cares enough to be there in the long haul.

    Thank you again and again for putting YOUSELF out there to help the rest of us pick our paths.

  22. I agree. I think men like a confident and secure woman, not a stalking tiger. There’s a difference between confidence and… creepiness. Besides, a. There are millions of men in the world, so it’s silly to fixate on one who doesn’t respond. And b. They’ll just think you’re nuts and head to the next gal.

    It would be great if some women would also just lay off the attacks on men (even their own species) because it’s the “modern”, “feminist” thing to do. It’s passe and not getting us anywhere. But I’m not betting on that.

  23. @ Charlotte ROFLMAO but –

    Driving down the wrong road and knowing it, the fork years behind, how many have thought to pull up on the shoulder and leave the car empty, strike out across the fields; and how many are still mazed among dock and thistle, seeking the road they should have taken? ~Damon Knight, The Man in the Tree

  24. I met a nice fellow at a party. After talking we kissed, swapped phone numbers, then I went on my way home. (by myself) The next evening I rang him and invited him over to mine for dinner. He arrived, we ate and talked then he went home. Much later he confessed he loved me ringing him first. He confessed he was shy, not sure how long to leave it before ringing me etc. Not sure this is exactly chasing him, but showing initiative!

  25. I agree with most here … no chasing at all! I have learned this the hard way. I do have a very yin chart but have a Mars/Pluto/Uranus conjunction that acts like rocketfuel sometimes – mix that in with Venus in Scorpio, I generally know what I want and have tried to go after it…and it’s backfired, big time. I learned how to be more subtle over the years.

    Now it’s pretty much like satori said. I subtly throw out the clues, use body language etc and then they chase me. I do believe women hold the power and its us that ultimately decides what happens.

    And yes, testosterone loves a challenge πŸ™‚

  26. Wow how times have changed. I came up in the time of the sexual revolution – the ’60s and ’70s – and I checked in with my husband just now to see if I was off base. He said he was with me – no need for any chase or games and it doesn’t matter who makes the first move etc.

    Did I read something wrong? Maybe it’s my Jupiter,
    Venus, Mars, Pluto and Sun conjunct in Leo in the 8th?

  27. There’s the matter too of male pride. We women have taken over so many of the traditional roles and functions of men – esp financially. We boss them at work, we buy our own houses, we raise kids on our own.

    Are we to take over their ‘courting and hunting’ role as well? I think it’s a big mistake. Nature doesn’t change that fast, no matter what the feminists in the media tell us

  28. SaD. I agree. Only way I ever got any dates. I also agree with Elsa, no value to something handed to you. Makes for a difficult path forward πŸ˜€

  29. I agree with vahcombusta. I also feel like that. ”My policy is it has to feel natural. and chasing does not come naturally to me”.

    I didnt/dont chase anyone. I am not very interested in these kind of games. You either want to be with me or not (and this also applys to myself). It had always been mutual

  30. *Define Chase*

    Asking a guy out for coffee – does that qualify?

    You can *chase* (?) without being aggressive (imho).

    – you can smile and walk towards him
    – and in a very gentle voice invite him for coffee (and talk about 15, 20 minutes)

    Is that chasing?

  31. I’d actually love to hear more about the folks who don’t have men chasing them…. My challenge is that the one’s who chase are often doing it in such a way I don’t think they know who I am at all. Or sadly, others are single for a while…like me… and think we should go for it…but I feel like the vibe is off. Between all my pisces and my venus in capricorn – I feel like I can pick up how things might unravel. I don’t have a sense of timing or scope though. One of my other pisces friends thinks its a self fulfilling prophecy, but I think I’m just right…. and my intuition is really strong. The challenge is that no one’s perfect… so I tend to give people a shot… because the thing I can’t do is predict how much their flaws will mess with the relationship. And until recently… I hadn’t been meeting nice single men who didn’t bore me to pieces.

  32. Cool! I also think unfortunately, that geography plays into this problem. I’m on a few free dating sites now, and the guys from NYC seem a million times more interesting and accomplished than the Philadelphia crowd. And we’re talking a mere ninety minutes apart. My friends that ended up here for work think Philly is very insular and cliquey. Its a shame, and doesn’t make a lot of sense… we have a ton of great colleges, decent museums, etc. My favorite guy is from the midwest.

  33. Nice Post! I have never chased a man so far in my whole life. But If you are asking about my preference in courting I would say that any man who cannot chase me is not worth me.

  34. Nothing good came of chasing but I do not like the men who are attracted to me daily even a little generally. They are not who I want. It makes me insecure and irritable. I crave to be popular with the men I like but I’m very not and it gets worse every year. When I chased it was just crap.

    My rule now is to be with someone who accepts me. With few caveats. Otherwise hopefully I won’t frantically chase them. It’s been hard cause I’m not thin, not fat really. But people around me really tend to favor the thin and my friends get more attention so I go home. I’m intensely hungry to be pretty and wanted and it’s been something since my teenage years. I tried to get the juice from within but it makes life less exciting if you’re not constantly hoping for a before sunrise style moment or stealing beauty style summer and keenly aware of every rejection. I tried to be my own suitor and love myself but the outside circumstances didn’t change much and my phone was still devoid of texts and my skin dull and body still not fashionable and boobs sinking. I’m worried if I game my own thirst for validation and become fit to handle the love of one person and not wonder if I might prefer one of his friends, I might live a life less exciting or might be less willing to walk around or do things that made me have romantic feeling. Nowadays I notice myself not wanting to go outside or walk around at lunch or spending most of the weekend days home dawdling. I think it’s partly a lack of that excited hopefulness that something good or romantic would happen. Partly a defense against the disappointment of trivial disconnections.

  35. I do have some shallow tendencies but they don’t go with time when I’m supposed to be OK with the love and attention of one person and not still have the nagging sense of being the girl standing against the wall at the fifties dance or the ugly friend at the bar. I still seem to fight some impossible teenage fight in me. I think it’s due to sun Chiron in the fifth or something. As Judd Apatow says he tried to find out how much validation is enough and it’s never enough

  36. I chased men for years and years (go-getter energy with sun square mars, Aries fifth house, and mars in the 8th + pining for unrequited love with my neptune hard aspects/many absent-father experiences)…

    What a waste of my time. Literally years. Got lots of dating/chasing practice!

    I remember reading a well-known dating book in my late 20s which advised against chasing men. I threw it to the bin, cursing aloud. ‘I’m a feminist I’d say (still am)

    More years of chasing men. More unfulfilling experiences.

    Then I changed and read the book again and in fact read more of its two authors’ books. The book was ‘The Rules.’

    Stopped chasing men and focussed on deciding which ones I liked amongst the ones who chased me.

    My love life vastly improved. Vastly.

    I see it this way (and I am quite yang):

    * men are hunters and appreciate what they worked hard to get

    * if I liked a guy (I’m married now) I would try to be appealing (looks, body language, energy from my Scorpio rising/mars in the 8th) and show interest with a gaze. If he didn’t come I’d lick my wounds from the rejection and moved on, slowly or quickly.

    I think there was also, in my chasing men, a Neptune element of denial around my painful feelings of rejection, and also plain vanity (good looks and Venus trine mars.)

    * by letting the man chase me in the initial phases I knew where I stood with them. Much better for my emotional needs.

    Once I stopped chasing men I realised some never ever made the effort to chase me. Dead end. Lots learned.

    I once read a quote from actress Sharon Stone, many many years ago. It stuck with me. ‘Women can fake orgasms but men can fake whole relationships.’

    That quote links, in my opinion, to Elsa’s words ‘You may chase a man and get the man but three weeks later or three years later, some gal who does not chase men walks by… his head turns and there he goes, following her like a dog.’

    Other great relationship books helped me understand that chasing (my natural drive – I’m a woman with seven planets in the element of air/masculine/yang, including moon, mars, mercury and venus -) didn’t get me to the goal of partnering successfully.

    The books are: ‘He’s just not that into you’, ‘Getting to I do’, and ‘Mars and Venus on a Date.’

    I would add ‘The Evolution of Desire which is on the anthropology of human mating. Great stuff. Hard to digest as a yang woman yet realistically accurate.

    My husband has Venus in Aries so I do a bit of chasing in our relationship. Hehe. He says he’s okay with it πŸ™‚

    In general chasing men doesn’t work. I believe in some rare cases it would work well.

    Luckily I realised I wasn’t in that minority group. Hehe.

  37. I tend to be the aggressor when it comes to courting. It’s never really worked out for me, though. When they chase me, it’s better but, that almost never happens. I figure I’ll stumble across love one day out of blind luck. Until then, I’m single…

  38. Let’s start with a weird combo here: Sun in Cancer, Cap Asc, Venus conj Mars in Leo 7th house, 8th house Lilith in Libra, Moon conj Pluto 9th house and 5th house Jupiter in Gemini. When I fall for a man, it is apparent all over my face even though I use my poker face. Thus, I flirt a lot, I can be audacious at times. If he gets scared by my intense Scorpionic energy, I don’t even go further. I have found out that banter goes a long way. The aim is to make him think that it was his idea and I just show up with my funny self.

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