How Do You Handle A Break-Up?

burning bridgeMy husband and I met as teenagers. We had a fiery, passionate relationship. Unfortunately we broke up rather than marry.  We’re both stubborn hotheads!

We broke up, but neither of us acted against the other.  We didn’t try to cause hurt or damage the other person’s relationship.  We maintained some decorum!

The way of being was drilled into our generation. We were taught not to burn my bridges!

I don’t think people consider this anymore. I guess it’s part of the moving around people do these days, combined with the internet culture. People throw other people away or how I like to say it – they sell people, way too cheap!

My husband and I got back together, more than twenty year later. This would have never happened if we’d acted differently when we were young. If you don’t kill love it just may live again. At least there is a chance.

It’s uncanny to me, people who don’t know how to leave without bloodying the other person’s nose. It’s an important skill, because people frequently do want to reconnect once time has passed. If you blow you chance to do this, the resulting pain can last for the rest of your life.

For me, this is a Venus Neptune thing. I just don’t want to hurt someone I have loved. Actually, I don’t want to hurt anyone, period.

I also have Uranus in the 7th. While I do feel I’ve the right to leave, I do not have the right to slap, stab, maim and cripple!

Here’s a video about the impact of leaving a trail of bodies in your wake…

Does Treating Your Partner Lousy In One Relationship Affect The Next?

I’ll tell you what’s really bad.  It’s when a person who’s been in a relationship with you, looks back. The breakup was so horrific, they wish they’d have never met you.

What do you think about this? Do you crush people on the way out the door? Am I changing anyone’s mind here?

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Comments

How Do You Handle A Break-Up? — 42 Comments

  1. I’m pisces– I don’t bloody, I disappear. it doesn’t usually give people a chance to bloody me, but sometimes they’re tenacious enough to manage it, or to force me into a position where I threaten to call the police. but injuring someone is not my m.o.

    • Mars in Scorpio, I sting the other person when I’ve been hurt by a breakup. I’m not proud of the behavior, but I can’t seem to help it when the break-ups happened. That was in my youth, I hope I’ve matured somewhat since then!

    • The way I’ve heard it has been, ” I’ll jump off that bridge when
      I get to it !”.

      Doesn’t fit the Blogs subject, but I like the way it zings and I use it often when people pose problems or fret about upcoming issues
      while they’re still premature.

  2. Luci, I have leo too. drama’s okay– damage is not. people may remember me as over the top but not as nasty or vindictive (I assume).

  3. I’m the weirdo in my family – everyone has burned bridges with past relationships, from my mom and dad to my brothers and their various ex-wives. Even my grandmother with my mom’s father.

    I tried hard not to do that. Even with Les, after all the shredding of each other that we did, we were best friends after allowing time to heal.

    There is one man in my past that I was not able to maintain friendly or even easy relations with. Not for lack of trying on my part, but because after being together for three years and him being completely unable to commit to me, I met my husband while he was in school in Arizona. I guess I was supposed to be committed to him even though he used to give me Valentine’s cards that said he was “in like” with me after all those years? Not to mention, my mother was in her final stages of cancer, and I needed to be able to count on someone who wouldn’t just drop us off at the door to the hospital and wait for me to call him.

    I think of him now and then, and I hope he’s well, but would never dare to contact him. He was so angry at me for getting on with life.

    Very few bridges get burned if I have anything to say about it.

  4. Luci, I also have a Pisces sun with a Leo Moon. Not to mention Leo on my 7th house cusp and I’ve got Uranus in the 7th. I like unconventional relationships. YOUNGER men. I also like to be the one in the driver seat. That’s Pluto in the 7th also. And let’s not forget Aries Venus… if you want me, I don’t want you, but if I can’t have you, I will make you want me. Sigh…. but yes, I can relate to dramatic endings and stopping and restarting romances along the way…

  5. aries venus, too, but pisces mars…

    i’ve never had any trouble going back over any of the bridges i’ve wanted to… except for the first one. mostly because i was too ashamed. i think i probably could if i tried. but maybe we can expect to be a little stupid at 14… it sure taught me a lot about appreciation…

    you don’t need drama to have intensity. in fact, i think a lot of people confuse the first for the latter, likely source of a lot of the ridiculous behavior i’ve seen…

  6. My exes don’t leave, and maybe that’s because I’m in absolute agreement with everything Elsa’s been saying about breakups. Be they casual or serious involvements, we most always maintain contact, or get back in touch, or transform into friends, or rekindle a relationship … or some combination thereof.

    I realize that this sort of thing would scare the piss out of some people, but it’s the way my stuff works.

  7. Not mine. For me it’s trust. If I trust you I will do anything for you but if you break my trust (lover or friend) you are dirt under my shoe. For now and forevermore. Amen.

  8. I’m thinking about all the ex-friendships in my life and an ex-husband who was for such a long time a dear friend. Scorpio Sun and Cappy Moon have made a deeply pained past … there’s hope during this Pluto Capricorn long spell for change, redemption, not repeating a pattern.

    When hurt, I revert to the most ancient of hurts and then the trip through the pain is longer. Time does change things, and a young soul with an impatient nature just gets to learn later … that’s what this soul’s learning.

  9. I try very hard not to burn bridges but others have done it to me. And then they come back and expect me to forgive. That’s the problem…I’m a Scorp. I can forgive in a heartbeat and generally do. But I can’t forget. So I do wish them well, no matter how or why they caused me pain, but I just don’t want them in my life or near it.

    Even when I bend over backwards to compassionately extricate myself from a damaging person or company, still, somehow *I* get burned. It wears me down and honestly makes me hide a fair bit.

  10. It may sound cold but… when I’m done with someone I’m done. Friend, lover, family member, it doesn’t make a difference. I really don’t care what happens to the bridge as I no longer have use for it. Good-bye is a death sentence. The bridge is abandoned without bothering to burn.
    The infamous 12th house Cap Sun
    7th house Leo Moon
    Cap Rising
    Midheaven Venus in Scorpio
    4th house Mars in Libra

  11. I’m with you Satori, I disappear. I love being able to disappear. I used to envy people who burned their bridges because it looked so spectacular and dramatic. I used to watch them do their thing and think, ‘wow that must feel good.’ But Now that I’m older I know that my way really works best for me.

  12. I avoid burning bridges as much as possible, but people have done this to me a few times. As long as they don’t disrespect me when they leave I can forgive. I tolerate a lot but if they cross the line, the whole relationship suddenly transforms into something petty and cheap, and I’ll just disappear for good. If they have to exit, the least they can do is show some class, anything else is just tacky. Gross

    I don’t like being abandoned either. I may take someone back, but they will have to win me back from square one.

  13. I’m the one who gets burned, rather than doing the burning.

    In my life, once someone’s gone, they are GONE. They may pop up once more, but we will not be able to build a relationship again after years have passed and everyone’s in different places. It doesn’t matter if they spit in my face or not on the way out really, because they’re still gone and it’s still dead.

  14. I can’t keep any contact with people once it’s over. It hurts too much – but then I have read that Virgos are all or nothing when it comes to love. If I have to burn the bridge in order to keep from going back then so be it. Self preservation. I always regret causing hurt, but that’s because a part of me never seems to stop caring.

    Maybe though, it’s the awkwardness of the Saturn Venus conjunction in my 12th House (Virgo).

  15. In the movie The Hunt for Red October, Sean Connery’s character explained that when he reached the new world, Cortez burned his ships so that his men would be fully committed to their present situation.

  16. Leo with Taurus Moon here.
    IMO it depends on why and how the relationship broke up. If it was done after discussion and with agreement, then I wouldn’t have an axe to grind.
    However, I would never be able to get the feeling back. I have a Taurus moon, fixed in emotions and either in or out. Once I’ve let the feeling go, it’s gone.
    But God help any man who lies to me, takes me for a fool or disrespects me, then ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ and they will get payback.
    Vindictive , moi, noooo! – just not very charitable when I have been crossed.
    Must be my Sun conj Pluto and 8th house moon square Mars – plus my Mercury in Virgo knows(or can find out) where all the bodies are buried.
    He he !

    • Yep @ ‘hell hath no fury’ – that’s me too -well maybe most of us 😉

      I don’t do ‘payback’ though – but, it’s done: it’s done

      But, yeah: I do know all & can ferret it all out. In fact, it’s unnerving how well I pick up on things – things I’d rather not know frankly

      I’d say that is my Mercury/Pluto conjunction in Libra/6th trining Mars in Gemini….curious to a fault. And I WILL know all, muahahaha (yeah, have to add Virgo Sun in 5th & as far as not liking to be taken for granted: Moon & Venus in Leo & in the 5th – this kitty has claws but I can sure purr too)

  17. Yea, I was horrible. The sad part is, although I’m no longer ‘in love’ with my ex, and I’d like to still have him as a casual friend, I’m quite convinced he wants nothing at all to do with me ever again. I’ve had to learn these Plutonian lessons the hard way. I will not try to cause pain to anyone in future, whether or not they outright reject me.

  18. Haha, this post is great timing for me Elsa as my Scorpio man has broken up with me.

    I frankly do not ever want to burn bridges as you never know what may happen later. Plus, as you grow up I realize, it’s not very mature to have a horrible breakup. But it does cause regrets if the breakup wasn’t “harsh” enough for you to never want to see the other person again.

  19. My guess is that this is a thing you to do make sure that the relationship is really over and you can’t go back even if you want to. It’s a way to get over someone, by salting the earth, by doing something unforgivable. I have not done it myself, but I think that is the logic behind that kind of thing.

    I’m rereading this YA book series I loved in the 90’s and it’s kind of fascinating now to read about how the teenager characters are getting their feelings hurt, getting the wrong impression that their SO’s still want to get back together with their exes, getting the urge for revenge by cheating so they have something to throw in their love’s faces and at the same time KIND OF realize this is a horrible idea and yet don’t manage to put the brakes on well enough to stop their self-sabotage. They still absolutely love their SO’s but at the same time just can’t stop themselves from doing something irrevocable and shitty even though they don’t want the relationship to end!

  20. I only had one ugly breakup that didn’t turn out clean. It was because he wouldn’t stop harassing me via text. I wanted to salvage a friendship and maybe leave a chance for something between us in the future, and I told him if he didn’t stop insulting me I would block him and never speak to him again. Unfortunately he continued, so that’s what I did.

    My last breakup was so clean, it didn’t even begin to get ugly. It was also not initiated by me. So that was an improvement.

  21. If I was single and met a man who continually trashed his ex wife, I would perceive this behaviour to be a red flag. I’d know that it’s likely if we ever depart ways, that he would turn all ugly on me. I think signs of bad character are evident early on, we just have to pay attention.

  22. Im going through the stages of grief. For the past 5 years I have been through an incredably painful unrequited love…with the other side of the my same coin. Real soulmate stuff.
    I have experienced the denial, bargaining, anger, depression…even some acceptance. Was and am still deeply deeply in love with the same man who drew “the line” and now sees me as a friend. Sparks from him were there at some point in the beginning. But Im older now and I think he sees me only as a friend.
    I Wont play games in my favor.
    Not so much a breakup but a move on.
    But as a rule, I dont burn my bridges either. I leave on a good note. I dont leave relationships that look like I just got into my car and dragged them behind on a rope on an asphalt highway. Whats the point…

  23. I am guessing,when young and in love ;the hurt could be more than just one seam,I mean growing up introduces things that might feel unfair, but that’s life
    Mix in the dreamy love and power of 2 then the sting could burn in the relationship box because you’ve not really accepting that life work and relationships are involved with actual pieces of time.Now when you are older and know the drill of adulthood the parting could be about the choices and compromises and the parting could be that one or both see that time doesn’t offer us enough playtime unless you give it your all,all available unimaginable promise
    To love ,some I am guessing need to burn the bridge to understand that they are alone and need to be strong and then they can learn to build another bridge or swing or wings or song that gets them to the other side.

  24. In Arizona, my Lucifer (asteroid) is in Virgo in my eleventh house. My Arizona friends were habitually evil shockingly to my rebellion.
    It’s because is Virgo Pallas & Sun in the twelfth house. As kids, they liked that I was submissive.
    I’m burning bridges.

    I’m going to move east, where it’ll be in my tenth house instead. I’m going to restrict evil from my life habitually from now on.

    Not burning bridges can be right to do in relationships with innocent people. The way relocation works, it can begin, end, or rebegin relationships by housing changes between locations.
    The reason housing differs by location is that different areas see, and treat you differently, giving different limitations, and opportunities.

  25. Just thinking when you burn the bridge you keep the enemy out some don’t make love they make war they win every battle they lose the war the bridge might be the reason

  26. Just go, leave, close the door… it’s the end, finished, no trashing, nothing.
    I’m a Libra, but some decisions I make suddenly: in one day, or in one minute and then it’s the end.

  27. No, I do not torch or maim. Maybe I’ll envision pushing you out of a moving vehicle (and even then, there are maybe two or three people I feel that way about). But I’m not taking any action. You’re in the past, an experience and lesson learned for good and bad.
    As far as bridges? I don’t burn them but I am the gatekeeper. And I sure as hell can put 17 locks on it, arm myself, and put up spike strips if I need to. Other than that, I’m not too worried.

  28. Hi Elsa. Im not sure what Venus-Neptune ‘thing’ you’ve got going on but I have the square with Venus in 12th conj mercury, so it seems I end up hurting more than them if I even just tell them the truth, let alone if I give wings to my scorpionic energy ruling the 7th. Ive had experiences I dont necessarily feel proud of but it’s more like drama and shedding light on what was really going in conversation with MY people. I dont try to hurt them in their next ‘life’, partnerships or whatever. I find that type thing diminishing and dishonorable to MYself. On the other hand, on what you ask on the other post
    “Does the manner in which you leave one relationship impact the next? Does the trail of bodies you leave behind mean anything? You’re going to be a decent person, when?”
    Its an absolute yes for every question and ive seen it in action. Even with friendships. When one is not upfront or unaware of what is/was leading them in their actions, they’ll experience cyclical purgatory until they go back and find closure. Same for many who were left behind feeling the victim. The dynamics have to be broken or healed in order to move forward to a better place. Even with families, in my own and others’. Only in this case id say it could take eclipses repeating (19yrs) for things to get worked out and healed (since blood ties are forever, only the cosmos can actually force people into a corner and deal with their issues maybe?…)
    Bless you Elsa. People will want to be decent at some point and one thing in my case, only my killer seems to have the key to reviving my dead body. This is how Im currently experiencing it at least. It took me one long night of the soul to finally he able to shine my light again but its like until he apologises i cant mend the last bit. I love this person to death and hes finally coming around to do it, which i hope he does from the heart. Its consuming him more than myself right now. I know it in my heart. Karma is not to be messed with. No, m’am.

  29. I have a couple of people I can never go back to or see again (if I can avoid it).

    It’s simply not done, as the damage was too big.

    The first one was not a “we hated each other” but a “He didn’t love me during our 7 years together” – I did not take this very well. He burned my skin off and made me grow a thicker, but people like that – they stay with you as an “Avoid at all cost” types. Even today, I can’t look at his Facebook profile and think kindly of his character. I do wish him well though, I am not vindictive, but I don’t need him in my life in any way.

    The other person is someone that would not work well if we were ever in the same room again, as he cheated on me and didn’t tell me until after the breakup. He was a narcissistic and had a mean personality/streak.

    My own approach has always been to remain on the white horse. I have tried. I don’t think I have ever been really mean to someone. I have Pluto and Saturn in Libra, so for me it’s about doing the right thing in relationships, maintain integrity in some form or another, also by the end. But no, I do not need to see you anymore, when we are done, we are DONE. Learned that the hard way. Therefore I could never go back to any ex. There is a reason we were finished, and I expect my exes to have thought through that very well before doing what they did and hurt my trust. If they didn’t, well, sorry but no – you do not get to have a second chance and no, I can not be friends with someone I have had sex with. I am sorry, but my body and brain and heart does not work like that.

    This is a Scorpio after all. We burn bridges, but not in a dramatic fashion. We just leave you behind. (Ok, my Libra moon was probably dictating that, but she never likes things to get ugly)

  30. It’s not me who is unforgiving, it’s other people’s actions that are untrustworthy. As a Pisces, I believe in forgiveness, but only if the person shows remorse, apologizes, and regains my trust. However, sometimes it’s obvious someone will betray me again and so I don’t let them into my circle of friends again. Or, sometimes I have to stop contacting someone completely because they just drain me.

    Do I burn bridges? Sure, but only if the person is a total psychopath or has broken my trust so many times.

    Sorry if I sound like a marshmallow (not sorry), but the world has enough nastiness in it as it is.

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