Overweight – Teen Embarrassed To Be Seen Naked By Her Boyfriend

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Dear Elsa,

I have a boyfriend. He is a Pisces. I love him so much. I don’t know if he loves me. I mean I am a little on the chubby side… let’s face it I am very big girl. He tells all the time he loves me but I have a very hard time trusting. I am a Taurus. I guess it goes back to my childhood. But what should I do about this problem? I have a problem in bed. I don’t want him to see me naked.

Thanks,
Eighteen Year Old

Dear Eighteen,

There are several issues here that you can and should address, so I’m going to take them one at time. First, when someone repeatedly tells you they love you and their actions match their words, the chances are they are telling you the truth. So whatever it is you weigh, apparently this is a non-issue to our boyfriend. And you really ought to try to stretch yourself and open your mind to this possibility. Because to not do this is ultimately disrespectful of him.

See, people are individuals. And you feel how you feel about your weight, but this has nothing to do with how he feels. So though I understand why you’d do this, in reality it is not very kind to paint him with your brush while simultaneously ignoring what he’s telling you directly (“I love you”). So that’s number one. Entertain the idea that other people think and feel independent of you.

Secondly, you mention your childhood. And if you are aware that things that have happened to you are having a detrimental effect on your life, then congratulations! Many people are thirty before they figure that out! But that said, if you have a problem, it is now yours to solve. So do what you need to do: get yourself to a counselor.

I know you are young but help is available even if you don’t have resources. There are counselors who work on a sliding scale and if you can’t find that, there are 12-step groups which are free. You get the idea. Don’t just notice the problem, do something about it.

Now last, you don’t like how you look naked. And believe me, you are not alone here. As a matter of fact, it is the rare woman who is satisfied with her body and this is what I would suggest you strive for. To be rare that is! To be satisfied with your body, as it is at the moment, because it is this kind of self-acceptance that leads to better self care, where otherwise leads to more over-eating!

And on the man… well, people can see each other. You can see your boyfriend and he can see you. And really, people don’t look all that different naked. He also probably knows you are scared, so how about you talk to him? He loves you, right? So tell him about your fears and maybe he can help you. Turn the lights off, for starters. Go slow. But whatever you do, I hope you will begin to take steps that will heal this for you. I don’t imagine there is an easy fix, but there is definitely a path out, away and eventually clear of your bad feelings.

Good luck.

 

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Overweight – Teen Embarrassed To Be Seen Naked By Her Boyfriend — 5 Comments

  1. sending a big cyber-hug, for reals.

    I remember at 35 being in a swimsuit store with my kids, watching a teenage girl who was plumper that I was at her age, but not by a lot… it brings tears to my eyes right now to remember. She looked so incredibly gorgeous in that swimsuit… but it sure didn’t look like she knew it. I bet I looked gorgeous then but didn’t know it. I bet you do too.

    don’t wait 17 years to appreciate what you have now; I beg you, for your own sake. xoxox.

  2. As a fluffy girl, I understand her pain completely, but it’s amazing when someone really loves you how they don’t see all the places that make us cringe when we look in the mirror. Or moreso that they actually love each and every part of us!

    Elsa, you gave some great advice! I was almost 30 when I realized that I’m beautiful the way I am, fluff and all! Also, had I gone to counseling way back then, this trek would’ve been a helluvalot less painful.

    You rock!

    And Eighteen Year Old, I wish you luck.

  3. If you google “BBW” you will find that there are all kinds of people out there who actually LOVE, SEEK and are ATTRACTED TO “big beautiful women” (BBWs) 🙂

    There are even dating services dedicated to matching up BBWs and the people who seek them.

    Sounds like your bf is one of those and he is actually ATTRACTED to you. How about you ask him?

  4. It’s painful, but I think actually allowing yourself to be vulnerable in a (positive) situation is the best way to do it! If your bf does love and accept you, that’s the best place for exposure (no pun intended). I’ve struggled with bad body image as well (still do, though I am trying to be more accepting). It seems to amplify the problem to try and hide. A sort of “nude beach” nonchalance is a good goal. Also getting professional massages helps you get over being naked around people (also it feels great)…just in my experience 🙂

    The best of luck to you!

  5. Taking life drawing classes (sketching/painting nudes) was a real eye opener for me. I knew rationally, that representations of bodies in mainstream media are very limited, but it made a major difference to be exposed to such a wide range of different bodies. If one hasn’t learned to already, life drawing can help you to:

    – objectify people in a respectful, honorable way
    – separate nudity, sensuality and sexuality and to become more holistic in those contexts e.g. not localizing sexuality to the genitals, not seeing body as separate from mind etc.
    – gain greater knowledge about how your body functions and greater awareness over how your body feels
    – see different body types as beautiful – chunky, rail thin, muscle bound, wrinkly all over, whatever – the body is always a challenging and wonderful art subject!
    – celebrate nudity and the body in general

    Overall, good classes will foster exchanges based on respect and artistic integrity. It’s a body positive experience all around and one of my fave things to do. Hope this helps readers…

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