In the age of Instagram, we put far too much emphasis on appearance. People go to outrageous extremes, in order to have what they feel is a more attractive appearance. Yet they totally neglect to develop other parts of themselves such as their character or their intellect!
In reality, its hard to love veneer. It’s probably impossible over time because the veneer will degrade eventually. At that point, a person is left with whatever they’ve got on the inside. If you’ve got no brains, no heart and no soul…it’s going to catch up with you.
My husband is so intelligent and interesting, I don’t care what he looks like. I happen to like his looks but when he’s old and wrinkly and droopy all over, it won’t matter because the man is such a whole human being.
My son is in his early 20’s and he gets this. While his girlfriend can stun with her beauty, 90% of the time, she’s utterly casual. He loves her for wit, her kindness, her depth and caring. That’s what you marry!
Many would be well advised to redirect some of the energy they spend obsessing about over their looks towards making sure they don’t bore and burden the hell out of people. Because you’re asking someone to be with you and stay with you and when you get right down to it, looks is not enough…and I mean, it’s not even close.
What do you have going beneath your veneer?
A lot. I don’t even have much veneer to begin with. 😉
Although I do think I’ve become boring over the years. I’ve been out of the habit of talking for so long now that I’ve almost forgotten how to hold a conversation. I’m sure that running from “small talk” isn’t helping this issue any, either. *smiles*
I have a nice mahogany veneer over sturdy hardwood construction underneath. Just kidding. Actually, I am solid cherry wood. I see myself as dependable, loyal, good with money, good at fixing things and I have a wonderfully inane sense of humor.
I agree with this once one is in a long term thing. I even agree with it on principle “no matter what”
however, as a person who is NOT coupled, I find the “looks” thing more significant that I would like. The sad fact remains that in too many cases, and especially for women, if you’re veneer isn’t sufficiently attractive, potential partners don’t have any incentive nor desire to get to know how special your character, brains, talents, or spirit might be.
So I would put a slight twist on your statement:
I think many would be well advised to redirect some of the energy they spend obsessing over the looks of their potential mates towards making sure they won’t bore and burden the hell out them. Because you’re looking for someone to be with, and stay with, and when you get right down to it, looks is not enough…and I mean, it’s not even close.
Yes I am self conscious about my looks, especially with saturn on my ascendent, but damn it, it’s not because *I* think it should matter. But it DOES matter. Or it sure as hell seems to, when you’re single at least =(
While I try to take care of my “veneer” as its the only one I got, I have always realized that veneers are not the end all and be all!
Often, I have found people to be much more attractive to me once I find out what is underneath their veneer.
There are several people who I work with that are all about their veneers, which are not attractive veneers. They are so consumed with surgery for this or that, tanning, having manicures, while in the mean time, you cannot even have the simplest conversation with them about current events or if they did anything interesting over the weekend, the news, whatever. They know NOTHING about it or have done nothing of interest. And they do not want to know anything about you, unless its something they deem salacious. They do enjoy conversations about their latest purchases – again, veneer.
I cannot imagine having such an existence.
It seems I dont look as good on the outside as when I started school a year ago. BUT the inner changes show and soon financial changes will put me in a different category. I dont mean money will buy me happiness but it gives me opportunities to do things without the stress of keeping the electricity on. And let’s face it if you gave worked hard for years and think if dating someone are you really going to easily date someone with 5 kids who can’t pay their bills without considering that if you let yourself fall for them you will feel the desire to take on some of it? Partnership is awesome but if one does it all it’s not partnership. Plus I NEED to know I am nit dependent on someone. That I can do it and will do it!
Well. Men my age don’t want women my age, and I was sort of out of the race for all this stuff before I even realized what happened. So my opinion is that eventually you end up with yourself, and if all you’ve been doing your whole life is try to look gorgeous, eventually whatever pleasure or sense of achievement you got from that is going to go. You’ll have, like, your old boudoir photos to look at and that’s sort of it.
You can get to work on this sooner or later, but it’s much easier to get going as soon as possible so you don’t wake up one morning, fifty and surprised.
@learningtoground: You are smarter than you know.
I am growing my hair out to it’s natural color (strawberry blonde) I have stopped spray tanning, and I don’t weigh myself obsessively anymore like I used too. I still Try to look nice, and lately people have been telling me I look prettier than ever! I hope they are seeing all the work I have been doing spirtually instead of all the work I did in vain. I have cap in Venus and mercury and Jupiter are there too. Mercury is retro for me natally, so translating my inner beauty is very fulfilling and rewarding. Pluto is my chart ruler, so I am assuming this unintentional shift from exterior to interior work will help me someday when my husband overlooks all my wrinkles and age spots and is reminded why he still is attracted to me even in my old age.
I just think if you’re getting a lot of dates but everyone leaves you, there is a reason…and eva is right about waking up, 50 years old.
sensitivity, confidence, integrity, fortitude, wit.
I have been pondering this topic for a little while in my head. Do looks really matter? I’m single and lately I’ve stopped really caring about my looks. I’ve cut my long hair to shoulder length and havn’t used my straightner in ages. I hardly wear any make up and I dress to suit my mood which is usually casual. The reason is simply because I want to and feel happy with myself. I used to be so superficial and I do believe those that pay alot of attention to their looks are just insecure, fearful and a puppet to consumerism (had to throw that in).
Looking at the opposite sex I no longer see “hot or not,” I see people and I’d rather get to know a person from the inside out.
Having said that, I live pretty healthily and you can see on the outside whether someone is healthy or not. As for money, it can show how hard someone works, intellect, drive, how someone takes care of themselves. I look for these things in potential partners and any of my friends.
Beneath my veneer? Someone who cares deeply about just about anything you can think of.
Years ago I had a freak out after mold exploded in my apartment overnight. I called work in a panic and later got an email from a woman I work with:
“It was nice to find out you are not impervious to the curve balls of life.”
That was like a knife. If I’m not freaking out, no one thinks I care? I bleed like the rest of you, trust me.
I’d be glad to wake up 50 again LOL. I just got dumped at 63 by a guy who just woke up one day and decided he didn’t want to be in a relationship after 4.5 years. I am thankful he didn’t waste more of my time, but at my age there are a dozen women for every available man, so there really are few fish in the sea. Since I was not blessed with natural beauty, though, I have done a lot of self-work. I am smart, witty, honest, warm, and generous. I am also sane and sensible. And, most of all, I’m happy with the life I have created. I’m sad over the breakup, but that’s temporary. Overall my life is good and I am very proud of that.
LOL! This is a great post Elsa, I don’t mean to laugh or make light of it… it just tickled me because it reminded me of the very first time I pointed my (now) husband to my mother across a crowded room. She didn’t know I was interested or anything, and her response was, ‘My, I think he’s the ugliest man I’ve ever seen.’ 😉 Of course, I think he’s adorable, but I admit, he’s not Mr. G.Q. by any stretch!
Ditto to what Lisa wrote. I’m great under the veneer but the veneer itself is average. So I’m ruled out before a man even gets to know me
Elsa: I get no dates and everyone leaves me….
it’s kind of funny right?
i’m not much into veneer. the brain hits me first. then the heart.
i don’t know… i just think everyone is beautiful in their own right. whether or not i’m attracted. and in that case, i’d say i really don’t need to be attracted to everyone.
i can appreciate beauty, but that is not what attracts me to people. i mean external beauty or some ideal of external beauty. (beautiful things, yes. but my own idea of what that is.)
as for under my veneer… i don’t have much of it. i take a bath everyday. and i try to take care of myself. but i do think that ultimately, it’s what i’m made of on the inside that is attractive, sometimes unattractive.
brains and heart. all the way. both ways.
Veneer was a huge part of my childhood and young adulthood. My mother was very proud of and obsessed with how I looked and placed a huge emphasis on it. She has stellium in Scorpio squaring stellium in Leo. People focused so intensely on how I looked it was really exhausting and created a lot of pressure. I am a perfectionist myself so I added to this. I never felt I didn’t have other qualities or talents, but this was definitely the most important. I was literally a decorative object for the first 30 years of my life.
But when I got pregnant I gained 65 lbs and it totally freed me. I went back to my normal weight postpartum but I learned a lot in the process about how attached I am to how I look and was able to let go of a lot of it.
When you see plastic barbies at 60 with perky “twins” and the joker look plastic surgery you have to ask yourself if it’s simply right to surrender or maintain that core self that is still young at heart. At 55 I do feel the angst of surrendering my better days. I don’t think it will change the outcome. The engine will wear out one day!
lots of loyalty, depth, and intelligent conversations.
Amen to this.
I want the Soul connection. If you are with the right person, they love you for your Soul, not the package it comes in.
Why can’t we have both? I don’t mean a fake veneer or self-obsession, I mean a healthy sense of respect for our bodies and our souls? It’s a matter of purification. Furthermore, like attracts like.
I don’t know who wrote the following verse, and you can substitute “spirit” if you prefer:: “If you live close to God in his (her) infinite grace, you don’t have to say it, it shows on your face.” Haven’t we all seen older people who just glowed?
I do want to add that of course as a libra rising, I love beauty, harmony and even some glamour. But I live in a city where there are a lot of older women doing a lot of cosmetic surgery to maintain that “competitive edge” — whether for business or to attract those men who are looking for much younger women. The impression I get is that these women look hungry.
I resonate very strongly with this. (Venus/Saturn/Pluto in Scorpio)
I think “veneer” applies to your personality as well as appearance. It’s possible to fake being intelligent and interesting, but that too degrades quickly.
There’s really nothing like the first moment when you realize you have become oblivious to a person’s outside because you’re so keyed in to the inner self.
My Venus squares my Leo Rising. I am physically attractive and sometimes I feel the square serves to block the deeper soul connection I desire, because it’s so easy to rely on the surface as an attractant. I’ve been pulling back from dating for this reason, trying to figure out how to transcend this, and also modifying my appearance so it’s more obvious who I am on the inside– I wear my glasses more often, display my tattoo sleeve, etc.
I thought I had a lot of weirdness and personality and difference and pretty girls were just drones. It is not the case. Everyone is complex. I also think doing yourself up and putting effort into your appearance and body takes work and discipline. That I notice myself lacking.
Whatever’s under my veneer needs work. I don’t think I have the personality I thought and being proud of weirdness is such an obvious cop out from having measurable skills like intelligence critical thinking discipline kindness etc.
People work on who they are and sometimes exercising a lot and having a stack o creams you researched develops internal discipline.
Men who I dated asked me whether I’m happy whether I’m passionate about anything what I’m working on. It maddened me. These were entrepreneurs who were unfairly putting the focus on me passing muster while they barely paid the bill.
Then I met one person who wanted me to work on the right things. On my potential and not asking me whether I exercise.
Some men don’t accept that you’re a work in progress just like them. Others make you want to be better. Sometimes you want to spend some time not being that great
I’ve got stamina, a big heart, soul, creativity, wit, generosity, intelligence, sensitivity and, character, or at least, that’s what i hope.
About a year ago inspection came to the school i work for and they had chosen my class to attend. One of my colleagues who worked at the office said: “Wear something sexy, that usually works” Baffled as i was, i answered “My qualities as a teacher overshadow my looks.” The colleagues was female btw.
Great writing btw!
Really great writing
Thank you(s). 🙂
Grey smoky gurgling stream with warmth above and cold dark icy and moving beneath dep grey
I’m no Hollywood idol but because I treat people respectfully, show genuine interest and help them out when I have the opportunity, I’ve always attracted positive people who make me look good! When you have loyal, enjoyable friends and lovers you increase your attractiveness for sure! You don’t need to be physically perfect at all.
I’ve been called pretty…even beautiful. I smile and I am polite about the compliment but it means nothing to me. I actually get a little angry because I made it a lifelong pursuit to build integrity, honor, grace, an informed mind and open heart.
Looks mean nothing to me in a beloved either. Genuine Sweetness, honor, self awareness, a strong clever open mind and a rapier wit are my kryptonite.
Agree that it’s very important to work on who you are as a person under the veneer, and if you truly love someone unconditionally their appearance won’t change that. But looking as good as possible is an economic survival strategy now. Many employers don’t care how capable you are unless you’re also young and thin too. Blame the value system, not the people struggling to survive while navigating it.
My mother always said, “Pretty is as pretty does.” I think looks may get you in the door, but you’d better be prepared to perform once you’re in. Not just at a job but also at marriage. It’s amazing how we stop noticing how nice our partners look on the outside and see their true character and value the longer we’re together. Beauty is so much more than skin-deep.