Outside Influence: How Relationships Change You

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I have been influenced by husband. I think most people see this as a bad thing.  This may be  personal. They may not like my husband and therefore they may not like his influence but I think that people don’t like “influence” in general.  They want to marry someone and maintain themselves.

You hear this all the time.  People want to date but keep their identity and while this has become standard in the vernacular of our society, I think it’s crap.  You are going to be influenced by a close associate and not only that, what is the point of relating to someone in the first place unless you want their influence in your life?

This came to mind when I edited my book. The men and women featured are strong characters.  You’ll read about them and want to cast them right away.  Or know them. Or not know them as the case may be. But this is undeniable – these people influenced me.

As a person with a packed (absorbing) 8th house and Venus square Neptune, I may be more permeable than most but I also learning all time.  If I learn from a person, they have influenced me. I equate this with success but I don’t think it’s the norm.

I don’t know how people became convinced they should not be influenced by another and if this happens, they have failed  and somehow been polluted. I think a person could benefit by rethinking their position and perhaps even begin to hope they meet someone who influences their life.

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Outside Influence: How Relationships Change You — 25 Comments

  1. I’ve heard this a lot too – stay “strong” and don’t be influenced. Kind of compares to “don’t ever compromise.” But that is building walls! I’ve only seen people become happier when they’ve finally let them down – myself included, I have to admit. I’m a recovering wall-builder and found that there are nice things on the other side 🙂

  2. OMG! I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t have other people, both personally and professionally, influence me. Afterall, no one has the market cornered on truth and wisdom.

  3. I think that those who abdicate that they do not want to be influenced by another person are very fearful people. They are afraid that they will cease to be an individual or some such thing along those lines. I personally don’t get that line of thinking my self.

    However I also can’t understand why anyone would think it a bad thing that your husband has influenced you. All that I have read here and continue to read here tells me that you and your husband love each other very deeply and that is a beautiful thing anyway you look at it. You seem to be good for each other and are both strengthened by your union. I personally don’t see anything wrong with that.

    Now not everyone has that kind of situation in their relationship some couples are just wrong for each other and even they influence each other.

  4. I agree with @ dolce. I think it’s just that the word influence has bad connotations – for some it implies that the other person has power over them. If you’re scared of being influenced it’s probably cus you aren’t secure in your own power/boundaries/sense of self and are therefore in a struggle to retain control.

    You can’t have an energy exchange with another person, particularly an intimate relationship, without being affected/influenced by them, even if you are so busy being up in your head trying to control things that you aren’t fully present.

    Also, what’s the point in being with someone if they don’t add to your life in someway, and what is that but influence?

  5. I don’t understand not being influenced. I’m influenced in some way, but everyone in my life, and by people here, and other places online (as you’re also in my life, in some ways).

  6. No, I am not kidding. I must hear people say they aim to maintain themselves while being in a relationship at least twice a day. I virtually never hear the opposite (until I write something like this).

    People act like they did it alone, figured it out alone… matter of fact most of them take and take and take from other and in the end they claim to be a victim somehow.

  7. Very interesting that you would write about this topic today. A while back I ordered a book called, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by John M. Gottman. I hope to be married again (someday) and since the book was highly rated on Amazon I got it. For one reason or another I didn’t read too much of it, but I picked it up again today to browse.

    I randomly turned to chapter 6, which is called, “Let Your Partner Influence You.” And the author discusses just what you’ve said here.

    I can honestly say that I DID let my ex influence me, but he did not let me influence him. It’s one of the reasons I left him. He would not listen to me and it drove me away.

  8. my eccentricities become more erratic, fragile, and disembodied without a partner of some kind.
    friends will work. but human contact provides stabilization and balancing that i need.
    so, yeh, i’m different in partnerships. generally, better. as long as i pick well.

  9. My ‘partners’ always offered me a perspective on unrealized aspects of my idea of my ‘better’ self. As mentioned above, only pity being that our egos expect our partners to see us likewise.
    I knew mortality was a reality since I was very young but now that I, myself, am hoving into its view, I see that ego is the little cartoon devil on your left shoulder, just buzzing into your ear nonstop. Yes, yes, yes, I could demand, suggest, require, barter, negotiate even, a compromise, a balance. But – why do I think/feel/believe someone else (ie anybody but me) shoulda/woulda/coulda been anything but who they are right now.
    Here’s where I hear P cuz she does not counsel arguing with reality either. Be proud of our own endeavours made with our truest intent and accord that respect to the other, whomever they may be. (Saturn in Libra could be about balance within! Cool idea!)

  10. If you aren’t being influenced one way or the other, you aren’t growing.

    Maybe it all boils down to boundaries… again!

  11. yes. i want to maintain myself in relationships. all relationships. however i am changeable and hope always learning… so i can’t imagine not being influenced in relationship. i don’t actually see how it would be possible not to be. i do want, to some extent though, to understand the difference between the good the bad and the ugly. i think some people can be very negative influences. but influenced either way. i don’t see how it’s possible not to be.

  12. We should NEVER allow anyone to influence us because we are born knowing EVERYTHING..right? LOL

    I’ve got all kinds of Neptune and I’m permeable too. I won’t allow a psychopath to influence me, but someone I love and trust enough to spend the rest of my life with..yeah, their thoughts are worth taking a second look when comparing them to my own. And, I would hope I also influence him positively in return.

    Good example, before I met Ox I never locked the doors to my house or the car. Nope, cuz people are all good where I live right? We have nothing that anyone would want to take anyway, and if they really wanted to get in they could. LOL, do you think he stood for that for one minute? Ox taught me, “You deserve respect in your own home” Yeah, that was worth listening to.

    People should be learning and growing all the time and if you only ally yourself with your own knowledge and opinions you are going to hit a stalemate eventually.

  13. All the men with whom I’ve had an intimate relationship have influenced me profoundly – I would be a different person if I’d met, loved and married other men. How could it be otherwise?

    If you maintain your separateness and refuse to be influenced you are denying your partner access to the core of your being. There is a point at which boundaries become barriers

    Elsa: I would guess many of the people who dislike your husband’s influence on you disagree with his political stance! It puts you at a remove from certain ‘tribes’ 😉

  14. Geez, even I don’t claim that nobody is going to influence me and my picture is practically under “spinster” in the dictionary 😛 Come on. That’s impossible to do if you are around someone for any length of time.

  15. All my big changes have happened via romantic relationships. I have trouble separating what’s real and what’s not, what’s a positive and what’s a negative influence, until time passes and things take their toll. I have to use my experience (and other people’s perspectives) to help me gauge whether a new relationship is worth that investment. I am pretty quick to invest myself if the fantasy is just right (Venus trine Neptune).

  16. Wow, I have a very different perspective. Of course, I am influenced by my husband. We have been together for nearly 30 years. We started living together in our early twenties and we are both in our early 50s. In fact, I think that my husband’s influence has made me a better person. Likewise, I think that I am a very good influence on him. Yet we are both very independent types. I have never changed my name. I use my birth name at all times. We enjoy very different activities. He likes to hunt, fish, and golf. I don’t want to be involved in any of those activities. I love to read and watch old movies. I am much more involved in our children’s upbringing and activities. In fact, a lot of people know the two of us but didn’t know that we were married to each other.

  17. Lucky you, Elsa. I want a husband that influences me in a positive way, and me him. That’s the whole point – to find the person you can meld with and become a working unit while each of you is a bit better because of it. That’s what happens when you are married to the right person.

  18. Wow lots of old names on this post I remember from years ago.

    I commented above in 2011 and am surprised, after all the change I’ve gone through, that I’m happy to see something I wrote back then!

    One thing I’ve learned is that the way our culture is set up now, we don’t technically need to rely on anyone. Our food is cooked for us and delivered, coffee brewed for us and picked up through the drive through, holiday treats baked for us, association fees pay for the upkeep of our property if we have it, or rent. With this we’ve lost the solidity of our communities and our places within them. We don’t need to talk to each other because we have apps and shows to look at. And we’re “too busy.” Do we even have the chance to be influenced? People are in self-imposed boxes. I’d say the antidote is to be influenced. By real people!

    I remember my childhood when my parents told me about good influences and bad influences. They kept me away from the bad influences as much as possible 😄

    And what about our parents? They are our influences, whether good or bad, present or absent. (My aunt claims her mother as her anti-role model.) What about artists and achievers who we know personally? They influence and have been influenced as well. We’d be what without them? Ourselves? I don’t know about that. I don’t often get a fire under my belly without an influence of some time, and usually it comes from someone who is living a life I can admire. And that is when I feel most myself, most authentic.

    For what it’s worth, my husband has had a huge influence on me. He’s an unbreakable wall and is light years ahead of me in many ways, ways I don’t see until I stop fighting him and realize he cut through the crap years ago and I can really learn from him. (That’s Virgo for you 🙂)

  19. We are here to witness our soul’s evolution. How could we do that without others or living shared lives? You would be totally locked into your own mind like a prison. Events good and bad can bring important lessons for new perspectives.

  20. It’s an interesting angle this one.
    For a person with a lot of scars from people who hurt me, I think it’s safe to say that at one point you get fed up with the impacting thing.

    When the hurt gets too much over too long time, you shut people out. You can’t have them influence you. You become scarce with your energy, your time, your Care for people.
    I think that is what is happening for many people who has shut out the world. Too much pain and too much hurt.

    All feelings are energy. Negative energy can be attracted if your packed reciewing house (8th/12th for example) has no boundaries. Afflicted houses can be magnets that. Or, if transits activate them, in hard angles.

    What life has taught me is that you can’t control people’s energy. But that you need to set boundaries (still working on that) and turn the negative energy into gold – learning, as this blog post calls it. Transmute dirt into gold. Use the 8th house gifts to transcend and learn and transform. Scorpio people and 8th house people are usually good at this. But the worst is how bloody it hurts.
    Ouch! Did you HAVE to be such a jackass?

    Well, in my experience… You can’t transform vanilla to gold, you need stronger stuff than that to shine so brightly it will actually hurt YOUR opponents’ eyes just from looking at you. But I still think it sucks that it hurts so much…

  21. I do think sometimes I’m a bit too absorbent haha (8th house sun and neptune aspecting almost everything in my chart…), but there have definitely been people in my life whose influence i’m grateful for.

    a past partner’s exalted venus squared my venus, his mars in detriment squared my exalted mars, and almost every other aspect we had was an opposition. BUT, among other things, my venus expression is softer/gentler/kinder because of him. I’m still venus in sag, but because of him, it’s more evolved than it used to be.

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