I’ll give you another example of this phenomena around me since it’s all so clear at the moment. I doubt it stays that way so you know. Get it down while you can.
I was a 15 year old bartender. I was a 16 year old bartender and a 17 year old bartender too. And I wrote about some of these experiences in my book. And Scott was my boyfriend back then. I met Scott when I was 15, while lying about my age and working in his mother’s bar. And when he read my book, he liked but he found one thing very disturbing. He wanted to know why my (15 year old) personality wasn’t in it.
See, the book tells a story from my perspective. And from my perspective… well I was a teenager standing behind that bar, scared out of my wits. I was scared of being fired for one thing. I’d been caught lying more than once, which got me immediately fired and I was in a world of hurt. I was supporting myself and my mother for one thing so I desperately needed the job and the money.
I was living in a decrepit hotel with mentally ill, very poor old people, heroin addicts and the like. It was so lowly, it got condemned, but it was still an improvement considering I had been homeless prior so that was that.
This was reality at that time. I was trying to get a foothold in life in general and I had massive fear I would slip up around my age again, get fired and wind up back out the street with my mother. This was back when nobody was homeless so some very some heavy shit for a teenager. I was so poor I remember standing in front of a newspaper machine debating whether or not I could spare a dime to buy one so this was very, very real, but not to Scott! This is his version:
“Elsie, people are going to read this and they are not going to understand. No one ever dreamed you were underage back then. Are you kidding me? They’d not have thought that in a million years! You’d walk behind that bar every day and start telling jokes and you had everyone laughing non-stop. You were hysterically funny, people never had so much fun in their lives as they did with you behind a bar. You had so much charisma no one knew what to do. They didn’t have to do a damned thing! They put you back there and you sure as hell didn’t act like a 15 year old. You were not intimidated at all. Nothing of the like. You had total command of the place. I was there and it was something to behold the way you handled yourself and everyone in there.”
“Yeah? I vaguely recall,” I said.
“Hell yes. And this is not in this book and if you ask me, it should be. I was there and I know. I mean, I know now what the situation was back then. I understand fully today, but back then forget about it. You ran the show and you needed no help from anyone to do it. You had every bastard in that place eating out of your hand, there was never a sliver of doubt in anyone’s mind you could possibly be younger than you said you were. Are you kidding me? You ran that bar like a maestro. No one had ever seen anything like it, before or sinse. Even my mother who hates you, admits this is true…” 🙂
So there you go. And I am telling you not one thing has changed. My life now is (easily) as desperate as it was then and per usual no one has a clue. Except these days I tell people and guess what? They still don’t have a clue.
So I have been thinking about this over these last days and I do think I am just going to shut up about it and let the people have their hologram. I am just going to live in the ether and people who know how to access me there, can do exactly that while the rest can fight a windmill, I guess. Because at this point I am wondering what I might be able to do if I stop saying things no one can hear anyway.
(Saturn in Virgo, bay-bee. Speak wisely.)