I was talking to my 12-year-old son about some nifty psychological-flavored things I know. He’s always been advanced in this area. With Saturn in Scorpio transiting his Sun and Saturn in the 8th house, I see him growing on this front.
Hearing our conversation, my husband was a little surprised. I guess he thought that what I was doing was a bit unconventional where he’s a traditionalist. He has a way that he trains men. His way is effective but this particular young man has my DNA.
Because of that, I know he wants any key he can get. It’s a Panizzon thing. We want to win the card game! And if his mom is going to pass him an ace, he’s going to nab that sucker for sure. We’ve been having a series of conversations on these kinds of topics.
Yesterday I was telling him about how parents often do have favorites. “They say they don’t, but they just can’t help it. Sometimes their preference is slight, but sometimes it’s profound. One parent can prefer one kid and the other parent may prefer a different one. It’s gets complicated,” I said. He listened.
“You’re the only one here, but you probably see this when you visit, Quirky. He’s one of five kids and I bet his parents favor one or more over the others.”
He immediately said that his friend was his mother’s favorite, along with his little brother.
“Yes, it’s obvious,” I said. “She loves the hell out him and I am not surprised she favors his brother as well. I’m sure she loves all her kids, but she’s harder on the girls.”
He said she was.
“Well, their father might make up for that. And either way, it’s common. Mothers often are hard on their daughters. They don’t want them to make the same mistakes they did, or whatever. And the girls may become extraordinary people because of this. It really is complicated, but life is more interesting and it;s easier to understand if you take things like this into consideration…”
Are you the favorite child of one of your parents? The least favorite? How has this affected you?
Also see: Pluto in Capricorn – Shadow Side of Parenting -Just Because She’s Your Mother, This Doesn’t Mean She Likes You
My grandmother was CRAZY this way. She had 6 daughters and 2 sons and she favored her youngest son. The family talks about how she bought a two-seater car (when she had 8 kids!!) and would only let my youngest uncle ride in it, and they said he got his own room and his mom made the youngest girl sleep in the hallway because all the other rooms for full and she didn’t want him to have to share, and there are a million other stories and it REALLY fucked up my uncle’s life when he got to the real world. It took him decades to get over his sense of entitlement. And then his daughter was the only one out of 18 grandkids that my grandparents really cared about and she was all kinds of entitled as a kid but I think she’s stopped.
As for my family, if my parents have a favorite they hide it very well. My mom knows how messed up you make your kids when you have a favorite so she would never let it show, and both my parents are libras so everything has to be fair. I couldn’t even take a guess as to who the favorite would be.
Being a “favorite” is a funny thing. Yes, I think I am the favorite of both – they both started second families and I have 3 half-sisters. But I don’t think they can get away from this. But the funny thing about being the favorite is that they are the hardest on you. They just don’t seem to care what the others do – do something good or bad, whatever. But for me…well I had better live up to everything they expected and then some. It’s as though they see me as an extension of themselves and any ‘bad’ choices I make is a reflection of their own failings. Very, very interesting.
Good post Elsa.
My brother is my mom’s favorite child. I guess it comes from her upbringing: her mother and father came from a patriarchal culture, and they always wanted to have a son, but ironically, they had three daughters 🙂 and my mother’s uncle (father’s brother) had four daughters. There is a saying in my country that every Don Juan will father many, many daughters 🙂 Also, my brother is Gemini with Libra Ascendant, and Venus in Taurus; he is pretty charming, and actually looks a lot like my mother’s father, whom she dearly loved, so I can’t blame her on that. But the only thing I do not understand is her obvious denial of that. Since we’re grown-up now, I presume that is just another theme for therapy 🙂
My brother. By far both of my parents favorite. He’s a Scorpio with sun trine jupiter. Everyone loves him. Even me; I’m not even jealous. It’s one of the many things in my childhood that has humbled me. Good thing.
I think I’m my dads favorite in a way. At least I think I’m he only woman he’s ever had a shred of respect for.
This is brought up fairly regularly at our house. My older kids think my youngest, Baby Scorp, is the favorite. My mom says no, it’s Mr. Cap, my oldest. It’s probably a tie between them. 🙂 And my middle one? She’s Dad’s favorite, his first little girl.
My parents Saturn and Uranus were in aquarius, I believe. Raised to be individuals by parental example. They are the fairest people I have ever known. There was no favoritism, but plenty of exceptions for individual differences. And they always said, you all have to get along, but really had no clue how to facilitate that.
My brother was the favourite of both my parents. It was so obvious when I was a kid that it upset me quite a lot at times. He was the second child (and the youngest), a Sag with Leo moon conj Mars, Venus in Scorp square Saturn in Aquarius, Mercury in Cap.
He got away with a ton of stuff… at about eight he and some of his friends were trying to set fires in some new houses being built a few blocks away from our own. He also tried setting fires in our back yard, and I caught him and tried to tell my parents about it; my brother told them I was doing it too, and I was punished for it. Manipulative. He was allowed to attack me physically but I was not allowed to fight back. Our childhood caused a rift which only began to heal a few months before he was killed.
I don’t think that my brother, other than the material things he received and the lack of punishment for most of his misdeeds, benefited from being the favourite. He became an alcoholic in his late teens, and that destroyed his relationship with his girlfriend of four years; he got several DUIs but was still allowed to drive the family car right up until the final DUI when he lost his license. By the time he reached adulthood he was well on his way to becoming just as big of a narcissistic personality as my father (with whom he shared his Mars placement).
My mother wasn’t quite so obvious as my father when it came to showing favourites, and I never doubted she loved me, but I wish she and my father had both made my brother accountable for the things he had done to me (attacking me in an alcoholic rage over being asked to not turn off the show I was watching on TV so he could listen to his music, helping my first boyfriend and his friends beat me up over the way I swung the bottom of my long coat, the multiple DUIs, etc.) Because he thought he could get away with whatever he wanted, he ultimately — according to the police at the accident scene — got into an accident on the highway which killed not only himself, but also the friend with him; the police claimed he was driving the friend’s car. The friend had two kids who were devastated at losing their dad.
I vowed never to show favourites if I ever was fortunate enough to have my own family, although I think it’s normal to like one kid over the other at times… there’s also sometimes better synastry between a parent and one of the children which can contribute to this.
Wow! How tragic. He never learned his limit and just kept pushin it. Wow! I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. My brother hated the limits my dad set but maybe he needed that. No wonder one of my sisters went to hell after he died. She didn’t feel safe anymore. I had to get over just how crazy he can get, but maybe she always knew.
I’m the only child, but my mom has always been hard on me. The pressure can be too much at times.
That’s wonderful that you’re teaching your son these things…they’re invaluable and I’m sure he will always treasure your sharing things like this with him… That’s the kind of mom I try to be as well… My sons a Taurus sun conj merc. And has an 8th house moon and Pluto on his asc…
I was the least favored to my mother, who raised me the majority of the time and the most favored to my father. I was the most favored grand child to my moms mother as well.
I was the oldest of 3 children… All two years apart… My sister was the middle child, and brother the youngest. My brother is most definitely the favored one by my mom… It’s written all over her. Both my mom and brother have Virgo suns and cap moons.
My poor sister, no wonder she was such a brat, stuck in the middle, scrounging for attention the way she was… Geez, hindsight….
I think I am my parents’ favorite, though this is admittedly hush-hush. My parents will never admit it, and I don’t even know if my sister knows. She might suspect it, though. I think it has to do with the fact that as the older sibling I have always had more responsibility and have had to fight very hard to forge my own path. I’ve been humbled in my life, repeatedly. They appreciate this. My sister is a super-Arian, kind of selfish, and has been taken care of her whole life by someone. She has never had to be 100% responsible for herself.
I know this sounds awful, but I do think it is true.
Thinking about this more deeply, I also think my parents both have relied on me, in subtle ways, to co-parent with them. This may be it–ever since their divorce, they have seen me as something of a peer, not their child. This makes me shudder. I usually act adult enough to warrant it, but that doesn’t make it right.
Yeah I’m the favourite of both. I’ve been told by everyone, too. It comes with its own baggage.
Double checked parental charts. Uranus in Aq opp Saturn in Leo. Made a mistake and talked to my oldest sister about the parents and family set. She took the opportunity to dish dead mother. I relayed his part in what she said about mother. She would have none of that. I think she thinks our father was God. She is very hard on women in general. Sounds oedipal, doesn’t it. Similar to the frankenbrother hatred for my father.
The thing about individuals, parents and children alike, is that in the quest to do it our own way, we can walk right over the top of everyone else. Ye gads! I should have known better than to discuss it with her. I might have stirred up a rat’s nest again. Note to self: let sleepin dogs lie.
My sister would say I’m the favorite. I call bullshit on that.
Mom abused us both equally, and my Dad tried to treat us as equals — but Sis has/had hang-ups about not being his biological child and didn’t see that. Still doesn’t see it.
I can halfway see her side of things because I wasn’t really a troublemaker, but she had a pretty heavy-duty rebellious phase and lots of clashes with our parents because of that. I have a much smoother relationship with them.
I believe it’s true about favorites, if you have more than one child, chances are you’re going to have more affinities with one than with another. It also has to do with the child and the way the child relates to the parent. So it’s really not a one-sided “I like you better than…” thing but more of a “we like each other” thing.
Men and women are harder on same-gender children because a father teaches a son how to be a man in the world, something that the mother has not experienced and therefore cannot teach. Likewise, a mother teaches a daughter how to be a woman in the world, which the father cannot do. This is why it appears that fathers are hard on sons and mothers are hard on daughters. The opposite gender rarely fully understands the challenges the other gender faces.
Hahaha. My mother and I recently had a very telling convo about this subject recently. My younger sister has a family and lives down the street from my mom, who lives with my youngest sister and brother. She doesn’t like to be depended on at her age (probably should not have had children so late in her life) and all my siblings pretty much determine what most of her week looks like. I am the favorite (she didn’t say this, of course) I think because I live in a different state, and my family and I coming to visit her is like a special occasion. It’s complicated, but I think this is just how it is with us.
My sisters swear I am or was my mother’s favorite. I don’t believe it for a minute. I was her slave, I raised her kids and did housework as a little child. I got into trouble if my sisters did something stupid. Still with her responsibility placed on my shoulders as a child, they say I was the favorite. I am my fathers only child and I am still not the favorite hahahahahaha…..how’s that for BS!
I know I was my grandmothers favorite but she raised me like her own daughter. No one ever questioned it and no one cared because they knew she raised me till I was 8….and they understood that I was left behind by parents.
Both of my sons swear the other one is the fav. I had my first child for 7 years before I had the second. They were almost raised like only children. I love them differently because they are different people. But I do NOT love one more than I do the other. In fact, if I lost one, I have no idea how I would go on for the other one. We have gone through spurts where I have to spend more time with one than I do the other. Today I am closer to the youngest one but the squeaky wheel gets the grease. He needs the most help. So, I see him more. He is a pain in the ass……and the older one is actually easier to be around. (my Gemini is the pain in the ass and the Libra is delightful) I love them both so much. I have no idea what I did before them. I don’t want to know what I would do without them. There is no way to measure the love I have for one of them against the other. They are both everything to me. Very different but loved completely the same……enormously! They are the two most important things in my life.
My Mother’s favorite was the middle brother; I think she identified with him via victimization. Hers by her mother and stepmother and my brother’s my our alcoholic father. My Father hated women (I do believe) so obviously I wasn’t his favorite, the youngest brother was. I’d say the favoritism had less of an effect than the abuse.
I am a young girl and have a little sister. Iove her so much that have no words to express. But instead of return ing the same love back she takes advantage. And my mother instead of caring for me she looks for unnessesary Ways to hit me and shout at me. On top my father stands and laughs instead of supporting me. Today i have nothing no beauty dark dull face full of pimples fat body no friends no parents love. Even my family friends ignore me. What should i do. I have no option i should die . even if i die no 1 will care for me never ever i cry everyday to cause of french mother and father had to be course is my sister i see my sister very much she devil for me she destroyed my life my childhood.