Leon and His Ex-Wife Redux: Patterns in Relationships

Catch up here: Leon and His Ex-Wife: Scorpio Energy Deluxe

Leon and his ex lived several hours apart so although they didn’t see each other, they spent a lot of time on the phone. Emotionally sophisticated Leon knew she needed someone to talk to and he also knew she was not looking for anything else. No dick! I asked him how he felt about that.

“Oh, I don’t really mind,” he said. “I’d give it to her if that’s what she wanted but you know… she’s all Christian now. She teaches Sunday school and stuff. She’s really steeped in that, which is good. It’s helping her out at the moment. I think it’s good for her. And though I can’t say I’d mind getting laid, it’s probably just as well we don’t sleep together…”

And so they didn’t. And when the holidays rolled around, this would have been 2005, he took her out on New Years Eve so she wouldn’t be alone. It was really sweet. He took her to a concert that we all used to go to every New Years Eve, back in the day. We had terrific fun each year, so they got a thrill, reliving these days and I got a vicarious one.

“How is she? How does she look?’ I asked.

I was terrifically curious. I love this woman; it’s just the way I am. If I ever loved you, I guarantee you I still do.

“She’s looks great. She looks great, actually. I don’t think she could have aged any better,” he said.

They stayed in separate hotel rooms and she went home and she continued to call him at least daily, where several times a day was more typical. She was confiding in him. Blowing off steam.

It seems her two sons were high maintenance. It was as if their father treated her poorly and when he died, they took up where he left off. Leon and I felt hurt by this. We both wished things were not so hard for her. It was amazing how much we both still cared and Leon kept his energy under her in a steady way, while I kept my energy under him.

“It’s good you do this. She’s very lucky. You are a great ex-husband, maaan.”

He laughed. “Yeah, I’m not that bad,” he said.

So now it’s been about a year and half. I haven’t asked about her in about 3 months. I talk to Leon fairly frequently but he’s known for hating to talk on the phone so our conversations are always brief and it just hasn’t come up. But last night, I asked:

“How is she?”

“I don’t know. She quit talking to me,” he said. He sounded pretty even, emotionally. He sounded matter of fact.

“Yeah? Why?”

“I’m not sure. She sort of starting dropping off there. I was hearing from her less and less, so I called and left her a message. I was needling her a little. You know. Like I do. Not a lot but a little. So I did that and I guess she didn’t like it because she never called me back.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.”

“Did she get a man?”

“Yeah.”

“Well that’s why, Leon. She always dumps her friends when she gets a man.”

“She does?”

“She did it to me.”

“That’s right.”

“Yep. She met that prick and you know how close we were. But when she met him… well I went out with them one night, just for a couple of hours. And I have no idea what happened. I don’t know what I did but the next day she called me and asked me not to call her anymore. She said he didn’t like me and he making her choose between me and him. She literally said that… he told her this specifically and she told me she loved him and was choosing him.”

“I remember that,” he said. “You were hurt.”

“Yeah. So this is what she does. She leans on you hard. She likes to have friends, but then finds a man and bam! You’re out of here. And I bet you anything this new guy is a prick too. Why else do you need to get rid of your friends? I bet you anything she’s lined up and going to go around again. Same movie. Dump your friends and get stuck with a prick.”

“You’re probably right.”

“Yep. Sorry to say. Tell you the truth I think she’d have fared better with us for friends. So what else is going on? How are you? How is…”

I asked about my summer fling from 25 years ago. The guy in the romp, “A Jupiter Story For Y’all“. He was Leon’s friend, that’s how we met.

“He’s good. I’m going to go see him this summer.”

“All right then. She’s made her exit, but the rest of us are still here and I’m sure she’ll be back in another 20,” I said.

He just laughed.

Have you ever dumped a friend for “love”?


pictured… that’s the three of us back in the day. I have to blur their faces per his request, but I think you can see the energy…

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Leon and His Ex-Wife Redux: Patterns in Relationships — 18 Comments

  1. No, but a life-long friend dumped me because her boyfriend said I was cute. It took me nearly five years to find out why she cut me out of my life. When I did find out what had happened I figured I was better off without her.

  2. Well, thinking on it I think I’ve done it (not a complete dump, but there was a big lessening in the relationship) but only when I think I felt guilty because deep down I knew the guy(s) was an asshole and a dirtbag and I was making the wrong choice. I should have known better, but it was a self esteem issue primarily.

  3. I think I’ve always been the dumped, not the dumper, with the noteable exception of cutting off people who weren’t really my friends to begin with.

  4. I mostly ended up dumping guy friends bc my ex-husband was extremely jealous. I feel bad, too, bc there had never been anything romantic between any of my guy friends and me and I feel as if I really let them down.

    But one of the hallmarks of abusive relationships is that one person tries to get the other to prove her/his loyalty by slowly narrowing his/her social life. It makes sense. The other person is trying to a) make him/herself be the only lifeline to the partner; b) make sure that the partner has no input about what might be really going on in the relationship; c) makes the partner rely more and more on him/her so that s/he won’t abandon him/her.

    NOw, none of this takes away from the responsibility of the partner in question to think and stand up for herself/himself. But in any event, I think that Elsa read it right. This old friend is probably with a new abusive boyfriend at the moment which is probably why she’s cutting off people on whom she relied previously. So sad. Hopefully she will wake up and get some balls sooner rathe than later.

  5. Nope, can’t say that I have….usually if I cut someone out of my life it’s for a good reason. And if it isn’t (for a good reason – meaning, I got pissed over something stupid), then I usually start talking to them again soon. (I never stay pissed for long.)

  6. Not a chance. And any guy who asks that gets his ass dumped ASAP. I don’t make friends easily, but the ones I have are extremely important to me.

  7. My ex forced me to stop seeing not only all my friends but my family as well – a typical sign of an abuser. Not that he hit me, but he emotionally abused me for years. It’s taken me 13 years to get secure enough in myself to let another man into my life. We’ve been dating five months and still have our own lives apart from the time we have together – and we both prefer it that way. Funny, a friend told me once that there was a lid for every pot – I was complaining that I’d never find a man who would put up with my independance, so why bother to try. I was wrong.

    I have been dumped for a man – not really dumped but the time together and contact goes down when a friend finds a new love. They usually come back once the initial glow is gone – usually with complaints.

    I would never do that to a friend now. Friends are for life. If a man ever forced me to choose again, I’d have to say CYA!

  8. I dunno.. I have a lot of guy friends, and I frequently stay friends with my exes, which has bothered new partners. I have “dumped” friends who were exes before, because I was able to see my new partner’s point. I wouldn’t be crazy about the situation if the tables were turned. I’ve never dumped a girl friend, tho’. Or any of my purely platonic guy friends.

  9. I love Stephanie’s line. I have been dumped, but I don’t think I’ve dumped any friends, my husband had to get over all sorts of prejudices when he started dating me because I had a wide variety of friends and wasn’t willing to give up any of them. He did, he wasn’t a bad guy, just sort of sheltered, and though I’m not as close to a lot of those friends, more age and distance than any falling out, it was never because of him.

  10. I mean, I want to play the devil’s advocate. There has to be an explanation on why she would dump her friends for love. A deep insecurity from her past? Her childhood? Something with her father leaving very young now that she wants to hold on to a man? Well, I don’t know. But it’s something she needs to fix. I’ve been watching Dr. Keith Ablow (awesomeeeee) and what he taught me was that there is an explanation for everything. not excuses but explanation. Now I look back at people I used to dislike and find that there is an explanation to their behavior, or to my reaction. Maybe her sense of security was threatened. I can identify with her in my teenage years. But now I realize friends are friends and they are the foundation to everything. I love my friends.

  11. Nope, I’ve never dumped a friend for love. I would question a love that would require something like that. I’ve been dumped for a friend’s love. She’s still my friend though, but it made me wonder what kind of friendship we have.

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