Just Married And His Family Hates Her

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Dear Elsa,

I have been married for a little over a year. When I was dating, I knew my husband would never live anywhere other than his family’s land, and I told him I would try to live there once we were married. It is beautiful where we live – however we are about 40 miles from any town to work in. It is getting redundant driving so far every day, when we could move closer. Also, I am about to finish my Masters degree and when I do, I would like to be closer to a good employer; I do not want to drive 1.5 hours to work daily.

I have tried like I promised, but I hate it here! He also has all his friends and family near, who are constantly at our home. His friends and family think I am different since I am from the city, and we have really clashed. They also feel that if I do not like the area, that I should just leave. As a matter of fact my Mother-in-Law asked me to leave, and her mother said I needed to leave before we had a child and he “gets stuck with me forever”.

Sadly my husband is too nice to say anything to them for comments like this. Needless to say, I am miserable. I cry myself to sleep, I am losing weight, and I desperately need my husband to see my point of view! I don’t want a divorce, and he says he doesn’t either; however, he also says he cannot move from here, and that it would be to hard on him.

I am a hard worker. I take care of the bills, the yard, the cooking, and cleaning. I also work two jobs while pursuing my Masters degree. Do you think I am being unfair in needing to be closer to my employer and civilization? I am on the verge of running away! Please help!

Beleaguered Wife

Dear Beleaguered,

I feel very bad for you because it seems you are surrounded by the enemy. Just who is on your side here? No one I can identify.

Now I am very sorry but I don’t think your situation is likely to work out and your husband is the reason why. He is not really married to you, is he? He is married to his mother, to his mother’s mother, to his friends and to his motherland. And if you will accept all this, then fine. He’ll be married to you too and if not? Well then apparently you can kiss his ass.

Now to his credit (and yours for being honest about this), it does not seem he misrepresented himself. So what you got here is exactly what you bargained for, which was a really crappy bargain.

Because it sounds like you do everything. Except maybe plow the back forty and rub down the cows and as you can see… none of this matters. You are not only not appreciated, you are completely discardable to these people – and preferably as soon as possible.

So you see the situation here. I believe you’ve made a mistake. And I agree with the grandma, you should get out before you have a child – but not for his sake, for yours!!

Because it’s obvious you are not cut out to live in a family compound and believe me, these pricks are going to keep up the pressure until they win and they will win. Why? Because you are one. And they are many, and they are mean.

I say, run! Run for your life. This is not a family you want to be part of. As if they’d let you.

And if you leave, brace yourself. Because this family is going to blame you for everything while they coddle him. So you get the picture. Stay or go, you aren’t going to win.

I’m sorry.

Good luck.

~~
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Comments

Just Married And His Family Hates Her — 28 Comments

  1. Harsh, but true.
    If neither of you want a divorce, then either your husband will need to compromise on where you two live or end his family’s hostility towards you (if that would make your location more bearable to you). Bottom line – you deserve nothing less.

    I’m adding my luck as well!

  2. Ditto. Marriage is a union, is it not? Sadly, when you marry a spouse, you often marry your spouse’s family, as well. You didn’t mention if there is a cultural factor explaining why he refuses to leave them (or explaining why this effed-up family is determined to believe that you are wrong for him). If there is, you’re up against something much larger than merely sticking up for yourself. Your husband may claim not be able to choose whether you are treated well by this mob or not. But you can! You don’t want a divorce, but who wants to be emotionally trampled into the ground? I wish you well.

  3. That person and her letter made me want to cry. Why do strong women do these things to themselves. Yes, TO THEMSELVES. What goes on in our heads? I wish her the best of luck and hope she has great friends or finds a great therapist because she needs to talk to someone about this. I think she may feel bad for awhile. And free. And the freedom is worth it. Good Luck.

  4. I’ve been there and done that. I ran. BUT, I realize with 30 years hindsight that there were other options. I could have just chosen to let them support my excesses and adopted a lifestyle that pleased me.

    Announce that you have no interest in finding a job and that you are going to take up a sport (mountain climbing?) and he can support you. Your new hobby, about which you are extremely passionate about, should be rather expensive (raising race horses?) and should keep you from having to interface with your inlaws.

    If he is willing to go with you on this, he is a keeper. If he negotiates a move to town, then you get your way. If he tells you to take a hike, then you know leaving is a very very good idea.

    Yrs,
    JRW

  5. Sounds like a non-negotiable situation. You’re miserable, and he has said that he will. not. move. You were warned, you tried, it didn’t work out. Time to go.

  6. There is no shame in admitting to ourselves and others that we have made a mistake. You will choose better next time. Lesson learned.

    You say: “When I was dating, I knew my husband would never live anywhere other than his family’s land, and I told him I would try to live there once we were married.”

    The mistake was in not seeing (trying it out) **before** marrying the dude whether living out there was indeed gonna work for you. Because you **already knew** ~he~ would never move (as per your own admission, see above).

    Sometimes also we think, “if he loves me enough”, he will do “this” (fill in the blank) for me. Deep down, most of us do this at one point or another of our life. That is grossly unfair to everyone concerned, and ultimately stupid and irresponsible because a lot of people get hurt needlessly.

    We need to learn to choose mates who *already* are the way we want them to be, and be clear that if the problem areas don’t change, living with them will be just fine (truly so, not just make-believe ‘fine’).

    It’s a hard lesson, and one I personally had to go through umpteen times before I finally “got it”. But I’ve “got it” now. (I think!)

  7. I agree. And also, it sucks that the husband doesn’t stand up for his wife. I mean, seriously, wtf. That’s a pretty serious indication that the wife should move on.

  8. Dear Earth Lady, your hub sounds like he’s being what my daddy would call a Casper Milktoast, which is just as pussy as it sounds. What a recepticle he must be, listening to all that bullshit they must feed him! Blood is thicker than water, but so what? His blood sounds full of venom! My hub did that shit to me once upon a time and I asked him which of us was a better lay, me or yer maw? Then remind him that his clannish hive will do it to anyone he brings home so he should marry his 1st cousin next time. I hope that helps. Tell him I think he sucks.

  9. I am not going to be harsh because I don’t know his point of view. I do know what you wrote. He is a lovable man and you both have choices but it is worse to love him and end up dying on the inside because of denying yourself. Talk to him tell him you love him but you can’t stay there. Tell him you would love to live close enough to visit all the time but that you need to be able to follow your life dreams as well. If he won’t leave the isolated area then you can love him and still be seperate. Just remember you do love him…you said so. But sometimes love isn’t enough.

  10. I don’t think it’s “niceness” for your husband to stand by while his family attacks his wife. He’s worried about how hard it would be on _him_ to move, while you’re losing weight and crying yourself to sleep at night?

    More than the issue about where you live by far, the fact that he seems uninterested in your needs and well-being really concerns me. loving husbands care about their wife’s feelings and well-being just like their own.

    you may want to consider hooking up with a counselor while you try to work out your feelings about it.

    good luck, wife!

  11. “He is not really married to you, is he? He is married to his mother, to his mother’s mother, to his friends and to his motherland.”

    Excellant point and advice!

    I dated a man like this for 7 years. In our mid-to late twenties, and he wouldn’t take the slightest initiative with me. We were both in graduate school, over the summer we both did jobs to keep the boat afloat – he waited tables. I wanted him to live with me over the summer in Vermont – he can wait tables anywhere. But no, he had to live at home with the “Family”. They took precedence and when I realized that this was so – (even for minor issues,so what could I expect for major issues) I said goodbye.

  12. Absolutely perfect assessment of that problem, Elsa.

    My Ex was like this. One of his Big Ideas was that we and his mother and father would all move to the Midwest where the *rest* of his family was and live in adjacent houses or something.

    I kind of observed what happened to his nephew’s wife when she entered into that environment. I heard things about her like : ” She thinks she’s really something because she has a fancy college degree..”

    She was gone in six months.

    My thought when Ex brought up this scenario for us? Oh, no fucking way. I would not have a single ally, I’d drown in enemy DNA.

  13. My heart goes out to you, Beleaguered!
    It sounds as if you thought you could mold yourself to fit in his world, and you’re finding out now that you can’t. I’m so sorry to hear it.
    Sometimes even when two people love each other so much, it’s still not meant to be.
    I wish you the best of luck in getting out of his life and starting your own, maybe find someone who will value you enough to defend you against his bad talking family. Or maybe you’ll find someone whose family loves you.
    Hugs!

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