Hi Elsa,
My boyfriend and I are kind of in a slump.
He’s going through a divorce right now. We’re living together, but he’s pulling away – either due to depression or just mental chaos over his divorce. I’ve become more needy as he’s pulled away.
I know my needs are important but I also know men can be like children in so many ways… and that most of the time, it’s up to the woman to keep things going. I have two questions. What can I tell myself so I can be more supportive of him? And will this slump end?
Girlfriend in a Slump
Dear Girlfriend,
I don’t agree that men are child-like. I also don’t agree that it’s a woman’s job to maintain the relationship. Just for the record! I think these views are personal to you, with your Cancer moon (mothering) conjunct Saturn (responsible / burden) and your packed 7th house (immense desire to be in a relationship).
Most woman wouldn’t take this guy on in the first place… considering that he’s still married! Now I’m sorry, but I don’t think your slump with this guy will ever end. Let’s see. You got in a relationship with him, before he’d ended an existing one. Before he’d suffered any kind of void, where he might have had the chance to examine things and learn something.
Can you see you’re mothering him? You don’t have a partner here, you have a dependent. Anyone carrying this kind of burden is going to be slumped!
As for your first question, “What can I tell yourself so I can be more supportive?” I think it’s the wrong question to be asking. Here are some better questions:
- Why am I supporting a man who is not supporting me?
- Why did I get in a relationship with a married man?
- Why did I move in with a married man?
- Am I depressed? (I think you are)
- Why am I more worried about this man than I am about myself?
Good luck.
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These are timeless questions, for *all* of us, all the time.
Also, why we gravitate to Elsaelsa. 🙂
True, Poppy
I don’t know this lady’s situation but one possible general answer could be ‘Because there was no one else.” Anyone who says hold out for a better situation is assuming it’s in every person’s destiny to find one.
Whoever asked this question should seriously listen to Elsa. I have Saturn in the 7th in Pisces no less, and my biggest complaint about relationships is not getting enough support and doing all the supporting. At a certain age, many men in the dating pool are going to be divorced, so it’s critical to be aware of where they are in the process and if your needs are met. I’ve ignored that part and suffered for it, thinking oh poor him, I’m so strong so I’ll help him and he’ll see how great I am and repay me by turning into a great partner. Once they are being fed and cuddled (receiving) they will not want to change the dynamic to taking care of you (giving)- in fact, they will dig in and be awful if you even TRY to make it more equitable.
Get out and find someone who is at a place in life they can be a fair partner. Good luck.
You are preaching to the choir, Kumquat! I don’t have Saturn in my 7H but I do have “Mrs. Saturn” – Pallas Athene and, 8H Virgo Ceres sextile 6H Cancer Vesta. I masterfully “fixed” my boyfriends’ problems; then, over time, I’d become resentful of them for not reciprocating. No quid pro quo. No more.
If the woman who wrote the letter finds the strength to leave this guy because she knows she deserves better, more power to her. But I think the idea that doing so guarantees finding a better partner is false. Luck plays a huge role.
I hope this lady is lucky.
Oh, right right. I should say I hope a good man is lucky enough to find her
Yeah, Elsa is right- you’re asking the wrong questions and no, men aren’t slackers who need a mommy savior. A real man will take care of your needs- protect you, shelter you, listen to you and never just sit and sulk in his own misery because he feels worthless for having gotten a divorce and dumped his burden on you to fix for him. I can tell you that my husband is not in any way shape or form child-like; he picks up my own slack when I am down and vice versa, I try to do the same for him. One person should not be holding things together all the time.
Great response, Elsa!
Well done, Elsa.
For sure a lot depends on the age of the couple. It’s much easier to just up and leave in your 20s (more scope and choice). Also, a lot depends on how much your partner is practically facilitating your own survival – perhaps Girlfriend in a Slump is actually putting herself first here (i.e. if her life quality is better with him, than without him). Imo, she should stop mothering him – but not leave him.