How Do You Make Amends?

“It’s not up to me to make amends when they made it clear that my presence and voice and existence is offensive. You don’t come back from that.”

That’s an excerpt from a comment, Jennifer, wrote on Are There People Who Are Truly Incompatible?

I intended to write about “making amends” next so it struck me, this was the first comment. My angle is not related to Jennifer’s remark or even the last post, necessarily. “Making amends” is on my mind because my husband told me that he felt that some gal had tried to make amends to me… but it was too late.

I was struck by this as well.  Was he right?

I don’t like the idea of being unforgiving. Should it ever be “too late” to make amends? Off the the top of my head, I don’t think this should be the case.

I thought it over a couple minutes and announced, “I don’t know that she tried to make amends. How does a person make amends without an apology?”

It was a remark I made in the moment. I don’t know if what I said was correct. The woman did approach me. This is in real life, people, so don’t get confused.  She presented herself, after jacking me up for a year; told me my skirt was pretty and as you might imagine, I said thank you and stared at her blankly.

“Is it new?”

“No.”

Not going so well, huh?

She continued to talk to me and I just had no interest. I don’t believe in putting band-aids over gaping wounds and I guess that’s what brought me to think of that song. “…we’d never agree if we talked all night…” Because that was the problem.   The thing we had in common was that we had nothing in common.

Even that is not insurmountable but discussing it will take me off topic. I want to know what “making amends” is in your mind.  Are you easy to get over something or not so much?

And how do you make amends?  And what’s the astrology?

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Comments

How Do You Make Amends? — 21 Comments

  1. Hah, I made a column!

    If she meant to make amends, that lady wasn’t clear. “I’m sorry for jacking you up for a year” should have come out of her mouth for you to recognize that. What she did was “making nice,” which is pretending that everything is okay now and brushing all differences under the rug.

    • It went poorly for her. I can’t say I mind this. I guess there can be a point where you’re more than full up with someone’s… whatever. But if she did come to me with something other than platitudes, I would try to work with it. As it is…

      Well I did tell her that I did not believe she had any hope of ever understanding even the least little thing about me. There is just no use to invest. But I also told her if she could just stop gossiping about me, it would be a great thing and provide me some relief.

      She has quit as far as I know. I may have very well scared the wits out of her.

  2. Know that song by Paul Simon, “50 ways to leave your lover?” starts
    “The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
    The answer is easy if you take it logically
    I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free
    There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.”

    Making amends, for me, is a lifetime experience, and an amends with one person is not the same with another. I’m a child of alcoholism. Over time, I’ve learned with help from other alcoholics and other children/mothers/fathers/spouses of alcoholics to take a deep look at what needs amending.

    With my brother, it took years for me to go back and seek him out. Next to our father, the original alcoholic, my brother was the addiction longest standing for me. The amends I made with him was one I made as much for me as for him. I met face-to-face and not so much apologized as said “Let’s start over…” and we went from there. Before his death, we had some of the sweetest times together and for both of us, that was significant amending.

    With a long-time friend I made amends by writing and saying I took responsibility for cutting her off. I did this again because I knew my currency, what’s most important to me, is loyalty. She wrote and said she appreciated the letter and like my brother we went from there. Almost 11 yrs later we are friends who have new boundaries because of the experience with amends. In this case, we are astrological opposites: she a Taurus and me a Scorpio. We have come to know how to get along because it’s important to us both.

    Other amends for me are not verbal. I just don’t do the same things I have done in relationship to another.

    It’s a great question Elsa. Not easy to answer, but worth the exploration and the expression. Thanks for the opportunity to do both. It’s been a while since I’ve done that searching and fearing moral inventory.

  3. I also think that my “bar” as far as amends go is pretty freakin high. But so are the limits of my tolerance.

    I don’t like to think in terms of “too little, too late”. It’s an ugly sentiment. But I prefer it to taking the little and punishing someone.

    Assuming a sincere apology is made, I’d tend to accept it, no matter when it arrived.

    But AMENDS? In my mind, you not only need to apologize, you’ve got to make an effort to put right what you did wrong.

    It’s sort of like steal $10, give back $100, then go on your way. That’s amends.

    • Is she superficial? Southern superficial people use a ton of platitudes and empty flattery. It’s boring. Sorry, I’m just imagining some made-up southern-bell type. Lol

      Stay away from them. They were raised around gossip and will never stop.

  4. Amendment is also a very religious component in Catholicism especially concerning the Sacrament of Penance. In addition to a person having contrition for their offense, the action of amendment must occur for absolution to be completely efficacious.

    Your money analogy Elsa is absolutely correct. Astrologically, I intuit the Moon and its placement to be very influential in forgiveness and amendment.

    Lastly, and on a personal note, I believe it is never too late for forgiveness. While the ramifications that follow may vary from person to person and culture to culture, that person’s heart is made holy and pure and is beloved.

    Blessings?
    Aries Rising

  5. Ya, a true amends requires that one admits that they did something wrong. And then a humble apology. Then a change in behavior.

    Sounds like this lady tried to sneak in the back door without actually taking accountability for her actions. I think that kind of thing adds insult to injury. First youre going to disrespect me, then youre going to come in arrogantly and pretend like nothing happened. Thats not an amends. She didnt learn any lesson.

  6. I love to read about this subject!! Valuable. I think forgiveness
    is a matter of Venus to, and probably Neptune (let go of ego) as well.
    Maybe such things will happen this summer, with all those planets retrograde?

  7. Yes, you used the word “invest” and I think that’s the key difference.

    Making amends can mean that I can socially interact with this person. But it in no way means I will invest time or energy.

  8. I just straight up apologize! Even if I for ex have talked un-nice things about a person behind the persons back, which I try not to do, (I try to say thing to that persons face)

    I hate holding in things. Even apologies. Do you remember me being unkind on this blog with an unkind unpolite comment to you Elsa? And then I apologized, and you were like “first person ever to apologize on this blog!” haha

    I’m not too diplomatic I’m afraid, but with age I have learned atleast apologize and make amends.

    Virgo asc
    Venus-Jupiter-n.node Aries 8th
    Mars-Moon-Chiron Gemini 10th, Oppo Saturn-uranus

  9. I make amends when I know I was wrong. I do what I need to do to sleep at night. My conscious will not allow me to be an ass for long. Maybe because of my Capricorn Sun and Mercury in the 12th? I’m new at this so I don’t really know.

    Forgiveness… that’s a whole other ballgame. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Third time… f*ck it and walk away.

  10. Your reaction makes me think of Scorpio (and Scorpio “infused”) using imputation. I’m like that, so I can relate.
    Personally, when I make amend I will point out the various ways I feel I’ve failed. This is because me making amends means that I feel I didn’t live up to what I think I should have or who I know I want to be.

    So it’s more often mostly about doing what I know is right (I actually did this recently, because I lashed out at a service provider I’ve had worked with for years who didn’t answer any mail – I just really wanted even a short curt reply explaining there was a change in internal politics -. My “lash out” was mean, cold and super passive aggressive – ah! – so I felt I had to step up and admit to that. My reaction/action was *far* from grown.)

    I also feel it’s necessary to leave the option for the other to not forgive you. I hate being forced to do anything, so I feel it’s crucial that, however much you apologize and make amends, people are allowed to say: “I can’t.” or “It’s not good enough.” or even just: “I don’t have the energy for this/don’t feel like giving this another shot.”

    • “Personally, when I make amend I will point out the various ways I feel I’ve failed” and of course, make it up to the person. Re-earn their trust. Do better. Again and again. If only because I owe the world better.

  11. Doesn’t sounds like making amends so much as attempting to put you at ease so you’re not prepared the next time she tries to jack you up.
    Based upon my experience :/

  12. I don’t think some people know how to make amends. She sounds like she was testing the waters but also trying to make nice so maybe you could get along in the future. Or maybe she realized she made a mistake. Either way she needs to say sorry and acknowledge what she did. It’s so hard for some people. Imagine how many issues would be solved if people would just own up to their mistakes. It would feel like a giant weight lifted off of the planet.

    I feel the same as you do about amends. I’m glad I saw it in words from someone else so I don’t feel like I’m being too hard on people. I have this same problem in my life but it’s with a family member so it kills me.

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