How Do You Leave A Lover After Betrayal?

paul.jpgWhat do you do when you are betrayed in a relationship?
Do you leave right away or debate it?
Do you stay in the relationship, look the other way and ignore it for awhile?
Do you confront?
Do you set the person up for an equivalent betrayal?

With Venus square Neptune and a packed 8th house, I erase myself and the person who betrayed me completely. I amputate.

I do it fast (Mars Mercury). Not only will I look right through you for the rest of my life, I’ll erase our entire history and be about 95% successful in the endeavor. “What was your name again?”

By the time they say, “But, Elsa,” I’m gone…

Somewhere Where The Can’t Find Me =- Simon and Garfunkel

You’ve been betrayed. What do you do now?

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How Do You Leave A Lover After Betrayal? — 29 Comments

  1. It depends on how much I care for the person. I’ve broken up with men for very small infractions, and I’ve stayed with men who have committed major sins. So, yeah, I think w/me, it depends. (But, when I do leave, it’s in a similar fashion…I just *poof* disappear – has something to do w/one of my Nodes, I think.)

  2. It depends on the transgression. If it’s blatant dissdom, I cut it off. If it’s just sort of a result of clueless human foible, I’m done but not surgical in my strike.

    If I know something’s not working, I’m ashamed to say that I scope out the market (I’m ashamed because ideally I would be an unequivocally devoted partner no matter what). I’m a firm believer in exchange theory: What is offered (by the other party) must be equal to or greater than what is gained (by me). If, over time, what I give is substantially greater than what I get, I reassess. A correction is called for. If the correction is not forthcoming, well, life is short, you know?

  3. I’ve had a few different approaches. I’ve been slow on the uptake before.

    With my ex, he told me that he had cheated on every person he’d ever been with, right at the beginning of our relationship. I just told him “Well, I’ll just leave you right away.”

    Thing is, is doesn’t matter how you betray me, I always, and I mean ALWAYS find out. Which is annoying because to be frank I am NOT on a “need to know basis” kind of person.
    I do NOT want to know…but I will.
    So, ex did cheat. I found out after I dumped him though. I didn’t care except I had defended him to other people (there was a rumour going around).
    THAT really pissed me off. More than the betrayal.

    Now…if my SO cheated, I don’t know if I’d find out. And I don’t know what I’d do. It would depend on how secure I was feeling with myself, to be honest.

  4. I guess I’m thinking about this in context of longevity. I think people make mistakes. And I am an extremely impulsive person when it comes to sex.
    I had no feelings at all for my SO when I met him…none. Then one day he put his hand on me (casually, non-sexually at work) and KA-BOOOOOM…Went on a date, giving myself a stern talking to, not to be impulsive, but got in that bed and almost 7 years later I haven’t left.

  5. I am betrayed. not by infidelity (afaik) but by lies, half-truths, lies of omission, and manipulation. if I can’t trust I’m out. but not right away. I don’t want to blow up in anger. I want to amputate with a cool head… and no explanation. I don’t owe one.

  6. I have a packed eighth house, scorpio moon conjunct neptune, all kinds of Pluto. I give my power away and become the supportive one, the sidekick, the quiet one. But then I want to grow in a different direction, the Other refuses to acknowledge the growth, I take this as a statement of emnity/jealousy and I hang up and never call back ever.

    Because they were trying to keep me down, y’see.

  7. I have done this – erase someone completely. I was very betrayed and I don’t think I will or can ever forgive. I find that it takes a ton of effort and energy to look right through someone and believe that there “never is or was a relationship” (esp when that person continues to cross your path almost everyday) But I’d rather invest the energy into this “denial/amputation” than to spend sleepless nights full of pain, anger and hate. Not sure if it’s a good thing or not… but it’s a psychological survival thing I guess?

    (Scorpio rising sq Mars opp Mercury)

  8. The only opposition in my entire chart: Venus in Pisces in the 2nd & Pluto in the 8th. I will cut the person out forever, but I must do it my way, with love. Happened a couple weeks ago with the Virgo I was seeing, the liar/betrayer. He unexpectedly came back into town and wanted to see me. Had him take me for coffee where, in a civilied atmosphere and with no raised voice, I let him know exactly how he had hurt me. Then I listened to his side (what side, since he was the liar, but bear with me here); we kissed, I told him I loved him (not a lie, but one realizes when love is misplaced) and then ciao, bello. His birthday came and I ignored it/him. Now Pluto comes to the rescue and he can go lie to someone else, but it won’t be me ever again. This opposition in my chart is an energy I am endeavoring to understand; the second house desire of being valued but in Pisces the tendency to have issues with that; and the 8th house Pluto/Virgo pull of earthy sexuality that can be the destroyer of my Pisces sensibilities/desire for soul and not just sex. Interesting that my Uranus and Pluto were conjunct his Venus and that he and I met when Uranus was transiting my Venus. Lots of unstable energy there, but oh the fireworks!

  9. Hm.
    I was taken advantage of by my first love because I wanted to stick around and believe in him. Now I amputate more quickly. 90% of the time there’s still a grieving period, though, and I’ll try to remember the positive things that happened.
    I’m good at throwing up the “you can’t affect me” facade in public, though, so it can seem like a total freeze-out.

    Pluto hits everything in my chart somehow, and the handle of my basket is chart-ruler Moon in 8th. *grins*

  10. Venus-Saturn conjunct and a Cappy Moon. When betrayal happens I hang in there at all costs until normalcy returns. More likely than not I’ll eventually betray them and then dump them, if I can’t get past my anger… It’s cruel but effective. Maybe that’s my Scorp rising talking. For me, relationships are all about security. I resist losing that security until I get comfortable about letting it go. Has to be on my terms.

  11. Stephanie I can relate very much to what you’re saying. I also have Cap Moon and feel similarly about the security thing. I have Venus/Saturn trine but my Moon isn’t involved with that (I don’t think?)

  12. Gemini-double cap. I’ve been married twice and both times when i felt like the bad and unfulfilling outweighed the good ju ju, I’ve gotten all my ducks in a row (gone to a lawyer) and removed myself without a word. I was still in love with my 2nd husband but knew he would ultimately cause me great financial ruin without even trying so I cut my legal ties. I’m a very practical girl. (he had cap moon too but everything else was scorpio). I test and retest my foundation before building.

    I have never ever tried to stay in a situation that was uncomfortable b/c I had fear of economic insecurity or couldn’t see where life was gonna take me on the road up ahead. I always just jumped out and figured i’d build a row boat while i treaded water. And life has always supported in this process.

    But the topic is betrayal and this is what has just happened to me with this last relationship that I often posted about here.

    Completely betrayal and misrepresentation. A month ago i wrote that he said ‘we could be under a bridge and i’d always make sure you’d have the bigger piece of toast. Well, he almost knocked me down going for the exit when things started to look shakey for him and i would see his hair messed up I think.

    Started referring to himself as ‘not as advertised’

    He’s also a Cap moon so I think my expectations were higher. I thought that honor and honesty meant the same to us.

    And it takes me back to my cap moon basic insecurities -‘there must be something wrong with me’ “it must be an excuse b/c no one could really be this screwed up. It has to be something about me. I gave him so much more credit than he deserved.

    And i’m not feeling so confident about my ability to swim for the shore right now. I hope that it is a normal response to betrayal to feel completely untethered?

    So my response has been no contact- Just maintain my dignity except for calling to ask for my clothing which he begged me to leave the week before and which he has still never sent. Vacilate between hatred and pity. it’s an ugly neighborhood.

  13. i’ll try to talk to them… make sure i give them their chance to state their persepective. maybe i’ll discuss it, then.
    maybe i’ll move on. it depends on how much they’re willing to admit they messed up… and whether they actually seem liable to change.
    which is pretty rare.
    pretty much, though, i’ll cut things off and move on… usually taking awhile to fix my head first. depending on how much was invested…

  14. I’m going down. That hurts. That carves me right up. I’m just going to go find a dark place and wish/pretend I’m dead for awhile. Why would someone do that to me? how could I have been so wrong about someone? Venus in the 12 square my moon I need to pick that stuff to pieces and feel like a victim for a bit. Somewhere where no one can see/hurt me.

    Then you’re gone. You’re out of my life. I’ll remember you forever, but only because I’m watching out for you creeping back in.

    And if you cross my path again? well I have mars square pluto and if you insist on getting up close I’m going to do my damndest to gut you. Cause you know what you did, and you should know I want nothing to do with you ever again after the way you made me feel (betrayed).

  15. I wasn’t confronted often with this…most of the time, the relationships broke up because the guys wanted to be alone. This was no cover-up or cop out. A pretty large percentage of my exes never married.

    I was having serious Pluto going on at that time–it squared my Sun-Mars conjunction and was in my 7th house for a number of years. I picked them because unconsciously, *I* wanted to be alone and sort out the issues that these transits were digging up.

    Anyway, the one time I caught a guy cheating, I followed him and his supposed ex to a restaurant and confronted him. I never regretted it. The next day, I broke things off, but took him back 2 weeks later. It remained on-and-off for the next 6 or 7 months, when I finally ended it. I have Sun/Mars and Venus/Uranus conjunct, which explains all the explosions, arguments, and the inconsistency.

  16. If the betrayal is too great for me to bear, I cut bait and exit, stage left, immediately. I don’t erase, but I decapitate well and thoroughly and quietly.

  17. Sun/venus/mars trine Pluto transmutes what it can….then they climb on the Neptune sextile and ride out/through the 12th house. They never look back.

  18. I do what Elsa does – amputation! 15 years after a terrible betrayal by a woman I used to call my best friend, I still can’t look her in the face. And for the man? I can look at him but can’t talk to him.

    I have Venus Scorpio in the 4th square Saturn Pisces in the 7th…

    But perhaps the best revenge is living well…They went off and got married, she has become dowdy and he’s gained alot of weight and doesn’t look so great. But, me? I look fantastic!

  19. I have to be able to look myself in the mirror after the breakup, knowing that if i see that man again, I want to be able to look right at him neutrally. But then, I’m a Cancer and this colors my inability to be mean, no matter what.

  20. Elsa, meet your complete opposite. Time is scarce and people and memories are prescious. It takes me a loooong time to decide someone has deserved to be kicked out of my life – and the ideal amount of destruction of traces of that person is zero. Why? Because I always regret destruction later. It made me fight tooth and nail to get back in someone’s good graces, after that person decided to cut ME off. I think it moght be my Cancerian trait.. love for connection, memories and clamping down hard when someone wants to run. But, not everyone deserves that kind of devotion. Some people cross way to many lines way too many times. When I kick them out, they respond with arrogance and reinforce my decision. From that point on, they are not dead to me, but they are out.

  21. I’ve only ever been betrayed in a romantic relationship once. At first I tried to hang on, but once I let go, I erased completely. Pluto/Neptune/Venus. Heavy 8th too.

    • Literally erased…like cut and permanently marked his face out of every picture, even in my highschool yearbook. I also reject him every couple of years and it feels satisfying. I never think of him unless he comes looking for me being pathetic.

  22. Coldly speaking, it depends on what’s in it for me. Even though at the point of betrayal, it’s over, they don’t need to know that yet. I’d play my cards against them accordingly.

  23. Step out the back, Jack.
    Make a new plan, Stan.
    No need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me.
    Hop on the bus, Gus… no need to discuss much!
    Just drop off the key, Lee…. and Set Yourself Free

    Says the Scorpio Moon, Mars in Taurus, Aries Rising, Venus/Pluto conjunction. Buh-bye.
    Then, from a distance, I will obsess and cry but you will never, never know.

  24. I usually give myself time to think, like a few days, at least.

    Then test the relationship for a few weeks.

    Then I decide if it’s time to leave, or not.

  25. Here’s my philosophy, “If you cheat on me once, you’ll do it again!” Once would be bad enough. Not only is it a matter of trust, but it also shows me that you really did not love me.

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