Does Being Narrow-Minded Ruin Relationships?

makingadobesA gal asked me to refresh this post in regards to suffering due a “mistake of the intellect”. Here you go…

My husband and I met when we were teenagers.  We talk ten times a day. It’s fair to say we know each other very well.  But people are so complex.

Projection, imagination and your own preconceived notions about another person are very powerful.  I’m consistently surprised by things my husband thinks apply to me and I’ll give you an example.

We’re moving to a rural area. He seems to think he’s an expert on this and I am a city girl?  How bizarre. Like he doesn’t think I know anything about not having people pick the trash up.

I listen to this, as I recall growing up the desert, burning trash in a dozen fifty-gallon drums, until there was no choice but to heave their stinky, ashy, gunky contents into the back of a truck and head to the dump. Does that sound like a city girl to you?

I grew up in a mud house and we had to build that thing. With our bare hands! Like in the picture.  Those aren’t city girls!

Man standing on his head on top a mountainSo here’s what I see…

The relationship between my husband and I continues to deepen over time. When he’s told he’s got his Elsa-story wrong, and provided proof, he has to re-think things. In this process, we become closer. It’s educational!

Now compare this to a person who has to be right, who thinks they are always right. When you cross or challenge their ideas about you, they basically go ape-shit.  They may be disillusioned when you fail to match the picture in the head. Often times they’re mad as hell.

In whatever case, they just don’t have the ability to re-shuffle the deck of cards in the head, and really get to know another person who is *not them*. This dooms a person’s relationships and makes them a bit crazy, I would think.

I have no idea why my husband routinely blocks my background from his reality. I guess we were separated all those years. A person fills in the blanks of a story in their own way. It’s hard to undo “mistakes of the intellect” of this type, but richly rewarding.

What qualities really belong to the person you tag them with? It seems you could spend 100 years separating yourself from “the other”…and you’ll need an open mind.

The second picture is of my grandfather standing on top his head, on top a mountain with his head in the dirt.  We’re city people all right – NOT.

Henry (pictured), an authentically interesting person, was a Double Capricorn with a large stellium in Sagittarius. Get the real (Saturn) story (Jupiter), not your narrow-minded perception, based on your limited view of life!

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Does Being Narrow-Minded Ruin Relationships? — 30 Comments

  1. I was just talking to someone about this yesterday. We were talking about this man that we both knew. I knew him as a teenager and a young twentysomething, she knew him as a young adult. (until he was probably 35) We both had different opinions about this person. Both were negative but for different reasons. Then it occurred to me that he is 60 years old and neither of us really know him at all.

    I finally said, I really shouldn’t give my opinion of a person that I knew for a short time when he was very young. While I didn’t like him when he was 20, he has aged 40 years since and is a completely different person. I cant fill in the blanks. He could have given his life to do charity work for all I know. We all evolve.

    She looked at me stumped. To me it was clear we both had the wrong idea about him and shouldn’t be discussing him at all. To her he will always be the jackass that she knew and she was sure with no evidence he has never changed.

    She decided to fill in a 25 year gap and assume he was still hideous. I told her I didn’t think it was fair to judge a 60 year old man when all I knew about him was what he was like when he was very young.

    I tried to explain my side. I said teenagers can be the most horrible people. Parents have known this forever. But if we judged our grown children for the rest of their lives on how they acted when they were 16-17 no one would be talking to their kids ever again 🙂

    Anyway, it was all lost on her. I couldn’t change her mind and decided I didn’t have the energy to continue to try….

    People do fill in the blanks anyway they want.

    • What a great response and story. Yes, this is what I’m talking about.

      Little minds living in little worlds in which they are the total authority.

    • Completely agree. Young people with little life experience can turn into such different people. I always keep an open mind.

    • The whole concept of gossip sucks in my mind. What happened to common sense and kindness?

      If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all! If you can say something nice, do it!

    • This reminds me of my uncle’s now ex who spoke about her ex husband. She’s barely spoken to the man for 10 years and she talks like she’s still in a relationship with him and fills in the blanks on who he is over a 10 year period. When I pointed out that it’s been so long he may have changed and grown she didn’t want to accept that come hell or high water. He’s still the same she would chime.

      I think for some people that the snapshot of the person is comforting for them to tell their story.

  2. I think this is another example. People decided they knew exactly what happened to this elderly woman when in fact they had zero idea of what the real story was. All over the world people talked about this and had an opinion about it. They were certain. They knew! When in fact very few people knew anything about it and this elderly woman was made out to be a beast and a horrible person.

    The fact is ….she is NOTHING of the sort. She was really injured and just wanted her medical bills paid, as they should have been. Talk about casting a shadow on someone. Watch this video.

    http://youtu.be/pCkL9UlmCOE

    I used to be like any girl when I was younger. I would follow along and listen to the gossip. It was meaty and juicy and ….well, everyone knows …its common, and more common than it should be. We all want to be a part of the social network around us.

    People don’t like me as much today not that I give a rats you know what. (I have been told to use my Libra NN) 🙂 I am not buying into it and I haven’t for a very long time which makes me no fun at all. I will say things like ~ if you were not there its best not to repeat that. You have no idea the damage you’ll do when tarnishing that person and their life. They may never recover from it. I know there are many ideas out there about me, most couldn’t be farther from the truth. This used to hurt me. Today I just giggle and say think what you want. I couldn’t change your mind anyway.

    I have the typical Scorpio rep. Lots of lovers, buried every single one of them. The reality is, I had no clear guide for what a good relationship was, so I got into bad ones, some where I was left bankrupt, and even hospitalized. But no one knows that part. Even so, I kept trying to find a good and decent man to live my life with and in the process kissed a lot of toads.

    My legacy? She is a maneater. She looked good on the outside but she will suck the ever loving life out of a man and leave him dead on the front stairs. The truth? I had to stand up for my children who I had to feed and raise alone.

    This no longer bothers me. What can I do? It used to make me cry. I wondered if the box of financial mishaps and visits to the emergency room I still have in my attic would clear my name before I die. The paper trail is still in the box, but I have little interest in passing around the details of my last concussion to the world. So, many think I am a destroyer of men. People decided they will have this perception of me. I have scars from old injuries that prove otherwise.

  3. I agree with everything you say, soup. But I am not necessarily talking about bad mouthing.

    I am talking about people who want to know certain kinds of people and if they see anything that does not fit their model, they have some blown out reaction, rather than trying to work on their own perception of things.

    A person like this can’t have a deep relationship, because they are not actually interacting with the other human being – wanting to know and understand them better.

    Everyone seems to want to relate to others deeply. I am trying to explain what is stopping a good many of the people who can’t find this in their life, or achieve it.

  4. I LOVE this topic Elsa! You have a gift my friend!

    Here is an example of how closed minded people completely ruined the career of three women. By the time it circled the globe people were threatening to kill Natalie. They repeated what they thought she said when she didn’t say anything of the sort. She opposed the war. She made a remark and she will always be identified with and they all somehow knew her.

    Video ~~~~ http://youtu.be/pojL_35QlSI

    Today many people hate George Bush. I don’t have an opinion about that. But see how it went from one direction to the other. We all mourn 911. That is a fact. But Natalie had nothing to do with it. And, she was as sick over it as the rest of us. But for eternity she will be treated as though she was the person that caused it by simple minded people that will never have an open mind to anything.

    This type of behavior not only dooms a relationship but can ruin another person for the rest of their life. It’s as unfair a thing as I have ever witnessed.

    I often wonder if a person with a lot of Scorpio planets wrote the song she eventually came back with. It’s my theme song. hahahaha… You don’t hear much from her anymore even though she has a beautiful voice and a lot of talent.

    Maybe the public will never accept her again. Or, maybe she just wont accept them. At any rate we are plagued with an over abundance of closed minded people. They are everywhere and that is not likely to change.

    • It’s okay. I enjoy your comments. And the do relate. But my focus is on a person’s inability to know another person – any other person – because of their narrow mind.

      Here’s a simple way to see it…you have to be able to consider the possibility that you could be wrong. And a lot of people are not very good at this. My husband is not very good at this.

      To some extent, we missed being married when we were younger, due to his arrogant know-it-all-ness. He’s got Jupiter in sadge, he pontificates.

      But he was 19. And he believes certain things were true of “all Americans”. I was an American and they weren’t true about me. It was very confusing. We talk about this all the time,

      Last night he asked me what came to mind when I heard the name _________. It’s just a person’s name.

      I told him what that particular name conjured up for me (a fat, overindulgent king) and he was flabbergasted. Apparently, I am supposed to think in Spanish or Latin. Well, why would I do that?

      It’s just hard for him to understand that I’m not him, basically. And imagine the growth when the lid gets pried off. Which doesn’t happen very often with him, believe me. But when it does…

      It’s really hard (Aries) for him to see other people aren’t like him. I tell him…nearly daily, the things he thinks and knows about, the average person has never been exposed to in their life.

      He can’t quite assimilate that. But with his wife he tries.

      I just see people dump partners / potential partners, friends, associates or whatever or the tiniest challenge to their paradigm. And if you do that, developing a relationship with any depth is going to be impossible.

      I’ve written for fifteen years now…one thing people have always admired or envied about me is the quality of my interaction with other people. I am trying to provide a key here.

      People don’t see things the way you do, or feel the same things you do, and if you have this need that they do or will, your disappointment in them and in fact, in all of life, is pretty much guaranteed.

      Things *and PEOPLE* are often so much better / more interesting than other people want to acknowledge. It’s all on the surface and frankly, it’s a joke.

      No one wants to be alone when they’re sick or on their deathbed…where presumably they would not be at their best. But they want perfection from those around them – do the math! 🙂

  5. I love this: “Lots of lovers, buried them all”!! (double libra, mars venus conj, progressed double scorp young adult years!!

  6. What a great read! All of it! Elsa and Soup, love your comments. You are such enriching people.

    Yes, my Mum would always say the same: if you can’t say anything nice about a person, say nothing! I’ve tried to make it part of my life and outlook.

  7. OK… Here’s my take:

    I dated and briefly had a relationship with a guy (not even a wet week of this relationship) and he had notions about me that were not true and the times when I corrected him he got more defensive. He thinks I’m a woman who doesn’t wish to be treated well, who doesn’t want to call him, who can’t admit she is wrong, who does everything he thinks I’m doing but not what I’m actually doing. Exhausting… He was threatened by differences but also threatened by not knowing it all because he apparently knew it all. But then poroceeded to say that he doesn’t know me at all.

    What the what now?!

    He would have known me if he would kept his assumptions, attacking and negative associations to himself. Who I am flew right over his head because I didn’t fit his picture. Instead of looking at actions and words and clarifying he just made it up because he thinks him and I are the same person. Example, I told him I would rather spend Christmas alone than with family (did it before and I loved it but I didn’t get the chance to say that) for him to turn around and call me ‘crazy’ because to him Christmas is about family and I should believe the same and I’m a loner for thinking differently. Sadly I don’t think the same and I quite like my company.

    I have Saturn in Sadge so I attempt to get the real story of a person and I attempt to check my assumptions at the door. Doesn’t always work but hey I’m here to learn.

    • You’re describing a narrow-minded person. He’s got his preconceived notions about everything, and I like how you characterized this as “exhausting”. It is exhausting.
      And if you pay attention, it’s obvious he does not want to know you or even find out who you are in the least. It’s all about validating his own view on things, mixed with some judging.

      I’ve had so many people dog me about being……..when I am not…..

      Like the tell me I don’t know anything about abuse for example, or rape? Or about anything even remotely difficult.

      It is exhausting. Suck your own dick, elsewhere!

      • Very preconceived notions and everyone is suppose to accept his word as gospel. As though he is anointed and so worldly.

        I agree he doesn’t want to know me at all… He even wanted to change me. I don’t like women who smoke… So go and be with a woman who doesn’t smoke then. You swear too much… So fuck off then. Judging indeed. Sometimes I wondered if I was shit at explaining or if people are shit at listening.

        No body knows what anyone knows without having the basic courtesy to ask questions. Sometimes I wonder why don’t people ask. Wanting to be a know it all isn’t all its cracked up to be. Eventually people will tell you nothing.

        Lmfao… Yeap suck your own dick elsewhere.

        • There is another thing to consider – parents might want to teach their kids how not to be this way. Because this man, Empress is describing is never, is ever going to be happy. What (who) could possibly make him happy over time? It’s impossible. He’s doomed as are the women who waste their time on him

          He’s doomed up until and unless he takes a mighty fall and becomes freakishly humbled in comparison to his current state.

          It is the parents, usually the mother since they days we mostly raise the kids alone, who teaches these kids they’re special, when they’re really not special at all.

          This guy will be special the day he learns to treat a woman with respect.

          • Yes… Everyone is doomed. He’s doomed 38 and still single and not making any correlation between his behaviour, divorce and singlehood. As a woman I’m doomed because my self esteem will take a massive hit. Dated a few men like that.

            Mother’s and in his case his grandmother. Plus all the women who fall over themselves which help to no end either.

            Agreed, that’s when he’ll be special… When he learns respect and at his age that’ll be difficult.

            • It’s very bad. I agree with what you say. But my feeling is that stating this plainly will help. It’s like exposing the Hydra to the light and air. Until this happens, you cut off one head and it grows too more.

              You understand this well enough, you can probably escape the trap if you try, Empress. Don’t give up hope. There is always hope.

    • Sounds like a Saturn in Sadge guy I dated briefly. He would school me on his philosophy about sex, then I shared my personal convictions about it, he’d blow them off with “you have your values, I have my values”, and proceed to push me further and further into compromising my moral boundaries. Who knows? Maybe I was the narrow-minded one. :/

  8. It is the parents, usually the mother since they days we mostly raise the kids alone, who teaches these kids they’re special, when they’re really not special at all.

    AMEN!!!!!!!!!!

  9. I just saw this movie, ‘This is where I leave you’. And I heard the line, “It would be a terrible mistake to go through life thinking that people are the sum total of what you see.” And now this post, Synchronicity. ‘Expand your mind’. There’s so much I don’t know. I only know what I know. And sometimes that even changes.

  10. I think people with pluto in Libra definitely have this problem of fitting people into molds or projecting expectations in order to feel like they are relating to another person on a soul level, until transformed at least. I have done this all my life…its super unconscious, so hard to change. I wouldnt say pluto in libra gets angry persay, although some people do, but if another person with the qualities we need, (which have been projected) fails to live up, we tend to control…or even more miserably,become controlled. I read an article somewhere on the internet about this projection and the need to be needed with pluto in libra and its true for me at least. (Pluto in libra opp. Venus.) I get deeply upset when someone wont change for me but i tend to want to keep “compromising” as if they ever will. My ideals for a perfect partner are beyond humanly possible. So in true neptunian fashion, im turning to God to love.

  11. I really can’t blame people for doing this 100%. Sometimes we just need people to fit a certain picture. It’s a weird way to cope. If it goes to far, you’re basically just their projection. It’s a weird thing to be someone’s computer projection screen!

    I prefer someone change once they know something about me. They don’t have to do it in one sitting, or even one day, but please do it overtime?

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