High Low Art…Hiding Your Finest Parts

I have a great fear of the ladies in my Woman’s Club finding my book.  This is because there is massive swearing in it…sex, and various other potentially disturbing things. Basically, I don’t want to let anyone down. I don’t want people disappointed in me. I figure they relate to my hologram and I would like to not disturb this.

It seems I should not publish something I am ashamed of, but I am not ashamed of my book. I believe it to be high art. I know it is high art. The problem is my high art is low and I will elaborate.

The other day, I was telling a friend about a vibe I’ve been getting off my husband this last week.  It’s quite interesting and she’s got the depth and insight to appreciate such things, so I share them with her. The high lights of what’s going on in my life, this is. The most interesting things I know.

So I was telling her about my husband’s recent moods and in the process, I told her he has only been in one physical altercation on the road. In fact, he’s been in just one physical altercation in the last fifteen years or so.

I told her the story, which is hilarious. Later I mentioned this to my husband.

“You’ve only been in that one fight.”

“Yeah, but I come close a few times. I was gonna kill that guy in Tucson.”

“What guy?”

He reminded me of the time he got out of this truck with a hammer in one hand and his “trucker’s friend” in the other (pictured). “I was going to rip his skull in two,” he said. I laughed.

“You realize you sound like a guy in a Steven King movie don’t you?” I said, with a snort. “Can’t you just picture it? Some menacing gladiator son of a bitch, terrorizing a truck stop with a weapon in each hand.  It’s hilarious. What ever happened with that?” I asked. “I’ve forgotten.”

“I got out my truck, stood there in front of his, with the only weapons I had, one in each hand.  Told him to move his fuckin’ truck or I would move it for him, and I meant it.”

“He moved his truck?”

“Yeah. So I got back in mine.”

Sometimes people denounce and denigrate me, stating I am married to a murderous bastard. I don’t say anything, because I am married to a murderous bastard. This does not mean he does not have more character and more compassion than anyone I have ever met in my life….or you have ever met in your life.

Maybe you see my point. You can learn a lot about men and life, if you are exposed to someone like my husband.  My book is pretty illuminating too, but I will never forget the gal who told me I should remove all the swear words in it. She specifically said she knew people who would pick up the books with tongs, to dispose of it in the trash, because of my  language.

I don’t think she is wrong about that. It’s just there is nothing I can do about the fact that my high art is low. If I try to elevate it, it not longer be art at all.  Any my husband also is what is what is.

I like what my friend, Ben said about this years ago.  He said that it was a big world, and surely there was room in it for someone like him. Someone like him, someone like me and someone like you.

I really hope those ladies don’t find my book.  I would hate to offend them. But I also feel sad that the best of what I am must be concealed to avoid persecution and the like.

Do you have to conceal huge chunks of your life, your love, yourself?  What’s it like for you?

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High Low Art…Hiding Your Finest Parts — 65 Comments

  1. Eh….I’m just used to it. I conceal less than I used to, but I had to learn early on to hide my offensive personality 😛 The relatives and the kids at school did not like it!

  2. Yeah, I have a compartmentalized life in some ways. I’m pretty sure one group would probably not like the other. I have an aquarius moon so I like “unusual” people. Not everybody does, I’ve found.

  3. Everything really good that I know, has an edge on it.

    I constantly look for ways to blunt and blur that edge, but mostly I’ve just got to hide the knife.

  4. And my Venus in Gemini is always fighting my Sun/Saturn square – So not all my friends know the same person, if that makes sense. Most people get the abbreviated version for a long time. When I meet someone from my clan, though, it’s connection at first sight. Very few people make that group, but they get the whole package – and I get theirs. Most of the people who get the abbreviated version couldn’t handle the whole thing – kinda like your book. It’s a level of intimacy that shouldn’t be breached.

  5. Yes, most of my life & self is out of view/hidden. Maybe my hiding isn’t necessary, but I just can’t stand being the ‘hideous one or failure’ anymore. I’m me, I’m ok as me and I hurt no one as me; as a matter of fact I am extremely giving as me. So what if I like/pursue the things I like/pursue?. I’m hurting no one and actually bettering myself in the process.

    Most of my life is hidden or out of view of the public, but most importantly out of view of my family (extended, like my parents & sibs, my in-laws, etc). This is something I’ve struggled the most with, hidding from my family, in my adult life. I am finally to a point where I am working to move to a place where I’d be more accepted or at least out of view and free to be me. It’s either sacrifice myself for my family, or move away and be free to be me. It sometimes feels like a selfish choice, but I just can’t be what they want and am tired of ‘failing’ in their eyes.

    I don’t so much struggle with the being hidden part. As I’m a 12th house sun with loads of pluto aspects. So I value my privacy anyway. But it would still be nice to get to be around others that think more along the same lines,

  6. I do. I don’t like it but I do…Sun/5th square Saturn/8th…in Leo no less. I want to be out but fears hold me back. I’m better off having Pluto/ASC transit. And now Pluto/Moon transit. I’m being shoved. I think I need it, too.

  7. I just wish people were more open-minded.

    As my husband would say, “Wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one fills up fastest…”

    ha ha ha

  8. LOL!

    I do, too. God, do I ever.

    I never know if I am the one holding myself back, though. It’s like my cousin…she was in the closet until she was almost 30 because she was convinced her family would turn on her. When she finally expressed her fears out loud, I told her I just couldn’t see it happening. I was right. Her family has been amazingly supportive (makes me tear up just thinking about it).

    But–I relate to her, I relate to her fear. If you have someone who promises to back you up if you fail, that’s going to make the hard landing, well, not so hard.

  9. I used to have to conceal my religious fervor, Mars and Pluto in the 9th house. But now it comes out in different ways and some of my friends know me that way so its probably annoying to them but they deal with it. So I would say they shouldn’t judge you just cause you have some curse words in a book. Its realistic. Everyone uses curse words these days. If your in a book club that’s religious that’s one thing but I mean tell them is based on realism or whatever and maybe they’d understand , if they find out. Also, about your husband. Even men who were esteemed in religious texts murdered or were tempermental and basically human so I don’t see why you shouldn’t be married to someone with such a disposition. As long as it doesn’t affect you in a negative way you seem to handle your own. I don’t want to get into my parents dynamics but my dad is sort of a bit worse but if not for his job he’d be worser if there’s even a word for that. And I have compassion on him because of his childhood and my friend has to go through some thing identical to this as well as her other friend, and well we’re all just human. I think with everyone in your life one must keep their guard up. I absolutely don’t trust a soul. I love people but I can’t trust them or rely on them too much if you know what I mean. My mother is most trustworthy in that sense but I can’t put absolute trust in her or as every human would, she’d take advantage of me. Its just something I learned from observation and scripture. But, when I meet the right person for a partnership things may change. It hasn’t happened yet.

  10. I am not capable of doing that. I’d probably have more acquaintances and such if I did, but I just don’t have the capacity for it.

    1H Sun and 12H chart ruler on my Asc.

  11. I don’t know what the women would think of my book and I am not sure I want to know.

    I have been exposed to a lot of unsavory things. My natural response to that is “Fuck!”

    If I remove my natural response to whatever, then can be no nothing.

    See, I think it would be great if people realized their natural response has nothing to do with anybody but themselves.

    A person who wants to learn and expand might be curious why a person has the natural response they do.

    I mean otherwise, just reject anyone and everyone who does not mirror your image back at you.

  12. Yes, but also some of my life (me) is unseen anyway. My chart is ruled by Saturn and I have Neptune in Libra in the 2nd semisextile my 12th house Sun. And then there is my Mercury square Mars which means many people do not like what I have to say, nor how I say it.
    I think I understand your feelings about the club members’ possible reaction. I had a close friendship with a much older woman (until her recent death) and certain topics and language were simply not part of it. Luckily I suspect your husband ‘sees’ more of who you ‘really’ are and you have friends and readers too around whom you need not dissemble.
    I wish you success with your book and I know that your ‘lowbrow’ perspective has not deterred your loyal followers on this blog and is, in fact, part of why you are loved and admired for what you do here. A life well and truly lived comprises heaven and hell: the art is understanding, accepting and integrating that reality.

    • The other day I was talking to denamaria. She said in real life (on the phone), I am very soft…kind and such. Easy. I sound different on the blog.

      Now add that to dimples and Libra clothing, and you get the picture here. I am an imposter in a way, but I am also real, because I would never go into a room of strangers with elegant manners and start swearing, because it would be bad manners.

      You will find in this book, that I am never bad-mannered. But I swear like a motherfucker.

  13. There are some people that want things to be “pleasantly wrapped” and when they encounter someone that shows qualities that aren’t as “nice” as they would like then they disregard that person. What many do not get is there is much substance in things that are not always pleasantly wrapped, but those that only want to skim the surface may not ever be able to see the gold in the “horrid” because they can’t get pass feeling repulsed.

    I do conceal myself, but I think it has a lot to do with perception. People see me the way they want to see me (Neptune first house). They see quiet and lighthearted. Then they get to know me and they are repulsed. They are put off by who and what I am. Thus, I have what I like to call a public and private self. My private self is the real me and those that are okay with me are people that have no problem with who I am. I can be myself. The public self is the quiet person that is somewhat outta reach because I am inherently aware that most people may be put off when they get to really know me.

    Elsa, I am looking forward to your book. 🙂 There are those of us that appreciate you being you and your sharing of your substance in the way that you do. I see it like this…maybe your book and the substance within it is meant for those that can see diamonds in the rough. Maybe your book is for people that can embrace substance even when it is not painted with pastel colors. Kinda like your blog. It’s meant for those that get it. Those that don’t get it…well it’s not for them.

    Everyone has something to give, but many people miss out on what others have to give because they don’t like the delivery or the package that the message comes in.

  14. Yes…I’m living compromised, my own fault. You are extremely inspirational Elsa….so exited about your book, I think it would show them more of who you are , expand their horizons if you chose to show it to them, you have already shown yourself committed , interested and willing to work on their legacy , how can they be offended by swear words and sex ect

  15. Well I guess if it were a book I wrote it would be filled with very colorful language as well as I speak colorfully as a rule. I would put a disclaimer in the preface. Something along the lines of Be for warned that the use of foul and/or colorful language is used through out this book.

    Besides you might be very surprised at the review your ladies would give your book Elsa. Yes some would most likely be appalled but I would bet that there are at least a few that find your book to be informative and entertaining. It just depends on how much you wish them to know you.

  16. Well, I am sorry about the language. I have Libra and prefer to be polite.
    When I used the language, it was no impolitely.

    What is weird here, is I really believe that I am a world class storyteller with world class stories.

    But there is swearing in them and I have a hot, hot mind and this is just a reality.

  17. “A person who wants to learn and expand might be curious why a person has the natural response they do.

    I mean otherwise, just reject anyone and everyone who does not mirror your image back at you.”

    Is that why my posts have been deleted, and why my password is blocked? You are an incredible braggart with lowbrow tastes and limited writing ability. Referring to your own book as high art is ridiculous. As someone who actually works in the literary and publishing industry, I’ve often heard, the smaller the talent, the bigger the braggart. A world-class storyteller with world class stories? Really?

    I realize I’m not the only person who’s been suddenly banned from your ridiculous self-serving blog–but your hypocrisy makes me ill.

    Go ahead and delete this post or continue to block me. I’ve written a piece about you and plan to post it on another astrology blog.

  18. Yeah, I don’t think it’s offensive. It’s surprising to someone who knows me in real life. I know this for sure, because I’ve given stories to people to read before – like people I know from the gym, and they’re really shocked. I just don’t *look* like I think the things I think, or like I have had the experiences I’ve had.

  19. I relate to this pretty deeply. So deeply I hardly know what to say. No body knows who I am, and I do the best I can to show them without hurting anyone. :/

    I love you <3 (all that I know of you: your hologram) and I love your blog. I am very happy you wrote a book and I intend to read it. I have no doubt I will enjoy it tremendously. Thank you.

  20. Thank you for having the courage to put yourself out there, Elsa. I’ve learned a lot from you and your writing, the core of it being that only I can be the person who frees myself from my own fears.

  21. Don’t censor yourself because of what someone might think. You only end up hiding the real you from all the others who appreciate you and what you have to say.

    I very much enjoyed reading your book, Little Mike, and I look forward to reading the next one as well.

  22. You know what would be a hoot… if you had two versions of your book. The real one and the made safe for weenies one. Like when they run snakes on a plane on tv and Sam Jackson says “I’m sick and tired of the monkey fightin’ snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!”

  23. People have braces on their brains about it, but swearing is such healthy release–I use it a lot with EFT clients. Publish the book under a nom de plume and breathe easy. I’ll never forget a day in the office years ago when I said “Oh this fucking fax machine” and turned to find a client standing there at the reception desk. No red face, liberating for both of us it was!

    • Thanks, Maria. I am publishing it under my maiden name, which I no longer have. The ladies in my club are unlikely to stumble on it because of this. I will leave this city in 3 years.

      I thought about publishing under a pen name, but I can’t see it. This is my life. I lived it and I will own it. Plus, what would I call myself? An American name? A wannabe Italian name?

      I decided this stuff a number of years ago. It’s just now it is going to happen – it is really going to happen and it’s quite powerful. Reality is hitting, basically.

  24. Wrecking ball Pluto is in respectable Capricorn, Uranus will shoot all of us out of the Aries cannon and as for dear old Saturn in Scorpio…we’ll! 50 shades of grey! We’ll never be the same. Liberation is at hand, guys. Yay!

  25. I don’t reveal everything about myself. There are some people who know my weaker points because they’ve seen me in more difficult times, but these days, I mainly highlight the notion that “I have my act together”, or “I worked on this”.

    With that said, I think I understand what you’re feeling. Writing a book is tricky because individual responses can be so different, and sometimes I even think the response depends on the era and a person’s soul vibration. I once posted a thread about the limited amount of control a person has over his or her message. If Rachel Carson and Upton Sinclair struggled to say what they wanted to say, if religious books get lost in translation, especially over long periods of time…
    I once wanted to write a book, but I lost interest in the subject matter at the end of Pluto in Sagittarius, and the book was a mess. I have written fanfiction though, as well as reviews and poetry.

    I have noticed that your writing has a more intense edge compared to your discussions on youtube, but I think your stories are interesting because I realize how intense other people’s lives can be, and there are cautionary tales worth heeding.

    Your bad language doesn’t bother me though. Celebrity chef/travel show host Anthony Bourdain uses a lot of coarse language, and he still manages to be a millionaire. His books were a huge success because he showed the gritty side of the restaurant world. ^^

    • It’s a really, really, really, personal book. It’s intimate. It’s okay too. I want people to read it.

      I had a convo with my husband about this today. I have a really weird reason for wanting to do this. Other than the reason, I was asked to and offered support to do it and felt I should at the time. Y’all realize this was a long time ago, right? We finished this in 2005. But I started writing stories in 2001 and making them into a book around 2003, I think.

      Anyway, it was really hard. Editing was hard…one of the harder things I have ever done in my life.

      I have a lot of problems with my writing. I have like, dyslexia DELUXE. It’s a horrible problem, I will never completely overcome. I am sure you see it here all the time, but it used to be much worse. At the peak of this, it once took me about an hour to untangle a 3 sentence paragraph. I swear to you, it’s like that guy who had to paint with his toes. The pain is indescribable.

      So while the “belief:” (9th) that the universe wanted me to so this is very strong motivation (Mars Mercury 9th), it was something else that gave me the fortitude and I’ll tell you what it is.

      A lot of people think people like me would be better off dead. That this is would be the best thing that could happen to someone like me.

      I want them to rethink that.

      And I don’t know that anyone in the world will read my book and have conscious thoughts along these lines. However, I do think the impact will occur.

  26. I want to add something to my previous message: if Anthony Bourdain managed to succeed with a combination of humor, coarseness and wit, you can manage to win some acclaim with your book too.

    It is true that with the women’s club and Saturn in the 10th house, your public image does count, and it can be tricky when people find out other parts about yourself.

  27. I think its an american thing to be so puritanical over bad language. Seriously in other countries they probably don’t give a rats ass. The french come to mind. Maybe I’m wrong. However context is important. You can’t just start cursing in front of the president or public officials its just wrong. And even when praying in my opinion thought I’ve done it. But, when it comes to a book I don’t see why not? Others have before. If films can show people cursing why can’t books? Who cares what others think. Thank goodness I’ve come to a point where I can blur the lines in my head over societies standards (status quo) because I feel more free. I used to pretend who I was around people and that made me popular. Now that I’m a deep thinker/musician on the march to her own beat, I either get disliked or liked. I even make frenemies but I keep em’ close. No facebook for me. I want good energy my way 😉 And seriously Elsa if I didn’t have the attention span of a six year old I would read your book. I am being honest I hardly read books, I study music but that’s about it 🙂 (I sort of have an illiterate and limited world view because of it)

  28. I try to accept people for who they are I will not judge a person by their looks. I personally think that is rude or at the very least improper. Who am I to make a judgement on any one I don’t live in their skin nor do I live their life so how can I judge them. I don’t see what they see cause I can not see through their eyes. Now when I read a story or a book or anything that gives insight to who that person is and what they feel or think that is different but it is still not my place to judge them.

  29. @Victoria

    French is my second language, and oh my goodness, the way coarse language is used in French movies is so funny. It doesn’t come across as trashy, it comes across as hilarious to me. The movie “The Visitors” definitely comes to mind.

  30. I relate to you 100% on this topic, Elsa, and you know why 🙂 I am so happy about your book, and even happier that you are happy about the content. Can’t wait to read it!

    • Re: Kitchen Confidential, that book came out right as we finished mine. HQ thought we were similar writers. Hard-on writers. He noted the similarity.

  31. @Elsa

    All right, well, I’m glad to hear that you and HQ discussed Anthony Bourdain, because I agree that you and Bourdain describe life with a similar approach. Now you’ll realize you’re not quite alone.

    Concerning dyslexia, that is a tough challenge to deal with when having the urge to write. I’m impressed that you write the way you do despite having dyslexia. I remember you mentioning that you had arthritis in your hands, which made typing on a computer difficult, now this…
    Honestly, I’m truly impressed by the way you plod through even with obstacles. That’s definitely the Saturnian approach.

  32. @ Elsa
    You are terrific!
    Swearing and all colour.
    You’d be welcomed here in New Zealand with open arms. Your honesty, insight and humanity are absolutely-blooming-terrific!

    Good luck with your book launch.
    I truly hope you put a link on here so it’s easy to find and buy.

  33. I don’t have classic Dyslexia. I have this weird habit of putting the second part of the sentence first, is one problem. I write like this all the time, still, and have to cut the end of the sentence and paste it in front. I have learned to compensate like this…but things still leak through.

    Then I do the same thing with entire sentences. I wind up with three sentences, two of them have the front at the end and the end at the back, and the first sentence should be last and the last in the middle or whatever.

    Every paragraph of my book was like that when I started editing. Can you imagine? 600 fuckin’ pages.

    Can you imagine the day I found out I had this problem because I sure as hell didn’t know. I was just telling funny stories.

    Anyway, once I was made aware of the problem, I had to fix it and…and pain in the head and tears, and tears and tears and pain.

    I mean, it took me forever to even be able to see there was a problem and the problem was like an ink spot on a white tablecloth. Once I could see it, I had to realize if could not be left that way. Then I had to figure out how to untangle it and it cause my head to throb.

    How can a person be this stupid, see? I had to marvel at that and then I had to crack the code and bay-bee? It wasn’t easy!

    And so why go through this? I never wanted to be an author. I never had that ambition. And now I will be one, and I just realized I still don’t have that ambition. But we worked too fucking hard for this to sit on my hard drive, ya think? So I will put it out there. Just on the chance, on faith there is a reason we put all this effort forth.

    Also, just for the record – it was HQ who said I was a world class storyteller with world class stories. He’s read 3 books week all his life.

    I do agree with him though. 😉

    I know a lot of people who have great stories, but lack ability to tell them. I know great storytellers who have no story of there own. I have both these things and if it pisses you off, oh well!

    The point is, I need this book off my hard drive. I have other plans!

  34. I am dyslexic also I had a 3rd grade reading level at 16 dropped out of HS taught myself to fucking read to college level thank you and joined the military

  35. 12th house sun, my life is compartmentalized to the max. I would say the only people who really know me are close friends and family.

    Everyone else gets the persona. The more I work with the public, the more my persona develops…it’s weird.

    As far as swearing goes, there’s a whole lot of difference between reading a book with swearing and standing in a line at a store with someone publicly swearing.

    One is rude, the other is not. One you invite by opening the page, the other you are hostage to by circumstance.

  36. Elsa, I haven’t read you book, so I can not judge it. But to me this is clear: Swear words in themselves could never disqualify a book. Otherwise writers like Ferdinand de Celine and William Burroughs would never have had anything published. After publishing his world famous book about soldiers in WW1 (“Journey to the end of the night”) Celine actually published a separate wordbook for translating the swear words in his first book 🙂

  37. I don’t know what “topic comment structure” is @ Nota, but what I described is what it was / is,

    I think its heredity to an extent. My son has a pretty severe problem as well, different by similar.

    I call it my cajun, “Three or two mile down the road…”

    Buy I did not know what he was talking about at first. He had me read a paragraph several times. “You don’t see anything wrong with that?”
    “Read it again…”

    This is why he asked me if I was an “idiot savant”.

    It’s also one of the reasons my husband chooses “Helen Keller” for the movie that best represents my life.

    There are a lot of things in this book that I didn’t put there. They’re just there. That’s why it will be interesting and terrifying when people read it.
    I am just not my hologram. I know no other way to say it.

    • Also, I thought this was from being kicked in the head 100 + times. I just assumed that. But now I see, Vid has a weird problem which was eye-opening.
      HQ and the Mechanic are twins. The Mechanic believes this is DNA, stating the twins understand DNA a lot better than non-twins. I am sure he’s right about that.

      Anyway, I still do this. I don’t know it I do it as much as I used to but say, when I write the newsletter. I will have to cut and paste back of a sentence to the front, maybe 3-4 times…this is in 4-5 paragraphs. I will also have to rearrange the sentences in um…80% of the paragraphs so they aren’t jacked.

      I don’t catch all the mistakes, but I try and this is no longer painful. It was trying to get my mind to see there was a problem that was hard, and then to untangle it…like matted hair. And it’s a long book! I had to examine each paragraph for errors and I would not necessarily see one. Then HQ would be on the phone, coaching me, trying to get me to see something blatantly obvious to him. It was possible to spend several hours on a page or two. Then I would think I would be done and say so. He would get back on the phone and tell me there was a problem in the 3rd paragraph…I’d want to burst into tears. No one wants to be this stupid! So then I had to find the problem which would be excruciating and frustrating.

      This was my Saturn T through my 6th house by the way. Fix your mind indeed! We really suffered (HQ and I).

      Now oddly, a person could still read my stories and they liked them. There were complaints about my writing all the time, as there still are, but people liked the stories, laughed and wanted more stories, which is another reason this was so difficult to grasp.

      If my writing is so shitty…why are you approaching me to write a book? How come all these people are gathered around to hear them? This was a big mystery to me. One I still can’t answer today. But he was right, that’s for sure. Apparently you had to work to understand and clearly, that’s won’t do when you’re publishing a book.

      Also, this was a dozen years ago, before people blogged professionally. I was just writing.

      As another analogy, I watched that show about the dancer in Vietnam, I think it was. He was just dancing like a son of a bitch in his poverty. Some rich woman saw him, brought him to NY and had him classically trained as a ballet dancer. His talent / proper body-type was obvious to her, where he’s never seen ballet. This is that kind of story.

      I don’t have classical training of course. But it’s a story about finding something in the raw, that you feel others should share in, so you help it come into being. That’s how this book happened.

      I don’t know how that guy could dance, anymore than I know how I can tell these stories. But that guy never did fit in NY, even when he became a huge star. It was not his ambition., She’s buying him all these clothes and he’s sort of confused by them. I understand that.

      Anyway, HQ, is a brilliant man. And he took great care to fix what was blatantly wrong but retain my natural writing voice. It was crazy-hard for both of us. Just obscenely hard.

      So now I am trying to get, Vid onto his problem when he’s young. But they don’t assign him hardly any writing so it’s frustrating. He wrote a piece 2 months ago (4 paragraphs) and just got it back yesterday. His grade was not very good and the teacher gave no explanation why. I went over that with him, helping him id problems and untangle. It’s very frustrating.

      He also has a natural writing voice (that is hard to understand). I don’t know why we’re like this.

      Anyway, writing is hard for me. I really think now, I’ll just do this one book. Last night, denamaria mentioned, Harper Lee. She wrote her one book and that was it.

      I do have tons more stories…endless stories, but the reward, any reward is probably the not worth what I go through behind the scenes.

      The only thing that would motivate me is the same thing they motivated me this time. I felt in my heart it was what I was supposed to do. Like God wants this book written, and if that’s the case, I will do it. But short of that, no. I am pretty certain about this at this point. I just want to do something else.

  38. ps – this is why (historically) I have bitched about writing the newsletter. I had a horrible time with it for the first year or so. It’s a lot easier now. It’s still challenging, but not daunting like it was.

    This is Mars Mercury too, I guess. Forged by fire. I have had to fuck with my mind, all my life.

    This is in my book, somewhere. Everything is in that book somewhere, which is why I don’t think there has to be another one.

  39. “Hiding your finest parts” = exactly what I’m trying hard to understand and fix right now. Why do I do it? Why have I done it in the past? It is now glaringly obvious how much it has held me back, and its time I move on. NOW. Unless I do, it will paralyze me and all growth…

    I can chalk my “hiding” up to unresolved self-esteem issues, and as for the astrology:
    Venus/mars in Leo in the 8th, Cap rising (Pluto just finished hitting it directly), and stellium of outer planets in the 12th in Sagittarius.

    As for you Elsa–thank you for all that you write and reveal on this blog. It has helped me immensely. I wish you all the best success with your book! Let ‘er rip 🙂

  40. Of course. I used to much better at conforming, but I can’t hide my Sun-Mercury-Mars-Uranus anymore. I do hide out of politeness, as much as I can, anyway.

    I’ve come to realize that people are who they are, but they are also welcome to associate with who they want. I try to be tolerant, but I can only take so much, so I think that’s what other people feel when they need to tell me go away or leave because they can’t stand who I am or what they feel when they experience me. Hell, if I carry all of what I’ve been through, I understand why no one can stand it at times, neither could I!

    Being persecuted, but living your life anyway, is a what life is about!

  41. “Hiding your finest parts”- I have a friend who says, “No good deed goes unpunished”- I think this is why I hide my finest parts. Too many experiences of things being misunderstood or going boom when I’ve got the best intentions. Even still, I think I want to try focusing on working on my Leo North Node more.

    Another friend said I should relocate to feel more at home & suggested Tibet. I had to point out that they are oppressed. But she sees things about me others don’t- she once looked at someone like they had three heads when they suggested I was quiet. Thing is- I am quiet. Mostly with strangers. But I love her for that 🙂

    I do get people asking, “Do you ever swear?” Elsa, I don’t want to edit the swearing out of my writing either. & I have just started writing erotica!

  42. . It’s just there is nothing I can do about the fact that my high art is low.

    This is a very thought provoking statement.

    I think graffiti and comedy are high low art and writing respectively. I also think high art should stop running from craft. But something about this statement confuses me. Storytelling is probably high low art because it has folk roots. But.. both novels and acting used to be considered very low

  43. Neptune on MC and lately have been thinking about it a lot. It is damn difficult to even define it. But people, even family members think they know all there is to know about me and they think I am weak and spacey. In public, I am very spacey and I swear at times I feel that I am just going to float away into space. And with the Neptune transits now, I do feel like I need a life line just to be in public. Confusion and vagueness are constant. It’s very frustrating and I’ve been researching the subject, but just reading about Neptune/MC is like trying to interpret Chinese writing. Thinking about becoming reclusive just to escape these awful feelings.

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