My husband has been lying to me A LOT. I’ve just realized that he’s a compulsive liar and I really don’t know what to do. We’ve been married for three years and I first caught him lying a couple of years ago – about smoking cigarettes – and then a few other times here and there (about lending people money, where he was, etc.)
Then last week I found cigarettes, weed AND A BAG OF COCAINE in his jacket (which I was looking in to find my health card which he had been carrying … it’s a Canadian thing) Anyway, the cocaine wasn’t his, which I actually believe because he has an UNCANNY KNACK for finding things on the ground and it DID look like it had been run over by a car. But the cigarettes and weed are really not okay with me, and way less okay is THE LYING!
So once I busted him, he confessed everything which was very good for both of us, but I really don’t know where to go from here. My parents and ex-boyfriend have left me with very little tolerance for people with addictions and my own morals give me pretty much ZERO tolerance for lies. I am worried that if I trust him again too soon he won’t understand that his behavior is unacceptable to me; on the other hand sleeping in separate beds for this long can’t be good for us I want to trust him again but I don’t know how. I really, really really don’t know what to do!
Married To A Liar
I understand you don’t want to be married to a liar and an addict, however you are. And I understand you want to trust your husband, however, you can’t. And though I understand why you don’t want to sleep with him, this strategy will be completely ineffectual in changing his behavior.
Your chart shows a person who is very optimistic… someone who wants to “believe”. And obviously this is what is getting you in trouble. Because, take that cocaine. People who don’t use cocaine don’t pick up bags of the stuff from the gutter and put in their pocket and take it home! Think about it. There is a half-used pack of cigarettes on the sidewalk and I don’t smoke. What are the chances I am going to pick them up and bring them into my house?? There is no chance at all. I am going to think they look like disgusting trash.
So fact is, you are married to a person who is just like your parents and your ex-boyfriend. Sorry! And since you have had exposure and experience with this kind of thing, perhaps you know how infrequently people like this clean up their act. And you know it’s something only they can solve and the best thing you can do for them is get out of their way. Let them hit bottom, that is.
Now if you don’t know this, you should educate yourself, the sooner the better. Because obviously hooking up with impaired people is your pattern and your pathology. So that’s what I would do. Head for the nearest Al-Anon meeting (the principles are effective for all addictions) or to a therapist’s office and start to work on yourself. Because all the work you do on him will be for naught.