Guerrilla Tactics: Competing For Love

couple in loveStephanie wrote:

“Yeah, just went on a date with a guy Sunday who made me dinner at his house, talked all about how he doesn’t want to be single at midlife, wants to partner and have someone live with him in his big lonely house up in the hills. Super duper wooing mode. Then he calls me last night and announces that he’s actually been in an open relationship for two years and wants to see me too! WTF?!

Saturn please get off my moon! F—!”

I read something like that and I have a visceral reaction. I hear stories like this all the time these days and it gets my Mars in Libra up. I immediately think that Stephanie, and women like her,  need some tactics!

When you are up against this kind of thing, and legions of smart, good-looking women just like you,  who all want to partner; at some point you have to stop and think about how you’re going to achieve your goal.  If you’re running into a man like this or his equivalent, over and over…well I have that Mars that hunts love! I’d be pulling back to figure out exactly how I was going to pull out a win in this situation!

Now if you don’t want a man or if you only want a man under certain conditions, then fine. I’m talking about women who know they want a man and know they are damned scarce and really don’t want to lose the fight. It’s no different than wanting a decent job, which many of these women have. Did you not have to compete to get your job? You probably did.

I just want to blurt all kinds of orders at, Stephanie (and others like her) but I’m sure I’m projecting.  If you ask me to what degree I am projecting, well I have no idea!

Am I more aggressive than most women?
Probably!

But I see them subjugate themselves all the time in order to get or try to keep a man, so why not do something less demeaning and more effective?

What do you think of this?  I think if I kept baiting my hook and coming up with jerk after jerk after jerk, I might pull back and rethink my strategy.

This is not personal to, Stephanie, who I happen to know thinks tactically. It’s just her post that fired me up.

Leaving me out of it, what do you women who want to partner and know you want to partner think of the scene out there, hmm?  Do you have a plan around how you’re going to deal with it? Wondering this!

I wrote this post in 2011; nothing has changed. Have you changed?

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Guerrilla Tactics: Competing For Love — 42 Comments

  1. I don’t like it, and I don’t have a plan. I finally have some focus, and am feeling more grounded, so I’m putting that energy where it’s needed. Ever since I’ve been more focused in that area, I’ve felt more and more disgusted and disheartened.

    I don’t understand anyone wooing her like that, and then dumping that on her. Was he hoping to have a harem up there? That’s part of what’s disgusted me so much: players are rampant on the internet, and these guys are teaching other guys about how to deal with multiple women, how to deal with the drama most likely to come from ‘handling’ them, and using books like The Power of Now, to help them in their quest.

  2. Well, thank god I didn’t f him. And of course I told him that no, I didn’t want to join his harem.
    His response: “So are we still going out on Thurs?”
    ??!!

    • I hate these kind of self- enamoured guys… Poor you. I have Mars in 7th on DSC in Leo square Uranus, so I am aggressive when it comes to keeep my integrity and freedom. I could kill. I am sure you deserve better and you can meet someone with healthy attachemnt style.
      I send you lots of hugs.

  3. Thing is, I’m thinking about doing it. Not doing him, but just seeing him Thurs. Feels like some kind of victory if I can just cock block him and watch him squirm. How sad is it that that would be give me an ego boost?

    • Sounds like Neptune 🙁 you can’t have people like this in your life..

      I don’t know your chart but what about checking the locational astrology map and taking a trip somewhere the scene is less terrible? Just to see who you can bump into.

      Idk where your moon is but I guess the moon Saturn transit would be about mothering yourself. Or how badly you’re getting hit with this transit.

      Sorry you’re going through it anyway.

  4. I’m currently seeing someone, but when I was trying to find someone, oh gosh, it was horrible. A vast majority of the men out there are not honorable, and are just trying to get away with the most while putting in the least effort. What’s worse, is that there’s a huge blame the victim mentality out there, like, “If you got played, then it’s your fault for not knowing that he was playing you.”

    My tactic was that I didn’t give them anything: time, attention, and certainly no goodies, until they gave me something I was looking for. It was hard, and I was without mans for a very, very long time. But then I found my current guy who gives every morsel that he takes. He’s very honorable, and walks the walk. I greatly admire him, and I honestly think that if I was allowing anyone else to play with me when I met him, then he wouldn’t be around.

  5. Aw well I said my general strategy is to avoid making assumptions about what people want and what they are trying to do.

    My more specific strategy for getting the one I want- leaving him alone and not worrying about him- is my biggest problem because I can’t do it.

  6. Lexie said “If you got played, then it’s your fault for not knowing that he was playing you.”

    I’m sick to death of hearing that one too =(

    I’m sorry guys, I HAVE NO IDEA what the freakin plan is supposed to be. We’ve got better odds at winning the damn lottery.

  7. I also have no idea. I guess it is to always feel as if I am valuable and that if this one doesn’t work out, another will. I have a 5th house stellium, so this is great for lots of love affairs…and the strategy that someone else will come along works for now, as I’m still relatively young (under 30). But I am getting to the point where I would like to find a husband – not because I want a wedding, but because I want to be a wife. I want a devoted relationship. Luckily, I see lots of men my age starting to bloom. It’s like there is this short window of opportunity when they have decided they are going to find “wifey”. They have usually been in their new, permanent job, for over a year, have had a string of relationships they are ready to put behind them and make the next one really work, and also usually some stable living place. They are ready to begin the work of finding a multi-year relationship that will lead to marriage (the ultimate multi-year relationship). My strategy is to make it clear that I am also done wasting time, that I am looking for this too, be quite up front about it, and accept nothing less. My aim is to be open to men being at this stage, and find them, but not necessarily say it out loud to them, that I know what they are looking for.

    From then on out, my the most difficult part of my strategy is 1. not sleeping with them too quickly (since I do enjoy sex quite a bit – oh 5th house stellium), 2. not to think about them too much, 3. not to give them too much attention, but to also let them know I’m interested in building things slowly, going forward.

    My strategy (aim?) is to become better with seeing the unfolding of a relationship in hindsight, and not get caught up in the jitters of decision making at the beginning of a relationship – foolish things can happen when we don’t take that kind of perspective.

  8. Stephanie, I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to see him squirm a bit after that.

    ““If you got played, then it’s your fault for not knowing that he was playing you.”

    I’m sick of that, too.

  9. Stephanie – he’s not worth the effort. Just think you could spend the night with a man who isn’t right for you or put your effort into finding a man who is.

    I’m with someone now but I got pretty ruthless near the end. I knew EXACTLY what I wanted and was unwilling to settle for anything less. I just kept moving on and moving on. I got very good at saying “good luck at finding what you want” etc to all the guys that weren’t right for me.

    Takes perseverance for some of us. No worries, keep your eye on the prize. Keep your eye on the prize, don’t waste your time on the ones who aren’t right. Get efficient…

  10. Yeah, I hear you, mahchi. Thinking about canceling on him at the last minute bc really, what’s the point? And I have a lot of work to do.
    Believe me, I’m trying to get efficient. I already shed my bf of almost a year last month in a quest to be efficient about this. That’s what makes this guy’s BS so unbelievable! It does make me wonder what the universe is trying to tell me here. I try to move on from someone who was only capable of a limited relationship, and find someone who is a walking cliche of limited relationships. Like Elsa said, baiting the hook and coming up with bad catches repeatedly… And I’m allergic to players. I’m looking for nice men — dorky, intellectual types — and they’re still bad. Guess I just have to be ruthless with the dorks.

  11. I’ve been wondering about the couple Elsa was writing about. where they went on a date, another woman tried to horn in on the man, and he moved to sit on the other side of his date.

  12. Well, I didn’t go out with that guy tonight. I took mahchi’s advice and talked to a dorky scientist guy I met online instead. Much better for my self-esteem. Plus he can actually hold a conversation. That’s a high bar for those types! Maybe there is hope in the universe…

  13. Be proud of yourself Stephanie!!
    I too would have been SORELY tempted, but in the end, what’s the point, eh??
    Good Luck & I hope a new light starts to flicker for you sooner rather than later =)

  14. I was seeing a guy with a “harem” for a short time. It worked for me at that point, since I kinda had my own too and was enjoying it. Now I’m seeing a very one-woman sort (Libra!) and I’m happy with that as well. I guess it’s all just about what *you* want and when. I didn’t feel victimized by dating a player but once I realized that there was potential to have greater feelings, I knew I had to cut bait. Know thyself, right? Oh and guess who has been acting ego hurt now that I’m exclusively dating??

  15. Well, this guy is still after me, especially since I cancelled on him and sent him an email flaming him for his hypocrisy. Wants to see me so I can tell him how he should change! Honestly, I know there are people who genuinely have interest in polyamory, but this guy just seems into f’d up head games.
    Eh, unsuitable in any case.

  16. It doesn’t surprise me that he’s still chasing you. I don’t know why, when you tell them “no”, it’s a like waving a red flag at a bull, but when they say “no” that’s the final answer, and you’re needy and pathetic should you openly wonder why. whenever I’ve made my way to move on, then they’re suddenly wanting my attention again.

    I’ve just seen an article from Rori Raye in my email, called, “What to do when he’s backing away.” It made me smirk, the images in my head: like Pepe le Pew running away from the cat, once she’s been hit by something, and suddenly wants him.

  17. well, what worked for me, pretty recently:

    find a man who meets certain criteria.
    figure out why he isn’t partnered. (in this case it turned out to be lack of trust in women, mostly)
    i can address that: convince him he could trust me. (show, don’t tell.)

    after some other failed attempts where the lack of partnering on their part had to do with issues i was by no means even going to try to address for them. that was part of the criteria for bothering… _can this guy partner? with _me? _without the need for me to make sacrifices to my integrity and self respect?

  18. Just following up on “polyamory” man story:
    Saw him today for a casual hike, bc I said I would be his friend but not do him. He was all chatty and happy and made no move on me. Gave me his jacket bc it started raining. Told me how I need to dress for future hikes in bad weather, since I’m a novice. Made me tea afterwards. At the end, gave me a big hug and made a plan for another hike.
    Overall, he treated me with a lot of respect and seems happy I called him on his bs. Got no sense of animosity from him at all.
    ??

  19. ?? ?
    Go for it if you want to be some guy’s piece of ass on the side. I mean, he’s made it clear he’s not offering more than that and on the other, it seems common courtesy to me, you treat a woman you sleep with (or want to sleep with) nicely.

    I guess he is seducing you into his harem which is fine…unless you want your own man.

  20. Actually marveling at the politeness. But you’re right — it’s probably just his player M.O.
    Nah, not joining the harem. Just enjoying the company until someone better comes along. Is that bad? Never would cancel a date for him, but if I got nothing else on the schedule…
    Keeping it in the daytime and the great outdoors, and keeping my legs shut.

  21. Honestly I see stuff like this and think it’s a great argument for marrying your high school sweetheart. People used to marry young all the time and I think it would be smart (in some ways) to go back to that. Couple that with the recent post on not being selfish and maybe things could turn around. Does anyone really like dating? I did NOT! Especially when I was hitting 28-30.

  22. I would block the guy on all commmunication modes, let alone give him a sliver of attention.
    If this situation happened to me, I would thank them nicely, go cry with my girlfriends and move on.
    Strategy to find a man you can build a life with – stop looking for one and concentrate on you! Sounds cliched, but after a string of horrible dating experiences, none of which lasted more than a few weeks, i just went cold turkey. 3 months later, met my future husband, but didn’t start dating him until 4 months later AFTER I got to know him a lot more in other social situations with friends. When he started flirting with me, called him out and straight up asked his intentions. Acting honorably towards myself and treating my love and attention as a precious commodity meant to be given to those who deserve it, helped others give me the same respect.

  23. I would be, “are you not ashamed of yourself asking women to pair up with you in an open relationship?” LolxD and I know I will be kicked out and blocked from communication. Because the tirade of bitching will be heard on his ears and he’ll hate me. lol then I will continue to say, how about we get some men too with us, instead of women, how do you like that? (maybe he might like that as well) lol. but yeah hopefully everything went okay ^^ there are plenty of men like this out there. And they know women of all types exist too. so maybe they are trying out to see who is the one into the open stuff.

  24. I have changed! In the comments I wrote in 2011, “my general strategy is to avoid making assumptions about what people want and what they are trying to do. My more specific strategy for getting the one I want- leaving him alone and not worrying about him- is my biggest problem because I can’t do it. I mean I can’t do it alone”

    While that is a somewhat cryptic comment, and I feel awkward reading it… I am certain that this post led me to release myself from an obsession with a guy who was stringing me along for over 5 years. I remember distinctly that he and I exchanged words on 11/11/11. After that, I became an aggressive online dater! I moved forward by being 100% more upfront with people about what I wanted out of a relationship. I also learned to let things go when they weren’t working for me. I did end up going through a lot of boyfriends over the next 4-5 years, but eventually I found my husband and I had the awareness to recognize that he was special. Now happy married for over a year! Thanks again, Elsa.

  25. The post may be old, but the epidemic still exists. The guy initially lied and gave her a story she wanted to hear. When he told her the half-truth, she lied to herself and said she would be his friend and essentially “hang out.” Is that bad? she asks… Elsa’s right, as usual. “Not unless you want your own man.”

    I don’t know what the astrology is – but I’ve never understood wasting your time or energy on someone you know doesn’t give a fuck about YOU or what YOU want. Why should he? YOU don’t.

  26. My reaction to this man would be, thanks for your interest, but I need more depth than I would get from this scenario. Also, I’d probably laugh upon hearing the offer. If the man wants to learn something, I’d mention (without judgment and very casually) how his tactic is contradictory. What he was saying he wanted and what he later offered were different ends of a spectrum, and would lead me to believe he is really damn confused about what he wants. If you don’t want to be single and middle aged in your big o’house, then you don’t have open relationships that are really another form of “non-committal” single life. You can’t have the cow for free! My milk has value. And, regarding depth, which of his open girlfriends would be there when he’s not fun to be around because he lost a job or got ill? I just don’t swim in that shallow of a pool, sorry! I have Venus conjunct Pluto and Saturn in Scorpio in the 8th house. I just don’t see intimacy as a communal experience, even though I also have a Pisces rising, lol. I also have Mars in Libra in the 7th.
    People don’t change for other people. They change for themselves, which honestly is the right way for this to work so as to be authentic. You start resenting someone who you are changing for. So, this isn’t a fight worth fighting if the offer he has made is not her bag of tea. I’d say “I want everything you talked about when we spend time together, and it would sound nice with you. However, what you are saying now is a different song and tune. And, it doesn’t really suite me. I suppose if you wanted to try something different by being in a non-open relationship, I’d consider trying with you.” But, the Scorpio in me would wonder if I could trust someone who feel good banging more than one person at a time.

  27. And, he might be contradictory as a manipulation tool to get her to “think he can change” and want a real relationship. But, accusing him of this is really a waste of time. I’d just be straight and upfront as possible, because I don’t play bullshit games. AND, the game doesn’t really exist if the other person refuses to play and just calls you out. Calling someone out without judgment (my detached Aquarius moon I suppose) is really effective. Its not really that fun when people can see through you! lol

  28. You deceive me like that on the first date, I turn and walk away. End of story. I have too much self-love and self-respect to waste time with liars, whether they lie by commission, omission or distortion.

    I am a senior and single and don’t expect (or desire) that to change.

  29. i read this thing on dating. it said, to do three ‘duty dates” a week. the reasoning for this is, that with 3 lined up, it wont matter if one cancels, you dont feel bad. it doesnt affect your ego and make you Down. the reason they are called duty dates is because you dont have to actually like them. what you are doing on the duty dates, is getting dating practice. learning learning learning. i reckon it would be worth a try. so even stephs scientist is ok as a duty date. and look shes scratched the surface and found he is interesting.

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