Going Long Periods Without Friends

friendsfishvirgo88 asked if it were normal to go through long periods without having any friends. It’s a thought-provoking question. I don’t know if it’s “normal”, but I think it’s pretty common.

I’ve gone through medium-long times without friends before. I don’t like it, but I’ve felt it’s been necessary to withdraw at various times in my life for various reasons.

Usually it’s because I feel I’m on the wrong path. Having a Venus Neptune aspect in my charge, I’m easily influenced. I can lose myself, basically. I wake up one day and realize I am doing things I don’t really want to do.  For example, do I really want to be friends with the cat burglar? Probably not.

I’m also the kind of person people put into service. I readily go to work and if I’m not careful, I’ll wind up over-extending myself.

Maintaining relationships takes energy.  Sometimes a person needs their energy to get themselves together or to affect a change in their life. Having a packed 8th house, I’m pretty much required to go through some all alchemical process on a routine basis. This is best done in the dark.

The Libra side / 7th house side of me doesn’t like this one bit. I envy people who spend their lives, surrounded by friends.  But some people can’t handle that and I’m probably one of them.

Some people don’t realize how they drain other people. Other people do realize, which is another reason to retreat.

I feel this way now. (See Pluto transit 12th tag)  I can’t keep up with people on the surface, in the light. I am too heavy to tow. I  don’t want to hold them back, so I let go.

Have you ever gone through a long period without any friends? Was it by choice? Did you feel lonely…or did you feel relieved?



Going Long Periods Without Friends — 36 Comments

  1. “Sometimes a person needs their energy to get themselves together or to affect a change in their life. Having a packed 8th house, I’m pretty much required to go through some all alchemical process on a routine basis. This is best done in the dark.”

    This says it all for me, Elsa. I’ve got natal Moon, Nth Node and Mars in 8th. I’m currently in one of those withdrawal periods (Progressed Moon in 12th at the moments, so no coincidence). In my case caused by a period of illness/disability for several years. I haven’t had my former energy to put into the maintenance of friendships and several friends didn’t want to do their part – I think people find others’ ill health hard to cope with. And much of the time I was so unwell I simply needed to be on my own. Hopefully this period is now drawing to a close and I look forward to new people coming in.

    It’s been very lonely and I’ve felt very envious of others at times but I’ve learned how self-sufficient I am and can be and so I feel that I can afford to be more discriminating in inviting new people into my life as friends in the future. I can survive these periods if I need to. I feel stronger.

  2. Relieved. Life is like weaving a rug – once in awhile you have to step back, take a look to determine if you like how it’s turning out.

    (get to pend little time here and there on EE, but yesterday all chores set aside and spent much time here – Elsa, this is a great site – very humbling and in my old age have learned a lot about life.)

  3. This is a fairly common thing with me. I retreat from people a lot, too. Mostly because they drain me, but also because I know I can be draining as well. I’ve been told I’m “difficult” because I go so deep. Sometimes I feel you need scuba gear to swim with me, while I’m good just as I am.

    I’m happy to retreat when I need it. But, yes, sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I cry & cry & wish I had someone to talk to, someone who might understand. But, those are few & far between. And I hate to be a burden on anyone. So, I mostly swim alone 😉

    Even though I am happy to help where & when I can, I get drained so easily. Those closest to me understand (at least I hope they do)…everyone else probably just thinks I’m cold or unfriendly. I’m not responsible for what others think of me, though. I’ve got Neptune on the midheaven, so there’s really no way to control it. In the end, I’m like Dory, “just keep swimming!”

    • “I’m happy to retreat when I need it. But, yes, sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I cry & cry & wish I had someone to talk to, someone who might understand. But, those are few & far between. And I hate to be a burden on anyone. So, I mostly swim alone” Lilly, this statement describes me to a “T” I said to my daughter yesterday, “Welp, I’m down to 2 friends, and they are hanging by a thread!” Sometimes I must be alone, I can’t explain it, but it happens! None of my friends have ever had the same interest as me, and my closet friends have been in my life for over 50 years! Is it normal? Hmm, it’s normal for me! A male friend of mine told me last year that he understood me, he said “You’re an artist, I understand you on all of your levels of strangeness!” Last weekend I craved people, when my daughters suggested that I reconnect with some of my friends, I frowned and said we all dance to the same music, but I dance to a different beat, I love my dance, I love being me! I am an artist, fortunately for us art comes in all forms,allows us to do our own dances to the same music!

      • I have something of an artistic bent as well, so I understand, Iris. At least we know that while we may feel alone, we are not truly alone. Obviously, there are many of us who feel this way! 🙂

    • Lilly, you could almost have written that for me. But with the sole difference that I have a partner who goes deep, can swim there with me, and also has lots of earth for my to dry out on. Without him, I felt like a fish out of water, permanently.

      With most chums, I am aware that I am a drain for them; I represent the undertow. Beware the undertow.

      I’m able to bring life and energy to people, as well as make deep connections in the q at the supermarket. I know that about me – however, I am not a sun bunny. I can’t stay in the sun all the time, I dry out! Social gatherings fill me with dread, for example.

      And I am finding more and more, particularly this last year, that people drain me. I am noticing that, if I let them, they suck my energy out, my life-force – and I know I have to retreat. I recharge alone, and then I have something to give others. And vice-versa; how weird is that?

      This is why I am wondering about my career so much, because I have been working in the field of personal development and I wonder if I am spent. Though, I suspect it’s in my wiring; can’t imagine not doing it. So perhaps it’s a wee break, at least for now.

      Pluto has just started to oppose my Cancer Sun in the 11th, with Uranus also squaring Sun. I thought I’d already gone through the wipeout of people – perhaps there’s more to come. Or another, better way of me connecting, that I don’t know of yet

      So glad you brought up the subject fishvirgin, and Elsa for picking it up.

      • I can relate to being the undertow, as well. Hang in there, Kate!

        And yes, many thanks to fishvirgo88 for the question, & Elsa for the post.

    • Just had a thought…this is totally my goofy sense of humour, which is probably why I have so few friends! 😉 Anyway, this post made me think:

      “Loners of the world UNITE! Or not…totally up to you…”

      Well, *I thought it was funny 🙂

  4. I’m doing this now and have been since libra Saturn time. I needed to balance myself as well as the cross from my 12th house into the first at that time, I think that cycle of friends, friends and more friends is over.

    I do get lonely and I don’t have much to do, like the normal over powering existence of friends and I like it. I have a lot of de gunking to do, in the scorpio sense and friends are just a distraction with endless problems or as I learnt with Saturn in libra a hindrance to growth cause growth is scary and people are comfortable but i’m not.

    I’m relieved… I can do as I wish without guilt the need to please or be a drain on anyone else.

  5. Going through this right now, no friends. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good friend/s. Saturn chasing the moon right now in my twelfth house. I have a husband and two little children, right now they are my witnesses that I exist 🙂 (think of the movie The Net). I do see this time as valuable for the evolution that is going on in me. I’m digging up all my deep dark stuff and am totally excited to take the next step…hurry up Saturn!!(who hurries Saturn? Lol). I hope at the end of this is a new me, a me that is a good wife, mother, and friend. A friend I can share this true new self with would be a nice reward for the years of thorough self examination. March 1, 1983 at 12:20am in Bristol, PA if anyone was curious.

  6. There was a time I wanted to be alone. It was my choice to retreat from maintaining human relationships. I was in some heavy pain (emotionally) and people were too much for me and I was too much for people with my emotional agony. Being an energy vampire is not the best role you can take on yourself. So I let go.

  7. I lost my neighbor and best friend two years ago. I’m pretty much a loner already so it has been hard without someone outside the family to talk to. I’ve tried to foster friendships since to no avail. I don’t want 500 FB friends, just one or two real ones. I actually unfriended about 20 FB profiles that I didn’t want to nurture anymore. Always felt like I was giving more than I was getting.

  8. I have friends that are so dear to me, they are like the sisters and brothers I never had (I have one brother, but he’s icy) — however we’ve all moved around a lot due to our professions and so sometimes we are physically alone: I can talk with any of them, but we can’t meet for dinner. That’s lonely in a way. I can’t pop in, see their new baby; they can’t come over to ask me to shoe shop with them. I hate that. At the same time, we’re all creatives and we all do need our space too.

    I will sometimes “go under” if I am working my brains out and and exhausted, or if I am ill (2012, I disappeared largely except for a couple of friends who knew what was up). I enjoy people around me but as someone mentioned, I’m the girl people like to have help them and I can sometimes get drainnnnnned, my friends, drainnnned by the dramatic needs of family, and to a lesser extent by friends. When I am working a 70 hour week and two friends need to talk thru problems until 3 a.m. and then my family has a disaster….eventually I run and hide. For me, after a few years of being burnt out by this, I decided to live a bit far from family (worst offenders — rather lazy cheap takers, sadly). It’s helped. Because I am a five-star-general Virgo! and I can live anywhere thanks to Sag. This morning I am in the US but chatted with friends in London, Rome and Munich about some issues they are having. I’ve had a few solid nights’ rest after a busy work trip so i was up and ready to hear and help. THEY had gone silent for a few weeks so I knew something was up, extended a “if you need to talk….” and so, we talked.

    THIS resonates: “Some people don’t realize how they drain other people. Other people do realize, which is another reason to retreat.” — I have a few people in my life who are great, but sort of latch on and go succubus on me (and others) and I have to retreat after a bit!

  9. Saturn in Sag made me to stay alone.. I think the same time is coming. I have 3 planets in Libra. Jupiter, Mercury and Uranus feels upset. But no choice.

    Elsa, I can’t comment at the Forum 🙁 , may I have the access please 🙂

  10. “I envy people who spend their lives, surrounded by friends. But some people can’t handle that and I’m probably one of them.”

    This resonates with me, Elsa. Sun and Mercury in Scorpio in the 12th, natal Saturn in the 11th, transiting Saturn in the 12th, and Progressed Moon Balsamic Phase. It feels selfish and mean to even gently refuse when someone asks to be your friend, or when the neighbors ask you to dinner, so I say ‘yes’ and regret it later. I’ve just always preferred being alone, and I use the social energy I have to focus on my family. It feels like survival to me to conserve energy, nothing personal. How to say ‘no’ nicely?

  11. When I started school, psycologists and my parents decided that could skip 1st grade, I was mixture of totally naive and overbright and did not make one single friend for seven endless years. With a Libra asc conjunct Libra Venus and Sun, Moon and Mercury in 11th house, it was pure torture. Icouldnt understand it, I had no access to their world. When I entered high school it changed from day one, some of these guys are still my best friends, and being a friend is a thing I am really good at, having learnt to cherish it the hard way. What I have had to learn later on is then to have healthy boundaries, especially when it’s about real friends.

    • Interesting. I skipped a grade, starting 3rd grade when I was six. I was also pulled out of classes for 3 years in Elementary school, because I knew the curriculum. They did not have gifted programs back then, they put me to work in the office, calling the homes of truant kids (capricorn). This is when I was 7 and 8 years old.

      My son also started school early…it does affect you.

      I personally, don’t think there is an easy answer to this. I was happier working in the office, then I would have been waiting all year for people to figure out 2 + 3 is 5.

  12. That’s so interesting, I was just wondering why am always ending up going it alone and this pops up!
    Not been liking it but it feels like as soon as am with most people I end up having to take care of them or carry them which is just too much pressure (I feel that physically, in my head).
    Idk, triple Pisces, oh well, it is what it is, thx 4 posting

  13. I can relate to what you’ve described there Elsa, and like how you’ve described it.
    I do have very good friends but those friendships only work if they give me plenty of room. I can’t do every day. I pick too much up off people and need time to discharge and reorientate. And I have only two friends who are able to navigate at the depth I like. There have been long periods where there wasn’t much or any contact with friends.
    It is both lonely and a relief.

  14. Okay, I am admitting a big one here. I have had no friends forever. Too scared! Being lonely was nowhere near as bad as that fear. A few years ago I realized I didn’t want to die a chicken and made some huge changes all about saying “let’s connect”. OMG I had no idea how hard it would be. After catapulting myself out there, I am now allowing myself to enjoy my isolation. Just for a bit. I know we are designed to connect, but I have to rethink this. I love Elsa’s philosophy of just get over it and put that messy thang out there and don’t worry about it. It’s helping. In my gut I believe I am/we are here to transmute all this dark scorpionic crap into energy that actually *helps*.

  15. Have long long time friends. We don’t see each other alot alot but we stay in touch. I know what it’s like to be in a bad space and take on new friends. Disaster. They ain’t what they seem. Just more bad into my space. Same thing happened with employers. I think that when I was down and struggling, the predators could smell it.

  16. I’m in that space now, trying to get myself together after some personal disasters. Luckily most of my friends understand this.

  17. I’ve gone a long time with no friends, especially after moving to this city (for some reason this place feels poisonous to me). Right now I’m making plans to relocate closer to my old hometown, to a city where I felt much more at home in, and am hoping to re-involve myself in community theatre plus other volunteer work.

    I’m happy in my own company for the most part, and am an introvert so being in crowds regularly tends to wear me out… but definitely feel the lack when it comes to people with whom I can relate. At this point I’m processing a lot of deep stuff, which doesn’t make for good social conversation either.

    • I think it’s ‘chemistry’ SharonLynn, chemistry not only with a city, but also with a group of people. I think some people aren’t meant to be friends, and it’s more normal then people think.

      I replied to J, that you can’t really force friendship. You can’t really force chemistry either.

  18. Yes I’ve had a few times where I didn’t have friends. And I would try and try and try to make friends and nothing. Then suddenly Out of nowhere I would then have lots of friends. I should go back and look to see if there were any astrological patterns.

    • J, thank God I’m not the only one!! I don’t feel so much like a freak anymore. LOL!

      The thing about friendship is that it can’t really be forced. I’m like you, I can go through long periods, sometimes as long as 10 years!!…Without friends. But then I can go and make 40 friends in a week in a period!

      It’s like I go through periods and spurts!

  19. someone once told me its because i have Pluto in the 11th. That i will have only 2 or 3 friends at any one time, and long periods without.

  20. I don’t have many friends. At best I’ll have 2-3 good friends I can regularly talk to about life. But lately, I’ve felt spread out. I have a lot of people I regularly see and enjoy, but no one I can call up about a road trip or even ice cream and a movie. Realistically, the problem is I don’t know who wants to be called and I’m afraid of ruining a good thing.

    I really want to connect to people but I’m usually afraid of getting too close & getting dropped so its easier to stay alone. Venus-Mercury-Neptune, I can hear birds chirping when I should be hearing a door slam. Its hard for me to know who I can really trust and who I can’t and its difficult for me to define my boundaries with people so for now, distance is my normal.

    Yet, this astro energy has people from all angles inviting me to connect one way or another. I’m trying not to resist it.

  21. Saturn in the 11th. Not many, but older and flawed usually. Mars in Scorpio in 3rd – when I am done, I am done! And probably pissed off. Jupiter in Pisces in 7th – I wind up with people with whom the good Mojo flojo gojoes. Winding up as a volunteer coordinator at two rescues is not a joke from the universe that is lost on me 😉 All said, I lose in one area but gain in another…

    • Moon in Libra with a Sadge 4th house Sun too…my stretches in between friend contact are punctuated by the house parties I throw. Just realizing how literal my placements are.

  22. Absolutely yes. I’m a total loner. I usually just have one or two friends, and right now just one. And even then we hardly see each other. Usually we meet up at the gym and have a chat and I’m good to go for another week, or once in a while we might meet for coffee. I need a lot of alone time, and I’m also an empath and absorb other people’s energies all the time so cannot be around others for too long. Introverts in general expend a lot of energy when they are with others, so they need to be alone to recharge, whilst extroverts get recharged being with others. I’d say this question would not be true for extroverts at all.

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