Does Your Lover Secretly Hate You?

Is your friend or partner constantly criticizing or complaining about you? Chances are they don’t even like you.

Hear this: people date and marry people they don’t likeย all the time. Take two minutes to watch this video and spare yourself tons of pain and horror!

Also, you may be the one full of hate. Check yourself!

Have you ever tried to have a relationship with someone who has contempt for you?

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Does Your Lover Secretly Hate You? — 60 Comments

  1. Well I recall giving my daughter a big ol’ lecture when she was about 10. “Never, ever date a man who does not like women. If he doesn’t like women, he doesn’t like you and you are wasting your time!”

  2. I’m gonna remember this one: “I can see you don’t like me, if you could just figure it out for yourself.” Puts the dot on the period and the cross on the t, doesn’t it!

  3. i’ve done this before in the old days. one guy just didn’t like women much – and yeah, i am one, so it counts – and another didn’t like me as i was. he was always trying to reform me or turn me into what he would prefer. both wanted me to loose weight. (didn’t they notice i was fat when we got together? duh!)

    i tell my kids this: “Never date somebody’s potential. If you do not love who they are today, then you do not love them.” do they listen? i have no idea. but i try to pass on the message.

  4. When people show contempt for their partner, esp if they verbally express that to others in a superior tone, I’m always amazed. After all, in most cases, they are the ones who freely chose to stoop low enough to date/screw/marry someone they view as contemptible! So what does that say about them?

  5. lol Goddess! “dating somebody’s potential” – that is a great venus-neptune line. People date, partner, do business, and befriend my potential all the time. I am a walking potential – a mirror. It’s nice at first, then it makes me insecure as I’m constantly trying to reflect (or at least not ruin) whatever it is they think I am. It gets mighty confusing sometimes. I see the potential in others as well, but reality usually inhibits me before I even get started. I have Cap moon- Sag Neptune on my DC.

  6. yup. completely and utterly doomed.
    the sad part is that it can be so difficult to see.
    at least, if you’re used to being criticized ๐Ÿ˜›

  7. I think the trouble for me is this– if it’s one way I like you, if it’s another I don’t. I’m not always sure what the reality is. if you’re a big idiot I like you. if you’re being mean on purpose cos you don’t care, well, I want to slap your face off. unfortunately I can never decide which it is till it’s too late.

  8. AnaBanana– that’s good you’re aware of what’s going on. I also have the cap moon, but leo rising/aquarius dc. I find people are dating my “cool.” unfortunately I’m not actually cool; I’m pretty damned goofy. I’m also pretty heavily neptune.

    • “leo rising/aquarius dc. I find people are dating my โ€œcool.โ€”

      Wow! Light bulb moment.

      The concept of people dating your DC, is unbelievably mind blowing and yet so obvious. I have Taurus DC, and when I was younger I had my share of bums, I’m including friends too, that saw me as their meal ticket or a path to some form of financial gain.

      In the last 2 years or so I have ended many relationships with friends, especially those who were more interested in the money side of my Taurus DC.

      Also, this is a timely resurfacing of this topic, because of all the purging that we’ve been doing and will be forced to face if we continue to resist letting go; ahead of the Jan 2020 cliff.

  9. Well I could never be with someone I do not like, because I just cannot hide it. If I don’t like you, you know it, and so does everyone else. I do not have to say a word either. Now, has anyone ever dated me who did not like me? I have been married so long, I don’t know, I would have to think about it. I doubt it, because I am pretty good at picking up ulterior motives (with my scorpio moon, I am probably the queen of ulterior motives anyway).

  10. Goddess – Yes, all the time. I reflect whoever I’m with to a large degree. It’s pretty weird! Not sure if it’s my Gemini rising or my moon-Neptune DC

    Satori – lol. I bet they love dating your cool factor. It’s funny when you finally realize what’s happening ๐Ÿ˜‰

  11. That’s so true! I was once with someone who didn’t like me though he told me he loved me and couldn’t live without me. He constantly suggested me to change because what I thought, said, did, my friends, family, past, books, music, clothing, it was all wrong… When we finally separated he had already found the woman he really liked, and you can tell: when they come up with someone like you, they might have liked you too, but when it’s someone from another planet… how could they’ve liked you? No way.

  12. This post is also pretty dead-on in friendships, especially the ones we make when younger. Now that I’m 24, I’m finally starting to choose friends I like. I have to admit, I stayed friends with people I didn’t actually like for too long. I just felt guilty or I felt like I had a problem with not liking them because hey- look how nice they are! But I think this takes a lot of strength- to go after people who I like. Courage is the word- I mean, I’m a freakin’ Cancer/Cancer Venus, and rejections stick, so I’ve put up with things also. Not to say that I haven’t had fun times or learned a lot.

    This week I “broke up” with a friend after 9 years. We met as teenagers, living a block away from eachother, but in the end we don’t have much in common outside of our spiritual mindsets. And I just exploded on her with a horrible letter because she was too insensitive for me for years. But it’s just recently that I’ve gained awareness to label it for what it is instead of just sitting their fuming, wondering what the hell is wrong with me instead of what two people are doing here.

    But anywho, I love being reminded of this simple point that I still am learning to integrate- so cool video and thanks!

  13. @satori- i’ve come to believe that the “cool” vibe is a function of presenting yourself and behaving in the way you like without factoring in other people’s negative judgements. i.e. being unapologetically goofy is one way to be “cool” if that’s a true expression of your energy.

    i also think people are drawn to it because they wish they felt free enough to do so themselves. thus, i like to say my weirdness is a public service. hAR!

  14. I figured this out in a serious relationship once, and it took several long weeks for the reality to REALLY sink in, but once it did-the relationship just had to end. I think those weeks were me thinking in my own head “Am I really seeing what I’m seeing?”

    It was really surreal for me because I had been so attached to this need for people to like me and to validate me, but as soon as it really hit me that no matter how many times this guy said “I love you,” everything else in our relationship screamed “I can’t stand you!” As soon as that hit, I was so detached from all of it, including blame and guilt. It was simply over.

  15. Oh yes! This is familiar. I guess the reasons will very from person to person, but one possible cause behind people continually finding themselves in these relationships is that they don’t like themselves. They may well not even know themselves either – their authentic self. Playing a part for years in order to be accepted. Anyone that appears to ‘like’ them or show an interest in them is gratefully accepted. Even if the interest takes the form of criticism -I once had a friend who, when I called her partner on his low level treatment towards her, defended him by saying he was just trying to help her become a better person. She’s still stuck there, and miserable.

    When someone is at you every minute with some kind of ‘you got it wrong’ theme (and yes, family included here), it’s not like and it certainly isn’t love. It took me years to work this out (and I still screw up from time to time!) but I have been working at it, getting the old awareness up. It’s been liberating to say the least.

  16. I am constantly communicating with people’s potential selves. It’s very frustrating from my end because I treat them like they’re already the most amazing they can be, and then they choose to suck in some way (things they can control). I’ve actually dated a lot of people who didn’t even like who I was. I can’t even feel guilty because I just think they are dumbasses.

  17. I too have dated a bunch of people who apparently didn’t like who I was. I also refuse to feel guilty, because if they didn’t like me but were going to lie to me about it, then it’s their own fault. I noticed that those idiots had very huge Neptune issues, not surprising considering what they did was idealize the perfect woman, then expected all women to fit that image rather than deal with reality. I mean, they had a choice NOT to date me, it’s not like I chained them to my body.

    I’m actually still dealing with this issue. I have a friend I have utter contempt for these days. I have tried repeatedly to let him go. Every time I do he hangs on tighter.

    About the guys who have contempt for the entire opposite gender – I’ve cracked up at saying, “It’s obvious you hate women, why do you continue to date that which you hate? There’s almost as many men to choose from so why waste your time with women.”

    Yes, I do have Mars in Scorpio in 7th. This topic fits that placement nicely!

  18. I’ve seen this in action many, many times over the years and it always sends shivers down my spine. The mixed messages are usually of a very nasty type.

    Had one Scorpio boyfriend in my early twenties who was like this. His Mars-Saturn conjunction in Cancer squared my Sun. He is numero uno on my permanent shit list.

  19. haha elsa i totally agree.. the part where you want to “fast-forward if i see you don’t like me”…. totally. I’m all for upfront, forthright, brutal honesty because it just gets messier if you let it sit & stew… must be my aries…

    wonder how the mars retrograde is manifesting on the collective in regards to these types of relationships…. is the kettle finally going to burst?

  20. And people who “tolerate” that quirky thing about you? Also not groovy. I want someone who likes me – all of me. Including my gender! *chuckle*

  21. Syncronicity! I watched a movie last night that’s about this very subject. It’s called “Expired” and it’s a play now on Netflix.

    Hugely depressing, but worth watching as a wakeup call if you’re doing this to yourself.

  22. This isn’t related to dating relationships, but it’s a similar dynamic, so I hope it’s okay to share it because some relationships are not so easy from which to extract oneself.

    I have this problem with my mom. She simply doesn’t like me. She and my father were good, caring parents who provided well for me as a child, but our definitions of success are very different, and it has colored her desire to see me or spend time with me. It is terribly painful. We live 10 miles from one another and she drives by my house at least twice a day, but there’s never a time when she is able to stop in to say hello, even on Christmas, and when I suggest coming to her house, the response is usually something along the lines that I am always welcome to come over, but that she probably won’t be there when I arrive. (Errands, excuses, etc.)

    This was emotionally devastating for me for many, many years, but I did eventually arrive to my current state in which I am able to stay open to her and offer regular assistance to her (she takes in rescue animals as a hobby, so I go and shovel shit, etc.) without seeing her or hearing from her. It took a lotta, lotta work, though, and I have been lucky to have my wonderful, supportive husband with me through most of it, otherwise I don’t know if I could have gotten there.

    Sun, Mars, Venus in Cancer

  23. Me too! My mom never has liked me. She and my brother think I am too much like my father. I probably am.

    funny… I didn’t relate that to the video, but I should have… It’s really strange to have someone just running that same kind of trip, and it’s your mom!

    It took me till I was fully grown, and then some to figure it out for real and digest it.

    I feel very lucky I can be a good mother to my children and just enjoy them as they are.

  24. and look, it worked! That is amazing! You are the first person to come up with any rhyme or reason for anything with that filter. We have trouble here every day and I always hate when it’s someone new.

  25. Yeah, I can imagine..Me too, although in my life, I try to compromise…

    still not working though!

    Seriously, living in a healthy relationship demands a lot of courage and willingness to accept others as they are..I find that I can be overly critical and need to chill and get deeper to see what it is I am trying to come to terms with. I can like and dislike one person at the same time…and I am not sure that I have found anyone that hasn’t got an annoying habit or feature..

    My moon is in the sixth house ya’know.

    I feel that this actually dooms every relationship I make..
    So they question is who is perfect then??? Am I just procrastinating in commitmentanxiety?? Or is it impossible for Aquarians to accept human-ness?

    There is a distinct line to draw between absolute disgust and small premenstrual annoyance patterns though..:)

  26. Well it’s absolutely true. My last relationship, but it took me a long time to realize. He was trying to ‘save me’ i think–as far as he’s concerned, if it wasn’t for him i’d still be eating Kraft Dinner.
    I’ve always hated Kraft Dinner.
    Anyway, it must be really galling to see, not so much where i am at this moment, but where i will be, and even worse, it’s not because of him, but more in spite of him. I’d like to put a smiley here, rolling it’s eyes, but not sure how. Also maybe and angry one, but if you had one with a triumphant look on it’s face, that would do to, lol.

  27. Contempt is one of the “Four Horsemen” in Gottman’s relationship theory. He’s the doctor who can predict with some incredible amount of accuracy which married couples are likely to divorce.

    I learned about him in marriage counseling with my ex husband, who didn’t like me. He wanted to like me and was attracted to me like Elsa says. But he didn’t like me. And, I wanted to like him and was attracted to him, but I didn’t like him either. Contempt was the hallmark of our relationship for pretty much the entire decade we were together. Nasty ugly stuff.

    In contrast, I like the new man. And he likes me! We tell each other that all the time, “I reeeeally like you!!!” What a relief.

    Oh yeah, and my mom hates me too. (Cue Elsa’s step away from the corpse video here….LOL.) ((Pippa, Elsa))

  28. It drives me nuts that my friend married a guy who acts like this. Her stepdaughter recently went back to her abusive boyfriend (friend is pretty pissed about this) and I keep thinking, “that’s because her mother always marries abusive men and she doesn’t know any damn better.” But it also kinda seems hypocritical for my friend to complain about it when she is with a guy who will be nice to her or mean to her on a dime.

  29. I have a good friend who is currently with a gal who is openly hostile towards him. I tried for a couple of years to warm up to her but it was like trying to warm up to an electric fence.

    He left her briefly last year and asked me for advice. I said “I know she says she loves you…does she LIKE you?” He said no, he didn’t feel so–then he went back. I think he is profoundly lonely without a lady by his side.

  30. Which house is the house of doom?? I know my mother “loves” me, but she does not act that way a lot when we are together. She will sigh loudly when I speak, turn away, her body language is that she turns away from me when we are together, and argues with everything I say. We are both double Scorpios but her moon and Venus are all in my 12th house. I love her because she is my mother but she has not been the most positive influence in my life on some levels. So yes this can manifest in family as well, definately in my opinion.

  31. One of the most pungent attractions I had was with a man whose venus was in virgo, their mars in sagittarius, and their saturn in aries. Mine are in taurus, aries, and capricorn, respectively. He and I are actors, and he was 7 years younger. Our attraction was instant and strong, yet he was “afraid to be seen with me” and he put me off before having sex, waited until we finally did to then “break up” with me a day and a half later, by phone, saying, “I want to have kids and get married, but not with you.” I think he really didn’t like himself, and the fact that I was so there for him, giving him space, and was real rather than a game player, was too much for his ego to handle.

  32. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! LOL!!!! I couldn’t stop laughing at the “you are doomed!”…. I love it cause it’s soooo true!!! I feel this so much in my life. I’m SUPER sensitive to other people’s energy, sometimes I can actually feel emotions, etc. that others have sub/un-consciously (toward me or others), which makes it VERY difficult to have relationships most of the time, unless the repoire btwn us is such that we can be mutually candid without taking offense or being defensive.

    I wasn’t consciously aware I could do this or that this was happening until about 6 months ago, so since then I’ve been realizing (or at least I FEEL) that a good number of my friendships dance with this “behavior”:-( It’s very sad for me b/c I genuinely thought I had pretty good friendships and now I’m finding myself alone a lot of the time. I also realize that my vibration is shifting: so I’m “letting go” of old people and hopefully will be attracting new ones that are in my same vibration….. but I wish I could figure out an effective/less awkward way to confront people who (I can feel) are annoyed by me/don’t like me. It’s SO uncomfortable for me to say anything to these people because it’s not like I can just say, “Oh by the way, you don’t KNOW that you have this feeling towards me, but I FEEL it, so it must be”….. and then of course, I usually doubt my intuitions anyway, so I can never be sure if I’m just crazy.

    This post also made me think about tolerating other’s “areas of opportunity”;-) I became aware that I have REALLY high standards and expectations (for others and myself) a few years ago and have consciously made a effort to try and lessen the tightness of this grip. That is to say; I guess I’ve had to learn to “lower” my standards;-) which is very tough to navigate b/c how much is enough? Where does one draw the line between standing up for oneself/not letting someone walk all over you and allowing someone to be “imperfect”, or not being too judgmental.

    Thanks for this video-post Elsa;-)

  33. Hah! Fifty-comment thread and growing. I see this struck a nerve.

    Certainly I have dated people who had contempt for me. I have also had contempt for most of my exes. I finally took responsibility for my own choices, though, and quit bitching them out for their flaws. We just weren’t compatible (I dated a lot of Leos, Aquarians, and heavy Scorpio types). I’m taking the time to get to know people and vetting them before I get intimate on any level now.

    The interesting way it has worked out for me is that I seem to have attracted someone who is respect-able. Still, he’s getting put through a very slow process of examination. I don’t think he minds, though. He’s a Taurus sun with Merc/Venus/Mars/Chiron conjunct. LOL

    Also has Aries moon opp my Libra moon and (I am pretty sure) Aquarius Rising opp my Leo Rising. Astrology aside, he’s completely awesome. I hope contempt doesn’t come into the picture with this one. Starting out with respect this time and seeing what comes from there.

  34. OMG Pippa, and Elsa, your comments resonate with me so much. I have been trying to figure out the situation with my mom and I for YEARS…it just feels so good to know that I am not alone, thank you!

  35. one of my best friends from my childhood. and after so many years it was hard to get myself to see it.
    i know she likes some of me. but she seems to loathe or fear other parts.

    at least i finally figured out it wasn’t me that was the problem.

  36. My ex told me, “You are too positive. Why are you so happy all the time? I know being positive is a great trait to have, but your positivity annoys me so much.” And that’s just one of many things about me that he didn’t like. He didn’t like my clothes, my friends, my parents. But he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me and have three children. Confusing? Hell yeah.

  37. Goddess -great advice about not dating / dating somebody’s potential, done that way too many times. with friends or in business also. And like Satori I can never ‘see it’ till its too late.

  38. Elsa would you tell us more about the unconscious Mars bit?! At first I assumed it was unconscious Saturn: feeling less-then in the area that the other person excels at or is perceived as.

  39. Very interesting and important question to ask one’s self!
    I’ve never had that type of relationship towards me.
    But I did have a relationship with a guy I didn’t realize (yes, it sounds incredible) that I didn’t really think much of him & was ignoring my own feelings.
    It ended up very badly (he was a psycho).
    My conclusion: I should never have been with this guy in the first place. We didn’t live together, only saw each other now & then, never more than an evening. Pretty crappy and a great loss of time (5 years).
    I think I was also a psycho in that story.

  40. So here’s a question: What is the astrology of “liking” someone/your partner?

    Jupiter aspects in synastry – Dr. Feel Good?

    Trines in synastry – harmony?

    Sextiles in synastry – support?

  41. It goes for family members too. One of my blood brothers, who is a Sun in Taurus, doesn’t like that I’m too changeable (how Taurus is that?) and ignores me. He may feel he has to care for me as a family member, but he doesn’t like me as a person at all!

  42. Peter Kramer discusses this in his book, “Should You Leave?”. Contempt for people we love is better understood as a projection of contempt for oneself. We hate ourselves but we are denial about that; we aren’t yet ready to own our shortcomings so we “see” them in our partner where we can then despise them. It’s shadow material.

  43. People who don’t like me try to be my friend all the time. It’s very strange.
    So I recognize it and I keep them at a distance. This doesnt mean they stop persisting though.
    It’s just funny to me because when I decide I don’t like someone I go out of my way to avoid them!

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