Divorcing For The Wrong Reasons

I feel a good number of people leave their marriage because they’re unhappy with themselves and they project the cause of their unhappiness onto their partner.  They don’t realize that you can run but you can’t hide. Their dissatisfaction will follow them.

Many have an irrational idea that a person can be happy every day and avoid uncomfortable feelings, restrictions and disappointment in life. They rage at the suggestion they might have this wrong, often claiming simultaneously that they are not an angry person.

I think this mindset originates from back when it was said: “You can have it all!”
“All” in my book includes the shadow but people who buy into this theory think there is no shadow!

This is like buying a potion that promises you will never age or get sick or not be the hottest thing going on the planet. It’s not only silly, there is no humility in it at all. If there is one thing I’m sure of; life will humble everyone eventually.

Have you ever seen an unhappy or agitated  person blame their partner unfairly? Have you been this person?

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Divorcing For The Wrong Reasons — 44 Comments

  1. Have you ever seen an unhappy or agitated person blame their partner unfairly? Have you been this person?

    Yes. And, Yes. And hopefully I’m learning from that. I project A LOT. My shadow is thick. I know that now.

  2. and, I’d like to know who is was that promised that marriage would always make you happy. Happiness is short-term. There’s a long term goal here that’s more important, I think.

  3. Yes. I’m not proud of it (it humbled me) but have learned from that experience that *I* am responsible for my own happiness (as well as shadow).

    • I rather think that not enough people divorce, even though they should, because they are scared of loneliness or being a social failure or children or any number of reasons.

  4. “They rage at the suggestion they might have this wrong, ofter claiming simultaneously that they are not an angry person.”

    I heard this recently. And my thought is that, yes, you are an angry person, rather a person who has the potential to be angry. You just hide it so well with everyone else. Everyone has an angry person in side…The shadow, like you said.

  5. Thanks for posting this.

    In this age of romantic flakiness and talk show “kick ’em to the curb” mentality, it seems heresy to even suggest that the toxins in the over-diagosed “toxic relationship” might be coming from the partner who is most eager to end the relationship.

  6. “I think a lot of people leave their marriage because they’re unhappy with themselves and they project the cause of their unhappiness onto their partner. They don’t realize that you can run but you can’t hide and their dissatisfaction will follow them”.

    Totally agree. Maturity helps with this type of self-awareness and I wish I had that more when I was in my 20s. Alas, it’s par for the course, and eventually learn and understand that true happiness is NEVER about the absence of problems/struggles.

  7. It’s easy to get stuck on blaming the other person but it will get you nowhere. Either you’re right that the person is the source of your problems, so you leave and your life is smooth sailing, or you’re wrong, and you’ve just added a ton of shit to your already screwed up life.

    People generally believe they’re going to get smooth sailing and they are SHOCKED when that doesn’t happen. I think that is the “I’m not happy anymore” crowd.

    No one wants to hear that, though. They will argue that their situation is different.

  8. I so agree with you Elsa happiness must come from within each person. I have told each of my 6 children that when they were teens and since they have left home. Told my younger siblings that as they are much like my children as well being as my sister is 8 years younger and my baby brother is 17 years younger. Do any of these people listen to me (NO) but still I have told them. I also agree with JNL.

    A few years ago I was reading an article about what was called the fairy tale syndrome they were seeing in relationships today. Seems at the first sign of conflict (money problems, disagreements, etc…) then the happily ever after spell is broken oh how terrible. All bets are off it just will never work out. absolutely no coping skills whatsoever.

    From what I recall from that reading it is not gender s specific both men and women seem to have this view of relationships. Very strange in my opinion. Oh and age really has nothing at all to do with it.

  9. I agree that people blame their spouse for their unhappiness in many cases, however there are people like me who must divorce to save themselves from a spouse who is dishonest, does nefarious crooked things and puts you out there to take the fall for everything while he walks away (I am an Aquarian with Aries in my moon and Aries rising)leaving you in in a Neptune daze. This is what happened to me for 20 years of a deceitful marriage that ended up losing me everything I worked hard to accumulate and create and devastated my life and my children’s; lives while he walked away and disappeared leaving me holding the bag on everything. I am, since 2009, trying to dig my way out of the pit he left me in and so far slowly but surely my eyeballs are now above water. I will never get married again. too much liability.

  10. Last night I learned a friend of my BIL’s died of a heart attack in his sleep. He was 42. He left behind 2 young children and a soon-to-be ex-wife who had left him for his other friend. He loved his children dearly and who knows what will happen now. I hope the “friend” is up for what is inevitably going to follow, a heart-breaking mess and doubly-grieving children:(

  11. Yes well I don’t remember when I read that article you could have been the first Josi and I was like WTF??? I had no idea relationship issues could be a syndrome either but apparently they can. Since I read that article I have watched it over and over again in both friends and families relationships. Boggles my mind really.

    I guess if a person continued to look for prince charming and/or their princess and that fateful happily ever after scenario even though they have supposedly had their eyes opened for them. Then that could be a true condition (mental but a condition) anyway that is my take on it.

  12. why would you even want to get married in the first place?

    kids => yes
    living together => yes
    signing marriage contract => NO

    it`s much-much easier this way

    end of story

  13. Me thinks I should re-think what I have done. But then is it not responsible to leave what feels an abusive situation? Should I have tried harder to make it work? I ask seriously and am not trying to be sarcastic. I have survived so far but have another 28.5 years to go to see it that is really the case. The other on the other hand is suffering and drowning in misery. We are still close, but he is not happy with or without me…as Elsa says above it has nothing to do with the relationship but what is going on internally. That is a sad place to be, on the outside knowing this.

  14. I have to confess that yes, I have been that person – we were having a lot of issues stemming from both internal and external circumstances. I knew that I was a participant but I admit that there were times when I thought that ‘if he only did this then things would be ok’.
    A friend of mine listened to me whining one day and then said, “All those things you’re complaining about are who he is, and they’re the things that you were drawn to. Why are you complaining now? Is it because it doesn’t work for you any more? If so leave, if not stop whining and put your back into your relationship, it’s both of yours and you have the right and the obligation to him and to yourself to do that.’
    Saturn was in Cancer at the time, crossing my IC, and at first I thought she was being quite harsh. The more I looked at it though, the more I realised she was so right – it’s my relationship, and I needed to participate more.
    Yes, sometimes I have to do things that I would rather not do, but so does he, and what we have now is something we both acknowledge is better than what we ever thought this could be.
    Not meaning to crow about how great things are, but looking back, if either of us had walked instead of turning and facing each other and dealing with things, we would never have had what we have now, and for that I’m grateful.
    Saying this is not meant to deflect from situations where there is abuse or where a real stalemate has been reached – I’ve been there too, just talking about this relationship….

  15. My guy is a Leo with a Taurus moon, north node in Capricorn and he’s as loyal as they come. But… like with all the other men I’ve dated…. I ‘d scream “you’re abandoning me” all the time when we had a disagreement. And then I AM THE ONE THAT WOULD LEAVE mid-fight. Said the therapist: “The one who is abandoning this relationship all the time is YOU. HE’s not going anywhere! You are abadoning you! Stop it!”

    Talk about a shadow. And I shudder to think about all my earlier relationships where things would end and I’d decry how I felt so left alone and lonely, and wasn’t I the victim of a non-commital man? I probably checked out mentally and stormed out a few times physically well before they “left” but I just couldn’t see it.

    At least I got smart on the last go around, and married this one 🙂

  16. Well, I’m sure glad I projected all that unhappiness onto the sociopath of an ex. Heaven forbid trying to work that out in therapy.

    :/

  17. What you describe Elsa, is exactly how it appeared to me when my ex ended our marriage. His reasons seemed to me to be quite trivial. The reality was, that he didn’t much like himself, wasn’t happy, felt he’d let me down (and knew I felt that too) – and he projected all that onto me.

    The person he turned into during the process of unravelling our joint enterprise totally shocked me, too. He had even less reason to like himself by the end of it 🙁

  18. yes, that was me. I was terribly unhappy, and as a person with so much Aries I had to try to be independent.

    He was also abusive psychologically and physically so I did the right thing even if my reasoning was a bit mixed.

    He’s on marriage #4, but it appears to blessedly be a happy one. I’m glad for him, he’s done a lot of changing, and I don’t think that would have come about with me in the picture and our same old dynamic.

  19. The unhappy-with-every-freaking-thing ex walked out and we were thrilled to see him go. It was “too hard” for him. When he got what he wanted, he then wanted the opposite. Never happy. Saturn will be on his 4 deg Sun soon. He is already a miserable, lying, blaming-everyone-for-everything jerk. I can’t imagine how he’s going to get worse, but he will. Luckily I divorced him immediately (to his surprise). Just in time, I’d say.

  20. Very well written Elsa. Its a partnership and I am still in process of figuring out how much is my part. 80:20 sounds more but till how long and still will have to ride it.

  21. I see this a lot.

    It’s gross how hedonistic many are, and lash out once the hedonism train stops which gives opportunities for evaluation etc., which is hard to handle.

    I like the shadow side topic, an archetype Dr. Jung originated and spoke of heavily. Seems it takes people in America longer to grow than forced or conditioned into us.

    An adult at 18? 26? No. Not for most.
    I wasn’t adulting until 30-32. Finally took off my diaper and shit my pants like a man lol.

    I attract many who have much to work out and due to my stoic ways and sharp tongue, harsh women no longer stay and look elsewhere for other pushovers. It’s decent of people to be cordial but not pushovers, allowing for terrible behaviors to flourish because you don’t wanna hurt someone and get laid.

    That’s the other side: how others allow the partner to act repulsively.
    This topic has many layers to it.

  22. Sometimes, though, one can also enter a marriage “wrongly” as a result of a projection or acting out of one’s own emotional wounds and not realize it until years later when with maturity and healing one discovers that the choice of the marriage partner was based on illusions or misconceptions about the other person and mostly about the self, too. It depends on the circumstances at the time, of course, but I would imagine that when the illusions do finally fall away, and both partners eventually discover their truer selves emerging, it may become clear that their incompatibility makes the prospect of remaining together until death a misery. In those cases, I think, it can be kinder to release each other to be able to find happiness and fulfillment elsewhere. But again, it does depend on circumstances, and ideally should occur in a way so that neither partner feels simply abandoned. Not easy to pull off, I imagine, but possible.

    • This describes (“based on illusions”) the person I mention below.
      But living without her partner’s support seem impossible to her… and HE’s not looking for separation.
      This is definitely not easy to pull off!!!

      • Well, part of achieving maturity means being willing and able to take responsibility for oneself and one’s choices. So in the cases described below, if one woman is dissatisfied in her marriage but financially dependent on her husband, then she must responsibly find some way to become financially independent so she can separate from him and seek a life that would satisfy her emotionally, even if it means possibly living with less materially. In the other instance mentioned where the woman is being labeled a “narcissist” for seeming selfish and unwilling to change her behavior enough to satisfy the people around her (perhaps she really is a narcissist, but without knowing more details about her situation that is hard to evaluate, especially since the term is often overused), I would venture that, possibly, this woman just needs to find her “tribe,” in other words, people who can deal with and accept her as she is. Unless one is being cruel or unkind or lawless towards others, one should not have to reinvent oneself just to please them. Women especially are made to feel this pressure to change themselves to conform to the expectations, needs and wishes of their spouses, family, friends or whomever, and this can be a trap. If thise around her truly dislike her, that could indeed be a sign that she needs to self-reflect and make some changes. Or, it could also mean that maybe it’s time to find some new people!

        • I agree with your analysis.
          As it is, her partner accepts her very well as she is, but not the other way around.
          So I agree: if she really wants out, then get a full-time job (yeah, but that’s too much work, she’s never worked much), don’t be afraid to live alone (she has never been alone for even a week – went from living with her parents to living with this partner) etc. etc. She can’t face reality very well. So, the blame is on her partner for not being what she would like him to be…
          But she’s Aries, she sees the world from her own needs and perspective first.

  23. Hello, ex BFs, is that you?!
    I had forgot all about you!
    Or not…

    Most of them have a difficult aspect between Neptune and Neptune. And two of them between their Moon and Mars. AND Neptune and Mars.

    Hello, projections!
    My mother also have an opposition between Neptune and Venus, and a Virgo ascendant, and she is the coldest person I have met, very judgemental. So of course I find my shadows…
    Until I own my shadows I will keep meeting these men, and at some point expect to fall down from the pedestal, which in reality are their own faults they can’t deal with.

    I am hard on myself as well though (no wonder), so judging myself and others comes easily to me as well.
    I am not proud of it, but it’s a deep pattern, difficult to break. Doing therapy for my mommy issues these days, so hopefully I will be able to change the energy into compassion (Virgo/Pisces).

    That’s where astrology can really be helpful. And Elsa’s blog of course 😉

  24. “Have you ever seen an unhappy or agitated person blame their partner unfairly?”
    I do have a friend who is unhappy in her couple (not married, but living with partner for 30+ years & have a son). She is very unhappy because he isn’t demonstrative enough, she would like a caring romantic partner &/or passion (she’s 0.19° Aries Sun, 29° Aries Venus, he is Virgo).
    She’d like to get out, but has a part-time job and is somewhat financially dependent on him.
    She’d like to separate, but could you call that “for the wrong reasons”? Supposing that passion is the most important thing for her?
    But then again, if she has been living like this for 30+ years without unsufferable pain. He is neither stupid, ugly, violent, alcoholic/druggy, psycho or unfaithful) and her Taurus Moon likes security.
    I wonder if she ever thinks about what her contribution is to this couple – she expects something from him, but what about hers? She dreams of finding a better partner.
    This does sound like the “you can have it all” approach. And not expected to give much in return. But yeah, the appartment is hers (inherited from her parents), so 30+ years rent-free, that is quite a contribution. This allowed for buyong realty, vacations, etc. Everbody should be happy!
    So why divorce? He’s not interested in separation, he’s rather a family person, but that’s not good enough for her.
    Agree completely with “They don’t realize that you can run but you can’t hide. Their dissatisfaction will follow them.” I doubt if she could be happy with someone else.
    Sorry I’m being a bit ironic… when I listen to her I say nothing, for fear of being mean. I feel there is a sort of entitlement issue there – the world owes her something, so she’s frustrated.

  25. I am in my middle 50’s. I have a childhood friend who is going thru a divorce. She is a major narcissist. She has Mars/Uranus/Pluto all tightly conjunct in Virgo, 12th house square to her Sag. Sun/Moon conjunction in 3rd. Scorpio Venus/Neptune in 2nd, opposed Jupiter retrograde in 8th! Aaand…Chiron in the 6th!!! Guess why her long suffering husband of 19 yrs. had enough and left.

    She is on disability for depression and chronic health issues.
    Her husband was the bread winner. He is self employed and he always asked her to please curb her spending. He was so generous, bought her new cars and took her out places and they always dined at good restaurants. Still, it was never enough for her.

    She chronically complained about missing her parents, despite the fact that they died in their 70’s and she had lived at home with them until they passed. She sees a psychiatrist monthly and a counselor 2x a month. She always insists that they always tell her how great she is doing. Yet she never stops her bad habits, and insists people accept her completely.

    Her husband finally moved out after he took her on on a weekend vacay and she charged some outrageously expensive Louis Vitton purchase to his credit card. Now she is screaming about him leaving her broke and without assistance. She is 53, getting ready to move out of the only home she has ever known ( parents house that she and her husband refinanced). She has to figure out how she can find an apartment to rent in one of the most expensive states and areas of the country, and she has no idea what alimony payment she will be awarded.

    Yet, she continues to post non stop that she is who she is and that everyone must accept her and that she refused to change for anyone. I read somewhere that in order to solve our problems, we cannot maintain our old habits and mindset to overcome them in order to grow. I have no idea what these psychiatrists and counselors are telling her, but like a true narcissist she absolutely refuses to accept any sort of blame or self realization of wrongdoing.

    Her now ex husband is a wonderful guy. I wept tears of joy when I read that he finally bolted. I am sure he did too.

    • Holy shit, I feel like I know this person.

      There is something about extreme dependency upon parents, which then slides over unto a spouse.

      I have someone like this close to me: 32, never left her parents home. Mother has Munchausens, father now having signs of Alzheimer’s. She also has a son. She doesn’t work either. Paranoid of all people and claims to be an empathy but what we see is emotional instability and signs of paranoid personality disorder, maybe schizophrenia because she claims to see things walking around.

      Your story is heavy….

      • claims to see things walking around? she sounds like an emotional sponge for people’s dark/light emotions. It sucks to live in that kind of world. this is truly a curse, kind of like the Cassandra syndrome (greek mythology)no one believes her and she is cursed by the affliction.

    • Wow, sounds a bit like the friend I mentionned above. She’s in depression & regularly in disability (luckily her job can allow his).
      Actually, it’s horrible to see someone like this, because she is truly unhappy.
      There is an expression in France for what some self-indulgent people might need: “The poor man’s electroshock, a kick in the pants”!
      But, can she be qualified as self-indulgent?

  26. I used to have SAG syndrome really bad. I have a Sag Uranus conjunct Sag Jupiter..they aspect my Asc/Desc axis (trine Asc/sextile Desc). Uranus rules my Desc. Ur/Jup trine Mars Aries. I have Venus H9!

    I have learn to harness the Sag better as I have matured. I still have days that I feel like packing up and being free. But I remind myself that there is not another man out there that is as loyal or supportive as my husband is to me. And loyalty and support are very important to me.

  27. I find the worst trouble comes from those outside the relationship as other couples place criticism on how we function together when we are really fine with how things are going. I try my best to stay open to advice I see as valid of course, especially coming from my partner.

  28. the “you can have it all”sounds like a lack of saturn/capricorn. For some reason every Capricorn sun has said, “You can’t have it all”…a humble way of saying, it’s not fair if you have it all. You may have talent and fame but you can’t have love, or you can have love but you can’t have success in career. You can be the top management of the company but you can’t have love. It’s the fairness and unfairness of it all(Saturn in libra exaltation theme)

    • capricorn moons too have told me this. So i’m thinking that capricorn is always involved (pluto cap really breaking things down)

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