Dating Predators: People Who Want You To Want Them But Will Never Want You

This was a follow up to Women Chasing Men – Good Idea Or No?

I’ve spent my life studying “mating”. There are a number of different predators out there. These are people (men or women) who would never identify themselves as predators but it is exactly what they are.

The say they want whatever they have to say they want in order to get you to bite. Generally, this is a long-term relationship. But what they really want is for you to see how attractive they are. They want you to want them but they have no actual desire to be the one who does the wanting.

They show up for your date, perfect in every way and snag ya. You go home snagged, thinking you’re going to go somewhere with this person but you’re really just their pawn. When it doesn’t work out a few days or a couple weeks down the road, you’re left feeling you screwed something up when in reality you’ve been gamed by someone who may not even know they are a gamer (but probably does).

This is so common. Have you ever met anyone like this? Are you like this?

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Dating Predators: People Who Want You To Want Them But Will Never Want You — 70 Comments

  1. Yes. I learned about this the hard way. I’m glad though. Honestly–with Venus/Pluto I was bound to meet the shadow side of romantic life and I’m glad I met it sooner rather than later. It’s not like I was going to avoid it with a chart like mine.
    Now I think about the lines I was fed, and I hear other people talking the same and I am glad–I KNOW. And I can run, far away.

  2. Uh yeah, I dated someone like this for three months. Which in my dating history is the equivalent of about 2 days (my relationships are typically long winded. I was thinking this was working out good, we had fun together it was relazed and not too much pressure on either side and then one day he just disappeared *poof* right back to where he came from I guess. We had just came back from a day trip and I left my tennis shoes in his truck. I never heard or saw him again. Odd..lol.

    He is now known as “the guy who dated me for 3 months just so he could steal my old pair of sneakers” in my circle of friends. I mean..I have no other explanation for it.

    • Thanks for this write up. This happened to me. I made the relationship to be more than it was. He kept it at a steady 2 days a week with lots of cuddling, holding, etc. When he sensed I wanted more… he started to bread crumb and then full ghosted. Fascinating to watch myself wanting more and him not. Lots of lessons…

    • Wowza, I’ve heard this before, but when you just met someone how is one to know? Seriously have a thought about that before re-victimizing victims. We’re not psychic and real love includes …
      A.) Giving people leeway and benefit of the doubt and
      B.) Vulnerability.
      Neither one of those gives a person advantage in protecting themself. Ripe for a predator to harvest. Stop acting like there aren’t cons out there.

  3. Wowza I think that most if not all people can benefit from taking responsibility for virtually any decision they make. Having a conversation about what went down is a healthy starting point. I had to think about my experience first before I was able to exhibit anything OTHER than victimhood.

  4. Also, my mother dated a sociopath who had at least six other women on the go. (His own mother called him a sociopath – I don’t throw those words around.)

    Said they should have a baby, and then, when she was pregnant (once he’d won her over), said that they couldn’t have one, and that she should abort. He messed with her head, big time. She didn’t want to abort, but finally made the appointment – suddenly really seeing him for who he was – and when she told him, he lost it. She let the appointment go, he changed his mind again, and she just decided that she didn’t want to have his baby at all. She went through with it, he was all sweet and tender with her, the nurses were all in love with him (I don’t know why – I disliked him on sight), and as soon as he got her to the car, he freaked out on her. Then he left her at home, took her last little bit of money, and went out to dinner with his best friend and two other women. (She didn’t know that at the time. She later found out about the other women, too – definitely a predator, who left me feeling wary at a very, very young age.)

    • I have had this experience, and it was a very valuable lesson for me. It changed everything, and I took a good hard look at myself too, and kicked my butt from here to eternity over some of the warning signs that should have been obvious to me. So, here we go. My advice to you? Always take it cool and steady for the first three months, and no matter how crazy for the person you feel, keep a healthy detachment for the first three months. If he/she is a player, you should see signs by then. It is hard to keep up an act (and lies) for that long. If they are genuine, they’ll still be there after 3 months. ps. I know this is a post from 2011 but Elsa started it again, so there you go!

    • My experience with this is that btwn months 6-8 people start showing who they really are. That’s the reason for love bombing-to get the target hooked before the mask starts to slip.

  5. Oh yeah. By the way, Elsa, the video won’t play. I was looking forward to it for your thoughts..

    Any hew. Know the astrology of these folk?

    Mine had their 6th house Venus sextile Neptune while 4th house Neptune squared the Moon, Mars, and Saturn- all in the 1st. Venus also squared Uranus and trined Pluto. Empty 7th, less Eros.

    Maybe that’s why feeling the appearance of a monogamous rel’n was more paramount than actually being an active participant of one, or three, as was the case. All of which proved thrilling because of Pluto?

    I’m just glad to be outta that mess, for sure! I’m with Salali- those fcukers are a whole other breed of human. Or un-human for that matter.

  6. lolo, I don’t think something like this can be pinned to a sign or an aspect though vanity is definitely part of it.

    See, a person can be vain but not malicious. A person can also be vain and malicious. In these cases you might have a similar experience on the surface but the underside would be different.

    This is a very general thing and quite common I think.

  7. I have a friend, a Virgo with Sag rising, who does this. She wants men to want her, but she readily admits that she doesn’t want them herself. But, for her, it appears to be more that she’s so insecure that she needs the guy to want her in order to feel okay, not that she’s actually wanting to hurt them. That’s all I know of her chart, though, what I said above, so I’m not sure what might play into it all.

  8. …true. It’s just a pity to in your heart of hearts know that person is really a ball of love but their whatever gets in the way. Maybe that’s my own denial. Who knows. Thanks for the response, Elsa!

  9. D: I think I am guilty of this. I don’t date, so it’s not a major issue, but there is this really sadistic part of me that wants particular people to fall for me when I have no feelings for them whatsoever. The “good” part of me knows it’s amoral, but the “bad” part finds it highly amusing, like some sort of game.

    • I have a cat with your name:) I feel I (aqua sun) had similar experiences as a younger version of me. My piscean moon did not see clearly one way or the other. I would love the “idea” of love but not feeling love, and once the relationship was over, I wanted to get back “In” and “wanted” that person. It was a sick game for sure.

      • Oh yeah…the feeling in love can be terrifying! And for those particularly experiencing this fear might want to step back and examine the ‘why’ of it. There’s probably a reason that needs to be healed up or an exposure/vulnerability to patch up/protect.

        For me, I found the feeling of love to be terrifying because it was denoting the seriousness of love and I didn’t want the baggage or the hard work of love (vulnerability, mercy, forgiveness, hurt- let’s face it, if you don’t get hurt with love did you really love at all!?! I can go on listing all the sacrifices real love entails) , I just wanted the fun parts AND I had ignored red flags, or thought I could close gaps within relationships where things just weren’t fitting. The responsibility and the balance of love is learning what is right for you and having the discipline to say no EVEN when those pangs seem to overcome a niggling sense it’s not right for you. It’s a lot like eating. You can’t just indulge. Those who indulge often get hurt, or hurt themselves. They just don’t know how to eat for their self….yet. When you fear love, you don’t understand it just yet. You might have been burned by it, or you don’t quite know how to handle the fire of it safely.

        Having said that.. I digress.. if you love, you will get burned. Somehow. It’s a rare thing indeed to find two together who learned how to carefully stoke the fire and keep it burning. When it burns you, just make sure it burns off a portion of yourself that is a bad part while polishing and refining that which is gold within yourself.

  10. It’s got to be an insecurity thing or maybe a venus/neptune thing.

    I have venus conjunct neptune and I will admit..sometimes I just want to be desired. I enjoy the chase, but when it’s time to be a happily settled couple, I get restless. I always tell a guy upfront of my tendencies just so they are aware of what they are getting into.
    I met my mirror last year so I can attest to understanding this dynamic.

    It brought alot of love into my life but more realization that sometimes, it’s the chase…the journey..the pot of gold sometimes isn’t as glittery as it was from a distance I suppose.

    • Eh, I don’t know about this being a Venus/Neptune thing. I have Venus sq. Neptune rx. It’s been particularly nasty to me for most of my life. My Venus is in Virgo, and I’ve noticed I tend to stay in elations how much MUCH longer than I should. Me time is in my 12th house, just outside of a conjunction to my AC in Capricorn.

      I have always been very wary – despite how much I may like the person, and how much their “game” may be working on me internally – of people who come on strongly at first. Or who seem perfect and so “into” me and all that stuff, right out of the gate.

      With Neptune in a wide conjunction to my AC, that aspect always seemed to make a lot of sense to me, insofar as understanding why so many men (some women) have been SOOOO into me right away. Literally telling me I’m “perfect”. I’ve been told I’m “perfect” so many times, and it’s insane. I’m not being humble. Im a goddamn disaster. I have a horrible problem with authority and being told what to do and when to do it, I can’t stand routine, so I have a trouble sticking with jobs. I will actively fight to stay unemployed so I can spend more time with my dogs. Doing this is super poisonous to me, because I end up alienating myself from the world, borderline agoraphobia. I’m constantly diagnosed as having severe clinical depression. …I’m NOT depressed. I’m alone. I don’t have any friends. They’re all married or the friendships just kind of faded away and grew apart over the years and as you get older, the less and less you’re able to make new friends and develop new relationships that help you grow and move forward into the next stage of your life. Sometimes I have a ton of money from making a good investment or something. Other times I’m dead broke.

      I kind of like it in a way, because there’s no routine and for some reason whenever I look back and think about the times I was happiest, they were always times when I didn’t have much money or much of anything. When I did get something, I valued it so much more. And really to have* consistently, requires daily routine. And it makes me insane. Every day waking up and staring at myself in the mirror at the exact same time watching my face become less and less happy with each passing day, and realizing how many months and years have passed by with the exact same thing occurring at the exact same time every single goddamn day.

      But like, I’m NOT perfect. Obviously. So that’s a huge red flag. But it happens often. The opposite sex projecting their crap onto me. They see what they want to see, not what is. It sucks to hear it when they say stuff like that to me : “you’re perfect”. Because I know I am so not* that…. Which means they’re deluding themselves and they really aren’t into ME …at all. It’s like being into some model on the cover of a magazine all airbrushed. Not talking. Not yelling. Not bleeding like a stuck pig because she’s having a heavy flow.

      So there’s that. And when you’re up on a pedestal from the get, well…there’s really only way to go from there.

      But maybe it’s the analytical side of the Virgo Venus – yes, it’s square Neptune and I will see throw rose colored glasses. I will daydream. Most things end up totally disappointing….but I can’t ever really say “I didn’t see any of it coming”.

      Like Ive been talking to this guy recently. He’s from Switzerland. Nice dude, very handsome. All about really finding a “dream” woman that he fits with as a partner.

      I didn’t realize he was from Switzerland at first. His online profile said he’s lived there like 12yrs. But the “travel mode” feature wasn’t used when he was here. And it was phrased in such a way that it sounded like he was just saying some fact about his past.

      I never bother with that kind of nonsense, I called him out on it right away. But for the first time in yrs, I was still drawn to talking to him. He “fit” well with me. But as much as I like him, I can’t pretend something is off…

      Like how he asked me to meet him for a drink (before I realized he was here on business) and I said I wouldn’t be able to until next Friday….he didn’t mention he wouldn’t be here then.

      He was very adamant about the fact that he didn’t want to be dismissed outright because he didn’t live here..sometimes shit just works out.

      But still, even after I called him out on the not living here thing …I can’t even remember how I realized it. It didn’t come up why he didn’t tell me outright then.

      So he left the day before yday. We talked the entire time He was at the airport. It was obvious to me with the rate of communications that he was thinking about me quite a bit. But I test this kind of thing quickly. So when he got on the plane, I told him to message me when he eventually landed so I knew he got there ok.

      He did NOT* do that. I couldn’t use just* that as 100% bullshit radar alert. Because he was always being very ….considerate… and with the time difference and the face that I was insanely sick with a fever all weekend from my booster vax… could be
      Just consideration.

      I messaged him yday, and he readily and quickly replied. Yada yada. He went to bed at his time at 10pm-ish last night. I haven’t heard a word or gotten a message

      Everything is* essentially on the up and up, given the fact that we’re two people who seem to like one another quite a bit, hit it off quite perfectly, yet live on nearly opposite sides of the globe.

      ….but still….

      It’s bullshit. The whole thing. His whole vibe, how much he likes me etc
      Etc. it’s horse shit.

      So- one thing I know about men is that when they’re truly into you, and serious about the crap they’re spoon feeding you, is that they really are no different in how they think about women they really like then women are about them.

      They’ll use any excuse to communicate. Any excuse to repeatedly gauge your feelings for them, for the sweet ego boost and seratonin hit. It’s addictive.

      He knows how sick I’ve been.

      We stopped texting at 10pm-ish his time yday….so that makes it’s about 5:30pm there now…haven’t heard a word.

      Still, you can make all the arguments you want to defend stupid crap like this.

      Here’s one thing you can’t ever argue with. It’s the ringer. The red flashing light that you try to ignore in these kind of situations.

      So even with Venus sq Neptune, as soon as he left I knew it was all bullshit (and had suspected as much leading up to his departure. No matter how sweet the gestures and compliments. No matter the sincerity) …he asked me if I was on LinkedIn at some point. I said “yes”. And then we started talking about how he uses “WhatsApp” – a lot of Europeans do, I don’t get it. So I downloaded it.

      But here’s the thing, so if you’re really into someone – ANYONE – man or woman, whatever, you’re going to eventually want to satiate your curiosity by looking them up on social media or online…

      Problem is: you can’t do that, IF YOU DON’T KNOW SOMEONE’S LAST NAME!

      I* asked him his.

      He NEVER asked me mine back.

      So here we are like 2 weeks into all of this. And him now across the country. Do I want to know if he’s thinking about me? Sure!

      Is he?

      NO.

      If he was, he’d be trying to find shit about me online. At which point he’d immediately realize he can’t even search for me, because he doesn’t know my last name. Then he would message me, talk to me like he did before and get it out of me.

      In all of these 2 weeks…he hasn’t once even been curious about me enough for it to occur to him AT ALL that he doesn’t know my last name.

      And that is enough to know it was all Bull shit from the beginning.

      …which I knew. From the beginning. When I* asked him his…and he did NOT ask me mine.

      This is a recent anecdote, but you don’t have to be dealing with some long distance crap to experience this. I can’t tell you the number of times men have told me how perfect I am, how into me they are, how they want something real with me, and the entire time I’m totally aware of the fact that they have no idea what my last name is.

      So the Venus sq Neptune thing always seemed to me to be more of a “hopefulness” when you shouldn’t be and “disappointment” thing, then being totally gullible and taken in by a gamer dude.

      I’m disappointed. I was hopeful. I’m bummed out. Really. Hurt a bit too. I’m
      Having a hard time not thinking about him.

      But I saw it right away. And inside, I did know it. No matter how many rom com endings I’d imagine would make me so happy, were they to happen. I know the reality of the world. I know who excited people get when they’re really into someone new, and how they can’t get enough information about them. …and I knew this wasn’t it when he didn’t even realize he didn’t know my last name. And still hasn’t. And without that, you can’t even try* to find someone online. And if you don’t even notice you don’t know something that mundane, it’s because you haven’t even thought about them enough to realize.

      As far as the gamer thing…I’ve seen a lot more Mars/Neptune show it’s face…in the fact of the gamer, when what this post describes happens.

  11. Yeah, I got a “Candy Gram” and am paying for it dearly! This really hit home Elsa. I have been studying what was going on back then and WHOA! Too scary to believe. I was totally looking for a partner and he was totally looking to secure some serious wealth. I ate it up hook line and sinker and sunk.

  12. Hmmmmm…..got me thinking about the ex-boyfriend. I don’t doubt that consciously he thinks he wants a relationship but looking at all his relationship stories and patterns, he’s outta there in less than 6 months. And he always brags that it was the woman chasing him. I can’t imagine that I am the only woman in his entire life that he chased after – I suspect that he has this need to feel desirable.

  13. I def understand the aspect of just being wanted. I don’t think it is wrong, but it is kinda a one night only thing.
    I know of people who drag it over time, and that I think is shitty karma, atleast if the person is emotionally involved.
    I think it is fair if the person dates you because they like to show you off, because you are pretty or something. Aslong as the use goes both ways.

    But somepeople are hard, u can spell it out to them 50 times that you are just dating for entertainment, and still they will look for the future in nothing . And to prevent more damage ,you back out, and regardless you are portrayed as the b…. or a……

  14. sometimes i wonder if i do this. particularly when younger. inexperienced and clueless and a little (lot) confused about what my options are and what i actually want. i can’t really know one way or another until i feel it and give my gut the reins to decide.

  15. I have met three men like this is my life.

    One admitted he was a gamer. One coyly admitted to being a gamer yet was in denial about the extent of his hurting others in the process.

    The third one was the last gamer I was with (9 years ago now) and he was trully unaware that he did it. He was in love with love and had a long line of romantic corpses behind him.

    The ones in denial were the worse ones…

    I did get involved with them at the time (silly me! Serious self esteem issues at the time) despite what my intuition told me.

    When the stories fizzled out (quickly as stories with these men do), I learned to stick to what my instincts told me.

    It feels shallow or lacking somehow, sensorially/bodily, to be in proximity with them.

    I actually got to be really good at identifying them within the first hour (tops) of meeting them.

    My dad was a smooth operator as a young man and man (till his 60s.) I find he is much less like that in his 70s.

    He has some nice bits yet he was a (smooth) predator and a real charmer.

    Guess we’re I got my penchant for these men when in my 20s and 30s? Hehe

  16. Oh yes my former crush. He gradually warmed up to me. I’m aries venus, just had to look him directly in the eyes, be warm and forward, combained with soft and shy and serious, and he was so hooked. He flirted like crazy after 1 month of me being the way I was.

    Started to touch my arm, innocently, hand brushes etc. He was low key but definetly flirting like crazy. Super charming in a libra way.

    He has for ex Venus in Libra. Neptune-moon aspect. Mars-Venus square. And Uranus-venus sextile.

    I think he liked the feeling of “falling in love”. Those innocent first stages of flirting. The rush you get, that dopamin kick just by gazing into one others eyes.

    He was so obvious, for aroound 3 weeks. Then he stopped gradually. And now 1 year later, he is nothing like the way he was in the initial stages. He is often stone walling me with his saturnian selfe. He seems cold and/or insecure.

    Its like, he was a cat playing with his pray, but after catching the prey, he does not know what to do with it, so he leaves it on the ground, totally uninterested

    • I don’t think he had “bad intentions”. He used me to get dopamin kicks. Have a little dreamy innocent flirting just all. He had no intentions to let it develop, he wanted to live in that moment, that bubble. And when reality hit, he was like “oh sorry not intrested, I just wanted an escape and a bit of fun for some period”.

      It sucks, and I was responsible aswell. I knew it would end like that. That he would not be able too keep that up. It would break at some point, and it did.

      I’m still obsessed by him though..

  17. I think I first heard the term “hungry ghost” from another Elsa post. Its what came to mind when reading this.

    I have met several, some men, but mostly women. The main thing that Ive noticed is that they seem to think that they are really gifting the other person with their presence, combined with a lack of desire to take responsibility for anything.

    And theres kind of this attitude like “well, if they are stupid enough to fall for it, then they deserve what they get”. I think its really perverse and twisted and indicates a truly fractured person.

    But I wonder about the neediness of the other person in the equation too. Theres a fracture there too, that matches up with the perpetrators.

    • ‘And theres kind of this attitude like “well, if they are stupid enough to fall for it, then they deserve what they get”. I think its really perverse and twisted and indicates a truly fractured person.’

      I agree,Libra Noir.

      ‘But I wonder about the neediness of the other person in the equation too. Theres a fracture there too, that matches up with the perpetrators.’

      I agree with this too as in my case I was fractured and needy.

      • Thanks for understanding what I was trying to say. Sorry you had to go through that though.

        I think it has a profound impact.

        Just another thought I had:
        I also think about how these people always think they are winning something and the other person is losing something. When it really undermines both parties innocence. They sell themselves short, and I think somewhere in their being, they know this, but that knowledge makes the void even more poignant. I know Im painting a dark picture but I do see it as a very dark practice, as far as the perp goes. I think the victims pathology is real, but much less dark. They both have a desire to be loved, and are both using eachother, but the perpetrator is driving the thing and the karma incurred by that leadership role being abused is very binding.

        • Wow. You really have a way of putting these deep and complex human dynamics in writing.

          The undermining of innocence. The mutual using. The greater void felt afterwards. The similar pathology/issues in the predator and the victim. The shadow…

          Glad I got off that track. It was the last two gamers (the ones who were more unaware of their actions) that changed me.

          What Elsa referred to in a post a while back regarding many women having a bad/demeaning experience that changes how they go about love/sex/both. That happened to me with them.

          All the things you wrote above, I felt.

          Thanks for your words.

          Got 8th house planets and a moon pluto aspect so in the end I changed for the better. Phew.

          • Glad you were able to use that transformative energy. I think when you recognize what truly went down in the situation, its the only thing to do or else youll go insane/die of a broken heart.

    • hmm maybe not fractured (sorry not familiar with that term?) but like, both of the are actually pursuers and pursued.

      Its a dynamic and its ever so interchanging. Both gains something from this. Both gets ego boost, feels desired and better self esteem etc. Also all that chemicals in the brain thats been relieased. Its like being a drug addict. Being high on brain made cocaine! Of course you can’t blame only one person.

      • Yes thank you, thats what I was trying to say. I hold no judgement towards the one thats played. Ive been played (similar situation but not exact). And because I was sick of it happening I was forced to look at myself…because thats all the power that I have at my disposal. Neverending for me.

        And, I think everyone is fractured (out of alignment/lost/out of touch with their spirit) to some degree. Were here in this realm to rectify those dissonances, I think? Undo karma.

  18. An aquarius, venus in aquarius cj sun mercury,trine moon in gemini.Moon also square sarurn and chiron.Mars in pisces cj lilith, square moon and neptune. My aqua moon fell for the online game for a while. Now that I think of it, I think a gemini moon is a signature for gamers (I’m a double sag)

  19. I too know of a man like this, but through my friend. She was the one being flirted with, and she was devastetad when he stopped. The thing was, he was already in a relationship!

    My friend told me his birthdate. Aries moon contact to neptune. Libra venus contact to uranus.

    The thing is, he was in a relationship at the time, he had been with a girl for 5 years, had a “ring” on his finger and all. He was not engaged, just a silver ring on his left ring finger, his girlfriend made him wear to signal to others he was taken.

    My friend says it was all innocent friendlyness and turned into flirting very soon bc, chemistry. His style was according to my friend, very friendly and outgoing, flirty also innocently touchy. The thing is, he also made sure to bring up his girlfriend at least once a day while flirting with my friend. She was so irritated by this haha!

    He would flirt like crazy and out of smallest reasons mention his Gf in conversation. It was like he either

    1- Wanted to tell her, he was just flirting and not in love so to speak.
    2- We are just having fun, just so you know
    or 3- He wanted to and needed to remind himself he was taken.

    I told my friend he is just bored and wanted excitement.

    Soon enough he had stopped fliting with my friend, begun to just act like a normal guy friend, and with that also stopped mentioning his GF all the time lol.

    Talk about being transperant as hell!

    I jus can’t stand guys just looking for excitement, toying with others feelings! Just F off!

  20. Yes, a guy at work was giving me the eye for weeks. When I gave him my phone number it stopped and I realized he had a gf. That asshole

  21. I’m dealing with my boyfriends ex wife who does this. As soon as he is happy he says she resurfaces and tries to lure him back. But never has any intentions of getting him back just wants to see if he will still bite. I’m aware of these types of people so I nipped it in the bud early on and it has her so angry she has tried to ruin our lives bc I won’t let her interfere. Boundaries. None at all with his one. But like others said if he is stupid enough to play into it u get what u deserve after awhile. Anyone know how to stop someone from this type of behavior or any suggestions on how to deal with it.

    • “But like others said if he is stupid enough to play into it u get what u deserve after awhile.”

      I’m a bit softer on someone who is a victim of this if they’re in a weak state of mind, like a weak time in their life.

      • I agree anonymoushermit I’m a softee myself but I’m talking about someone who goes thru it with the same person over and over again. Fool me once shame on me fool me twice that old saying…..

    • It’s a really difficult behaviour to shift as the change and effort need to come from the gamer.

      If these people have a deeply narcissistic wound (caused in early childhood to their core self and reinforced by further wounds inflicted to them), then they will keep using the defences (conscious and unconscious) they’ve learned to use to get these ego strokes or some sense of importance in search of feeling validated/important. The defences protect them from the core problem (narcissistic wound and basic shame around their core self) so awareness that change is needed doesn’t tend to come.

      If there is a crack, an opportunity, then a humbling experience, or a very painful experience as a result of their actions, or some real feedback from someone they trust could get the person to take a look at themselves. If they are into some sort of self-exploration, even if it’s on a minimum basis, there could be some improvements.

      The above goes for both parties.

      Many people like this really are a lost cause due to the pervasiveness of their defences to ward off the feelings of shame and pain. If the effectiveness of these defences persists then there is little motivation to change in the person.

      I’d say the strategy is to move on (if the cost/benefit doesn’t match) or to keep strong boundaries – like you’re doing. All the best, Jess.

  22. I have known this guy for years.
    I have a certain respect for him , he has held a night job for 20 years 10-8 blows me away,policeofficer the one you want to be responding.
    As well as a run a company ,heavy
    Equipment for 25+ hard worker and does not complain ,9-4,dark ,tired serious eyes, powerful
    He was sending messages via Facebook for 4 months,(I was onFB
    )I finally figured
    Out messenger ;well was delighted
    With his interest,so we hooked up!!
    Amazing, but I not prepared to chase?or rather call, bother, his world so full mine starts crazy early
    He called 1 week later double wow
    He called 2weeks later homerun
    Then 3-4 weeks just incredible
    So am I playing him or is he playing me or is it ok to be cautious?
    He is15 years younger!
    I think of him constantly
    But I am nervous ,hate to think either
    Of us playing one another, our work
    Schedules, and phone service out
    Where I am sketchy I feel lucky afraid to push my luck,so what’s the
    Verdict?

    • It’s sounds like a normal courting to me. I believe we were speaking more on terms of people who don’t want to go out with you once they have your attention. They only do it to see if they can catch u so to speak.

  23. No, I haven’t met anyone like this, with the conscious intention of gaming just to know thay can get you. (Or?)
    But I have known a rather narcissistic guy, with somewhat the same results. It’s just that he didn’t act with clear & deliberate intentions. His main interest is himself! The rest is just a byproduct…
    This mainly works with people who have less self-esteem than the perp. But perhaps they also try to get bigger fish? Bigger thrills?

  24. OMG! So true for me! I’m a relationship sex person and make that clear but I attract these types like nobody’s business! It’s hard to hide my attraction and it’s like I can’t stop myself from falling. Better to base attraction on common interests I guess.

  25. this actually sounds like ALOT of people on the selfie movement. lol
    Looking hot and beautiful and look at me i’m gorgeous, and they have alot of admirers…but in truth they don’t want anyone to get “deeply” involved with them romantically. They are like, stay the hell away, i’m not gonna get serious with you feeling. But hey you can admire me and love me. 😀 Hopefully it stays like that with the admirers, just admiring from far away. lol if they get too close, they might burn.

  26. God yes. He liked to turn women on to turn them down. Capricorn sun, Venus Mars conjunct, Pluto square Ascendant. He even admitted to such behavior ‘subconsciously.’ The women he targeted all looked the same too, as if there was someone from his past who drove such behavior. Like some revenge schtick, or someone he had to ‘own’.

  27. Yes, i have had this pattern show up in non dating situation to, in friendships they want you to want to be their friend, then they give the care you gave to them in love bombing to someone else. It occurred to me through rose colored glasses, Then there are men, who i think either they want me to think they want me, but are 2 line dialogue, nothing moves past it. Cat & mouse games. I have mars in gemini 7th house, pluto in 12th house, 8th house south node jupiter. I am careful with these cat & mouse people, but here is the big problem once they want you to want them, they dont want you to be happy either if you have realized, whom they are..and go after people you know (mars in 7th house)/Pluto in 12th house. I dont know how to outlive these personas in dating/friendships. What they are after is maybe i am wrong is dominance, control, and they want you to be in a Neptune state, confuse the shit out of you and this is amusing to them. It escalates, then nice version shows up. The most “intimate conversation” you will ever get though, here is the kicker are 5 or 15 minutes, even in months or years you have known them. I cant disconnect fully from these people, because i am in a community, where everyone knows each other 6 degrees apart, but i can simply, know, who they are, and, those, who they go after i have to let go…not their plaything. I have met these types through business partnerships, dating, and “friendships”. Pluto/Mars + covert stalking isnt fun…and they circle you like vultures. So it depends how bad is this “gamer”..and the pre “plans” they made, when they wanted you to want them. I also have Lilith on my Ascendant conjunct 12th house! either way i am screwed, when people like that show up…maybe sifting through them, learning to let go is the best way? even if they go after other women in your circle? You can warn them, but they can be so charming, its hard to explain this, unless this has already happened to an acquaintance or a friend, for them to believe the red flags…and you are not doing it out of spite to hurt them somehow.

  28. Yes. He was a screenwriter with one early success- a fact he serially exploited to ‘get chicks’ as I too late realized. He turned me off to continuing to try to find a man, on or offline. I was so convinced we shared the same passions. Then he disappeared. But then, I’m kinda burnt on the dating scene. I want true love, and I want it now! Venus in Scorpio.

  29. This is an older post but I just found this, and I can understand it too well. Hate to admit it, but this USED (past tense-as in decades ago) to be me when I was young. As soon as I realized I was doing this, I stopped dating until I could get that problem squelched. I didn’t want to be that type of person. I didn’t even realize I had a problem until I saw the effects of it from others.
    I wonder how common it is in younger people to do this? I used to blame my Venus in Aries for this trait but I wonder if mainstream media had a large part in playing this out. I oddly thought that if one was attractive enough you could earn ‘love’. With a view like that, if you feel pretty enough, you can go ‘fishing’ for it, and the reward for that effort would be someone’s attention. Vanity! The Hollywood version of ‘love’ is, if I’m gorgeous the ‘love’ you get back is getting to be with that gorgeousness. (Yuck). It’s a sick mentality, yes, but it’s virtually everywhere. It’s almost as if the scene is set that beauty IS love, and love itself becomes nonexistent. Is this not what the fashion magazines tell us with all pages full of alluring sultry looks? Dating has a lot to do with sex, and sex has a lot to do with (initial) attraction. I guess this is why so much is placed on looks…which really isn’t anything at all but only a part of it.
    I used to attract so many guys, but never able to keep them..gee, wonder why!!! (<—sarcasm!). I was in love with the CONCEPT of love rather than the person loving, as if one could extract that love from them. And thus, at a basic level of only interested in loving myself. It’s quite narcissistic. Perhaps this immature selfishness isn’t uncommon. If one holds such a view about love, they won’t be successful in finding it, though they might get laid a lot. Weirdly, some people think this means you’re valuable or ‘more worthy’ in some way to have many lovers? It just means you’re a human waste cum receptacle (this goes for male and females alike) and you never found or got to experience real love. Sadly, it seems that’s all ‘love’ is about in dating these days. There are popular apps for just that alone (hook ups). I don’t know how people can do that….Sex without real love is boring (and gross) as hell.

  30. me and my husband watched the tindler swindler on netflix, i had to do his chart. He had a capricorn moon, so that shocked me but there’s no birth time, so he might be sag or aqua moon, but he was a libra sun, gemini mars and i think scorpio venus. He is actually handsome or attractive. which he was able to pull off i guess; he swindled alot of women in the northern european regions, from Norway to Finland. there was no woman swindled in southern or east europe. I think if he went for an italian lady….. well hmmm maybe those mafia movies really get to me. lol but honestly this guy is didnt even go to prison long enough for what he did. I guess they dont have laws strong enough for it. But definitely he was a predator who didnt love any woman back, and wanted only their money while he was dating a few a time.

  31. These players have (or have had) elevated Neptune placements and they were able to get away with their BS because being a con artist isn’t a felony. And of course, once a liar always a liar…

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