Dating Predators: People Who Want You To Want Them But Will Never Want You

This was a follow up to Women Chasing Men – Good Idea Or No?

I’ve spent my life studying “mating”. There are a number of different predators out there. These are people (men or women) who would never identify themselves as predators but it is exactly what they are.

The say they want whatever they have to say they want in order to get you to bite. Generally, this is a long-term relationship. But what they really want is for you to see how attractive they are. They want you to want them but they have no actual desire to be the one who does the wanting.

They show up for your date, perfect in every way and snag ya. You go home snagged, thinking you’re going to go somewhere with this person but you’re really just their pawn. When it doesn’t work out a few days or a couple weeks down the road, you’re left feeling you screwed something up when in reality you’ve been gamed by someone who may not even know they are a gamer (but probably does).

This is so common. Have you ever met anyone like this? Are you like this?



Dating Predators: People Who Want You To Want Them But Will Never Want You — 61 Comments

  1. Yes. I learned about this the hard way. I’m glad though. Honestly–with Venus/Pluto I was bound to meet the shadow side of romantic life and I’m glad I met it sooner rather than later. It’s not like I was going to avoid it with a chart like mine.
    Now I think about the lines I was fed, and I hear other people talking the same and I am glad–I KNOW. And I can run, far away.

  2. Uh yeah, I dated someone like this for three months. Which in my dating history is the equivalent of about 2 days (my relationships are typically long winded. I was thinking this was working out good, we had fun together it was relazed and not too much pressure on either side and then one day he just disappeared *poof* right back to where he came from I guess. We had just came back from a day trip and I left my tennis shoes in his truck. I never heard or saw him again.

    He is now known as “the guy who dated me for 3 months just so he could steal my old pair of sneakers” in my circle of friends. I mean..I have no other explanation for it.

    • Thanks for this write up. This happened to me. I made the relationship to be more than it was. He kept it at a steady 2 days a week with lots of cuddling, holding, etc. When he sensed I wanted more… he started to bread crumb and then full ghosted. Fascinating to watch myself wanting more and him not. Lots of lessons…

  3. Wowza I think that most if not all people can benefit from taking responsibility for virtually any decision they make. Having a conversation about what went down is a healthy starting point. I had to think about my experience first before I was able to exhibit anything OTHER than victimhood.

  4. Also, my mother dated a sociopath who had at least six other women on the go. (His own mother called him a sociopath – I don’t throw those words around.)

    Said they should have a baby, and then, when she was pregnant (once he’d won her over), said that they couldn’t have one, and that she should abort. He messed with her head, big time. She didn’t want to abort, but finally made the appointment – suddenly really seeing him for who he was – and when she told him, he lost it. She let the appointment go, he changed his mind again, and she just decided that she didn’t want to have his baby at all. She went through with it, he was all sweet and tender with her, the nurses were all in love with him (I don’t know why – I disliked him on sight), and as soon as he got her to the car, he freaked out on her. Then he left her at home, took her last little bit of money, and went out to dinner with his best friend and two other women. (She didn’t know that at the time. She later found out about the other women, too – definitely a predator, who left me feeling wary at a very, very young age.)

    • I have had this experience, and it was a very valuable lesson for me. It changed everything, and I took a good hard look at myself too, and kicked my butt from here to eternity over some of the warning signs that should have been obvious to me. So, here we go. My advice to you? Always take it cool and steady for the first three months, and no matter how crazy for the person you feel, keep a healthy detachment for the first three months. If he/she is a player, you should see signs by then. It is hard to keep up an act (and lies) for that long. If they are genuine, they’ll still be there after 3 months. ps. I know this is a post from 2011 but Elsa started it again, so there you go!

  5. Oh yeah. By the way, Elsa, the video won’t play. I was looking forward to it for your thoughts..

    Any hew. Know the astrology of these folk?

    Mine had their 6th house Venus sextile Neptune while 4th house Neptune squared the Moon, Mars, and Saturn- all in the 1st. Venus also squared Uranus and trined Pluto. Empty 7th, less Eros.

    Maybe that’s why feeling the appearance of a monogamous rel’n was more paramount than actually being an active participant of one, or three, as was the case. All of which proved thrilling because of Pluto?

    I’m just glad to be outta that mess, for sure! I’m with Salali- those fcukers are a whole other breed of human. Or un-human for that matter.

  6. lolo, I don’t think something like this can be pinned to a sign or an aspect though vanity is definitely part of it.

    See, a person can be vain but not malicious. A person can also be vain and malicious. In these cases you might have a similar experience on the surface but the underside would be different.

    This is a very general thing and quite common I think.

  7. I have a friend, a Virgo with Sag rising, who does this. She wants men to want her, but she readily admits that she doesn’t want them herself. But, for her, it appears to be more that she’s so insecure that she needs the guy to want her in order to feel okay, not that she’s actually wanting to hurt them. That’s all I know of her chart, though, what I said above, so I’m not sure what might play into it all.

  8. …true. It’s just a pity to in your heart of hearts know that person is really a ball of love but their whatever gets in the way. Maybe that’s my own denial. Who knows. Thanks for the response, Elsa!

  9. D: I think I am guilty of this. I don’t date, so it’s not a major issue, but there is this really sadistic part of me that wants particular people to fall for me when I have no feelings for them whatsoever. The “good” part of me knows it’s amoral, but the “bad” part finds it highly amusing, like some sort of game.

    • I have a cat with your name:) I feel I (aqua sun) had similar experiences as a younger version of me. My piscean moon did not see clearly one way or the other. I would love the “idea” of love but not feeling love, and once the relationship was over, I wanted to get back “In” and “wanted” that person. It was a sick game for sure.

  10. It’s got to be an insecurity thing or maybe a venus/neptune thing.

    I have venus conjunct neptune and I will admit..sometimes I just want to be desired. I enjoy the chase, but when it’s time to be a happily settled couple, I get restless. I always tell a guy upfront of my tendencies just so they are aware of what they are getting into.
    I met my mirror last year so I can attest to understanding this dynamic.

    It brought alot of love into my life but more realization that sometimes, it’s the chase…the journey..the pot of gold sometimes isn’t as glittery as it was from a distance I suppose.

  11. Yeah, I got a “Candy Gram” and am paying for it dearly! This really hit home Elsa. I have been studying what was going on back then and WHOA! Too scary to believe. I was totally looking for a partner and he was totally looking to secure some serious wealth. I ate it up hook line and sinker and sunk.

  12. Hmmmmm… me thinking about the ex-boyfriend. I don’t doubt that consciously he thinks he wants a relationship but looking at all his relationship stories and patterns, he’s outta there in less than 6 months. And he always brags that it was the woman chasing him. I can’t imagine that I am the only woman in his entire life that he chased after – I suspect that he has this need to feel desirable.

  13. I def understand the aspect of just being wanted. I don’t think it is wrong, but it is kinda a one night only thing.
    I know of people who drag it over time, and that I think is shitty karma, atleast if the person is emotionally involved.
    I think it is fair if the person dates you because they like to show you off, because you are pretty or something. Aslong as the use goes both ways.

    But somepeople are hard, u can spell it out to them 50 times that you are just dating for entertainment, and still they will look for the future in nothing . And to prevent more damage ,you back out, and regardless you are portrayed as the b…. or a……

  14. sometimes i wonder if i do this. particularly when younger. inexperienced and clueless and a little (lot) confused about what my options are and what i actually want. i can’t really know one way or another until i feel it and give my gut the reins to decide.

  15. I have met three men like this is my life.

    One admitted he was a gamer. One coyly admitted to being a gamer yet was in denial about the extent of his hurting others in the process.

    The third one was the last gamer I was with (9 years ago now) and he was trully unaware that he did it. He was in love with love and had a long line of romantic corpses behind him.

    The ones in denial were the worse ones…

    I did get involved with them at the time (silly me! Serious self esteem issues at the time) despite what my intuition told me.

    When the stories fizzled out (quickly as stories with these men do), I learned to stick to what my instincts told me.

    It feels shallow or lacking somehow, sensorially/bodily, to be in proximity with them.

    I actually got to be really good at identifying them within the first hour (tops) of meeting them.

    My dad was a smooth operator as a young man and man (till his 60s.) I find he is much less like that in his 70s.

    He has some nice bits yet he was a (smooth) predator and a real charmer.

    Guess we’re I got my penchant for these men when in my 20s and 30s? Hehe

  16. Oh yes my former crush. He gradually warmed up to me. I’m aries venus, just had to look him directly in the eyes, be warm and forward, combained with soft and shy and serious, and he was so hooked. He flirted like crazy after 1 month of me being the way I was.

    Started to touch my arm, innocently, hand brushes etc. He was low key but definetly flirting like crazy. Super charming in a libra way.

    He has for ex Venus in Libra. Neptune-moon aspect. Mars-Venus square. And Uranus-venus sextile.

    I think he liked the feeling of “falling in love”. Those innocent first stages of flirting. The rush you get, that dopamin kick just by gazing into one others eyes.

    He was so obvious, for aroound 3 weeks. Then he stopped gradually. And now 1 year later, he is nothing like the way he was in the initial stages. He is often stone walling me with his saturnian selfe. He seems cold and/or insecure.

    Its like, he was a cat playing with his pray, but after catching the prey, he does not know what to do with it, so he leaves it on the ground, totally uninterested

    • I don’t think he had “bad intentions”. He used me to get dopamin kicks. Have a little dreamy innocent flirting just all. He had no intentions to let it develop, he wanted to live in that moment, that bubble. And when reality hit, he was like “oh sorry not intrested, I just wanted an escape and a bit of fun for some period”.

      It sucks, and I was responsible aswell. I knew it would end like that. That he would not be able too keep that up. It would break at some point, and it did.

      I’m still obsessed by him though..

  17. I think I first heard the term “hungry ghost” from another Elsa post. Its what came to mind when reading this.

    I have met several, some men, but mostly women. The main thing that Ive noticed is that they seem to think that they are really gifting the other person with their presence, combined with a lack of desire to take responsibility for anything.

    And theres kind of this attitude like “well, if they are stupid enough to fall for it, then they deserve what they get”. I think its really perverse and twisted and indicates a truly fractured person.

    But I wonder about the neediness of the other person in the equation too. Theres a fracture there too, that matches up with the perpetrators.

    • ‘And theres kind of this attitude like “well, if they are stupid enough to fall for it, then they deserve what they get”. I think its really perverse and twisted and indicates a truly fractured person.’

      I agree,Libra Noir.

      ‘But I wonder about the neediness of the other person in the equation too. Theres a fracture there too, that matches up with the perpetrators.’

      I agree with this too as in my case I was fractured and needy.

      • Thanks for understanding what I was trying to say. Sorry you had to go through that though.

        I think it has a profound impact.

        Just another thought I had:
        I also think about how these people always think they are winning something and the other person is losing something. When it really undermines both parties innocence. They sell themselves short, and I think somewhere in their being, they know this, but that knowledge makes the void even more poignant. I know Im painting a dark picture but I do see it as a very dark practice, as far as the perp goes. I think the victims pathology is real, but much less dark. They both have a desire to be loved, and are both using eachother, but the perpetrator is driving the thing and the karma incurred by that leadership role being abused is very binding.

        • Wow. You really have a way of putting these deep and complex human dynamics in writing.

          The undermining of innocence. The mutual using. The greater void felt afterwards. The similar pathology/issues in the predator and the victim. The shadow…

          Glad I got off that track. It was the last two gamers (the ones who were more unaware of their actions) that changed me.

          What Elsa referred to in a post a while back regarding many women having a bad/demeaning experience that changes how they go about love/sex/both. That happened to me with them.

          All the things you wrote above, I felt.

          Thanks for your words.

          Got 8th house planets and a moon pluto aspect so in the end I changed for the better. Phew.

          • Glad you were able to use that transformative energy. I think when you recognize what truly went down in the situation, its the only thing to do or else youll go insane/die of a broken heart.

    • hmm maybe not fractured (sorry not familiar with that term?) but like, both of the are actually pursuers and pursued.

      Its a dynamic and its ever so interchanging. Both gains something from this. Both gets ego boost, feels desired and better self esteem etc. Also all that chemicals in the brain thats been relieased. Its like being a drug addict. Being high on brain made cocaine! Of course you can’t blame only one person.

      • Yes thank you, thats what I was trying to say. I hold no judgement towards the one thats played. Ive been played (similar situation but not exact). And because I was sick of it happening I was forced to look at myself…because thats all the power that I have at my disposal. Neverending for me.

        And, I think everyone is fractured (out of alignment/lost/out of touch with their spirit) to some degree. Were here in this realm to rectify those dissonances, I think? Undo karma.

  18. An aquarius, venus in aquarius cj sun mercury,trine moon in gemini.Moon also square sarurn and chiron.Mars in pisces cj lilith, square moon and neptune. My aqua moon fell for the online game for a while. Now that I think of it, I think a gemini moon is a signature for gamers (I’m a double sag)

  19. I too know of a man like this, but through my friend. She was the one being flirted with, and she was devastetad when he stopped. The thing was, he was already in a relationship!

    My friend told me his birthdate. Aries moon contact to neptune. Libra venus contact to uranus.

    The thing is, he was in a relationship at the time, he had been with a girl for 5 years, had a “ring” on his finger and all. He was not engaged, just a silver ring on his left ring finger, his girlfriend made him wear to signal to others he was taken.

    My friend says it was all innocent friendlyness and turned into flirting very soon bc, chemistry. His style was according to my friend, very friendly and outgoing, flirty also innocently touchy. The thing is, he also made sure to bring up his girlfriend at least once a day while flirting with my friend. She was so irritated by this haha!

    He would flirt like crazy and out of smallest reasons mention his Gf in conversation. It was like he either

    1- Wanted to tell her, he was just flirting and not in love so to speak.
    2- We are just having fun, just so you know
    or 3- He wanted to and needed to remind himself he was taken.

    I told my friend he is just bored and wanted excitement.

    Soon enough he had stopped fliting with my friend, begun to just act like a normal guy friend, and with that also stopped mentioning his GF all the time lol.

    Talk about being transperant as hell!

    I jus can’t stand guys just looking for excitement, toying with others feelings! Just F off!

  20. Yes, a guy at work was giving me the eye for weeks. When I gave him my phone number it stopped and I realized he had a gf. That asshole

  21. I’m dealing with my boyfriends ex wife who does this. As soon as he is happy he says she resurfaces and tries to lure him back. But never has any intentions of getting him back just wants to see if he will still bite. I’m aware of these types of people so I nipped it in the bud early on and it has her so angry she has tried to ruin our lives bc I won’t let her interfere. Boundaries. None at all with his one. But like others said if he is stupid enough to play into it u get what u deserve after awhile. Anyone know how to stop someone from this type of behavior or any suggestions on how to deal with it.

    • “But like others said if he is stupid enough to play into it u get what u deserve after awhile.”

      I’m a bit softer on someone who is a victim of this if they’re in a weak state of mind, like a weak time in their life.

      • I agree anonymoushermit I’m a softee myself but I’m talking about someone who goes thru it with the same person over and over again. Fool me once shame on me fool me twice that old saying…..

    • It’s a really difficult behaviour to shift as the change and effort need to come from the gamer.

      If these people have a deeply narcissistic wound (caused in early childhood to their core self and reinforced by further wounds inflicted to them), then they will keep using the defences (conscious and unconscious) they’ve learned to use to get these ego strokes or some sense of importance in search of feeling validated/important. The defences protect them from the core problem (narcissistic wound and basic shame around their core self) so awareness that change is needed doesn’t tend to come.

      If there is a crack, an opportunity, then a humbling experience, or a very painful experience as a result of their actions, or some real feedback from someone they trust could get the person to take a look at themselves. If they are into some sort of self-exploration, even if it’s on a minimum basis, there could be some improvements.

      The above goes for both parties.

      Many people like this really are a lost cause due to the pervasiveness of their defences to ward off the feelings of shame and pain. If the effectiveness of these defences persists then there is little motivation to change in the person.

      I’d say the strategy is to move on (if the cost/benefit doesn’t match) or to keep strong boundaries – like you’re doing. All the best, Jess.

  22. I have known this guy for years.
    I have a certain respect for him , he has held a night job for 20 years 10-8 blows me away,policeofficer the one you want to be responding.
    As well as a run a company ,heavy
    Equipment for 25+ hard worker and does not complain ,9-4,dark ,tired serious eyes, powerful
    He was sending messages via Facebook for 4 months,(I was onFB
    )I finally figured
    Out messenger ;well was delighted
    With his interest,so we hooked up!!
    Amazing, but I not prepared to chase?or rather call, bother, his world so full mine starts crazy early
    He called 1 week later double wow
    He called 2weeks later homerun
    Then 3-4 weeks just incredible
    So am I playing him or is he playing me or is it ok to be cautious?
    He is15 years younger!
    I think of him constantly
    But I am nervous ,hate to think either
    Of us playing one another, our work
    Schedules, and phone service out
    Where I am sketchy I feel lucky afraid to push my luck,so what’s the

    • It’s sounds like a normal courting to me. I believe we were speaking more on terms of people who don’t want to go out with you once they have your attention. They only do it to see if they can catch u so to speak.

  23. No, I haven’t met anyone like this, with the conscious intention of gaming just to know thay can get you. (Or?)
    But I have known a rather narcissistic guy, with somewhat the same results. It’s just that he didn’t act with clear & deliberate intentions. His main interest is himself! The rest is just a byproduct…
    This mainly works with people who have less self-esteem than the perp. But perhaps they also try to get bigger fish? Bigger thrills?

  24. OMG! So true for me! I’m a relationship sex person and make that clear but I attract these types like nobody’s business! It’s hard to hide my attraction and it’s like I can’t stop myself from falling. Better to base attraction on common interests I guess.

  25. this actually sounds like ALOT of people on the selfie movement. lol
    Looking hot and beautiful and look at me i’m gorgeous, and they have alot of admirers…but in truth they don’t want anyone to get “deeply” involved with them romantically. They are like, stay the hell away, i’m not gonna get serious with you feeling. But hey you can admire me and love me. 😀 Hopefully it stays like that with the admirers, just admiring from far away. lol if they get too close, they might burn.

  26. God yes. He liked to turn women on to turn them down. Capricorn sun, Venus Mars conjunct, Pluto square Ascendant. He even admitted to such behavior ‘subconsciously.’ The women he targeted all looked the same too, as if there was someone from his past who drove such behavior. Like some revenge schtick, or someone he had to ‘own’.

  27. Yes, i have had this pattern show up in non dating situation to, in friendships they want you to want to be their friend, then they give the care you gave to them in love bombing to someone else. It occurred to me through rose colored glasses, Then there are men, who i think either they want me to think they want me, but are 2 line dialogue, nothing moves past it. Cat & mouse games. I have mars in gemini 7th house, pluto in 12th house, 8th house south node jupiter. I am careful with these cat & mouse people, but here is the big problem once they want you to want them, they dont want you to be happy either if you have realized, whom they are..and go after people you know (mars in 7th house)/Pluto in 12th house. I dont know how to outlive these personas in dating/friendships. What they are after is maybe i am wrong is dominance, control, and they want you to be in a Neptune state, confuse the shit out of you and this is amusing to them. It escalates, then nice version shows up. The most “intimate conversation” you will ever get though, here is the kicker are 5 or 15 minutes, even in months or years you have known them. I cant disconnect fully from these people, because i am in a community, where everyone knows each other 6 degrees apart, but i can simply, know, who they are, and, those, who they go after i have to let go…not their plaything. I have met these types through business partnerships, dating, and “friendships”. Pluto/Mars + covert stalking isnt fun…and they circle you like vultures. So it depends how bad is this “gamer”..and the pre “plans” they made, when they wanted you to want them. I also have Lilith on my Ascendant conjunct 12th house! either way i am screwed, when people like that show up…maybe sifting through them, learning to let go is the best way? even if they go after other women in your circle? You can warn them, but they can be so charming, its hard to explain this, unless this has already happened to an acquaintance or a friend, for them to believe the red flags…and you are not doing it out of spite to hurt them somehow.

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