I’m a lucky person, and the most part my life now is good. My partner and I are getting married shortly and I feel like I’m finally at a place of happiness and nurture and trust. A lot of the future looks nice – we’re young and happy and our cat doesn’t scratch the furniture.
A part of me looks forward to just relaxing a while, without worrying about survival or self-protection… but a part of me is anxious about children. Before I met my partner, I was sure I didn’t want any babies. But he wants kids, and through the course of our relationship I have been getting steadily more broody.
I am a bit conflicted about the idea of motherhood. My own relationship with my mother is extremely conflicted, and I fear that I would be a bad mother to my child because I know how physically/mentally/challenging motherhood can be. I really worry that I would resent my kids, or want to abandon them. I experienced a lot of abandonment as a child, and it’s left scars.
I worry mostly that I won’t really be able to connect emotionally with my child, that I won’t know how to be truly playful with them – because connecting with children is not something that comes naturally to me.
A paranoid Scorpio Moon who really enjoys your blog.
Dear Scorpio Moon,
I am going to be candid and say that I feel you need to resolve this before you marry. Because when a person wants kids… they pretty much want kids. And if the two of you can’t come together on this, well it’s a hell of a compromise to ask in either direction.
Outside of that, in a generic way, please read this old blog “Scorpio Mom” that I wrote for a gal with a new baby who was afraid she would mess up her kid. Because you seem to have some similar feelings. But your case is very different.
Where she has the baby, you are deeply ambivalent about ever winding up in her shoes. And your chart reflects this in many ways, but I want to just hit up the main thing here because it seems possible this could release you.
You mention your Scorpio Moon, but you fail to mention that your Moon (Mommy) is conjunct Uranus (freedom) which dramatically alters the situation. Uranus always wants a lot of space. It cannot suffer restriction, so maybe you can see how this is reflected in your post. If you have kids you’re going to be screwed, blued, tattooed. And to an extent, this is true. But this is the point I want to make:
If you decide to have children, you do not have to be a traditional “Mommy”, however you might define that. And this might be one of the things that has you stuck. Thinking erroneously there is a way “mommies” need to behave.
What I think mommies need to do is be authentic. And if you had children, you would need some time away from them… period. And I don’t think this is a negative thing at all.
I know I need time away from my kids and they know it too. Because I tell them! I communicate this. And I think they benefit. My daughter sees she can have children and still have a life and some independence. My son learns that just because a woman has children, this does not mean she is dead! How can that be bad?
Well it would be bad if I neglected my kids, but I don’t. I just make it plainly clear to them that I am an individual, same as them. And we all have personalities that need to be appreciated and accommodated.
So I just wanted to put this in your hopper. The idea that if you decide to be a mother (Moon), you can make your own rules (Uranus). You can innovate! And I don’t believe your children will suffer. They may say, “My mother was a freak”; but if you love them while you’re doing your own thing, when they say it they’ll be smiling.
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