I’m a lucky person, and the most part my life now is good. My partner and I are getting married shortly and I feel like I’m finally at a place of happiness and nurture and trust. A lot of the future looks nice – we’re young and happy and our cat doesn’t scratch the furniture.
A part of me looks forward to just relaxing a while, without worrying about survival or self-protection… but a part of me is anxious about children. Before I met my partner, I was sure I didn’t want any babies. But he wants kids, and through the course of our relationship I have been getting steadily more broody.
I am a bit conflicted about the idea of motherhood. My own relationship with my mother is extremely conflicted, and I fear that I would be a bad mother to my child because I know how physically/mentally/challenging motherhood can be. I really worry that I would resent my kids, or want to abandon them. I experienced a lot of abandonment as a child, and it’s left scars.
I worry mostly that I won’t really be able to connect emotionally with my child, that I won’t know how to be truly playful with them – because connecting with children is not something that comes naturally to me.
A paranoid Scorpio Moon who really enjoys your blog.
Dear Scorpio Moon,
I feel you need to resolve this before you marry. Because when a person wants kids… they pretty much want kids. And if the two of you can’t come together on this, well it’s a hell of a compromise to ask in either direction.
Outside of that, in a generic way, please read this old blog “Scorpio Mom” that I wrote for a gal with a new baby who was afraid she would mess up her kid. Because you seem to have some similar feelings. But your case is very different.
Where she has the baby, you are deeply ambivalent about ever winding up in her shoes. And your chart reflects this in many ways, but I want to just hit up the main thing here because it seems possible this could release you.
You mention your Scorpio Moon, but you fail to mention that your Moon (Mommy) is conjunct Uranus (freedom) which dramatically alters the situation. Uranus always wants a lot of space. It cannot suffer restriction, so maybe you can see how this is reflected in your post. If you have kids you’re going to be screwed, blued, tattooed. And to an extent, this is true. But this is the point I want to make:
If you decide to have children, you do not have to be a traditional “Mommy”, however you might define that. And this might be one of the things that has you stuck. Thinking erroneously there is a way “mommies” need to behave.
What I think mommies need to do is be authentic. And if you had children, you would need some time away from them… period. And I don’t think this is a negative thing at all.
I know I need time away from my kids and they know it too. Because I tell them! I communicate this. And I think they benefit. My daughter sees she can have children and still have a life and some independence. My son learns that just because a woman has children, this does not mean she is dead! How can that be bad?
Well it would be bad if I neglected my kids, but I don’t. I just make it plainly clear to them that I am an individual, same as them. And we all have personalities that need to be appreciated and accommodated.
So I just wanted to put this in your hopper. The idea that if you decide to be a mother (Moon), you can make your own rules (Uranus). You can innovate! And I don’t believe your children will suffer. They may say, “My mother was a freak”; but if you love them while you’re doing your own thing, when they say it they’ll be smiling.
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!
this was beautiful.
It even made me misty, because it innovates a new perspective around my Own fears overe here, of being a mother (and losing myself – or not) one day.
Wow – great post. I’m on vacation 🙂 so can’t check my chart, but from memory I think I also have both Moon & Uranus in Scorpio and even though I’m not currently in a relationship, I’ve always been conflicted about having kids as well! Though the thought of adopting somehow seems more appealing in some ways – I wonder if its because at some bizarre level, this is still not exactly “conventional” while still satisfying my Cancer Sun? Interesting stuff – thanks Elsa!
Use Moon-Uranus aspects to become an Astrological Mom. Uranus is closely associated with astrology. While the Moon shows what kind of mother we can be and grew up with, the *child’s chart* shows how they experience mother.
Example. My Mom’s Taurus Moon is ‘all jacked up’. My Moon is conjunct the benefic planets in a ‘good times’ house. My sister has an 8th house Moon with close aspects from Mars, Saturn and Pluto. We both have an aspect to Neptune. One of us has a much better opinion of, and relationship with, Mom.
Q: Who is it?
A: Me. Surprise!
We can use a strong Uranus to get astrological insight into a child’s needs, be aware of potential perceptions, and energize the positive expression of our planets.
Recommended reading for Astro Moms.
-Maria Simms, Your Magical Child.
Here’s a cached copy of an excellent, hard to find article. [for intermediate astrologers]
-Kim Farnell, Astrology and the Young Child
connecting with your own child is much different than connecting with children in general. i had similar concerns before becoming a parent because, to be honest, i don’t care much for kids. my favorite kid quote before having one: “children are no good until they are old enough to threaten.”
i’ve found that parenthood is a huge growing experience. while you’re considering it, don’t base your decisions on the notion you can’t measure up just because you had a difficult childhood. your relationship with your own child is yours, and does not have to be a repeat of what you experienced.
good luck on making that big decision, and on your relationship.
Speaking as someone who just became a mom (and as someone who is afraid of restricted freedom), I think you’ll come to discover your own power and strength and that there is nothing more important in life that you could be doing besides raising a child. Your mental and emotional health is also extremely important, and striking a balance is what you’ll have to do. I am working on that now.
Don’t make the mistake that I did and assume, as Elsa commented on, that you have to be a certain type of mom. You have to be yourself and be the kind of mom that you feel comfortable about. Don’t force it. I’m not the same type of mom my mother is, and that’s OK (Tm Stuart Smalley…I guess you’d have to look that SNL skit up).
I think you’ll be a great mom, especially since you care about the kind of life you and your child would have.
Kudos and Wishes for the best,
Elsa, thank you for the answer – insightful as always.
Thank you also to the other commenters for the thoughts and experience and links shared – all most useful and soothing.
“I am going to be candid and say that I feel you need to resolve this before you marry.”
It’s a good point. In a way we did I think, from even the beginning when I realised that his desire to have children was greater than my ambivalence about it and he agreed to my terms (supporting me all throughout the process, doing 50% of the work, heeding warnings about the possibility of postnatal depression and my dire warning that if he expects me to be a stay-at-home mom he is just as likely to find the baby delivered to his office in a basket and me on the nearest train to Scotland).
Of course I know that life and parenting cannot be controlled and that I may cope better than I think, and that he may not be understanding fully what I am asking him to do. But at least I’ve tried to address it as much as I can – hoping that in planning for the darkest scenario life will pleasantly surprise us both.
I think you are ver right in what you said of not being afraid to be innovative – that I do cripple myself with ideas of conventional motherhood and the knowledge that I may never measure up to the standards of that.