Competing With A Person’s Fantasy

neptune pendantYou can think about this is a romantic context but I don’t think it’s limited to one type of relationship. Some people live in such a fantasy world, your humanness can only let them down.

A person can idealize a lover or a friend, but they can also idealize a job or a place.

When you get mixed up with someone like this, prepare to be a disappointment to them at some point..

Who can relate?

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Competing With A Person’s Fantasy — 33 Comments

  1. welcome to my world….my husband the cancer has 4 planets in cancer and all in the 12 th house…and me with 3 in pisces and both of us venus opp Neptune!! about 6 years after we married we had a fight and he said” your nothing like I thought you were before we married”..it took him the 4 yrs we were engaged and 6 yrs after marriage to figure that out?..he said the way I talked he thought I was a musician or into musical very heavy..ha,I just like to listen to music.but we are still together 37 years later.

  2. I hate the feeling. It’s like you should know better than to say or do something, or you should think of something you didn’t think of. You’ve missed a cue, you’re not sensitive…in fact you’re straight up obtuse! And a person might forgive you your shortcomings, but only because they’re special/high-minded/angelic or some such thing.

  3. Probably about 5 years ago I started reconnecting with my siblings and father. This was how the fantasy was born inside my head and heart of what life would look like if I happened to be living around them. This how a 3 year process began to get my husband and our children moved out of Florida back to the state we were both from.

    It’s been almost two years since we moved, and it has been very rough. Every single one of my old dreams or fantasies has crashed and burned. Looking back now, I can see how much I romanticized it all, and I feel extreme guilt over it. You have no idea. I can connect the dots and I can see how/why it started.

    But nothing has panned out the way I thought it would. It seems like I am more distant from my family now then two years ago, which was the major reason for moving. I don’t like the place we were forced to settle; it is nowhere near a major city, and I have been unable to find work. All of our money is gone. We are trying to sell our house back in Florida, but we’ll never buy another house again because of our ruined credit.

    I don’t know. I had a beautiful house in a place that many say is pretty damn close to paradise. I was less than 10 miles from the ocean. Still no jobs, but…life seemed better then, somehow. I know I wasn’t really happy there either, but it was a different type of misery, if that makes any sense. We almost decided to kick out the tenants and just move back, but with my husband’s job in CT, it’s just not possible.

    I just feel I wish I could understand all this. How could I have been so foolish? When has my family ever done anything supportive or acted the way you should act? I should have damn well known better. I was such an idiot to think that paradise meant moving back up to where I escaped from.

    I just wish I could understand why.

    • @Goldie, think the “why” is you are just gathering the knowledge you need to know something. You need to know this something to make the right Big Move. [I believe all lives contain at least one Big Move and I don’t mean with a truck.]

      At school we don’t learn it all in class levels 101, or 202, That’s why we have to take and get through 311 and 404, eh? Same w Life, in my opinion. So the move you made was, say, the 202. Your awareness now is 311 — two semesters, 311 and 312. What are you learning? Do you want to switch majors or get your PhD?

      I have literally stared death in the face twice. From that, I rethought a lot of things I thought I knew in a microsecond. Life, IMO, isn’t about your credit or house. Those are find things to have and nurture, I don’t mean that!! But – I just mean, I think, I am sure, it’s about more than we are taught it is. (Which you know, which is why you read this site, maybe? I found this site in a dark time post-surgery, 70 hr weeks in a strange city, two friends had suddenly died….this site reminded me of a lot of things I’d forgotten I knew, so to speak.]

      What I can say right now: (a) You are always near the ocean, it’s in your heart (I revive at the ocean too and live far from one at the moment also.) No one can take the ocean soul out of you. I think it is all about, how you live, hour by hour, near an ocean, what you think about, how fast or slow you walk, how your shoulders unlock — [SHOULDER CHECK: RIGHT NOW CAN YOU PAUSE AND “LOWER” or “UNHUNCH” YOUR SHOULDERS? DO SO, then a bit MORE. WELCOME BACK TO OCEANSIDE GOLDIE, part one.] Start to….pretend you are living at the ocean in how you proceed hourly, pace, food, thoughts. Try it.

      (b) We ALL make romanticizes maybe dopey moves! That’s called life. Don’t beat yourself up. Look at what you are learning. During my Saturn return I made a dumb move, sort of stripped me broke and down — but oh my GOD once I looked around, i learned so much and really found my core self clearly in this sort of stripped-down raw low moment and GREW. I now thank goodness I was knocked bare to find what i found. Look around, with “I am broke in a remote French village” eyes. See not a place of “no hope, nothing, desert” but a weird remote area in a movie and what is REALLY in there? Write about it. Your posts are great and I can see you running a blog for the the 100s of other women stuck in remote or “nothing for me”-seeming places in need of friends and support. BLOGS ARE FREE, like at google, think about it.

      (C.) you can do medical billing work at home from anywhere. I have a couple of friends living sort of nowhere and they do this, and make an okay living and it helped them feel better and less stressed! You can quickly learn the codes online via youtube or a course.

      (d) I think….you seem creative and giving and there is something for you out there. I don’t think that….hm…when we make all our decisions based on “what bad thing may happen” or “choking family/negative people’s antics” or “I am paired to someone who won’t take care of himself and his choices imprison my choices and scope”….I don’t think you build a positive life by reacting to negatives or worries or the bad choices of others. I think you have it within you, tiny step by step, to feed your soul and build a stunning surprising life by working with what you have now: creativity, an oceanside soul, free blog options, and a voice and story many would relate to.

  4. its Always good to tell your future significant other who you really are, the bad and the good: so there’s no confusion, and complaints, even with all the watery planets.

      • I can identify with you too, Goldie. My husband and I are starting to talk about moving ‘back home’ … the fantasy and the reality don’t usually fit but we’re exploring the possibilities and opening up conversation with our family back in Hawaii. Neptune-Jupiter-Saturn, yeah interesting, but not easy. We’ll see …

          • Did not know I had a ‘tumultuous family background’ I was going to have to contend with. Part of the trip I guess. I thought I was just buying a house and a piece of land that I always liked. Surprise! 20 years to clear the crap. But alot of good stuff too, like not family stuff. Friggin secret, who knew?

  5. Goldie, you mentioned that your husband works in CT, but that’s not where you live. How about a goal of moving there once the FL house sells? Not where CT is really expensive, but northwestern or central CT, there are some lovely small towns there. Could that work for your husband’s job?

    • it could, theoretically. i’ve been there a lot the past year, enough to know i do not belong in the westport area at all. the psychic/tarot reader i met up there back in july said she kept thinking northwest for me…although northwest could be northwest of the country or northwest of philadelphia, if you know what i mean.

      she gave me recommendations, saying once you get out of (is it fairfield county?) it’s more normal…but i am having a lot of problems with the cold. so to me, i need to go south, not north…

      but either way, we cannot afford to move. if his employer told him he had to move, we would move, but it would have to be on their dime.

      i haven’t seen the ocean in about 2 years, and it’s like starving…but maybe that’s just because i haven’t been able to get rooted here. but i know i don’t belong where i am; i’m not a city girl, i’m not a farm girl…not suburban, either.

    • darn i don’t know what happened, i wrote a long response to you and it’s not here now…

      so far his employer has told my husband that he doesn’t need to move. where we are now is farmland, which is fine, but i cannot find work here. the benefit of being here is in the case of medical emergencies, someone from my family can be here in an hour or so (we’ve had a lot of medical emergencies).

      if his employer covered all the costs of moving, i would be fine with it, but i know my children would be upset. my eldest is starting middle school this year, and has just gotten into a groove with school and friends. so that even further compounds my feeling of being stuck.

      my husband’s health is the key factor in all of this. it’s been very up and down. he doesn’t take care of himself as he should, he won’t eat right, he won’t exercise. he’s having all sorts of problems with medication.

      so i feel that it’s best for my children and myself to be closer to my family at this point in the game because if something final were to happen. it’s so complicated.

  6. Story of my life. I think my venus trine asc and libra sun allow men especially to put me on a pedastel. I knock myself down as quickly as I can to show them how real and raw I am. ( scorpio stellium). I always end up feeling like a disappointment but I’m learning a two fold lesson. One side is that I am human and I deserved to be loved for who I am, not for my breasts or my twinkly blue eyes. The other is that I don’t need to self destruct for someone to love me for who I am. I am beautiful. But it’s not in the way that is most obvious. All of that will unfold as it will. I don’t need to do much.

  7. I deal with people all day long. I enjoy them. But I got conned yesterday. It was a tough request, an unusual situation, and I spend over a half hour making what was requested a reality. Only to find out that wasn’t what the person really wanted at all. I’ve only had one other call like that in the past 3 three months since on the job. I have to admit I was disheartened. I suppose it was because I put in the heart and sweat to go to bat for her. The moment it was resolved it was something else. I did it for her child. Yup she played the child card. It’s so twisted, I can’t even go there. A small time con, and I don’t even know what she really wanted but to muscle me around. I suppose that is human? It’s just when things are so twisted, I can’t make sense of it. And yes, I disconnect from those. There are so many people that are interested in clear communication or working to get there, that’s the good part.

    And myself, I suck at facade. And people have told me they are disappointed in me when I don’t buy onto their schemes. ‘I am so disappointed in you’. I’ve heard it. It’s been said flat out. And all I can say, is who made you god? There are times when I have to say no because it is the wrong thing to do. My conscience you know. Gotta live with myself. I do think I have a right to decide what to do and what not to do, even when they imply I owe them loyalty. Right, like I am supposed to sell my soul. They can do what they want, but I don’t have to buy on. I don’t expect people to be straight shooters, so I don’t have to be disappointed. But the twisted pit, I have to veer away from it to maintain sanity.

  8. I suppose the con’s fantasy is that I will buy on. And they are disappointed when I don’t. Their projection, not mine.

  9. This is an interesting concept I have a tendancy to idealize my husband and our relationship I do the same with our family as a whole but I am oddly aware of it so when something happens that is inconsistant with the idealized perception I chaulk it up to that as opposed to being disappointed in him or our relationship or our family I simply acknowledge my idealization of the situation. I also don’t agrue in defense of the idealized perception when reality pushes in since I know I may be defending a dillusion. I have never considered this a problem, I actually think it makes me more forgiving.

  10. Some very interesting stories here, as well as advice and experiences form the heart (thank you for yours, Goldie, I truly wish you well, I did exactly that 10 years ago, I returned to my family place only to realise the sad truth. I then returned to the place I left and have managed to rebuild, not without pain of course, but it’s more solid and acceptable [Saturn, I guess].) At the moment I’m dealing with poeple in a community project who I completely misread (the fantasy) I don’t know why these people fail not to see the potential for the needy but rather try to use me for their own ego trips – my resources and skills. But I’m not having any of it, I’m waiting it out until I can make this project work for the needy, Saturn is conjunct my neptune in scorpio in sixth house so I’ve literally ‘seen it all’ lately – painful truth revealed but at least I know where I stand, who I’m dealing with, what the possibilities are. Fantasy just crashed, I guess it did for them too. With saturn square neptune coming up next year I suppose I haven’t seen the last of this fog .

  11. This is great to think about. Am enjoying thinking about fantasy. Like what do I want to happen. In my world, without any buyers on. Can I make it happen? Overall, it’s all fine. I like it. Mine is more a tightening up of my act. Those details that pull it together more. It’s not that they are really really necessary but would be the icing on the cake so to speak. I’ve read that jupiter neptune can be very duping so I continue to focus on where I am in the moment so I don’t get any on me. I do so want to believe. Sometimes to my detriment. Anyway, fantasy, a great topic to chew on.

    • Now I am laughing at myself. Wanting (mars) to believe (in pisces) opposite jupiter (beliefs) in virgo (jupiter’s detriment). Froggy all right. Details details. Pay attention me. Gotta keep my virgo on. Maybe that is virgo’s thing, gotta think, gotta analyze, gotta work it through. Bleah!!

  12. Life is pretty good, waking part is the reality that I am alone now. Good job, ok life. I just wish for more. I suppose it will come..

  13. I read about the relationship advice one mother gave her daughters “speak up! Speak up! The only person you’ll alienate is your future ex-husband”

    I loved that 😀

  14. Oh my, I have a knack for finding men with Venus opposite Venus … When the dissapointment-moment happens, usually the relationship is over. Or its beginning its slow climb towards the end, because … HOW DARE I BE A FLAWED HUMAN BEING!!!

    My mother has the exact same opposition.
    I have always felt I had to fit into her little, square box for how to behave, look and BE as a person. As I refuse to be anything or anyone else than ME, I have had a big issue with self worth my whole life.

    In my early years I tried to be “anything others would want” – an emotional chameleon. Obviously this didn’t work.
    Then I went in the other direction, which did not work either.
    At last I started working on myself and took better care of me, loving myself.

    Funnily enough, this attracted people who was just as quirky as me – so that’s what I am sticking to these days. Love my quirks and if that makes me flawed, human and intolerable, I would rather be authentic than fake to fit into someone’s perception or (Neptunian) ideal!

  15. All the qualities someone finds attractive are usually the ones they are missing/opposite from. You adjust to their routines and interests to grow close and then they wake up one day and say you aren’t the person they married? Well no kidding. The life and experiences you share can build you up and tear you down! Only a person who never compromised for love or made adjustments would remain the exact same person. That’s why it’s important to recognize their influence on you.

    • James, “That’s why it’s important to recognize their influence on you.” – so true. Thank you for pointing this out. We do become more like the people we share most of our time with…

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