Do All Your Relationships End The Same Way? Changing Negative Patterns In Love

Libra scalesDo all your relationships end in betrayal or disappointment? Are you always rejected and left angry, regardless of who you interact with? Ultimately, do you reject everyone you try to partner with? It’s a sick feeling when you realize that all your relationships end in the same way.

If you have this problem, it seems impossible to find a way out. You probably think you’re cursed. Other people are lucky. You’re not. No matter what you do, the thing happens over and over and over again.

People fall into patterns like this when they fail to examine their own behavior. If it is happening to you over and over again, you are most definitely involved. You may not want to look in the mirror and see this. You may also be surrounded by people who encourage you to continue failing for their own reasons.

You can break a pattern like this by evaluating your end of the deal. For example, if you were traumatized by an alcoholic parent and you chose partners who have problems with addiction who also traumatize you, this is not a curse, it’s choice you make. If you choose to avoid people with addictions, you’ll break your pattern.

To solve a problem like this, first you have to identify exactly what it is that is happening over and over. There are numerous patterns that people form in relationship and you may have more than one.

As an example, a woman might constantly pick a dependent man, and then get pissed off because she’s paying the bills. A man might chose a woman with low morals and then complain he’s been cheated on…yet again. A person may ultimately be disappointed by every person with whom they interact, not realizing they are dissatisfied with all aspects of their life.

Once you’ve identified the pattern, try to see  how profoundly involved you are in the process and consider what you might do about it. Consider that if you choose ten alcoholics in a row, it’s obvious you can spot an alcoholic. You have this skill and you’re using it to repeat your trauma. The same skill can allow you to dodge someone who drinks to excess if this is what you want.

Or let’s say, everyone betrays you. Are you trustworthy yourself? Are you naive or do you have the tendency to delude yourself? Are you somehow complicit in the scenario?  If you look for things like this, you’re bound to find them.

If you do choose to break a pattern, there are four steps to take:

1. Identify the pattern that is causing you a problem.
2. Identify how you set yourself up.
2. Commit to taking a new course.
3. Follow through, even when the going gets rough.

If you do this, you’ll find yourself liberated from an oppressive pattern and free to chart a new course.

Have you ever overcome a negative pattern in relationships? What was the pattern and how did you quit?

 

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Comments

Do All Your Relationships End The Same Way? Changing Negative Patterns In Love — 25 Comments

  1. An intelligent, very likeable high school teacher friend fits this description. She is honest and has strong convictions–she doesn’t sugarcoat anything. Her peers/siblings dislike her for these traits and that’s where the ability to maintain relationships fails. I see her as a strong well-balanced adult and respect her for having all of the above. Yet, her high school seniors love her year-after-year (20yrs), return visits for her guidance&friendship are outstanding in popularity. Are people jealous of these traits? or are they truly turned off by a straightforward individual?

  2. windsaloft, probably a bit of both. I am just starting my career as a high school teacher and *know for a fact* that high schoolers can see right through appearances. If they love her and are coming back to see her, it is obvious that she is an authentic person with an authentic presence and command. I think some are are put off by that, while some are jealous. As for her peers (other teachers, I assume?), I have observed that (warning: generalization here) teachers can be very competitive individuals if they have a negative, immature personality. It is unfortunate though, because it could be an awesome working environment if people worked together instead of against eachother.

  3. The problem is when only the ‘bad ones’ are the ones that get your gears turning. You see that they are bad, you know how it will end, yet you are driven mad with passion for them…like it’s based in something deeper – something you cannot control. Then you actively seek out people without the problem, without the same tendencies and what you find is that they are boring, they aren’t that attractive to you, even repulse you.
    How to deal??

  4. My ‘pattern’ is somehow I end up with partners who are emotionally immature. I get burned every time.
    It’s an ongoing process, what I do now is recognize it much sooner and cut it off, what I used to do is delude myself and hang-in there.

  5. What a fantastic post. AWESOME, Elsa. 🙂

    And I love this:

    “Consider that if you choose ten alcoholics in a row, it’s obvious you can spot an alcoholic.”

  6. My pattern: I grew up as the oldest in that I was my mother’s deputy. She was often depressed and my dad was a workaholic (and I stongly suspect he is gay and the family was a ‘beard.’) I sorta figured all of this out pretty young and also became the go between the camps when they would fight.

    I married a man 12 years my senior with two kids and a mentally unstable ex. They came to live with us shortly after we were married and I lost all power in the marriage…the kids came first. I was a straw boss. I later met a married man who put his kids before me. He is 8 years older with grown children, but he wouldn’t leave because of his kids, who are all in their late 20s and early 30s.

    Both my ex and the married guy are Taurus, Virgo Rising. My Venus is in Taurus in my 7th.

    Yeah…patterns…. I am consciously going to make the decision to find a man that will put a relationship first. The respect and love of your kids are critical, but I have found that not putting your relationship first will erode your personal life together.

  7. My dear Libra friend, Billy: People are patterns.

    :nod:

    Thanks, Elsa. This is exactly what I am working on now, in myself, and the core premise of how I get through to many people for whom I do readings. I go through Chiron to short-cut the process. But that is another thread. 🙂

  8. Excellent advice and timing as Pluto and Uranus move into square and create a T with my 7th H(relationships) Pluto.

    @Eixziander … Chiron does help me navigate my un-doings but it’s rarely been a shorter passage through the murky water.

  9. The pattern is they end up moving away. This has happened to me three times in a row and is not only with boyfriends it happens in friendships too. I’m having trouble putting a finger on how I might be contributing to this bc its always for work/school etc. It’s been a painful process. I definitely can see that I have a fear of people moving away coming from my experiences but am not sure how it generates. Is this as simple as asking…do you plan on moving somewhere else any where soon? I have Venus in Scorpio in the first house.

  10. Excellent post again!

    Like LisLioness, I used to choose emotionally distant or unavailable men until I changed that pattern. I’m now married to someone who is very emotionally available.

    I can definitely use this advice to address some patterns of mine I’ve noticed that need to be broken. I need to do a root cause analysis.

  11. I broke mine by stopping having relationships. Whether that’s good or not, I don’t know…cold turkey is a good cure as long as you don’t get anywhere near the booze.

  12. I have a stellium in 7th Sag with Saturn on descendant, and mars and Uranus conj at the galactic center. My Saturn pushes me into serious relationships with Saturnian men and then at some point my Uranus mars pushes me to react and literal explode the relationship leaving them in shreds. I just married a man whose sun is conj my Saturn at the descendant and Juno and I know he’s the one but I keep having to tell that mars Uranus to chill out and stop wanting to do something radical like disappear to California

  13. Great topic Elsa.

    I am in a new relationship and watching all the fears and patterns emerge.Aiyaiai!!

    I was married young for ten years, then have had many years of non-committal type relationships.Now all my old stuff is resurfacing.

    Seeing a pattern is one thing, changing it is another. For instance I attract Peter Pan types. I am finally owning that as part of my own make up. So if I accept it and work with it in myself it stops being an issues in him (and in fact his behaviour seems to improve) Astrology helps a lot of course to see ones own patterns. (Pter Pan = Venus Gemini, Uranus conjunct Sun, Moon Sag)

    But also my Cancer Sun and Saturn in 1st house also make me quite parental.Lol!

    This new man is so like me he is a constant mirror. All the better for learning.

    I believe we attract what we need to learn. Once learned, either the relationship works better, or we walk away cause it has taught us what we needed to know.

  14. I am resurrecting this thread to see if anyone else has input on how to break these patterns. My pattern is sneaky in that it doesn’t reveal itself for about a year or two into a relationship. I spent 5 years alone ‘working on myself’ to try to break this pattern. And, all be darned if it didn’t happen again with my next relationship. Maybe it’s because my 7th house ruler is in my 1st, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s my destiny to be single.

  15. I think we can’t break a pattern until we succumb to its emotional charge as if it was an outer force,holding a grip on us.it works this way for me.
    for instance, if my attempt to break the pattern”I attract men incapable of loving me for who I am” failed,apparently.but I’m breaking it to pieces.the deeper layer is the emotional knot where I found myself entrenched ,which brings me back to something else.If I meet another man who’s clearly unavailable and I desperately feel like wanting him in my life, it’s not a failure in pattern-breaking, I’m being forced to dive deeper.
    I think very much depends on the origin of the pattern itself, so virtually any pattern can be changed,provided we identify its proper level,origin and emotional hold on us.
    take the “being single”idea…it doesn’t have the same meaning for everybody. for a friend of mine, according to her own words, it would be the loss of any social identity, for someone else it would be feeling deprived of material sustain or a sense of self.
    so breaking the pattern gets more and more involved, as we go deeper, its its opposite, that’s to say the benefits we get from keeping the pattern in place!
    for people who are relatively free from overcharged emotional complexes from the past, patterns can be broken even with one click, it’s up to us not to turn the comparison into the pattern”I’m a failure”.comparisons can kill,until we come to terms with the fact that each one of us comes from a different history and has different tools to learn.

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