Do all your relationships end in betrayal or disappointment? Are you always rejected and left angry, regardless of who you interact with? Ultimately, do you reject everyone you try to partner with? It’s a sick feeling when you realize that all your relationships end in the same way.
If you have this problem, it seems impossible to find a way out. You probably think you’re cursed. Other people are lucky. You’re not. No matter what you do, the thing happens over and over and over again.
People fall into patterns like this when they fail to examine their own behavior. If it is happening to you over and over again, you are most definitely involved. You may not want to look in the mirror and see this. You may also be surrounded by people who encourage you to continue failing for their own reasons.
You can break a pattern like this by evaluating your end of the deal. For example, if you were traumatized by an alcoholic parent and you chose partners who have problems with addiction who also traumatize you, this is not a curse, it’s choice you make. If you choose to avoid people with addictions, you’ll break your pattern.
To solve a problem like this, first you have to identify exactly what it is that is happening over and over. There are numerous patterns that people form in relationship and you may have more than one.
As an example, a woman might constantly pick a dependent man, and then get pissed off because she’s paying the bills. A man might chose a woman with low morals and then complain he’s been cheated on…yet again. A person may ultimately be disappointed by every person with whom they interact, not realizing they are dissatisfied with all aspects of their life.
Once you’ve identified the pattern, try to see how profoundly involved you are in the process and consider what you might do about it. Consider that if you choose ten alcoholics in a row, it’s obvious you can spot an alcoholic. You have this skill and you’re using it to repeat your trauma. The same skill can allow you to dodge someone who drinks to excess if this is what you want.
Or let’s say, everyone betrays you. Are you trustworthy yourself? Are you naive or do you have the tendency to delude yourself? Are you somehow complicit in the scenario? If you look for things like this, you’re bound to find them.
If you do choose to break a pattern, there are four steps to take:
1. Identify the pattern that is causing you a problem.
2. Identify how you set yourself up.
2. Commit to taking a new course.
3. Follow through, even when the going gets rough.
If you do this, you’ll find yourself liberated from an oppressive pattern and free to chart a new course.
Have you ever overcome a negative pattern in relationships? What was the pattern and how did you quit?