My Bad Temper Ruins My Relationships

Dear Elsa:

All my life I’ve struggled to find stability in relationships. I’ve gone from one relationship to the other. And when each one ends, I’ve had to begin from square one: moving, changing residence, etc.

I spent some three years single and extremely lonely. Then I fell in love with a guy and we spent two years together. Now that relationship has come to an end, due in large part to my increasingly rageful personality.

My behavior in this most recent relationship pains me greatly, because he was patient and loving. Of all the men I’ve been with, he most deserved my love. In a way, I feel that I’ve acted uncharacteristically harsh with him – even my sex drive vanished, something which had never happened before, even when I was fighting with a boyfriend all the time!!

I am feeling so sad and remorseful but also very terrified of my temper. I’ve been giving given serious thought to giving up love relationships altogether – they bring out the worst in me. Am I doomed?

Regards,
Werewolvine

Dear Werewolvine,

Woah. I admire you for writing this. It’s the kind of thing that is difficult to admit, so hardly anyone ever does. You’re a stand-up chick.

However, you’ve got to get your ass in gear, or else it’s going to be exactly as you fear. Because you’re too old for this shit, okay? You’re going on forty! Your acting-out days are done. Finished! Fini! And this is not me talking. This is what you need to be telling yourself. My job is to help you and I’ll try.

Number one, you need an outlet for your physical energy. See, I don’t think you have a “rageful personality”. What you have is tremendous energy and it’s your job to manage it. I don’t care what you do. Kickboxing is an obvious choice, but don’t mess around. Do this three times a week at least, and five or seven would be much, much better. Twice a day, if you have to.

Or you could run. And I don’t mean “jog”. I mean run. Run five, six, seven miles and hour until you get it out. Run until the tears come. Run until you feel something shift deep inside. Run until you break through.

Here’s the astrology: Mars in your chart (raw male energy / anger) is like a gun cocked and aimed at your Venus (love/relationships). And you see the result of that. You hunt these men, and kill them. You kill love. And you’re not going to be able to just stop. This is in your chart and then energy will play, one way or the other.

In my model you exert yourself (Mars) and get beautiful (Venus) in the process. In my model, your Mars is a heroic athlete who earns love (Venus).

In the same vein, if you haven’t already, I think you should assert yourself (Mars) and contact this last boyfriend (Venus) to apologize. Take responsibility for what you did to him. Not to get him back, but because it’s the right thing to do. Are you getting the picture here?

Grow up and be a hero. Now.

Good luck.

Do you take your anger out on your partner?

~~

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Comments

My Bad Temper Ruins My Relationships — 18 Comments

  1. I did once. As in, one single instance. It was misdirected jealousy/fear of inadequacy that I turned into “playful” anger. My Mars-Pluto…yikes. And I was really young when I acted this way. Took me until my late 20s to see it. I’m glad I did see it, though!

  2. I have mars on my descendant conjunct Venus but they are in different signs. Mars(Gemini) is also in square to pluto(Virgo). I have been given this same advice to exert my energy. I have also found that boxing has helped and giving massages to my boyfriend has exerted the energy too.

  3. Mars Pluto conjunction opposition Moon. Holy sh*t, am I a rage-er. Plus, I have a wide square between Venus in Taurus practically on Algol, the death star, square this Mars in Virgo position. Luckily Pluto is not in the square with Venus, but could it be by association to Mars? I left behind a lot of men b/c of this rage, but ironically, as you pointed out, am finally swimming every day and taking kick-boxing classes – which I highly recommend – so this energy has an outlet other than people. Sigh! xo

  4. This is something that I have struggle with, as well. It’s very hard. The rage is very real and very difficult to control. I have Mars in Cancer, in my 7th house, squaring Pluto in Libra (in my 9th). I put all my energy into partnering, only to get there …and blow it all to high hell. Putting and end to this once and for all, is really all I’ve been working on lately. It’s getting better…but is still very hard to contain.

  5. I can identify with unleashing anger on a partner. Mercury square Mars in this case, in a T-square also with Saturn. And Moon square Pluto and Uranus. Sigh. But I’m in midlife now, and yes my acting-out days are over. I’ve learned how to manage my own feelings instead of unleashing them – most of the time. Elsa, you’re exactly right, exercise is critical! Even though I have other chart aspects that make it hard to motivate for exercise, I’ve learned that life is much MUCH better when I’m exercising almost every day.

  6. First, I too commend this woman for writing her story so clearly. It is a lot to own up to, at any age. Reading this post required me to get honest with my story, as I am way past forty and closer to seventy so the lesson is not lost to one who has had Saturn return twice. When you advised “Here’s the astrology: Mars in your chart (raw male energy / anger) is like a gun cocked and aimed at your Venus (love/relationships). And you see the result of that. You hunt these men, and kill them. You kill love. And you’re not going to be able to just stop. This is in your chart and then energy will play, one way or the other.” that hit me where I live. The raw enery that needs to be given an outlet … a physical one! I have Mars-Saturn and Pluto conjunct in dramatic Leo. Pluto opposes my Moon in Capricorn and all that conjunction energy squares my Scorpio stellium.

    When environmental illness and disability showed up (with Pluto transiting Sag) my outlets for running off this excess energy were blocked. It’s a process to learn how to juggle the symptoms without simply band-aiding the root causes: that takes time (Saturn conjunt Mars I tell myself!) Throughout this learning process I had and still do have a partner and husband who has weathered every kind of rage that comes from illness and the natal astrology. No small challenge even for a Cancer with lots of Virgo.

    What I glean from this post, both Werewolvine’s question/situation and Elsa’s advice is this: at whatever age you are if there’s rage/power/anger/Mars to deal with I get to deal with it how I CAN deal. Regretting that I don’t have the stamina to run or kick-box won’t get the baby fed, or the energy circulated. Swimming used to be my movement of choice, there are obstacles to that where I live, and how I live but what isn’t blocked is my imagination. Somewhere somehow my current situation where I’m slipping into the old habit of ‘taking it out on my partner’ I must see ways to move the fire within … and put it OUT THERE!

    I write, and write the medicine that works magic for me without damage to the others. It’s no lap swim, BUT oh the miles I log with time travel. For an elder woman with physical limits, the exercise of writing finds my way to be young at heart. That’s the trick with Mars, all ACTS count. Pen or pedal. Maybe write on a stationery bike!!:))

    It’s like you say on your homepage Elsa, glad to be having a life today, any kind of way.(Wish there was a way to preview this rant b-4 posting … here goes)Thanks for the topic Elsa, and the question Werewolvine.

  7. Yes, I do. I’m not proud of it. I have Mars and Venus sextile natally (7th and 9th), but ST’s Mars opposes my Venus by sign. (For some reason, every guy I’ve dated has had a mutable Mars–square or opposite mine.)

    I have the Mars-Pluto square, and do have to keep physically busy. If I sit too much I get crabby. If my emotions are triggered and I have no way to walk around and keep my hands busy, I go off. (Maybe that’s why I’m practically married to my smartphone. *grin*)

  8. I have Sun and Merc conjunct Mars and Mars square Saturn. I was not just angry in love relationships I was angry at work, angry at family, angry at the world. Elsa told me in 2010 to move and work out the energy physically! And so I did! I got a personal trainer who got me to punch and kick things and crawl under and over things and throw kettle bells around. Saw her three days a week and ran on the other four. Extraordinarily helpful. Plus, I got in great shape!

  9. I am very prone to this, yes. I quit smoking just under three months ago (and drinking just under two months ago), and now that I can actually breathe, need to get a serious exercise plan into place. Running, planning on trying Krav Maga. I’ve found for years that strenuous exercise eventually overwhelms me (not the right word, but it’s that feeling where you need to hug your knees to your chest for hours). I’m curious now if that’s something “shift[ing] deep inside”. Feels right. I never push through it.

    Thanks to Werewolvine for your honesty. Best of luck.

  10. Wow! A full moon eclipse lightbulb moment here for me. Growing up I was not allowed to have any feelings unless it was sunshine and sweetness. If I expressed anger or hurt I’d be punished with the threat of loss if “love.” In relationships whenever I felt fear or hurt or anger, those old tapes kicked in and instead I’d be passive aggressive – and seething.

  11. I’ve had anger issues all my life…both inner and outer, partly inherited from my mother. I’ve found a book that helped me tremendously. It helped me separate “real” anger from “chronic” anger. It helped me learn what to DO with my anger. It is __Putting Anger to Work for You!__ by Ruth and Joel Schroeder. It is a kind of workbook.

    • Thanks! I’ve been reading your excellent posts for a while, but only felt like I had something to say today! BTW, I think my anger issues (astrologically) are shown by my Moon and North Node in Aries, Mars Rising in Libra opposite Sun, Uranus square both Mars and Sun. My Mom had rages where she would go on for hours and hours. I remember going to the store while she was yelling and then coming home and hearing her yelling from way up the street! I wish I could have shared that book with her before she passed through the veil…

      • Also greatly recommended are books by Harriet Lerner, specifically:
        __The Dance of Anger: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self__
        __ The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate__

  12. I do so a lot of the time. Why he puts up with it I never know.

    My Venus Scorp squares my aqua mars and really you’re right cause I am too old for that shit. I get angry cause I want closeness and freedom… Urgh, horrible!

  13. I have mars in cancer squaring Venus in aries and Pluto in libra natally, plus now transiting Pluto is in capricorn completing the square opposite my mars. It’s exact right now, and happy happy, due to retrogrades I’ll have it exact three times and full on intensity of it for a full three years! When it was first aligning a year ago (after hitting Pluto, then Venus, then finally mars over 5 years), I was bullied out of a community, suffered a serious head injury which induced near homicidal rage for months, locked me in a legal dispute with a bad faith insurer denying me care I needed on a whim…all within a few months. I’m glad the initial brunt is over, but I’m still dealing with all of it. Channeling my mars is always a big challenge due to disability that severely limits my ability to exercise. But with all this added on…yikes. I’ve really had to dig deep and change a lot of my attitudes just to bring the furious outrage down to a dull roar. I don’t usually take it out on people, though I do have a sharp tongue occasionally. But I realized that being victimized really sucks, but that I decide whether or not I want to *feel* victimized. Or rather, you can victimize me but you can’t turn me into a victim without my complicity. I get to decide how I choose to feel, how I identify, where I put my power. I’ve had to reclaim a lot of my power through sheer determination to not let circumstances dictate my inner experience. Now I see things that annoy and irritate me and I think, that’s a way I’ve handed my power over to the outside world. I’m letting something external control me. Then I figure out a way to take it back, by journaling, releasing resentments, actively forgiving, choosing to find gratitude instead of complaining, seeing my own character flaws and how they contribute, recognizing and owning my anger at myself and often the shame underneath it. And this has lifted a lot of the irritation that piles up into rage.
    Still, I’m sitting here seething over my roommates’ endless dishes and reading articles on managing anger! I clearly have more work to do. And I will have another two years of it, so I’m guessing I’ll have time to do it! One horoscope I read said ‘be very careful not to be ruthless at this time.’ Totally makes sense to me!

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