Is your lover really gone for good?
Dumped by an Aries You find yourself alone, standing amidst blowing dust and flecks, strips of black tire tracks, heavy gasoline fumes, and very little else. Slowly, slowly, the sound of the roaring engine recedes, thundering silence taking its place.
Dumped by Taurus You offer extravagant food, they say they’ve lost their appetite and when you turn away from them in bed, they just turn away from you in the opposite direction (instead of poking you with their horns). Taurus: Either they’re all over you, or they’re gone.
Dumped by Gemini You hear it from a friend who heard it from another, who over-heard it from a third (who, not realizing that he/she was on speaker phone), discussed his/her opinion on the latest gossip which he/she picked up vis-a-vis the MMORG you used to play together.
Dumped by Cancer You become a strict vegan, and they say nothing about it. Weeks later you cut yourself badly while cooking your own veggie plate dinner. When you cry out and show them jets of blood, they look up from their call with mom just long enough to say “Oh. Bummer”.
Dumped by Leo They perform a colorful skit for you wherein they portray themselves as the hero/ines who tried, and failed, to ‘make it work’ . They then flounce off with several of their long time admirers from the audience, leaving you clapping as they go.
Dumped by Virgo They drive you to a new apartment, give you the key. Inside you find it post-it notes stuck on every mirror, cabinet and appliance, each containing mind numbingly detailed details; recommendations on your life. When you glance out the window they’re gone.
Dumped by Libra They pen you a lovely thank you/apology note on their personal monogrammed stationary about all of the beautiful times they had with you ‘back iin the day.’ It will arrive in your mailbox two days after they moved out, tucked into their wedding invitation.
Dumped by Scorpio You come home and your keys don’t work. When you try to break in the police come and arrest you for violation of a restraining order you didn’t know existed. From jail you receive an autographed copy of their new scandalous publication namely, The Unauthorized Biography of You.
Dumped by Sagittarius You no longer fit into your own bed because they let all their dogs growl and snap at you when you try to sneak in. Later when you ‘mistakenly’ glance in their suitcase, you see a 12 pack of condoms (you don’t use them) and the book:Breaking Up for Dummies..
Dumped by Capricorn Instead of splitting the check at your birthday celebration as usual, they lay it all on you, along with a ‘what’s yours what’s mine’ check list, and copies in triplicate of all the prenuptial agreements, attorneys documents, and zero balance savings.
Dumped by Aquarius What makes you think you were ever paired up with Aquarius to begin with? What happens when you hold a magnifying glass over a hologram or view it through a telescope? What about a reflection of a rainbow as seen in a mirror?
Dumped by Pisces You’re confused. They just went ‘poof.’ . Slowly you convince yourself that he/she is sick/ maimed/dead. Longing for closure, you launch a global search. Truth be told, they’re only drunk (again) and getting laid (again), this time on some garden rooftop uptown.
Tell us about your most memorable dumping.