why am i still single at 33?
You’ve had Pluto transiting your 12th house for a long time. That’s a really deeply internal transit. Probably no one felt like they could reach you in that abyssal place even if the desire was there by both parties. That’s my guess.
Now this Pluto transiting your Ascendant and opposing your Sun? You will be transforming. When your deepest self is being revealed through the death/rebirth cycle the universe might possibly put someone in your path but they will be there to help you alchemize. I can’t remember who said it here but she said that she didn’t judge her relationships by how long they were but by how much she was transformed by them. I adopted that outlook during my own Pluto transit and it was life changing (thank you to whoever that was.)
Thank you everyone for your replies. Am sorry I could not acknowledge the replies early or individually.
I am in a lot of pain and anguish over so many things. I get so overwhelmed at times.
I do not fit in anywhere. I am always the outsider everywhere.
Yes. A lot of men came in and triggered me to make extreme changes. I have changed cities, professions, and even the way I look constantly over the past couple of years.
It has been so intense that sometimes I wonder how I am even alive and wish I could just burst into flames. It has been an extremely isolating experience.
Even as I am rebuilding my life constantly it has been hard to keep the hope alive and stay positive.
I feel short-changed in all aspects of my life.
Today feels rather extremely dark. Even the dark moments are as fleeting as my joyful ones. Nothing lasts. Everything is volatile. The self-work isn't exciting anymore. Have tapped on all styles of self-work. I flirt even with spirituality and cosmos (or rather they have flings with me).
On most days I am not able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and most other days am so calm n composed that even that surprises me.
Even when I make joyful work relationships, I know within me even they will not last. I have intense moments of connection followed by total abandon.
My soul feels tired and it is ready to leave but this physical body has some unknown karma left on this planet.
Am not sure anymore how much longer I can continue like this or what stops my soul from leaving this body.
I do not feel like I belong to the parents or the country I was born in. And yet I am deeply entangled with them.
I wish God can stop testing and teasing me. Sometimes I imagine him caring for me and at other times grinning at how I handle things/people.
@VDN I really resonated with your last post. I have felt like this in response to life. It sounds as if you are going through a period of ego death allowing more of who you are in truth to emerge. This would explain the oscillation in feelings between being calm and composed and accepting of what is, and states of feeling frustrated, disappointed, lost and persecuted by life, God, etc. I know this passage and it is draining at times because there is little access to why? The why is bigger than the human ego can perceive, but there are other parts of us that can accept and relax into this uncertainty. To some degree we are all going through this on various levels of acuteness. How best to cope? Try to observe where the feeling state is coming from, the notions you have that can't be fulfilled, is that involving the whole of you, or is it from an identity that you are used to, familiar with. Who expects this, that, and the other to be a certain way? If you do not relate to parents, culture, try to accept it, maybe your soul is not resonant with theirs. OK, easy to say, but hard to do, why? Because you are opening to reality - loss, death, change, not knowing. Human reality IS sad and heartbreaking in so many ways. We love and we lose, over and over. How much pain is this to bear? The more you open to this however the more freedom you will gain to be yourself. Accept you are in transition and it hurts, relish the moments of power (it's where you are heading), acknowledge sadness is a part of it and know others are journeying along with you in this process. As the poet, Rilke wrote, feel everything, beauty and terror, just keep going. 🙂
Thank you everyone for your replies. I am going to come back and read these often.
I spent the last couple of days on dating apps swiping my way to depression. The same repetitive conversations/trauma and yet my soul isn't giving up.
I am going for a chord cutting from all past lovers. Hopefully, it will help me find some peace.