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why am i still single at 33?

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Elsa
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Elsa
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Libra Noir
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You’ve had Pluto transiting your 12th house for a long time. That’s a really deeply internal transit. Probably no one felt like they could reach you in that abyssal place even if the desire was there by both parties. That’s my guess. 

Now this Pluto transiting your Ascendant and opposing your Sun? You will be transforming. When your deepest self is being revealed through the death/rebirth cycle  the universe might possibly put someone in your path but they will be there to help you alchemize. I can’t remember who said it here but she said that she didn’t judge her relationships by how long they were but by how much she was transformed by them. I adopted that outlook during my own Pluto transit and it was life changing (thank you to whoever that was.) 

 

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VDN
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@libra-noir Thanks for your insightful reply... i think this line stuck with me: Probably no one felt like they could reach you in that abyssal place even if the desire was there by both parties.  --- This is quite true for me.. 

 

The below message too is insightful.. but it is hard to maintain perspective and positive attitude at all times...

You will be transforming. When your deepest self is being revealed through the death/rebirth cycle  the universe might possibly put someone in your path but they will be there to help you alchemize. I can’t remember who said it here but she said that she didn’t judge her relationships by how long they were but by how much she was transformed by them. I adopted that outlook during my own Pluto transit and it was life changing

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Libra Noir
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@vdn I speak this too you from my own experience. Pluto is still in my first house. I felt exactly like you do. I felt shut out from something but I see now that I was being directed towards something with actual value. Pluto rules riches- you will discover something valuable internally that no one can take away from you, at least that’s been my experience. I’ve posted about my own experiences here, as well as many others, and Elsa has written a ton about Pluto. There’s a resource here (Pluto is resources). 

I was just thinking too, with that strong 12th house of yours (you’ve gotta be psychic right?) I wonder what type of spiritual reality you connect to and if you could call upon the spirit helpers to help you (whatever resonates with you or falls into a tradition you understand. Angels, animal guides, ancestors, faeries etc.). For me, since I’ve opened up connection to that realm I’ve felt less alone, more supported, less needy in my relationships and more able to show up authentically for them. That’s another resource. With Pluto you have access to really powerful resources both inner and outer. 

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@libra-noir Hello Libra Noir, I might be a psychic! But I have decided not to pay anyone to develop those gifts. If it is what I am meant to do in this lifetime, I call upon the Gods to unleash it to me undeniably. As I said before, I did flirt a lot with various spiritual practices but in the process realized it was just another way for me to spend money with minimal returns. The things that were being thought to me were more like 'calm down and pick up subtle body responses'. The probability of accuracy with that tool was 50-50. So, I walked away. (No offense to anyone. I became too cerebral by education). I have cycled through many spiritual teachers on the earth realm as well and managed to offend them as well. I failed to identify with them despite desperate efforts.

I do not actively engage in calling upon any spiritual guides in other realms because I do not have the power to identify if they really are 'good'. My Neptune can mislead my senses very easily. 

But I agree with you. I will have to latch back on some form of spiritual activity or else I see myself looking at the depths of depression and being consumed by a deep sense of loneliness. 

 

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VDN
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There were many spiritual teachers who tried to help me and turn my life around. But eventually, they distanced themselves from me because I was making them uncomfortable (I do not know how, but most likely because I was latching on to them too strongly for support). 

Also, I have been bitten sexually by male spiritualists. Not once but twice!

Post these encounters, I find it very hard to trust anyone. 

I think everything is repetitively asking me to look inwards and I have been avoiding that because of the pain I feel when I close my eyes.

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@vdn Well ya, I wouldn’t suggest paying anyone to do anything for you. The whole point is that you can access things yourself. Maybe a book on talking to spirits or a pendulum or a card deck would be helpful but those are extra. YouTube is a wonderful free resource for learning things like connected with guides. The main thing is protection but that’s not hard. Again youtube it. Anyway, good luck.

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VDN
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@libra-noir Thank you, Libra Noir. 

I have left it to God.

But yeah like you suggested I have restarted sharing my thoughts with the universe and listening to the feedback. It is less isolating. 

Hopefully, I will be protected.

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VDN
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Thank you everyone for your replies. Am sorry I could not acknowledge the replies early or individually. 

I am in a lot of pain and anguish over so many things. I get so overwhelmed at times. 

I do not fit in anywhere. I am always the outsider everywhere. 

Yes. A lot of men came in and triggered me to make extreme changes. I have changed cities, professions, and even the way I look constantly over the past couple of years.

It has been so intense that sometimes I wonder how I am even alive and wish I could just burst into flames. It has been an extremely isolating experience. 

Even as I am rebuilding my life constantly it has been hard to keep the hope alive and stay positive.

I feel short-changed in all aspects of my life. 

Today feels rather extremely dark. Even the dark moments are as fleeting as my joyful ones. Nothing lasts. Everything is volatile. The self-work isn't exciting anymore. Have tapped on all styles of self-work. I flirt even with spirituality and cosmos (or rather they have flings with me). 

On most days I am not able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and most other days am so calm n composed that even that surprises me. 

Even when I make joyful work relationships, I know within me even they will not last. I have intense moments of connection followed by total abandon. 

My soul feels tired and it is ready to leave but this physical body has some unknown karma left on this planet.

Am not sure anymore how much longer I can continue like this or what stops my soul from leaving this body.

I do not feel like I belong to the parents or the country I was born in. And yet I am deeply entangled with them. 

I wish God can stop testing and teasing me. Sometimes I imagine him caring for me and at other times grinning at how I handle things/people.

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Elsa
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(((((VDN)))))

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VDN
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@elsa Thank you, elsa. empathy helps.

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@vdn Being an "outsider" is probably a lot of it. I'm a freaking weirdo (Uranus in first) and I just don't fit with very many people or have sexual interest in 99.9 percent of what's available out there. I honestly feel like either I get lucky or I don't because it's gonna take an act of God for me to find someone with my personality.

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VDN
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@jenfullmoon Yes!!!

I resonate with that Uranus so much. So many acts of God. All happen so suddenly. I do initiate them but the outcome is never in my hand.

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@vdn Tell me about it!!!!

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sophiab
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@VDN I really resonated with your last post. I have felt like this in response to life. It sounds as if you are going through a period of ego death allowing more of who you are in truth to emerge. This would explain the oscillation in feelings between being calm and composed and accepting of what is, and states of feeling frustrated, disappointed, lost and persecuted by life, God, etc. I know this passage and it is draining at times because there is little access to why? The why is bigger than the human ego can perceive, but there are other parts of us that can accept and relax into this uncertainty. To some degree we are all going through this on various levels of acuteness. How best to cope? Try to observe where the feeling state is coming from, the notions you have that can't be fulfilled, is that involving the whole of you, or is it from an identity that you are used to, familiar with. Who expects this, that, and the other to be a certain way? If you do not relate to parents, culture, try to accept it, maybe your soul is not resonant with theirs. OK, easy to say, but hard to do, why? Because you are opening to reality - loss, death, change, not knowing. Human reality IS sad and heartbreaking in so many ways. We love and we lose, over and over. How much pain is this to bear? The more you open to this however the more freedom you will gain to be yourself. Accept you are in transition and it hurts, relish the moments of power (it's where you are heading), acknowledge sadness is a part of it and know others are journeying along with you in this process. As the poet, Rilke wrote, feel everything, beauty and terror, just keep going. 🙂 

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VDN
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@sophiab Thank you for your reply. 

I identify with your words. 

I do not want to fight my insecurities or the things I do not have. I know the place of calm which presents when I am in acceptance. And yet when I sit to feel my feelings there is this extreme sense of lack that propels me into 'seeking man' mode as if that is the ONLY thing that can fill this void. 

 

Thanks for quoting: Rilke wrote, feel everything, beauty and terror, just keep going.

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sophiab
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@vdn Try to accept the feeling of a void. By accepting it and not being afraid of how the emptiness feels, you allow something to emerge that is unknown to you. I suggest that this unknown space is a part of you that has been hidden away and unrecognised. Let everything happen, all feelings, be open and curious. As that part of you grows, even if you do not know her well, she will become stronger and you can build a relationship with her. This part of you will eventually reflect in someone outside you and you will be able to make a soul match. That person will help you in your journey to know yourself, it is powerful and transformative. I think you are already aware of this, that is why you have the strong desire. Know that you are preparing for this by accepting yourself changing, even if it feels uncomfortable. It is also a sign you are going in the right direction. Meditation can help make a space for this part of you to communicate better and feel stronger. I would focus on this goal and trust the other elements will take care of themselves.

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VDN
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@sophiab Thank you, Sophia B. My eyes welled up. Your description is very accurate.

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VDN
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Thank you everyone for your replies. I am going to come back and read these often. 

I spent the last couple of days on dating apps swiping my way to depression. The same repetitive conversations/trauma and yet my soul isn't giving up.

I am going for a chord cutting from all past lovers. Hopefully, it will help me find some peace.

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jenfullmoon
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@vdn I can't stomach dating apps. I read one lady's blog and she said she never found a relationship in TEN YEARS of dating apps. I know, "how else are you supposed to meet complete strangers," but there's a lot of problems with those because the avoidant guys are always jumping back into the pool and the good ones are snatched up fast. A friend of mine immediately snatched up a guy RIGHT after he put himself up on a profile and was his first match--I guess that's how one has to do it.

I have been reading Make Your Move by Jon Birger (though ah....see my other thread about that not going totally great, but that's my fault) and he talks about trying to focus on people you know IRL and getting up the nerve to ask yourself, rather than dating app-ing. I don't know if that'd be better for you or not, but it felt more empowering to read than "hard to get" books.

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VDN
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@jenfullmoon Thank you dear for the empathy.

I got chord cutting done by a healer. Post which the odor of my private secretions dramatically improved from pungent to sweet.

Some from the past still pop up with that 'hi' and I wonder will it be a missed opportunity if I do not engage. Do I want to romanticize the instability they bring to my life? My own country's culture is outdated. I see myself replacing my country's culture with popular culture. And when has pop culture helped anyone?

About asking someone I know... I do not know a lot of people... my 12th house leads me towards isolation and lessons of 'detachment' 24/7. 

Thanks to my most recent healing... am lil bit centered and comfortable in my loneliness and hopefully, it will persist.

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