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How to break up with your "best friend"?
I can't stand her anymore but she's still enthusiastic about our friendship. Don't know how to handle the situation.
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macateta
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Monday, March 11, 2019 - 1:03 am
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A year and a half ago I created this thread regarding some friends that were irritating me:

https://www.elsaelsa.com/forum…..e-friends/

At the time I was unsure if I was right to feel this way or if it was irrational. Turns out I was just stressed out by college. My college friends are fine, but there was another friend (not from college) who was already annoying me at the time and I wasn’t paying much attention to it. Basically because we lived in different cites and didn’t see each other too often.

Ever since I moved closer to her (for family reasons) and we have been spending more time together, I realized little by little that not only am I irritated and annoyed by her, we are no longer compatible at all. We’ve been friends for 10 years and I feel I am a different person now.

These past months I’ve been trying to figure out the least harsh way to end the friendship (because I’ve already decided I want to absolutely end it), but it’s awkward because it’s not like we’re both falling apart. She’s still very enthusiastic about our friendship and says I’m her only best friend, and always brings up the fact that we’ve been together for so long that we’ll be friends forever.

I can’t list all the little things and reasons why I’ve gone from doubting myself to being 100% sure about breaking up with her, or this post would be too long. In general:

  • I dread seeing her, receiving her texts or phone calls.
  • Spending time with her, or even a simple phone call, leaves me drained.
  • I haven’t enjoyed her company for more than a year
  • Almost every aspect of her personality annoys me now. I feel repelled.
  • I dislike her so much now that I’m ashamed of being friends with her (even though she’s popular).
  • I used to think we were equals in our friendship but I realized she always wants things her way (even on my birthday, but let’s not get into that).

Looking back at our relationship (we met when we were 15, at school), it was always superficial, we never confided in each other truly. I think the reason we were drawn to each other and stayed together for so long is because we are one another’s “safe place”, so to speak. She is extremely assertive and direct, and when I met her I was a total doormat, so being around her made me feel safe. I guess on her side, her personality is too intense, she can’t have anything more intimate than acquaintances to party with (she’s got plenty of those). I’m the only “close” friend she has, I suppose because of my personality being too meek to back out.

I stopped seeing and talking to another friend I had because she said she didn’t like her anymore. I let this and other friendships fall apart because having her as a friend made me feel “safe” and I didn’t put in the effort that was necessary to maintain the other long-distance friendships. My long-distance friendship with her needed no effort on my part because she’s the one who’s always contacting me.

10 years later, I wouldn’t say I’m confident but I’m not a doormat anymore. I have decided I don’t want her as a friend anymore, and have started reaching out to the other friends I thought I’d lost. I’m also intent on making new friends, which was impossible to do whenever I went out with her due to her possessiveness. I’m only realizing that now.

All I have to do now is the actual breakup (I postponed it because of Christmas, then a one-month long trip, and then her birthday). She wants to hang out with me every single second of her free time and wants to drag me along to all of her parties even though I keep telling her that one party per month is enough for me. I have run out of excuses and now I simply respond to her “wanna hang out?”s with a “not really”. The next day, she asks again.

I mentioned how she keeps saying that she loves me and that I’m her best friend. Her mom, who is overprotective of her but lives away, is also really invested in our friendship because she thinks I keep her under control.

I’m desperate for any advice on how to handle this. I’m not very diplomatic but want to do this the right way. Thank youbiggrin_gif 

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tru blue
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Thursday, March 14, 2019 - 12:27 am
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It’s been a long time, but I have been through similar experiences in my life, where I had to end a friendship. It wasn’t easy because I’m a loyal friend. I see the value in friendships. And as I get older, I feel blessed for the true friendships that have remained. They have given me so much strength, courage, support, and love over the years. True friends bring so much love and light.rnAs to a friendship I ended, I met her my freshman year in college when everything was so brand new. Oh how I adored her. I never had close friends in high school, and so I felt empowered to develop a friendship with someone who was creative, funny, and outgoing. I was shy and insecure. She was also a great writer, which I admired. After college, we remained friends. She even came to live with me briefly. But over time, I noticed there was something dark about her. And I begin to see how she picked on me in subtle ways and would start philosophical arguments for no reason. The list of uncomfortable behaviors kept growing. Drugs, alcohol, and partying was a high priority for her. That was not a path I was interested in taking. After a series of ridiculous events, and I mean ridiculous. Something inside of me snapped. I was done and I told her so. I can’t exactly remember how, but one night she almost set the room on fire. I believed that was a warning I couldn’t ignore. I decided the best way I could be a friend to her was to be a friend to myself. I let her go. How did I do it? The words came flying out of my mouth.

After many years of no communication, I found out that she joined AA and got sober. That was over 15 years ago and as far as I know, she’s still sober and has turned her life around. I couldn’t be happier for her.

I’m sharing this story with you to say, that you have no idea what good might come from you actually taking care of yourself. 

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Monday, March 11, 2019 - 9:52 am
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From what you say it seems this is not really a best friend friendship on either part so the sooner you cut away the better for you and for her inasmuch as you can’t stand her behavior that she is used to you accepting. The only way to do that without being openly honest and direct and express your feelings which may or may not fall on deaf ears, or maybe or maybe not hurt her feelings, is to not bother with her in any way shape or form anymore, always be busy when she calls, don’t respond to anything or carry on any false conversations sounding like there is a friendship. Good luck.

moon

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allie120
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Monday, March 11, 2019 - 1:43 pm
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From age 15 to 25 there are so many changes people go through. It’s absolutely normal. You’re a different person now, and perhaps at one point this relationship helped you grow. Even though you want to end it, you learned a lot about yourself through it all. 

I support what Winter Moon has said. And you can also tell her how people change and grow, if it seems like she needs an answer to the reasons you are distant.

Good luck and I’m glad you’re strong and don’t want to be drained by someone just to spare their feelings or to make things easy in the short term 😃

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Tuesday, March 12, 2019 - 7:48 am
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I can’t add any suggestions, those above are very good.

Just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I’ve got a similar problem with a friend who gets on my nerves, but always wonder if that is reason enough to drop somone. So had the same questioning – how to do that dipomatically.

I hope you’ll work this out. It’s difficult to go through, but I think that afterwards you will feel much lighter, so worth the pain of going through it. 

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Tuesday, March 12, 2019 - 1:06 pm
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I also want to add that I think it shouldn’t be your place to keep your friend under control, per her mother’s (misguided) belief (I mean, your friend isn’t harming herself, I hope!). That’s not your job. She’s not a child and you’re not a parent. I just wanted to let you know! 

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Tuesday, March 12, 2019 - 1:17 pm
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Oh, do I connect with this dilemma.  Recently I ended a 10 year relationship by simply sending one curt email in response to a particularly infuriating email  of his.  Then silence.  total silence. No contact.

This isn’t the best way and some would say it’s cowardly but I think it is really kinder than tossing out a laundry list of failings to the person.

He/she won’t change any way.  you either accept them as they are or you can’t.

So vote with your feet.  If you really must respond to any text just write back:  “Busy.”

 

She will get the message and her self-image will remain intact.  A win-win for both.

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macateta
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Wednesday, March 13, 2019 - 11:24 pm
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Thanks everyone!

I think I’m definitely going to have to be direct with her otherwise she won’t get the message. And I feel the moment is now.

What I’m dreading the most is how she’ll react.

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Thursday, March 14, 2019 - 12:55 am
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I was honest with her and didn’t expect her to react like this. She insisted on knowing what she’d done wrong so that she could change, that she’d do anything to remain friends with me. She kept telling me that I’m her best friend and that she loves me. I told her I didn’t want her to change, that it was a matter of different personalities and I kept telling her sort of the same thing every time she insisted with the same thing. She recognized that I had been distant lately but asked me again (twice) to see each other tomorrow. At this point I just didn’t know how to get her to understand. So I didn’t respond for a while thinking about what to do. Then, unsurprisingly, her mom called me. I didn’t answer.

So basically she’s trying to presuade me, almost begging, to remain friends, which she has done before with a guy who wasn’t interested in her. She’s trying to convince me to hang out tomorrow by telling me she has chocolate in her house. ???

I texted her and I know that was shitty. The simple reason was cowardice. But now I’m glad I did it this way because of how she reacted. I was feeling so bad reading her responses that I caught myself considering to tell her “ok let’s not breakup but give ourselves some time” kinda like that, to calm her down. I decided to remain firm, and if this had been a face to face conversation I would have given in since I’m really easily swayed. I had started to second-guess myself and needed a reminder of why I needed to do this.

I think she still doesn’t get it. Right now the chat is silent. Don’t know if she’ll text again before I think of a way of being as clear as possible.

ETA: Just got a long text from her mom, telling me both she and my friend are very hurt and that she would like to know the exact reason why I ended the friendship.

 

I’m starting to feel really bad. I’m surprised she didn’t have any suspicion that something was wrong with our friendship.

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Thursday, March 14, 2019 - 7:01 am
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If they want to know, this is perhaps a good occasion to say how you feel about this friendship in a simple and honest way. It’s not something mean or cruel, you just feel that over time your two personalities have grown apart and don’t match anymore.

If things are said without accusations/agressivity/blaming etc (which isn’t your case) perhaps this will clear the air and both parties can leave the table without too much damage.

I’d say it’s OK even if she thinks you’re “the bad guy”. At least you will have said what’s on your heart and assume responsibility for making your choices and being fair and honest about it, not trying to make her feel guilty or other negative approaches. She is just the way she is and you are the way you are, which is why it no longer works. You are not blaming her for anything.

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Thursday, March 14, 2019 - 12:56 pm
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You don’t owe her anything. She’s had her chance with you and she blew it. Now, that doesn’t mean she can’t change, she could change herself for the better. She doesn’t have to punish herself forever, either. But she’s gonna have to be friends with someone else. 

“Sorry man, you blew it.”

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Thursday, March 14, 2019 - 5:15 am
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was she really your best friend? it seem more like someone like an acquaintance who you hung out with most of your life on and off.   A best friend knows all your secrets, your pains and heartaches, and joys in life, what makes you hurt and what makes you happy. You confide in eachother and you bring the best in eachother.  What I saw was, she made you feel safe. Which is also good but neither one of you attempted to get to know the other on a deeply personal level. Did you share what you love to do, the type of books you read, and the type of movies you like? Did you hang out together and laugh and talk about boys and what you like about them what you didnt, or the authors, food, all the interests you both shared that you enjoy to read, to eat, to make, to what you would like to do in the future; did you see a future with her? I think the biggest thing that kept you together was the security and safety you had with her. It’s alot to go on, like a foundation but both of you never attempted to go further. 🙁

well it sounds like you seem relieved, hope that this is what you wanted.

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Thursday, March 14, 2019 - 9:54 am
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You can just tell them that you feel you’ve grown apart and leave it that that. You  don’t need to provide them a freaking thesis! I get the sense they’re both  demanding and controlling personalities. 

I’m in a similar boat where I am going to break up with a friend. I can’t stand her anymore. I was very delusional about her from the start. I have a tendency to want to see the best in people, and ignore red flags, and give people so many chances but sometimes you just have to accept that a person is just a selfish shitty person and there’s no excuse.

Like this person has raised her voice with me and overeacted bitchily on more than one occasions and I’m done with it. I don’t think there’s any hope for her, she doesn’t seem to have the ability to self reflect and never sees where she goes wrong. She’s a Pisces with a stellium in the sign and Mercury in Aries.

You’re a better person than I am cos I’m just going to ghost her. I don’t care. I don’t feel I owe her anything, not even an explanation.

ETA: also, this person has acted with me similar to what you describe where they demanded every second of my free time as if it was hers to take, to hang out and entertain her so she didn’t feel lonely. And you know what? The second she got a boyfriend, she could now leech of his energy, she threw me to the curb and acted all condescendingly like “my life is so crazy  right now I don’t have time for you”. If this person is of similar ilk – don’t feel bad and save yourself. They will suck, leech and drain you until something else/better comes along.

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Thursday, March 14, 2019 - 10:50 am
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Honestly, after kind of going into this intuitively, I think there’s actually a need in you, to somehow gain your power back in the relationship and thats why shes not going away; because you want to get your power back….and then you want her to go away. If you really truly desired her to go away, she would be gone without any confrontation; she just wouldnt be able to live in your vibration and drift away. So shes still here, because on some level, there’s something youre still desiring from the interaction, and I think its what I pointed out above. You need to get your power back.

You do that by doing what feels good to you. Not in regards to this, but in your every day life. Ignore her. Be happy. Dont think about her. If she insists, thats just momentum that had built up from you allowing her to overpower you. Itll subside. You dont even have to put a boundary up. Just change where you are at in your mind; create an aura around you that she literally cannot survive in.

Because you cannot control her. Never ever will you be able to use force to control anyone. But you can control the energy that you are putting out. Dont start from the tail end, which is the shit that is occurring. Start from the source, which is you and how you feel. 

Hope that makes sense. 

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Friday, March 15, 2019 - 10:03 am
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I don’t think it’s only about getting power back…

Perhaps Macateata is trying to get out of this situation without hurting feelings, which seems pretty difficult.

But, it’s true that if you’re able to turn a page, without the other person’s consent (which you don’t really need), then you’re free.

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