How do you feel right now?
Finally I'm feeling more relaxed...it's bedtime now and my body's chilled.
Realising that despite my good efforts navigating this Covid reality and this year's astrological vibes I have an underlying anxiety that tends to be there in my body. Some days it's strong and some days it's mild.
Might need to get myself a Bach Remedy as a background support.
It's good to feel relaxed...
I am feeling WAY TOO GOOD you guys. Jupiter is in my 9th and now opposing my Sun/Mercury and I'm concerned that I'm being stupid 😂
I can't begin to say how much faith I have right now - it's there, I can feel it. Nothing is bringing me down.
Jupiter will be hitting my MC soon too.
I just feel so good that I must be missing something!
Oops. They not thy. I am not a puritan.
- Gahh!! I hate Libra season.
At this time I'm still living with the lady with dementia. I was supposed to give my decision about staying or leaving to the daughters on Friday, but then one of them said they're both going to a wedding and staying until late. So I decided to tell them today that I'm leaving. Now I'm waffling, again.
Maybe I should bullet-point the reasons why I'm iffy about staying since it's a lot:
- The previous episodes of her acting out
- Last week she started badmouthing the other daughter behind her back. Then started going through old paperwork because she is convinced this daughter is about to sell her house and vehicle underneath her. I heard ripping and shuffling sounds for a few days as she went through "junk.
- (Her daughter has most of her files because her mom kept ignoring the bills a couple of years ago and her utilities got cut off. So bills and mail now go to her daughter--a very sore spot for mom.)
- She asked me if I would be her daughter. I said you already have two daughters. She said "Yes, but they're not good." I'm nervous that she will try to put a wedge between me and her children--she's tried that a few other times. Her daughters suspect that she got the previous caregiver to side with her and egg her on.
- Last week I told her I was taking a walk. She forgot, and next thing you know, her daughter is texting me to let me know she just saw her mother speed by her house on the golf cart, going the wrong way! She didn't slow down or anything. (Daughter lives on the far side of the neighborhood and it's big.) I walked back to the house and her mom told me she was worried so she went off looking for me!
- I suspect that the previous caregivers did not alert the daughters to everything going on with her. For example, I can tell their mom is not taking showers anymore. I'm not even sure she's bathing or changing clothes! When I moved in, I was told she showers herself, does her own laundry, keeps herself clean, blah blah blah. No--not really. She was changing her own sheets at times. Now she doesn't. Many times I come home in the afternoons and she hasn't eaten lunch nor taken her pills. I think her dementia is more progressed than I was led to believe. In my opinion, she is in the middle stages, not mild.
- This living arrangement could be a conflict of interest workwise, since I learned about it through a client's family member. I already had to list my second job as a COI with my main employer, because both jobs are home care and could be seen as competition.
- 90% of my belongings are in storage. The other 10% are in my bedroom or bathroom. I'm nervous that moving my furniture in, even while she's away on a trip, could trigger her the minute she gets back and sees things moved around.
While the extra money really helps with building my savings and I don't pay rent either, I am also very tired lately. I'm concerned that I don't have the energy to give to this gig properly. Eventually I'll have to let go of one job, then the other as she gets worse. Sorry for the word vomit, I'm just tired of vacillating and afraid to give the daughters my decision. They won't like it and I feel like a wimp for not committing to this arrangement. Jupiter in Capricorn, you know? COMMIT. (What if by leaving I shoot myself in the foot?) Saturn's about to re-enter my 2nd house, too.
P.S., I've had no luck finding another place to rent. I was looking at two different places, but both places decided to rent to someone else. There's not a lot of decent places for someone at my income level, either. I'll keep looking, though.
My parents have kindly offered to let me live with them for a bit if I need a place to go in a hurry. The daughters have also said I can stay as long as I need to in order to find another place. So thankfully if I can't find a place soon, I won't be on the streets.
Living there is not good. Moving is not good - or at least not yet. Sounds like you have the option to say you’re leaving and keep looking. If it gets to a crisis, you have a back up. So really, you have everything you need to calmly look for the place, whatever your next step is.
one step at a time, you’ll get there!