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Dori
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 Dori
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I struggle in December, a lot. Every other person has issues during holidays when it seems like everyone around is happy and content, but that's only on the surface. The truth is, I feel very much alone, very alone. I still feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore, because I don't. It's not just this feeling of loneliness, it's an actual state of my life. Basic relationship with my brother, a bit better relationship with my uncle, and my bf who still lives with his parents and doesn't seem to be in a hurry to change something. This is the time of the year when I'm having the hardest time, I truly believe I'm not the only one. I'm sending love and comfort to everyone who feels even remotely like this. It's hard, but the sun will shine. I do believe that.

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Allie
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Yes. The sun will shine 🌞

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad you reached out.

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Dori
 Dori
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@allie120 I feel so good in this community, safe and loved, no matter what. Thank you @allie. ❤️

Today, I'm feeling down. My mum would have bday on Monday, better to say, she will have bday on Monday no matter that she is no longer physically here. I used to love but really love her birthday, always tried to buy her something she was dreaming about. Sometimes I really can't help myself and think: This really happened?? Like, really? Smile It really did happen, but it's okay I guess. No point in saying that it's not fair, or why did it happen to me? It has to happen to someone.

 

 

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Allie
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@dori I completely understand. I think that way, too. 

You’ll be celebrating her life, its incredible impact on you and that’s beautiful.

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Sirena Oceana
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I’m sorry you feel this way. Something that can help is to look for opportunities to give to others even in small ways. There have been studies that show giving to others and making them happy makes us happy too. Take care of yourself. We value you here!

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Dori
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@sirena-oceana thank you ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

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Elsa
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I'm also sorry. You mentioned, sun. You may have a seasonal thing going... try to make sure you get some sun. It may help.

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Dori
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@elsa We haven't had sunshine for a week, just clouds, rain, and early dark, very little daylight with this kind of weather, which is not helping at all. Thank you, Elsa, yes, I'm a summer child, winter is not my time of the year, and with all this holidays, it's even worse.

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sophiab
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@dori It's funny, I thought of you earlier today.. I was wondering how you are because you haven't been around much. Good to read you! 

I know I bang on about it but Saturn in Aquarius is an isolating transit, i think it's purpose is to help an individual really determine who they are, aside from identifications with families, groups, society, etc. It's important to dig deep into your own heart during this phase, to self generate some love to tide you over when others aren't available. In strange ways it's a love transit but you've got to find it within in a sort of external vacuum. Anyway, just to say you're not alone dealing with that... focus on keeping your heart chakra open as much as possible. It will end (March 6th yay!) and it will leave many of us stronger in our hearts and that means integrity. 

Aside from that, anniversaries of lost loved ones are very hard. I hope you can connect with your mums spirit. I'm sure she is with you and keeping an eye on you. Make sure to give yourself some treats and self care. 

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Dori
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@sophiab I was thinking a lot about you too! I was here, but I haven't had a chance to participate because so much work completely swallowed me. You tell it all good because I often remember your words about Saturn in Aquarius and Saturn in Pisces will be hard, this is much harder, 3 more months to go... I just had a dream of her, a few hours ago, it was so real. She comes to comfort me, and while dreaming I know she died, but still, it fills my heart, and when I wake up, punch the reality. This whole month is full of dear, most beloved memories, but also with anniversaries, next month too. Sometimes it seems like I can't catch a break. I hope you are doing well and that this time of the year will bring you many happy moments with your loved ones ❤️

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sophiab
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@dori This will be our 6th winter with Saturn in a Saturn ruled sign. It is another hard winter emotionally and psychologically, but we'll get through it! Neptune turned direct last night, there is lots of opportunity for dreaming and learning and communicating in our dreams. It is a good release from Saturn. Also the Sag energy brings a little magic. I don't think I made any negative predictions about Saturn in Pisces, I'm staying open on that one till I sense it more. Saturn will be ruled by alternative planets, Jupiter and Neptune at least!

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Dori
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@sophiab it sounds promising, that's for sure! I love how you always find a spark of positivity in everything. Smile 6 years? wow, didn't notice, but now that you wrote it, it makes sense. since 2016 it's been pretty hard, challenging, and lonely.

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sophiab
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@dori December 2017, Saturn entered Capricorn, thus ruled by Saturn. December 2020, Saturn entered Aquarius, thus ruled by Saturn. That's a lot of winters that were/are very (extremely) wintery (Saturn is known as a cold planet!) For me, Saturn in Capricorn winters were hard on my body, Saturn in Aquarius the winters were/are hard on my mind. I'm done with Saturn! I do respect his process but I'm really done with it... it's overkill currently!

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Dori
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@sophiab that has even more sense, than me saying 2016. 2016. was a good winter, comparing every other after that. I'm done too, really done. And I'm tired of my tortured mind and heart. I always respect the lessons Saturn is teaching us, but, I agree, this is way too much. And Saturn in 3rd wasn't a joyous time of my life. Not that I'm happy to have it in my 4th. I liked it the best when it was transiting my 1st house, I felt alive, and now I'm just dragging around. Where is your Saturn?

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sophiab
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@dori Tortured mind and heart - exactly, it's the same for me. I live by my heart and feeling that the heart signal is blocked or limited for so long is very hard. My mind is all over the place. Also I'm plagued by the  collective consciousness, is it my thought or perspective or is it coming from outside? I'm having to monitor my thoughts and thus moods continuously because i keep picking it up, especially from my phone and computer, but also general environment. It will end, I know! It's just extremely, relentlessly challenging. Saturn is moving through my 5th house and squaring my Sun. I hadn't realised how important the 5th house is for general disposition and sense of self until now, it really is a basis for the life force.

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Dori
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@sophiab I live the same and feel the same. And yes, exactly, sometimes I can't divide my thoughts from what's coming from the outside and what is actually coming from myself. I'm even more prone to other people, I work with a lot of people, and their energies, and sometimes I feel so drained I can't even sleep. You know the song, Fix you? The line: When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Saturn in your 5th, how is your creative side, and relationship with kids in general? Have you noticed something in particular?

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sophiab
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@dori Sounds like you're working very hard. In some ways it's a good antidote to Saturn transits, to lean into the Saturn with hard work, focus and discipline. I recall you have Jupiter in Cap! I must admit I have been doing that myself a lot during these Saturn years, but recently even that is not so helpful with its distraction, but I keep going with it as best I can (I work for myself so I have to self motivate entirely!)

Regards 5th house transit, anything related to the spark of life or creativity is involved, and with Saturn there, gets blocked, so you do resistance training in those areas - i. e live without them and try to survive. It's probably more intense for me because it's squaring my Sun, so it affects two solar elements. It's very much solar plexus related and healing where you limit yourself, your light.

With Saturn now in your 4th, do you feel like you're at the very beginnings of a new stage of life? 

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Dori
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@sophiab yes, this whole year was turning around my work and as it seems now, it's going to be like this for another year, which is good, I'm a workaholic Smile

I would never have the courage to work for myself, as you do, so congratulations!! It's not an easy thing to do, and I believe sometimes can be really hard. So, Saturn is squaring your Sun, I got it right, right? Smile That must be hard, are you extra hard on yourself during this transit or you are trying to avoid it? My Saturn will be in 3rd for a year and some more. I'm okay with that, I can't say I'm looking forward to having Saturn in my 4th. 😑 But it turns out, it doesn't matter where Saturn falls, 4th, 5th, 7th, it's always hard transit. It's a hard planet, he's trying to teach us, it has to have some kind of hard moments

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sophiab
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@dori You are right! Saturn square my Sun last few years. Last exact pass is January. Saturn in my 5th square Sun is a reckoning for sure. So, recently I realised that transits of 5th house can take you back to childhood, and also to your inner child. You re-meet them somehow. Saturn there is like a parent figure so it brings up your childhood dynamic with parents, or whoever was an older adults in your life then and how it affected you, which has implications for how you treat yourself or feel about yourself now. Also how much love was around, could you give love, was it received. If you have kids it might play out involving them. It's very life force focused. I don't know if you use tarot, but it's like the sun card in the Rider Waite deck with the little naked child on a horse! The child is exuberant. Well Saturn is not lol. So I've become almost completely Saturnised at this point and I'm waiting patiently amongst what I perceive as discomfort to be liberated.

Maybe you feel the same about your 3rd h transit, like it's affecting things and you can see and know it is, but there's no escape other than to accept the challenges, put your head down and work through. Would you say it shrinks your world in relation to the house area? I feel I'm a shrunken version of my lively self waiting to burst out again! 

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Dori
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@sophiab I usually love 5th house transits, I feel good while it lasts, for example, I loved when Uranus was transiting my 5th. I don't know, maybe that's my Leo Moon who loves to feel that kind of energy. But, as you say, it's different with Saturn. It does shrink you. It takes joy from certain houses and those hard ones, like my 12th, it makes it only harder to endure. So, yes, I'm doing the same as you. Doing my best, fix the damage and mistakes when I make them, and just wait for it to pass. Like it's going to be easier when it moves in your 6th and my 4th? 😀 Uf, dreading a bit. I'm shrunken too, but I must say, transit through my 3rd house, it was very painful, but it made me stand up for myself, even if that means I will be alone. Remember my brother and my SIL? I stood up for myself, and they accepted it, but the consequence is very clear. They will not give up from the way they want things to be. I'm not happy, but I sleep calmly and tho I miss my nephews so much, I don't have a feeling I've made a wrong decision.

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Dori
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When I remember that my own brother told me 3 months ago, that he will not bring them to my place and leave them alone there with me because it will cause them trauma, I shrink. Maybe my brother is Saturn here, teaching me a lesson: Stand up for yourself, it will hurt, but do it now, if you let this go, he will always find a way to control you.

But I shrink and shiver at his words. It hurt like hell.

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sophiab
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@dori I understand your pain at those words. Although a part of you knows strongly that it is a delusion and a projection on his part, these type of falsehoods have a way of eating away at your sense of yourself. They get under your skin and when you feel vulnerable they pop up in your mind and create concern. However, the process of repeatedly facing them in your mind and putting them in the category of falseness - by knowing your own heart, makes you stronger in your truth over time.

I do think this particular aspect relates to Aquarius energy, because it is so much about thoughts and ideas (ideologies and identifications), and in its lower frequency these can be held rigidly so a person can feel safe (they become defensive). If you add Saturn in Aquarius by transit then this can create fear and nervous system issues which only increases the problem of too much fixity and need for control (not to mention that ideas are easily spread from person to person).

In the symbol of the Aquarian waterbearer, the water 'flows' from a jar. I see the jar as the structure offered to emotions (the water) by thoughts and ideas. The great thing about Aquarius energy is to hold the water momentarily and have the detachment to observe and reflect on the source emotions rather than be lost in them (which those of us with lots of water can benefit from!) - but there is still a need for the emotions to flow, not to become blocked or trapped in the jar, because then they become rigid, stagnant and toxic. 

We all tend to get stuck in thoughts and ideas and need to remember to always let them flow, hello - goodbye! Not get attached to them for too long, other than to be aware of how we are feeling, how this might be influencing our thinking. This also helps when you have been dealt harsh words, to remember that what is said in the moment is so much a microcosm of that emotional moment, but then it is gone and change and transformation is always possible, especially if we lean into love (Leo).

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Dori
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@sophiab you write so peacefully and calmly, and very wisely. Did you ever consider putting your word out there in the world, like writing a book or something? I can see you have put a lot of effort into understanding this energy, and thank you for that because I think you are very helpful to all of us, lost in our problems and situations, to understand what's going on better. 

When I read your explanation, it makes perfect sense, I will remind myself to remember it the next time I go low about all the things that have been torturing me. And yes, sometimes I get stuck for too long, I'm trying to fix that too.

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sophiab
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@dori I'm very glad it is helpful. Thoughts and ideas which seem so fixed and unchanging now are not particularly sustainable once the energy shifts, it's like a house made of cards. The important thing right now is for each of us to determine our own reality, through our inner life and connection to source/our higher consciousness. That is more sustainable going forwards and necessary for when Pluto enters Aquarius, because if a person is too enmeshed in collective consciousness without self determination/integrity it will be a very wild ride. I believe this Saturn in Aquarius period is a training, the isolation, pain (when present) and confusion is there to strengthen the individual, turning them towards their own truth/reality which will hold them in good stead for what follows in the years to come. 

By the way, I thought you might check where your brother's Saturn transit is falling, what house, it might open up more info about his behaviour, where he is getting triggered atm.

Ps. I feel I will write something eventually, I'm still gathering info through experience atm. Like pieces of a jigsaw! 

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Dori
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@sophiab I think you are on the right path. I know quite a few people struggling with the feeling of isolation and even depression, my friend for example. She is so stuck but stuck for years. Her Uranus is transiting the 12th house and she completely isolated herself, taking the victim role, when she had a chance to do things differently, but then, she would have to face the real world and she's been avoiding that for over a decade. I'm trying to be aware that all of this will pass and that I have to keep my strength and mind as positive as I can.

My brother's Saturn is transiting the 7th house, other significant transits are Pluto sq Pluto, Neptune sq Neptune, and Saturn op Moon, transit I will at the beginning of February next year.

 

Ps. I will root for you with all of my heart! Smile

 

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sophiab
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@dori Your friend sounds to be in a very difficult position. Uranus is a planet that is linked to trauma, and in the 12th house as you say, there is a tendency towards victimhood. This ties in with the notion with the 12th house also of "undoing". The key issue with 12th house or Pisces is that it speaks to a state of "self-lessness", sometimes this state of being self-less can be enjoyable, such as a feeling of unity or oneness with the divine/universal forces. Very soulful energy. However, we also need a strong sense of self to negotiate the outside material based world. Being without a sense of self leads to feeling powerless and that's where the victim mentality takes hold. With Uranus in her 12th she may not feel she has the capacity to "be" in the world, and this could be linked to earlier traumatic experiences that blocked this from happening. My intuition tells me to find her Venus placement (because Uranus is in Taurus) and encourage focus on that placement, sign and house, perhaps through some form of creativity.

With your brother, the 7th house Saturn transit is ripe for projection. He is probably seeing you through a distorted lens right now, as an authority figure and especially as a parent. Right now you're not Dori, you're this projected figure, hence the crazy words to you. Did they have a quality of unreality to them? He is disowning rather than integrating Saturn. Also there is history involved here, and his childhood relation to authority figures which needs to transform. Pluto will reach his 7th house soon so that will create alot of change.

I am rooting for you too Dori! I appreciate your good wishes so much during this period. I hope you are getting through your difficult December days and keeping the light on! 

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Dori
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@sophiab she is and yes, she is doing a lot of undoing but isn't aware of it. She blames life, injustice, and God for making her life as it is. I understand it, but actually, a lot of what's happening to her is because of her choices and a lot is just life, it has to happen to someone, things that are happening to her. It took me years to put it that way in my head, but I completely understand why many can't think like this. You know that question: Why me? Well, my way of thinking is: Why not me? When I say it like that, it makes people furious. I understand why. My friend has her Venus natally in Virgo, 5th house, it squares Neptune.

I just checked, and my bf also has Uranus transiting his 12th house. It explains a lot actually with what you wrote.

I think my brother is projecting our mother on me because I feel like he can't stand me. And lately, he's projecting a lot of anger toward our dad, for not being there for him when he needed him, claiming he was a bad father to us. I haven't had the heart to tell him, that our dad was great to me and that I'm sorry he wasn't like this to him. But I just can't have this kind of conversation on who was how when they were alive. They were the best they were able to be. They are all gone, I can't be mad at them anymore, but my brother is and he doesn't want to be told otherwise.

I am, it's much better than it was at the beginning, work helps a lot!! How is this time of year going for you? Hope all is good Smile

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sophiab
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@dori My 4th house Saturn transit (when it went through Capricorn) was easier for me, I think because I have Saturn in Cancer in the 10th natally - it was hard, but it was a type of hard I already knew. You may find Saturn through Pisces has overlaps with your natal Saturn in 12th - in the sense that you have familiarity with dealing with the energy and can dig into it better than someone with no such familiarity.🙂

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Dori
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@sophiab yes, it will probably be like that. I was so lonely during that transit, lost, but I didn't know astrology like I know today. And I didn't have all of you here, which is a great comfort and love. Smile

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Dahlia
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Ah Dori!! 

im sorry to hear you feel this way. Sunlight does help, and i went trough that same feeling and the advice is to trust in yourself not on others, you otherwise get disappointed often. 

sometimes people fall away when you are going trough a hard time, and as hard as that is. It’s meant to remind you that you are strong enough. 

sending hugs and lots of strength. 

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Dori
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@carmen thank you! I'm an intense person and I know I'm not easy to deal with, especially when I'm sad. I'm surrounded by men, which I don't say it's bad, but they don't have much understanding. They have it for a day or an hour, depending, but more than that, it's just annoying for them but not because sadness is annoying, it's what you've said: sometimes people fall away when you are going trough a hard time, and as hard as that is. That's true.

 

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Dahlia
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@dori even tho you may feel like you are intense .

you are only human and humans have feelings . The sad part is that not everyone stays around when you are going trough stuff . It’s a lesson in how to more trust in yourself . And never try to pull at the legs of a dead horse my grandmother always says. 

And it’s also about being more loving towards yourself. 
And maybe your brother is showing you that you need to choose you. Instead of them. You were born you and die like you. You are not them. 
learning to love being alone, learn to appreciate to be on your own. 
and in time the rest will follow.

love and light

 

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Dori
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@carmen Never try to pull at the legs of a dead horse, what does it mean? Smile

I just began to learn what it means to love yourself or to put yourself first sometimes. He would like for me to choose them more often, but under their turns and I'm just sick of some kind of rules that exist just to make the other person feel obligated to follow them because if you don't you won't get anything. We are adults, not kids anymore. But he always got away with things, so, as hard as it gets, I'm letting go. I'm too tired to compete with them.

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Dahlia
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@dori I’m sorry I just read your reply . It means no use in holding on or try to pull something that is dead. If people won’t budge or stay the same, it’s better to look forward. And help yourself. 

and you may look after yourself every time. Other people show you they do the same. And if someone try to make the rules for me, I’m out. 
I know it’s hard on you . But you have to let go for your own sanity. 

lots of light to you in these days 

Dahlia 

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