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la_sirena
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I have Borderline Personality Disorder characteristics. Not super strongly, but they’re definitely there. It’s gotten better as I’ve gotten older. But I have this fear of being alone.. its an insecurity and it’s not a normal fear - it feels like I would die if I were to lose my security, which I look for in someone else. I need someone else to help me fell secure and very few people can.. I don’t trust 99.9 percent of people. I just realized that I partly feel secure because I know my husband would never leave me. I know this in my bones. So even when we were at our lowest, when I probably should have left him, I didn’t. 
He’s a Scorpio with a Cap Moon, Scorpio Rising. He also has Moon square a Libra stellium, Pluto/Jupiter/Mercury/Saturn. My poor husband has been through the ringer with me. But he also put me through the ringer so... But if he is one thing it is Loyal.

 

We’re ok now but I’m just thinking... I kept thinking my own money will make me feel secure, so I worked my ass off to achieve that, and I keep working and working and working and wearing myself out, but it goes far deeper than that. Far far deeper. I have my own money now and I still have that fear.

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la_sirena
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I am also very behind developmentally, which is characteristic of BPD. It’s hard to explain, because in a lot of ways I seem like a normal adult, but I am really like 8-10 years behind my peers and it’s always been this way - I mean, I grow and mature like everyone else, but I can’t seem to catch up to them, I’m always a little different. It’s self-concept related and how I view myself in relation to my experiences in the outer world that is immature for my age. I even physically look 10 years younger...and dress and act and think, carry myself. I’m closing the gap slowly but it’s been a really hard process. 

excuse me for sharing all this, I’m just processing. It’s been a long time since I’ve done a self eval. I’ll get out of my woe-is-me self-absorption soon.

ETA: And this is what the traumatic event of witnessing violence and then losing dearly loved parent and thereafter making a child live in constant fear while neglecting their emotional needs will do to them. 

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Warped
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@la_sirena 

No amount of earnings or assets can make anyone completely secure -- nothing is guaranteed in this crazy world -- but they do give you independence, self esteem, and power, the freedom to not have to depend on or be obligated to anyone else.  No person can do that for you either -- they might be loyal but they're also mortal.  

Don't knock looking, feeling, acting ten years younger -- enjoy it while you can, it won't last forever.  Perhaps in your work it's unavoidable, but I don't think it's ever wise to measure yourself against others.  We are all unique.  Why even care what others think or do?

No violence in my childhood other than being bullied by other children, but my parents were older than most and not equipped for a precocious, willful, controlling, imaginative dreamer.  I did lose my dad at 17, became even more control-freaky.  I didn't seek a mate for a sense of security, but to give My life a purpose, to live out that script I'd compiled over the years from countless novels and old movies.

We all have to take stock sometimes.  Sharing is good, brings insights and new perspectives to others. 

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sophiab
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@la_sirena I'm sorry you went through that and it's led to ongoing struggles. It's hard acknowledging the truth of ourselves, really hurts to look and feel it, but also it's a massive step forward in healing and getting free of the legacy of trauma. I'm sure you've explored therapy, I found it can really help get to the root of the emotions that keep you feeling trapped in anxiety and insecurity. It helps to have a secure structure in your life, like a steady job while you're doing it so maybe you can find a way to benefit further from all your hard work getting financially secure.

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okscorpiogal
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wITH MY HAND/ARM PROBLEM (LEFT) i JUST CAN HARDLY POST BUT WILL BE STOPPING IN TO READ AND TRY TO CATCH UP.  PAT

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Elsa
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@okscorpiogal yay!!  Good to see you!!

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NotMyCircus
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@okscorpiogal Glad you’re back! 👋🏻

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sophiab
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@okscorpiogal Good to see you Pat!

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Warped
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@okscorpiogal 

Hallelujah!  So glad you're okay.  Perhaps you can try speech-to-text if posting from your phone?  

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jana
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@okscorpiogal 

Hi! Good to see you Smile

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mokihana
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@okscorpiogal Yes, glad to see you're back!

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Elsa
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Funeral is on Wednesday. I'm at a loss for words.

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Elsa
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So we bought this house from this gal and her husband. It's her sink... she designed my kitchen. It's really more her kitchen than mine. I still feel I live in her house in a way.

Her husband thought she would outlive him. Not sure what he's going to do. They built a small house but it's 25 min away. His family is around here and at least one person told me they hope he moves back, closer to his family.

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Warped
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@elsa 

Poor man!  I didn't realize who the woman who died was.  Perhaps he could come stay with you for a while?  Is that historic cottage on your property livable?  

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mokihana
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@elsa I am so touched by this. Living in a home and especially being in a kitchen designed by this friend. It reminds me so much of returning to my childhood home, to remodel and renovate it. My husband told him as he remodeled it,"Saw your Mom. She was checking me out." She seemed to like what he was doing to her kitchen. Homes have long memories. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and your friend's family.

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Elsa
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@mokihana Thank you. The funeral is tomorrow. This has hit me...not really in a way I didn't expect. It's just that stage 3 pancreatic cancer generally takes a person very quickly. Not this time... and when she's survived all these months, I think I went into some kind of denial about it.

I do feel... I don't know how to describe, in her kitchen which is now mine.  She put the oven up high and was criticized for it.  She mentioned this to me.  But she did not like bending over to get things from the oven...

Stuff like this. It's her kitchen. It's also all Corian, including the sinks. The counter and the sinks are all one piece.  I guess people hate this or love it; its dated or it's cool. I think it's cool. The kitchen is indestructible, basically.

She also worked for an appliance manufacturer so I have an insane refrigerator and ANOTHER spare insane refrigerator, in the crate, in the garage for when this one breaks!

Now get this... we did have something go wrong. The refrig repairman said the circuit board in the appliance was made in Japan in a factory lost in the tsunami. So these boards are in demand. Worth $3K!  This is the cost if you have an old board to send back to them. So its $3500 for the replacement board, then if you give them your board, they will give you $500 back.

They did not pay full price of course.  Discontinued model. I think they paid a few hundred for each appliance.

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Elsa
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Someone got my credit card info.  Arrgh.

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NotMyCircus
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@elsa That’s a pain. Seems like this stuff is happening more frequently, too. The wife of one of my clients is dealing with fraud now, involving bank accounts and her credit card. Someone got her bank info and social security number, tried to open new accounts and everything. She’s not even sure how it got started, maybe with AT&T? All I know is she’s cleaning up this mess on top of all the other juggling she has to do daily. 

 

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Elsa
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@notmycircus I am getting robo-called now.  About id theft.

The cc fraud guy asked if I had taken the card anywhere in the last two days. He implied they were using a physical card.

Had not left the house in that time period.

I will say these credit card companies are very good at detecting fraud.  They know, pretty much instantly. I also think they're very careful this time of year. Fraud season! But I have had this happen at least ten times. 

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jana
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aw that sux!

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Elsa
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Home from the funeral.

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