Why Is A Woman Not Interested In A Nice Guy?

venus marleneWhat if you’re single and you’ve had a string of lousy and/or very short-lived relationships over the course of several years.  You’ve had some involvements or even a lot of involvements but none of the people you’ve mixed it up with was very good for you so you’re getting nowhere.

But then someone comes along with all the qualities you thought you wanted. These are the same qualities people tell you that you’re supposed to want and on top of that they are inordinately interested you. They want you badly! But for some reason, in spite of their appreciation of you and in spite of the fact they can “see” you and acknowledge you where others have not, you’re not interested.  If you’re a thoughtful person you now have to question yourself: Why do I want the person who is no good for me over the person who is good for me? Do I like to be treated poorly?

And if you do not want this person who treats you so well ( the guy on the white horse) does this mean nothing and no one will ever satisfy? Hmm…

Let’s say you opt to pass on this person. What do you do for an encore? Go find a jerk?

If you do go find a jerk, what does that mean? That you are doomed to dating jerks and this is all you’ll ever do?

Or what if you don’t pass on the nice guy? What if you marry them? Everyone thinks you should. But then you’re married and everywhere you go, other people turn your head.


Does this other person simply lack charisma or does your lack of attraction have to do with you?

These are the hard questions facing one of my friends at the moment.

Have you ever had to take a hard cold look at your love nature? What did you learn and where is your Venus?

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Why Is A Woman Not Interested In A Nice Guy? — 92 Comments

  1. Oh that was me in my 20s! KT – he started as a friend and fell in love with me. And I left him for a guy who turned my head. And of course who vanished in the blink of an eye. Flash forward to my 40s and I now fantasize about meeting a man like KT…..

  2. Sigh… I always want the silent, unapproachable, immovable types that are going to leave me panicked and in tears when my profound trust issues manifest lol.

    However I do understand this. It is a fear of being alone/lacking attention. It’s like an any attention ends up as good attention thing.

  3. I feel like the other person…. the one who did the chasing, being told we’d be “perfect” only to be rejected. Let me tell you, it really really hurts. But, sometimes you just recognise it has nothing to do with you and you feel a bit better knowing that they’ll never be happy. It is the only solace.

    It kinda cheered me up to read this, how terrible it is that????

  4. Married the ‘good guy’ who did everything right and we divorced 4 years later, three of which were sexless. There was NO spark there once we were married and settled down. Why didn’t I see this from the beginning? Well for many reasons, a) I was too young to understand my wants and needs completely, b) I met and married him within 8 months and so had not known him long enough, c) shortly after getting married we moved to the UK to live and frankly there was just too much going on to take too close of a look at the issues.

    When we divorced I went on a spree of sex with ‘bad boys’ because that is what I craved at the time. I realized very quickly that what I was looking for was a mixture of the two – a balanced version to satisfy my Libra Sun if you will. I wanted a manly man, who could fix my car, ride a motorcycle and dress in leather but who wasn’t afraid to show me love, tenderness, and respect. Sounds like a long shot, huh? It was, but I found him in my lovely Scorpio man. 🙂

    I don’t think the issue is with the other person. I think it lay in understanding our own wants and needs and identifying what will satisfy those. And BE HONEST with yourself! Otherwise how will you ever find the right person? If you want to be tied up and whipped then how will you ever be happy with a person who finds that abhorrent? Just sayin….

  5. I sometimes wonder if it’s some type of past life karma? You’re not meant to find love in this lifetime, due to bad past deeds. It’s just something to think about.

    • No. That’s not possible. Certainly not for you, Anonymoushermit. Save up your money, and visit Montreal in Pride Week next summer… In fact, plan to go to church at the gay-friendly St-Pierre-Apotre church, on René-Lévesque St. If catholicisme is ok for you. Whatever, I’m convinced there’s a man, sad because he doesn’t yet know you – sure of it.
      Or visit any city, in their Pride Week… You’re someone’s dreamboat, for sure.

  6. I’m wondering if this has more to do with how we value our selves rather than our actual love nature/venus placement. Chiron could actually play in here as well. Like if the person who is all about your friend and sees how great your friend is how does their Chiron hit her chart? The Chiron person will come in and see everything so wonderful about her, but this is where she’s wounded and has low self esteem in this area so she will run, venus could have a factor I guess, but I think when it comes down to it it’s your friend who makes the choice of deciding to jump in and give this nice person a try and I mean a good try where she puts effort in to the relationship. If a person is treated like shit by their ex partners once they meet someone who is a nice person they run because they’ve never had that experience before with a partner and think theres something wrong with that person for seeing value in them, but really its the one who is running who doesn’t see the value in themselves.

  7. Also I wanted to add that all too often I’ve notice people misinterpret drama for passion. This could also play a factor in how a person reacts to towards a potential partner if they have been used to drama filled relationships throughout their lives. So if this new person who has great qualities isn’t brining drama in to their life or relationship this other person will assume there is no passion. This is not this case. This person is just involved with a healthy person, and needs to look within themselves and resolve their need for unhealthy drama. Then they will be able to interpret what passion actually is.

  8. Capricorn Descendant. Venus in 10th house, Aries. Conjunct Jupiter, Trine Uranus and Saturn, sextile Mars, and square my Ascendant. And I’m a Taurus sun.

    I dated and dated and dated – but I tried something new each time. So I dated all different types, people that were wrong in all different ways. Really I just had to be persistent. And I found my match eventually. I did not have to settle for the “nice” guy that bored me. He’s not perfect, and neither am I, but our relationship is what we both want.

  9. Women generally want a man whos dangerous towards other men but is kind protective over their woman. Honestly most of the guys that were like the one described in the original blog post, were just weak in my view but passing themselves off as a safe bet. I dont want to be treated poorly, thats for sure. But i do appreciate men who dont let me stand out front when shit goes down. In most cases i dont think it has much to do with self esteem. Its what we want, biologically.

    • that’s a very good point. i needed someone who would stand up for me. eventually i found one. (of course it was a bit more complicated than that.)

  10. Are you on birth control? That changes how a woman can detect someone genetically similar to them. A study was done where women would smell a man’s shirt and decide if they liked them. Those not on B.C. preferred those with differing genes.

    Besides that, I’m confused how protecting and providing is confused for wanting a man who is dangerous. Surely all are true but certainly provisioning creates longevity, not dangerous people. Just don’t be a pussy, right? Pussies don’t hunt, fish or forage. Well, I know a pussy who forages. But he’s a pussy by choice because it allows him to still get pussy and see his kids.

    • Im not sure if youre adressing me personally? Are you asking me, if im on birth control? No, and ive only been on it for one week in my life. My fertility is part of my vital life force.

      And i think i meant dangerous as in, “will protect me and my children from getting raped or kidnapped or attacked by a bear”. (Of course those are extremes but thats the reality that contributed to our genetic makeup).
      So Like you said, not a pussy. I almost used that term but hesitated for some reason. So ya, some danger is involved in protecting and providing, even in this modern age. Or at least the potential is there.

  11. ..I used to go to domestic violence support groups. Sometimes women are drawn to someone that gives them drama that they are used to dysfunctional family life ect. The women were encouraged to give the boring guy a chance.
    My initial reaction to my second husband was “yawn” but I am so glad I gave him a chance.He was my knight in shining armor,leader of the pack ,mans man ,yet with a gentle heart.

  12. I’m a nice guy, I always have been and although I do not know if I am genetically, my parents are both high testosterone types, and so am I in a lot of ways; I have a medical condition that massively slows me down and stops me doing the daredevil like things I’d naturally be doing and makes me generally cautious in a lot of ways.

    This is synchronistic as always. I’m going out with a group of work colleagues today and one of the girls there I have ‘sort of’ fancied. But when I asked her out she replied that she was busy all this week… I.e. busy with dates I assume. Kind of disgusting not something I want to put up with. The trouble is even though I am that girls do like to flirt in order to bring me out of my shell if I don’t give them any attention.

    I need to make a sign on my facebook (I might actually do that). “Listen, I know I am the nice guy and I prefer to follow up my other endeavors (like career and money based ideas) and socialise with guys. Please do not waste both of our times by convincing yourself you like me.”

    I must look good physically. Girls do openly flirt with me but when I start talking they get difficult. At least I think that’s how it goes.

    OK, that last sentence seems very passive aggressive, and also I don’t add work colleagues to my facebook BUT, somehow it would be good if the message did get through. I am absolutely fine with celibacy I always have been. In fact I’m the kind of person that calculates a relationships worth and without love (invalidated by crappy behaviour) it is usually not a good deal in my opinion. I.e. sex and perhaps emotional connection is traded for putting up with garbage and giving money and energy that would FAR better be spend elsewhere.

    But the economic model where a girl goes and sleeps with a domestically abusing lout instead of a ‘loving’ connection me and her have (as has happened before and I hope it hurt!) Batches with an i (moderation!) cannot be taxing the guy that went out and made something of himself to feed the offspring they have with some degenerate who treats her according to her worth.

    Tax is theft.

  13. Hardly any man gets waxings or piercings. This shows that the answer is that women love to suffer. That’s at least the psychological answer. The astrological answer should immediately have been: SYNASTRY! I can again only wonder why nobody checks the synastry with people interested in dating. Perhaps because you would exclude some possibilities of suffering this way?

    • For years,I have used synastry to undestand personal relationships. A month at any new job, birthdays posted.
      My last rapport she had her moon on my sun, my sun sign was on her descendant. Very compatible.

      Sometimes moon-mars, venus-mars bring strong physical attraction; but with no good mercury aspsects,communication
      Might be difficult, venus-sun,venus-moon brings affection
      Compatibility. Normally, saturn-sun, saturn-mercury might be deal breakers but if the person with the saturn is aware
      He could try to be less critical.
      They used to say if you meet someone with saturn on your MC,
      Run. Any synastry comparison there are always some adverse aspects.I am sure Elsa has Synastry charts availible for purchase.

      • And has checking the synastry helped you? Did you ever run away or run towards because of the synastry? If you would otherwise have not?

    • My chart has north moon node on ascendant, south node on descendant. Like a Saturn. The north node is physical protection, or maybe focus on self over relationships.I feel past-life war and relationships.
      But like all past-life and karma, very difficult to prove, you meet someone you
      Are very comfortable with, or are drawn to going to distant, exotic places.
      Is this out of past-life or
      Living a mundane,boring existence? Is afflicted or retrograde Venus, working out past karma or just unlucky aspects on your date of birth.

  14. ((I had to double-check, make certain I haven’t responded here before))

    “Nice Guy”…. sometime earlier this year (or perhaps sometime in last December) I ran across a YouTube video on this topic.

    Basically, the narrator said that women generally don’t want to know that a guy is “nice”. Don’t want him to advertise it verbally…. but let it be obvious by his actions. A Rule of Thumb: to be assertive when necessary, gentle when called for,and always ready to act forcefully to restore order.

    This YouTube video has given me renewed hope…… there are women out there who appreciate men who are not “Bad Boys”. Or at least have outgrown them.

  15. Does this other person simply lack charisma?
    He might have charisma for all other people in the world yet not tickle my fancy.

    Or does your lack of attraction have to do with you?
    I need chemistry. I need it otherwise I’d rather read a good book. On astrology for instance.Or human relationships.

    Have you ever had to take a hard cold look at your love nature?
    Yes, during midlife

    What did you learn and where is your Venus?
    My Venus is in Cancer and in 00.00 degrees on my Gemini ASC at 29.48 degrees. It has no clue and is still learning about all those other weird people.

  16. All I know is that the nice guy almost always finishes last. When I dated, girls were more attracted to the bad boys, like a moth to the flame.

    • Venus opp Neptune.delusion or illusion in love.
      Saturn transit opposition Venus, traditionally not
      the best time for meet and greet,also, house transitted.
      Every 28-29 years Saturn aspects all planets and houses.
      The most difficult transits for me were saturn opp mercury,
      Jupiter thru 12th, and last three months, direct and retrograde Uranus opp Saturn..(two more weeks!)

  17. it just sounds like a string of bad luck for the woman who keeps getting bad relationship after another and never going for the nice guy. she sounds like a thrill seeker.

  18. Is that why I quit painting?? He’s a lawyer who took my painting class and loves painting, but we’ve broken up and I have lost my interest in painting…it’s hurting my income!! Maybe I should I go back to journalism school at my advanced age?? Maybe I will force myself to pick up a brush.

  19. Hi,
    I was in line at a family dollar recently, a thirty-year old
    Woman in front of me was in tears.I asked her what was wrong.
    She said her live-with boyfriend had torn up her only baby
    Pictures from her first marriage. I told her I was sorry to hear that. That she was a good person and deserved better.
    She then said. “I love him.”
    No matter what I told her, and what new abuse was done to her-She would stay with him.

    We all have been in relationships not good for us.
    In 2003, working in a Santa Barbara law office. Five desks in a room. Heather was hired a month before, good worker,
    Great personality,dressed sharp. Two days straight did not come in.I asked the administrator. He said she was in a battered womens’ shelter and would not be coming back.
    So sad..So much going for her.made good choices except for her men.Is it low-esteem. Instead of choosing one of thousands of nice men,she chooses an abuser.

  20. fix your eyes.
    it’s what i did.
    some useful questions to ask:
    what do you want? (like really really really want? need?)
    what are you scared of?
    what gives you that zing? (boring guys may also be nice but they’re still boring.)
    are you more comfortable being unhappy? does it feel more natural? do you have good models of happy relationships to work from?
    (i have venus in the eighth aspecting a bunch of things including eris, pluto, saturn, and uranus)

  21. Hmmm Interesting. I think it is about understanding your love nature and using that energy so that it works for you. Being with a nice a guy because you think you should is just as fucked up as being with a jerk who doesn’t appreciate you. Plus you end up screwing around and hurting a nice guy setting up bad psychology for him when he could be with someone more compatible. Ultimately I think choosing a good partner for yourself means knowing yourself flaws, warts and all, otherwise you’re going to repeat patterns with either choice or both. Get down with your own psychology and you’ll be able to pull the right man for you. Someone who has lived and learned or should I say still learning. Venus in Libra conjunct Pluto & Saturn in the 8th house!

    • ‘Plus you end up screwing around and hurting a nice guy setting up bad psychology for him when he could be with someone more compatible.’

      Read all the comments above and see that nobody wants the nice guy! So he couldn’t be with a more compatible one. This is usually how you know that you’ve met a nice guy. Probably it would make more sense to examine the problem in the natal chart of the nice guy.

  22. Trying to respond to falkor on planet composite. Don’t run to or run away. If your current boss is fired and the new person has Saturn on your mercury, might be critical of your way of thinking. Not impossible but more challenging.
    Social, romantic it is nice
    If there is Venus, sun..
    Affinity but for me without some good mercury aspects
    Communication will be lacking, we all like people like ourselves, with similar interests,ideas.

    • ‘If your current boss is fired and the new person has Saturn on your mercury, might be critical of your way of thinking. Not impossible but more challenging.’

      Avoiding situations like this is why I concern myself with astrology. My Mercury can probably deal well with a Saturn because I have Mercury contraparallel Saturn in my natal, but in general Saturn in conjunction with a personal planet of mine would be a reason to run away. A Venus on my Mercury is a reason for running towards. How does synastry help if you just stay and bear whatever? Only because you know when your boss is more critical about your way of thinking? This can still be an obstacle in your career. Perhaps I think different of this because I don’t want to be in a position like the described one, but want to be the boss of the boss. Working environment, especially regarding human relations, would I see as the key factor of success of the company. Perhaps only those with similar goals understand my point of view on astrology?

      • Thank you.for writing back. I agree better to be the boss than the bossed.
        All astrology,natal,transits,progressed,
        Synastry should give us,insight to better
        Lives.You see or feel an adverse synastry aspect with a supervisor or co-worker you could try to talk it out-or move on.
        Positve synastry in romantic rapports,e.g.,venus-moon,venus-mars,venus-mercury run or fly to. LOL

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