Why Is A Woman Not Interested In A Nice Guy?

What if you’re single and you’ve had a string of lousy and/or very short-lived relationships over the course of several years.  You’ve had some involvements or even a lot of involvements but none of the people you’ve mixed it up with was very good for you so you’re getting nowhere.

But then someone comes along with all the qualities you thought you wanted. These are the same qualities people tell you that you’re supposed to want and on top of that they are inordinately interested you. They want you badly! But for some reason, in spite of their appreciation of you and in spite of the fact they can “see” you and acknowledge you where others have not, you’re not interested.  If you’re a thoughtful person you now have to question yourself: Why do I want the person who is no good for me over the person who is good for me? Do I like to be treated poorly?

And if you do not want this person who treats you so well ( the guy on the white horse) does this mean nothing and no one will ever satisfy? Hmm…

Let’s say you opt to pass on this person. What do you do for an encore? Go find a jerk?

If you do go find a jerk, what does that mean? That you are doomed to dating jerks and this is all you’ll ever do?

Or what if you don’t pass on the nice guy? What if you marry them? Everyone thinks you should. But then you’re married and everywhere you go, other people turn your head.

Hmm.

Does this other person simply lack charisma or does your lack of attraction have to do with you?

These are the hard questions facing one of my friends at the moment.

Have you ever had to take a hard cold look at your love nature? What did you learn and where is your Venus?

pictured – Sleeping Venus, c. 1510, Giorgione b. 1477, Castelfranco, d. 1510, Venezia, Oil on canvas

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Why Is A Woman Not Interested In A Nice Guy? — 90 Comments

  1. I’ve tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to force myself to date the people I should date. I hated every second of it. I had to physically restrain myself from running away, and when I did run, they chased me. I tried to “give them a chance” and couldn’t.
    So, no matter what, you really can’t date someone you don’t like from minute one and still don’t like them the more you get to know them (or force yourself to make out with them).
    But when the only people that turn you on turn out to be bad…honestly, the only thing I’ve found that I can do is to avoid them altogether and take the hint that I shouldn’t date again before I’ve gone through 20 years of therapy 😛

  2. Is this about me? lol it sounds like it could be. Even though my love life is practically inexistent, that has happened. It’s hard for me to be interested in someone who overtly likes me. It’s too easy, I can’t do that. Why do they like me? Do they even know me? They must be insane.
    Oh no, I’m always looking for the distant, silent, unobtainable man. Therapy would probably be a good idea. I’m not sure this is a reflection of Venus in Scorpio, 7th house, probably more related to Venus conjunct Saturn and Pluto. But also the fact that I’m a Sag, as you’ve well told me a few weeks ago.

  3. For the 2nd time this week, the post of the day is exactly what’s been running through my head before I load up this page. Definitely guilty of this pattern – I don’t think it has to do with the other person lacking charisma.
    Venus in Virgo conjunct Saturn.

  4. I’d say that the person looking should (a) not settle for someone that doesn’t light their fire (see exception below) (b) look into some therapy, self-examination, spiritual exploration (c) accept that the timing isn’t right for them.

    Otherwise they’re headed for a lot more pain down the road. They are likely to cause more pain to this wonderful sould who wants them so badly.

    Exception: If you’re buddhist and have a firm grasp of your spiritual practice and willing to view the marriage as an arranged marriage ie an adventure of getting to know someone and getting to know yourself through that someone you’ve committed your life to. Well then. It works, and well, at that.

    What a sticky, painful situation. I wouldn’t settle. Not if you’re looking elsewhere. Not if you don’t want to haul the guy off to bed at every chance possible.

    Good luck either way.

  5. this brings to mind some advice you gave me a while back…why can’t she have both? not both men, but both “types” in one? just because this fellow fits the mold of what she SHOULD be looking for, she can’t ignore the fact that he doesn’t light her fire. and just because her fire most often gets lit by guys who are bad for her, that doesn’t mean she’s doomed to nothing but bad guys. it could simply be that, while this guy fits the mold, perhaps he just isn’t “the one”.

    i’ve been thru similar, going yrs and yrs w/only the “bad boy” type. and now, the one i’ve decided to stay w/isn’t a total bad boy, but isn’t totally ‘perfect’ either…i’d say he’s a decent combination of both – and i like that. perhaps she just has to find that magical combination? just my thought…

    p.s. Venus is Taurus in the 3rd here 🙂

  6. Venus in Sagittarius in the first . . . had a panic attack once when I said ‘yes’ to a proposal of marriage. Took a looong time to figure out why & start making better choices. When I did get married, it was done really fast & when Neptune was exactly squaring my Moon so I was totally nutz in ‘Love’. Worked out fine as we’ve been happily together for 17 years.

  7. venus in leo here — and stuck in an unfulfilling on/off long distance relationship. even tho every fiber of my being screams ‘run away’ (maybe influenced by sun, merc & mars in gem) can’t seem to let go. think it’s because of our almost exact chiron links. *sigh* know what you would say elsa, *lol* move on! 😉

  8. Well, I am completely fogged out concerning my lovelife: I don’t know whether I am coming or going, or whether he is coming or going. I am a bit sad that I don’t seem to go for the white horse type (boring). Venus in scorp in the 5th

    • I hear ya sister. Venus in Scorpio in the 2nd house. I like a guy who isn’t glassy eyed in front of a television watching sports whose chief ambition in life is to pay off the mortgage
      not matter how nice he is
      Im not looking for a bad boy. I’m looking for a guy who gets it. whos awake and is not taken in by all the bullcrap.

  9. Yes, I’m taking a hard look at my love nature for the last months. Still a long way to go.

    Being a pisces, every once in a while I atract people with venus in pisces, that treat me like a goddess, but I never fall in love with them, though I like the treatment and try to relate to them as much as possible, but it’s like I think they are deluded, and it won’t last long anyway, so I don’t feel like I can invest.
    Usually they don’t have other characteristics I’m looking for.
    People that have what I’m looking for either don’t feel the same way, or are stuck in some other relationship and don’t plan to ever leave them.
    Venus in capricorn in the 12, trine saturn in the 7th. sweet.

  10. I’m with Lilly on this one. Had the same problem myself for years, and became convinced that maybe I did only want “bad boys.” It turned out that I just needed a weird thing: a nice guy who was both stable and completely unpredictable at the same time. Which is hard to find, but I did. So perhaps your friend needs to find that rare someone who has enough contradictions to make her happy. Venus in Virgo in the fourth.

  11. at the moment I’m thinking that as much as I don’t like someone not seeing who I am and treating me crappily, I also do not like someone not knowing who I am and treating me like a goddess. I want that quiet period at the beginning where someone actually gets to know me and THEN decides. that actually did happen once with good results but we split (pretty amicably) because we recognized some issues that were dealbreakers (children and readiness for committment).

    cap moon square venus, fifth to ninth house.

  12. No, I think sometimes intuition is telling us that we are incompatible in some way that we don’t know yet. This has been true for me at least. But I’m very intuative and although I’ve been in relationships with guys that ultimately turned out to be jerks, jerky-ness was never something that attracted me.

  13. When I was much younger (20; I’m now 36), I briefly dated someone like you’re describing: wonderful, did all the right things…but there was no chemistry and no spark.

    He went on to date and marry someone else who had been pining for him for a long time. Meanwhile, my love life went nowhere.

    Even being as lonely as I was, it would have been a huge mistake if I stayed with him. I’m the lady with the Pluto-Venus-Uranus conjunction (6th house) who Elsa advised a few weeks back. This particular man was a Taurus with a Cancer Moon. Suffice to say that a Taurus/Cancer and a wild Venus were ill-suited for each other.

    After that, I wouldn’t get seriously involved with anyone unless I felt some kind of connection. “No spark” doesn’t mean you’re choosing to ignore that the guy is a good guy–good guy or not, if there’s no spark, there will never be a spark.

  14. I have a friend in a similar situation and the thing is that everyone around her says that he treats her wonderfully (and he does) and that she is being stupid by being on the fence about him, because she tends to date assholes. So she feels bad because he is being very nice to her and she feels guilty about not feeling the same way about him (they are currently dating).

    I told her that she just doesn’t like him. And there is nothing she can do about it, because he sort of creeps her out. I don’t want to date someone who creeps me out.

    As for me — I have been extraordinarily lucky in my relationships and I don’t regret anything. Men who are good and kind and handsome sort of turn up at the right times for me.

    Venus in Virgo in the 7th, with my Sun and my Mercury.

  15. My Venus is in Capricorn (trine Asc, trine uranus)and have been single for about 3 years – Cappy high standards hmmmm. Attracted to hard-working and together partners.

  16. I look at my love life constantly. At least weekly. I constantly reevaluate what we’re doing here, what I’m getting out of it, what he is, if we’re getting along, if so why not, analyze, analyze. It’s enough to drive anyone crazy.

    I am the pursuer. I have had plenty of ‘relationships’ and mostly of the short, sexual kind (ahem). I have only had two serious relationships (including the one I’m in). I love pursuing and then I feel trapped if the other person doesn’t do it for me beyond the short term. So for me, if the physical passion burns out quickly, so does my interest. I am not interested in a passionless relationship; my first serious one was this (the guy had substance abuse problems).

    Venus conjunct Mars in Aries (Grad Fire Trine).
    My relationship now is over 5 years old and going well. Really well.

  17. I don’t even know anymore. Venus in Libra. Two ex-husbands who I couldn’t stand living with but who are actually really great people, way superior to anyone I’ve dated since. You know what else? I’m 40 now, have my life together, a child, still get whistles and catcalls; in other words, part of the growing trend of divorced-got-their-shit-together women who are not dependent on men and want to receive the same “stuff” they have to offer– attractive, financially and emotionally stable, sexually potent and enthusiastic, who have a lot to look forward to in life. And where are these men? Hell if I know!! I swear I am WAYYY losing patience. I want to know– hey mister, what are you bringing to the table, hmm? Your superior earning capability? I’m fine in that regard, thanks. Your intellect and rapier wit? Uh….I’m Ok there, too. Looks– “older” women are looking AWESOME these days.
    This is not to man-bash, really– I’d shrivel up without male attention– but as far as partnership goes, at this age I am not swayed by what would have impressed me when I was younger.
    Boy I sound crabby! But I don’t think I’m off here–times have changed, haven’t they?

    • Today a woman doesn’t have to be in a relationship. Forty years ago, at a family reunion or wedding, showing up without a boyfriend, fiance.. Brought comments but today women have careers,buy houses and are happy and successful without a partner.

  18. I’m with you on this one PixieDust!
    You said “And where are these men? Hell if I know!! I swear I am WAYYY losing patience. I want to know- hey mister, what are you bringing to the table, hmm? ”
    What can they bring to the table? – besides a bad divorce, drug addiction, mental illnes and unemployment? Whoops! sorry about that. I’m still looking…

  19. Couldn’t have summed it up better myself, PixieDust.

    Venus in Scorpio (ay-ya-ya) in the 11th couple with a Scorpio Sun/Pisces Moon.

    I like nice men i really do but where are they? The men i’ve met lately have seemed spoilt, self-centred and ‘troubled’. Has our independence created a generatation of ‘whiny-babies’?

  20. Alison–SO true! Not for all men, of course, but generally true for our age group (mid-late 30s and early 40s).

    If something ever happens to the Cap I’m married to, or if we divorce, I’m going into a cave. As much as I’d be craving a wonderful new romance (the 5th house Leo Sun, Libra Moon), I’m not going to get involved with just anyone for the sake of being WITH someone. I have my own issues, like starting over in a new career and caring for my kids–I don’t need someone’s issues and garbage spilling over into my life. I’d rather be alone. (Spoken like a true Virgo Venus! 😉 )

  21. venus in libra. I have been with the same man for 19 years. I have no idea what it would be like out in the dating world.

  22. The recent post on settling w/ Saturn moving into Virgo reminded me of this post… so I went looking for it. Did you advise your friend one way or the other on this?

  23. Nina – I don’t remember advising her. This is is so incredibly personal… it’s a “dark night of the soul” type question.

    What I did was define it so she could hone in on her own time. And I shared my experience when I came face to face with this myself some years ago so she could see where diving down to examine might lead her.

  24. I tend to settle for the nice guy who loves me who gives me what I want, over the mysterious, unattainable guy. Even if there might be more charisma and chemistry coming from afar, the one who loves me and wants me right here right now is ultimately the one I end up with. (provided there IS some chemistry between us)

    I must be some lazy Venus in Aries because even though I have no problems initiating, I hate “chasing”. I would rather be chased 🙂

    Venus in Aries, 6th house.

  25. This is the story of my life. Venus in Aries exactly conjunct Saturn and descendant, exactly trine Leo Moon. I notice several of us have venus conjunct saturn problems. elsa, please, any advice.

    p.s. so glad to see your status more healed!! feel good.

  26. I think this might involve a hard aspect to Neptune? The person loves the fantasy of love, but doesn’t truly want love, just the chase….just the fantasy of it. Basically I’m saying they want what’s not real!

    But then again I’m an amateur astrologer so I might be way off.

    • Pluto, I suspect. And, by the way, Venus+Pluto in composite chart turns that button. For most of us currently alive, this means Neptune is also in the equation (by being sextile, since a long time).

      Offtopic: autocorrect is so, so fricking stupid… same as all the test of AI.

  27. when the ‘good guy’ came along l resisted him as long as l could but the moment l gave in l’ve learned that l don’t want otherwise ever..l’ve learned to love myself. NN opposing Venus Chiron conjunct Venus

  28. When i dated (ten years ago), this was me. Thing is, even though i was 25, with 2 year old, i wasn’t ready for marriage. I wanted a partner, but never thought of marriage. Met a great man, he went on to marry, and have children (i was on the fence about children-he didn’t know….see? We wanted diff things) things work out for a reason.

    Virgo venus square gemini saturn.

    I really have no idea if this is me anymore. I’m more ready now, at 39, for something more permanent. If that’s marriage, who the hell knows.

  29. I have to say, meeting the “good one”, refined what i want in a man. I’ve only dated one person since, a bad one. That helped refine it too. Night and day, ya know??

  30. Venus in Libra —
    and you described to a perfect T the situation I am in right now.

    I am giving the knight on a white horse a go. He has persisted for a whole year. We met in the most magical way. I’ve GOT to find a way to see this thing through, owe this guy a good effort.

    I’ve also come to the conclusion over the years that being totally head over heels passionate about someone isn’t necessarily the best kind of relationship to have if you’re going for the long haul – like marriage. So many ups and downs, hot and colds. What I think really works is a partner you can build a solid foundation with, day in and day out.

    While your friend might not be attracted to this man as much as, say, the jerk next door, their relationship may for this very reason have the qualities that allow it to go the distance.

    I believe, and already feel it happening, that I am falling for this man in a way different than I ever have before. With the jerks/other people who don’t want me but I want them, it’s really carnal. It’s specific things, points of compatibility, that I realize I’m hanging my hat on, and keep me oblivious to other things, problems, like the fact that these other guys don’t actually want to be with me long term. The knight on the white horse isn’t perfect either, has his faults, and I see how I am attractive to him because I can help support the areas in which he is weak. What I’m getting at is, an opportunity like this can teach us things about love and commitment and relationships that we never knew before.

    It’s like trying a new food. Or drinking for the first time – at first it tastes disgusting, right?

    If I could, I’d tell the friend to try it, but take it very slow. Always make sure the suggestions of others don’t get to you – if it isn’t right for you, it isn’t right for you. But there’s no harm in seeing if you wouldn’t warm up to the idea over the course of a few months, hell, even a year.

    By doing so she will, at the very least, learn a lot about herself.

  31. interestingly enough, when I look up at the comments above, I think I am also the “C.” who posted in 2007 the exact opposite of what I wrote today, 2011. The difference: I’m on the other side of my Saturn return.

  32. Hee hee hee, I have Venus in Scorpio conjunct Pluto in the first house…. trines my pisces Mars in 5th.

    I do like unattainable men, who turn out to be quite selfish… I’ve been re-hashing the past with a High School friend this past week, and I explained that my first boyfriend kinda sexually abused me, but I was on the fence about weather or not I was just being a weak person “At the time…”, I think the Venus in Scorpio does make it quite confusing, mixing pain with love….anywho the funny thing is I ended up breaking up with the guy, not because I gained some self-worth and wasn’t going to take it anymore, but because I learned everything I could about him, he became BORING!, That was where I drew the line, LOL!

    Venus is Scorpio might have a hard time with a painless love life, but if there is no depth, they are GONE! hahahahaha!

    If I can find a nice guy, who treats me right, I would love that, because I worked out my self-worth and self-love issues, I know I’m awesome and I deserve it, whats not to love about me.

    However the deal-breaker is he has to be interesting, weird, super-smart, quirky, something that will give me something to chew on. LOL! That Sounds like a Uranus influence, I dunno, Uranus is widely conjunct my Sun but 5 degrees. It also just got done transiting my 5th house? Maybe thats it. LOL! But Pluto conjunct my Venus are trineing my Mars could be it too.

    I also second Satori. I want that quiet period at the beginning so that someone gets to know me, no illusions, Yanno? Throwing myself into something without safe boundaries can emotionally ruin my life.

  33. I have yet to have the pleasure of a date with anyone, guess I have to keep riding my white horse around helping my family, friends, and other people around me until I find my damsel in distress.

    I definitely see this time and time again.

    Did I ever take a hard look at myself from my perspective? Yes I found I cannot be like these other guys that cheat on their girl friends and wives, or in general treat anyone like crap. And I won’t I would prefer to be alone than have to.

    What have I learned?

    Well that unless some miracle happens there is no point even looking anymore as long as I have my current job due to the schedule conflicts it creates and the horrible commute. I could manage my other potential obstacles but this one is bad. I also learned that I cannot force it, I learned this several years ago. Also I learned that yes this does happen that nice girls end up with jerks often, not saying a large percentage, but often.

    Where is my Venus?

    Scorpio, Equal house 10 in a stellium with my Sun, Mercury, Neptune, MC, It’s house 9 Pladicus. But my Venus is also part of my t-square with Saturn rx in Taurus, and my Mars at Aquarius rising with Ceres.

    Progressed shows a bigillian t-squares. Venus in Capricorn house 10 equal in a stellum with the Sun, and MC, Pladicus Venus is house 9. Venus’ t-square here has Chiron squaring on one side in Aries and on the other side squaring Pluto rx in Virgo, and Uranus and Moon in Libra.

  34. Funny! The relationship I referred to in ’07 is over and PixieDust is now married!

    I’m in a different relationship and it doesn’t require a bucketload of analyzing. I’m happy:)

  35. Well i have Venus in Capricorn. Not exactly warm and cuddly and yet I can be. I like to feel secure in my relationships but I usually end up feeling insecure, never quite sure how the other really sees me. And I will start to jump through hoops to get the security I need or want. I don’t see anything wrong with this until it is too late and I have sacrificed myself. Then I lose all sense of my own power to be the best I know I can be. And it’s too late because the other person becomes disenchanted with me and sees me as too much work. But with my ex-husband he never saw me as too much work until the end. Then he couldn’t even deal with my lack of self-esteem that I had let myself fall into. So basically I give away my power. Sometimes, before this happens, I want the power in the relationship, to be the leader which can overwhelm some and make them flee. So either way I feel I lose.

  36. And it doesn’t matter if they treat me well or badly. The result is the same. So I have done this with jerks and I have done this with nice guys. But usually I find that boring to some degree and need the friction.

  37. Further, pardon my solilquy, I usually think it is me not them, unless they have a history of this sort of thing with women, treating them badly.

  38. I would have had more opportunities to meet someone (or more than one, over the years), had I not been so isolated and this one hit me early last year: with my family so often, when I was out.

    I need a certain amount of space, and I do get nervous, but at the same time, that changes with my comfort level, as with anything. My Moon/Venus conjoins the South Node and Vertex in the 8th (end of the 7th/beginning of 8th), sextiles Jupiter, trines Pluto, squares Mars in Pisces and is inconjunct Uranus/ascendant. I backed off from one boy, when he asked me out and started with, “I heard you had a crush on me.” I was kicking myself later, but right at that moment, my heart sank, wondering why he couldn’t just sound like he wanted to go out with me. I found out later that he’d been nervous beforehand, hence my kicking myself. This guy was born on the same day as me (exactly).

    I went through a period of being afraid of who I might attract, and then that shifted back to being open to something good, fun and stable. I needed to be out more, doing something like a class, in some sort of job – something – or just in one place on a regular basis. It’s easier to get to know me online, but that’s been weird for me, too.

  39. Oh, and it was seemingly good guy who lit my fire.. and his “wants” totally changed, even as he kept contacting me (when he knew how I felt), and he went the total opposite of most of the things I liked about him. Massive joke on me, from the Universe. I don’t find it at all funny, especially at my age.

  40. OMG – how this subject inspires comment! Hello ladies, I am OLD and surprised by that fact; after all, I’m a Scorpio sun, Cap moon and Venus in Sag. Things do change with the changes. I am married to a wonderfully sweet man who loves all of me. (He’s handsome for this age but not the most exciting!) It’s amazing how much friendship and a great physique make up for ‘bad boy’ behavior! If I weren’t with him, I’d be with myself! If my husband had any money, he’d be ideal! Alas, I have to do that part for myself!

  41. In fact, I have to do a lot for myself, but — hello — I have Venus square Saturn! You have to play the cards you’re dealt!

  42. I take it back about being with family: there have been plenty of times when I was walking around alone – I’ve been ogled, but rarely approached.

    And whatsisname doing a 180 personality-wise. I got an “I love you”, he disappeared a few weeks later, came back five weeks after that, announcing that he was going to try a drug (E), and turned into a party animal. He had mars/saturn, kept an emotional connection going with me, when I was trying to go in the direction i wanted, didn’t listen to me (it turns out). I forgot the name of a guy who just disappeared on me with a weak excuse when I was 22 (an online guy)- mum had to remind me of his name.

  43. Oh that was me in my 20s! KT – he started as a friend and fell in love with me. And I left him for a guy who turned my head. And of course who vanished in the blink of an eye. Flash forward to my 40s and I now fantasize about meeting a man like KT…..

  44. Sigh… I always want the silent, unapproachable, immovable types that are going to leave me panicked and in tears when my profound trust issues manifest lol.

    However I do understand this. It is a fear of being alone/lacking attention. It’s like an any attention ends up as good attention thing.

  45. I feel like the other person…. the one who did the chasing, being told we’d be “perfect” only to be rejected. Let me tell you, it really really hurts. But, sometimes you just recognise it has nothing to do with you and you feel a bit better knowing that they’ll never be happy. It is the only solace.

    It kinda cheered me up to read this, how terrible it is that????

  46. Married the ‘good guy’ who did everything right and we divorced 4 years later, three of which were sexless. There was NO spark there once we were married and settled down. Why didn’t I see this from the beginning? Well for many reasons, a) I was too young to understand my wants and needs completely, b) I met and married him within 8 months and so had not known him long enough, c) shortly after getting married we moved to the UK to live and frankly there was just too much going on to take too close of a look at the issues.

    When we divorced I went on a spree of sex with ‘bad boys’ because that is what I craved at the time. I realized very quickly that what I was looking for was a mixture of the two – a balanced version to satisfy my Libra Sun if you will. I wanted a manly man, who could fix my car, ride a motorcycle and dress in leather but who wasn’t afraid to show me love, tenderness, and respect. Sounds like a long shot, huh? It was, but I found him in my lovely Scorpio man. 🙂

    I don’t think the issue is with the other person. I think it lay in understanding our own wants and needs and identifying what will satisfy those. And BE HONEST with yourself! Otherwise how will you ever find the right person? If you want to be tied up and whipped then how will you ever be happy with a person who finds that abhorrent? Just sayin….

  47. I sometimes wonder if it’s some type of past life karma? You’re not meant to find love in this lifetime, due to bad past deeds. It’s just something to think about.

    • No. That’s not possible. Certainly not for you, Anonymoushermit. Save up your money, and visit Montreal in Pride Week next summer… In fact, plan to go to church at the gay-friendly St-Pierre-Apotre church, on René-Lévesque St. If catholicisme is ok for you. Whatever, I’m convinced there’s a man, sad because he doesn’t yet know you – sure of it.
      Or visit any city, in their Pride Week… You’re someone’s dreamboat, for sure.

  48. I’m wondering if this has more to do with how we value our selves rather than our actual love nature/venus placement. Chiron could actually play in here as well. Like if the person who is all about your friend and sees how great your friend is how does their Chiron hit her chart? The Chiron person will come in and see everything so wonderful about her, but this is where she’s wounded and has low self esteem in this area so she will run, venus could have a factor I guess, but I think when it comes down to it it’s your friend who makes the choice of deciding to jump in and give this nice person a try and I mean a good try where she puts effort in to the relationship. If a person is treated like shit by their ex partners once they meet someone who is a nice person they run because they’ve never had that experience before with a partner and think theres something wrong with that person for seeing value in them, but really its the one who is running who doesn’t see the value in themselves.

  49. Also I wanted to add that all too often I’ve notice people misinterpret drama for passion. This could also play a factor in how a person reacts to towards a potential partner if they have been used to drama filled relationships throughout their lives. So if this new person who has great qualities isn’t brining drama in to their life or relationship this other person will assume there is no passion. This is not this case. This person is just involved with a healthy person, and needs to look within themselves and resolve their need for unhealthy drama. Then they will be able to interpret what passion actually is.

  50. Capricorn Descendant. Venus in 10th house, Aries. Conjunct Jupiter, Trine Uranus and Saturn, sextile Mars, and square my Ascendant. And I’m a Taurus sun.

    I dated and dated and dated – but I tried something new each time. So I dated all different types, people that were wrong in all different ways. Really I just had to be persistent. And I found my match eventually. I did not have to settle for the “nice” guy that bored me. He’s not perfect, and neither am I, but our relationship is what we both want.

  51. Women generally want a man whos dangerous towards other men but is kind protective over their woman. Honestly most of the guys that were like the one described in the original blog post, were just weak in my view but passing themselves off as a safe bet. I dont want to be treated poorly, thats for sure. But i do appreciate men who dont let me stand out front when shit goes down. In most cases i dont think it has much to do with self esteem. Its what we want, biologically.

    • that’s a very good point. i needed someone who would stand up for me. eventually i found one. (of course it was a bit more complicated than that.)

  52. Are you on birth control? That changes how a woman can detect someone genetically similar to them. A study was done where women would smell a man’s shirt and decide if they liked them. Those not on B.C. preferred those with differing genes.

    Besides that, I’m confused how protecting and providing is confused for wanting a man who is dangerous. Surely all are true but certainly provisioning creates longevity, not dangerous people. Just don’t be a pussy, right? Pussies don’t hunt, fish or forage. Well, I know a pussy who forages. But he’s a pussy by choice because it allows him to still get pussy and see his kids.

    • Im not sure if youre adressing me personally? Are you asking me, if im on birth control? No, and ive only been on it for one week in my life. My fertility is part of my vital life force.

      And i think i meant dangerous as in, “will protect me and my children from getting raped or kidnapped or attacked by a bear”. (Of course those are extremes but thats the reality that contributed to our genetic makeup).
      So Like you said, not a pussy. I almost used that term but hesitated for some reason. So ya, some danger is involved in protecting and providing, even in this modern age. Or at least the potential is there.

  53. ..I used to go to domestic violence support groups. Sometimes women are drawn to someone that gives them drama that they are used to dysfunctional family life ect. The women were encouraged to give the boring guy a chance.
    My initial reaction to my second husband was “yawn” but I am so glad I gave him a chance.He was my knight in shining armor,leader of the pack ,mans man ,yet with a gentle heart.

  54. I’m a nice guy, I always have been and although I do not know if I am genetically, my parents are both high testosterone types, and so am I in a lot of ways; I have a medical condition that massively slows me down and stops me doing the daredevil like things I’d naturally be doing and makes me generally cautious in a lot of ways.

    This is synchronistic as always. I’m going out with a group of work colleagues today and one of the girls there I have ‘sort of’ fancied. But when I asked her out she replied that she was busy all this week… I.e. busy with dates I assume. Kind of disgusting not something I want to put up with. The trouble is even though I am that girls do like to flirt in order to bring me out of my shell if I don’t give them any attention.

    I need to make a sign on my facebook (I might actually do that). “Listen, I know I am the nice guy and I prefer to follow up my other endeavors (like career and money based ideas) and socialise with guys. Please do not waste both of our times by convincing yourself you like me.”

    I must look good physically. Girls do openly flirt with me but when I start talking they get difficult. At least I think that’s how it goes.

    OK, that last sentence seems very passive aggressive, and also I don’t add work colleagues to my facebook BUT, somehow it would be good if the message did get through. I am absolutely fine with celibacy I always have been. In fact I’m the kind of person that calculates a relationships worth and without love (invalidated by crappy behaviour) it is usually not a good deal in my opinion. I.e. sex and perhaps emotional connection is traded for putting up with garbage and giving money and energy that would FAR better be spend elsewhere.

    But the economic model where a girl goes and sleeps with a domestically abusing lout instead of a ‘loving’ connection me and her have (as has happened before and I hope it hurt!) Batches with an i (moderation!) cannot be taxing the guy that went out and made something of himself to feed the offspring they have with some degenerate who treats her according to her worth.

    Tax is theft.

  55. Hardly any man gets waxings or piercings. This shows that the answer is that women love to suffer. That’s at least the psychological answer. The astrological answer should immediately have been: SYNASTRY! I can again only wonder why nobody checks the synastry with people interested in dating. Perhaps because you would exclude some possibilities of suffering this way?

    • For years,I have used synastry to undestand personal relationships. A month at any new job, birthdays posted.
      My last rapport she had her moon on my sun, my sun sign was on her descendant. Very compatible.

      Sometimes moon-mars, venus-mars bring strong physical attraction; but with no good mercury aspsects,communication
      Might be difficult, venus-sun,venus-moon brings affection
      Compatibility. Normally, saturn-sun, saturn-mercury might be deal breakers but if the person with the saturn is aware
      He could try to be less critical.
      They used to say if you meet someone with saturn on your MC,
      Run. Any synastry comparison there are always some adverse aspects.I am sure Elsa has Synastry charts availible for purchase.

      • And has checking the synastry helped you? Did you ever run away or run towards because of the synastry? If you would otherwise have not?

    • My chart has north moon node on ascendant, south node on descendant. Like a Saturn. The north node is physical protection, or maybe focus on self over relationships.I feel past-life war and relationships.
      But like all past-life and karma, very difficult to prove, you meet someone you
      Are very comfortable with, or are drawn to going to distant, exotic places.
      Is this out of past-life or
      Living a mundane,boring existence? Is afflicted or retrograde Venus, working out past karma or just unlucky aspects on your date of birth.

  56. ((I had to double-check, make certain I haven’t responded here before))

    “Nice Guy”…. sometime earlier this year (or perhaps sometime in last December) I ran across a YouTube video on this topic.

    Basically, the narrator said that women generally don’t want to know that a guy is “nice”. Don’t want him to advertise it verbally…. but let it be obvious by his actions. A Rule of Thumb: to be assertive when necessary, gentle when called for,and always ready to act forcefully to restore order.

    This YouTube video has given me renewed hope…… there are women out there who appreciate men who are not “Bad Boys”. Or at least have outgrown them.

  57. Does this other person simply lack charisma?
    He might have charisma for all other people in the world yet not tickle my fancy.

    Or does your lack of attraction have to do with you?
    I need chemistry. I need it otherwise I’d rather read a good book. On astrology for instance.Or human relationships.

    Have you ever had to take a hard cold look at your love nature?
    Yes, during midlife

    What did you learn and where is your Venus?
    My Venus is in Cancer and in 00.00 degrees on my Gemini ASC at 29.48 degrees. It has no clue and is still learning about all those other weird people.

  58. All I know is that the nice guy almost always finishes last. When I dated, girls were more attracted to the bad boys, like a moth to the flame.

    • Venus opp Neptune.delusion or illusion in love.
      Saturn transit opposition Venus, traditionally not
      the best time for meet and greet,also, house transitted.
      Every 28-29 years Saturn aspects all planets and houses.
      The most difficult transits for me were saturn opp mercury,
      Jupiter thru 12th, and last three months, direct and retrograde Uranus opp Saturn..(two more weeks!)

  59. it just sounds like a string of bad luck for the woman who keeps getting bad relationship after another and never going for the nice guy. she sounds like a thrill seeker.

  60. Is that why I quit painting?? He’s a lawyer who took my painting class and loves painting, but we’ve broken up and I have lost my interest in painting…it’s hurting my income!! Maybe I should I go back to journalism school at my advanced age?? Maybe I will force myself to pick up a brush.

  61. Hi,
    I was in line at a family dollar recently, a thirty-year old
    Woman in front of me was in tears.I asked her what was wrong.
    She said her live-with boyfriend had torn up her only baby
    Pictures from her first marriage. I told her I was sorry to hear that. That she was a good person and deserved better.
    She then said. “I love him.”
    No matter what I told her, and what new abuse was done to her-She would stay with him.

    We all have been in relationships not good for us.
    In 2003, working in a Santa Barbara law office. Five desks in a room. Heather was hired a month before, good worker,
    Great personality,dressed sharp. Two days straight did not come in.I asked the administrator. He said she was in a battered womens’ shelter and would not be coming back.
    So sad..So much going for her.made good choices except for her men.Is it low-esteem. Instead of choosing one of thousands of nice men,she chooses an abuser.

  62. fix your eyes.
    it’s what i did.
    some useful questions to ask:
    what do you want? (like really really really want? need?)
    what are you scared of?
    what gives you that zing? (boring guys may also be nice but they’re still boring.)
    are you more comfortable being unhappy? does it feel more natural? do you have good models of happy relationships to work from?
    (i have venus in the eighth aspecting a bunch of things including eris, pluto, saturn, and uranus)

  63. Hmmm Interesting. I think it is about understanding your love nature and using that energy so that it works for you. Being with a nice a guy because you think you should is just as fucked up as being with a jerk who doesn’t appreciate you. Plus you end up screwing around and hurting a nice guy setting up bad psychology for him when he could be with someone more compatible. Ultimately I think choosing a good partner for yourself means knowing yourself flaws, warts and all, otherwise you’re going to repeat patterns with either choice or both. Get down with your own psychology and you’ll be able to pull the right man for you. Someone who has lived and learned or should I say still learning. Venus in Libra conjunct Pluto & Saturn in the 8th house!

    • ‘Plus you end up screwing around and hurting a nice guy setting up bad psychology for him when he could be with someone more compatible.’

      Read all the comments above and see that nobody wants the nice guy! So he couldn’t be with a more compatible one. This is usually how you know that you’ve met a nice guy. Probably it would make more sense to examine the problem in the natal chart of the nice guy.

  64. Trying to respond to falkor on planet composite. Don’t run to or run away. If your current boss is fired and the new person has Saturn on your mercury, might be critical of your way of thinking. Not impossible but more challenging.
    Social, romantic it is nice
    If there is Venus, sun..
    Affinity but for me without some good mercury aspects
    Communication will be lacking, we all like people like ourselves, with similar interests,ideas.

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