I am caught in a mental pattern that is driving me crazy. Often when I am in a relationship, I will meet someone. Sparks will fly, but I’ll back off, knowing that I am not available. However, I will obsess over these people, thinking about them every waking minute. It is usually all in the realm of fantasy, and doesn’t affect my daily life. That is, until the other person, not knowing what is going on, will continue to interact with me.
I usually do my best to keep everything normal even while these fantasies continue, but then at some point I begin acting on these fantasies, steering the friendship toward something more serious. This is usually very subtle, to the point that I do not even notice it until it is too late. When it is too late, I am often stuck between hurting the person that I have unintentionally been leading on or being unfaithful to the person I love. And I am left wondering how on earth I got in this situation.
This cycle is horrible and I hate it. I have done this since I was very young and I am determined to stop it. I just do not know why it is happening or what I can do to break out of this pattern and use this energy in a more productive way. I’m tired of hurting myself and the people I love.
Frustrated with Fantasy
I am pretty sure this is going to come across as harsh but I am going to write it anyway – because I am supposed to help solve problems and you’ll never solve yours at this rate because you are fighting the wrong monster.
You say you fantasize but I can’t buy it looking at your chart. With Pluto on the 7th house cusp, your motivation may very well be subconscious but I find it hard to imagine you mindlessly falling into the fog. Fact is, with 4 planets in Leo you need copious amounts of attention and I think you are doing what it takes to get it.
I also think you are attracted to the taboo and I don’t mean to be hard on you because you are very young (20) and you are trying to get a grip on this, which can surely be done. Making your attraction to the shadow conscious will help tremendously and beyond that find yourself a stage.
I am very serious. With a chart like this you can certainly act and with the energy playing out in this arena your relationships can flourish. Just recognize / acknowledge you like attention (nothing wrong with that) and find a healthy way to get it.