Pisces Stepmother Struggles With Stepdaughter

Pisces vintage

Hi Elsa!

A few months ago I moved in with my boyfriend. He has full custody of his nine year old daughter, and I of my two-and-a-half year old daughter.

I am having some major problems getting along and dealing with his daughter. To be completely frank, I think she is a spoiled, disrespectful, manipulative brat! She doesn’t think she needs to listen to me because I’m not her mother. She contradicts everything I say. She treats my daughter very poorly – taking things away from her, yelling at her, threatening her. I am at my wit’s end with her and my boyfriend is not supporting me with this. He thinks we just need to try to get along.

I am wondering if you have any advice on how I can solve my dilemma.

Thank you,
Pisces Living in Hell

Dear Pisces,

I could go and on I’m sure, but bottom line: if this girl’s father is not going to get involved, you don’t have a hope in hell of solving this. She will just keep doing what she is doing until you give up and move away. Seriously, there is no way to win.

And if you think about it, your problem is not really with HER – it is with HIM. He sounds completely ineffectual at best, but it may be even uglier. To me, he sounds passive aggressive as he allows his daughter to pick fights with you, and to pick on your daughter while he stands by whining, “why can’t we all just get along?”

If this is what he wants to happen, then why doesn’t he take some action? Instead, he is letting his nine year old act out the family anger, while he stands there, clean as a whistle. Sorry, maaan. I don’t buy it.

See, the girl’s chart is pretty good. I don’t think she is a bitch on wheels, or particularly devious or anything like that. She’s a little girl with a pretty good chart… who wants her daddy to herself, which is normal. And here you show up to compete – with a cute little baby to boot – and the fact there is going to be a problem is a given.

But it’s a problem only Daddy can solve, so this is where I would focus if I were you. Is he or is he not going to step up to the plate? Good luck.


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Pisces Stepmother Struggles With Stepdaughter — 5 Comments

  1. I was that little girl once upon a time, and you are so right, Elsa. My wimpy dad didn’t take charge of the situation either, and we all suffered for it.

  2. You are so right about him being passive agressive, that’s how most people I know with mars in the seventh house act.

  3. when i first got married, my husband’s daughter was hell on wheels, too. and she was only 4-i shudder to think of what it would have been like had she been older.

    i gently but persistently pointed out to him that allowing the problem behavior to continue wasn’t doing her any favors. however, he was also interested in finding ways to work things out, which is a huge advantage. i would say it took about 6 months for us to find a balance that was livable. before than, i wasn’t sure i could make the marraige work. (evidently i did: that was 16+ years ago!)

    stepparenting is tough because you have all the responsibilities without the respect or status of a birth parent. especially early on, your authority is borrowed and without bf taking the lead and backing you up when need be, it’s gonna be pretty ugly.

    but also realize that the spoiled, disrespectful, manipulative brat you’re talking about is his daughter. people love even their bratty kids. you don’t have that built-in bond with her, so you’re coming from a different place. don’t go all maryter on him. just keep talking and i would suggest you try to focus on the child in your dicussions, as in how her behavior is going to cause problems for her! ’cause it may be more likely he can hear you, too. her behaviors are normal for the situation and can improve with time. that i know. but you guys have to get on the same page first.

    good luck, pisces!

  4. Interesting idea for a blog to combine astrology with a common sense approach to problems.

    Thanks for the compliment to my poodle/dog blog header. I had one mean person say my dogs were ugly.I wonder what his idea of pretty dogs would be.

  5. I disagree with this lady..
    … It is your problem with the child. I think it’s best if the father did not interfere only because being put in a position where you become a replacement of this child’s mother, you must learn how to adjust youreslf with her.

    In that sense, create your own boundaries with her, yet learn how to break those boundaries with her as well…
    And when you reach the point where you are completely fed up with her. Start the cycle over again. Sometimes even when knowing that the child was wrong, instead of approaching it agressively, hug her as if you accepted that mistake she made.

    You are letting her win over you. Remember, once you become furious, she has become sucessful in letting you become her puppet. Let yourself become sweeter than sweet, and only let her melt her way through…
    …and it’ll work out of course… She’s only 9year of age, not 19… It will take time.

    But try not labelling her either… Calling her spoiled daddy’s girl, or whatever name which are applicable, gives a sense that you have already characterize her, which is always an awful position.

    I think you really need to spend time with her. Let the father’s presence be less, and more of your’s… Sure she’ll feel like you are taking away her father’s place, but for you to create room for yourself, only you can make it.

    I know you’ll be fine… Take Care sweetie ^_^

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