“I didn’t think it would go this fast…”

Honeybell box image-600x600My woman’s club had their first meeting of the season a week ago. One of the key gals could not attend. She’d been diagnosed with cancer and was taking chemotherapy.

My friend, denamaria, who sometimes comments here, owns Butterfield’s Candy.   She donates candy to local hospitals each month. Apparently the patients can keep them down and it helps with dry mouth.

denamaria sent me some candy for all the ladies in club. I had some packages left over, so I decided to send them to the gal who was home sick with cancer. Five days later, she called me.

She’s thanked me for the candy…and then told me she’s just found out she was going into hospice.  I wrote our conversation here: Headed For Hospice

The conversation was sad and surreal.  But what struck me the most was when she said, “I didn’t think it would go this fast.”  She said it twice.

She’s old. I suppose she meant that she thought her cancer would progress slower than it had.

It’s been raining. She said her yard was green and looked beautiful. I guess was telling me that she  seeing it for the last time.

I was still thinking about her remark the next day. I think what she said is probably true for all of us.  Your life is sailing by whether you realize it or not.

This makes me not want to waste time, and not want to waste the time of the people around me. I don’t want people to waste my time either, because it really is precious.

How do you feel about time? Do you value it?  Cherish it? Waste it?  What?



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“I didn’t think it would go this fast…” — 19 Comments

  1. Time. It’s the one thing I am aware of constantly now. I think turning 50 made a real difference in how I use my time. That’s why I have cut out all the nonsense and the people who use my precious minutes up wanting to argue and bicker. I just wont do it. It looks a lot like Scorpio amputation and I guess some of it has been. At least being Scorpio has helped me let them go. But the time and energy it takes to maintain some relationships is really ridiculous when you think about it. We are here for a blink.

    When I think back over the years I remember a hard childhood, a few fun teenage years, and then being someone’s mommy. Being a mom was important to me and those children gave (still give) my life more meaning than I could have ever wished for. But it went fast.

    I see mother’s in stores and places rushing their children and I want to grab them and shake them and tell them to slow down. Slow down and sit with them, talk to them, play with them, teach them….my god spend some good quality time with them. Time passes so fast. They are grown and they are off….

    I remember when Gemini left home and how quiet it was. I had no idea he would be back with a girl who gave us a girl (Scorpio moon) then my house got noisy again. Then came baby Sag, and another baby Gemini….three little girlies filled up my house….sticky hands and runny noses and pigtails ….laughing, crying, screaming…. I do not take one minute of them for granted and I will leave work in an instant for them….I will leave anything in an instant for them (and their parents and my husband)

    I don’t care what I am doing. If these people need me, I stop what I am doing and I go. I want to savor every single minute of all of the laughter and misery if there is any. It goes so fast. I sit on my porch and watch it rain, I went to the beach this year and lay there in the sand taking it all in….the sun, clouds and water, watching the birds. I’ve never looked worse in a swimsuit hahahaha….and I couldn’t give two craps about this. (25 years ago if I had an ounce of fat anywhere I wouldn’t have worn a swimsuit)

    I am talking like I am 90 and I am not. In fact you wouldn’t know if you met me that in October I will be 55! I can handle a 150 pound Mastiff and run 5 miles…. but, I am much more aware of time now. I have no time for pissy people that treat others badly and act like they are better than the rest of the crowd. I have no time for nasty hateful folks who are miserable and want to take whoever is in their path down. I wont deal with them. I wont even have them as customers. They are time wasters and life ruiners….they will suck the joy right out of you.

    At 47 I realized I would always work but refused to sit in an office until I was pushing a walker. It was knowing how fleeting time is that made me change my life. Back to school, new career. Very scary for an older gal. But, not near as scary as it would have been when I was younger because you are not as afraid of failure when your older. You know it doesn’t mean as much as you thought it did. I pay my bills on time and do the right thing every day. But if there comes a time I can’t I am not going to walk the floors and worry like I would have years ago…. F it…I will do what I can but I am going to make the most of my time.

    I don’t say this so to make it sound like being responsible is a waste of time. You should be responsible, but for me right now, I am not going to waste what I have. See I realize what my age is. And if I am LUCKY I will live to be a really old woman. But I also know what the human body is capable of. And if I do live to be a really old woman, some of that time will be spent moving about really slow. So while I still have game I am LIVING…… I jumped out of a plane with my oldest son, I went back to the Atlantic ocean three times in the last year and a half. I let those sticky screaming little girls run all over my house (they are like the stormtroopers of the galactic empire) making messes … I pile them in the car and take them places and talk to them and rock them. And while I complain on here I have no time for myself, myself is in each one of them. Two of them have my nose and my smile, one of them is the spitting image of me.

    I will still work and do the things expected of me but I am not going to waste my time. I may waste my money, but not my hours and minutes. It sure would be nice if we were aware of how fleeting it all is when we are 6 or 20 or even 35. But I think you either have to face a tragedy or get up in age to understand the meaning of the hours you really have left.

    We waste so much of it on nonsense and worry. You can’t get it back. I have lost every single thing I owned more than once and was able to find a way to get those unimportant things back. But not my time. Once its gone, its just gone so I want a memory to go along with it if it has to go. I want to say that I sat in the floor with Scorp moon and listened to what she had to say, I had a day with my daughter in law, I really spent time with my son, I really hugged them hard and long and we laughed.

    That was a very wise woman you spoke with Elsa. You do such good work and so many nice things for people. You have certainly earned your wings! I love this post. It hits me where I live today!

  2. S&P, beautiful.

    As a side note, reading the boards- where you see depth and feeling – there’s Scorp behind it. Almost always.

    Don’t want to derail this, just an observation.

    I’m a time-waster, often. But there’s intensity and meaning when I do act.

  3. I can’t say that I wasted a lot of time on bad relationships and friendships, but because of my Libra Moon, not getting along and being semi-isolated bothered me more than it does now.

    T. Saturn is in my 7th. I don’t have time for succubi, to put it simply. If your overtures ain’t honest or genuine, stop wasting my time.

  4. As an aside, stepson and I ceased all communication when t. Saturn was on my Moon. But I realized that I was mourning who he was and not who he turned into. Maybe I never knew the real boy. But that’s besides the point. I have no respect for how he lives his life and sucks the life out of his (and my kids’) elderly grandparents. Saturn going into Scorpio and my 7th reinforced this.

  5. 😉 I didn’t answer the question…my kids are turning 14, 12 and 10. I’ll stop and wonder where the heck their younger years went. Way too fast. But I’m enjoying watching them turn into young adults. They even fight over who gets some quality time with me.

  6. Such beautiful words, Elsa and Scorpioandproud!

    My father was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. He’s 58 and strong and healthy looking. A runner. So, what’s with that cancer please? That kind of news grabs you by the throat. We can’t prepare for it. I couldn’t.
    Lovely people around kept reminding me how crying and pitying myself or my father won’t help anybody. How true. Also, life goes on. Life doesn’t care about death. We do. And mostly, we WASTE our lives with that fear.

    I learned to enjoy the small moments again, with my father. Taking a walk in the forest, sitting at the kitchen table, listening to Mozart and drinking a cup of coffee with him in the mornings. I want to live these moments as if they were sensations.

    Because real life, a voice says to me, this is now and now, take it as it presents itself, even with fear and at the same time with all the delights that you can think of!

  7. I’m just home from bringing communion to people in the hospital. I saw three people who were pretty clearly dying. I was happy the each of them had someone/s with them. The daughter who is most likely going to lose her mother, ripped my heart out. I think she was about 40 and way too soon to lose her mom.
    In another room I saw a 94 year old woman, cracking jokes.

    There is nothing like it to put your head on straight.

    They want volunteers to help the bereaved. I asked myself if I should volunteer, but I think I am better suited to dealing with the living who are dying, then I am with assisting the family after the fact. I sure admire people who have that gift though.

    I wonder if I might develop this gift, later on. I’m leaving the door open.

  8. Well said Scorpio & Proud! Especially liked what you said about not engaging with the haters, the people who just want to you down.

    At 63 I still wear bathing suits but running 5 miles is getting harder. Now I am starting to see these little imperfections along the way as sign posts marking how much time is left and better get out there and enjoy it now.

    Today I am as young as I will ever be and I just want to savor it. I think our cultures’s obsession with “busyness” and “Success” robs of real joy.

    I don’t believe you can appreciate time unless you are willing to waste it. Take the time to sit still, do nothing, let go……reconnect with nature and your own bliss.

    • “I think our cultures’s obsession with “busyness” and “Success” robs of real joy.”

      Lakshmi – I completely agree with you. Its hard to try to enforce something different in your own life and I think it takes time and age to realize and gain perspective. <3

  9. Time seems to be the theme of the day….
    Forgot to change my calendar pg….where did that month go…& half of this one, too?
    The lst thing I saw was Steve Jobs’ quote, on time, followed by logging in & seeing your post/s here.
    I think it’s important to rest in the Now & not keep running like a hamster in a cage. It’s really worth the effort, to learn how to meditate and to “waste” time by relaxing. I used to think as long as there was anything that “needed” to be done, I was being slothful to rest, unless my health demanded it, or a baby was born & I got a 2-day break, before returning to the 18-hr days, when I rarely sat down from the time I woke up til I fell into bed, with my thoughts still running 80 mph, on what didn’t get done & how it would get done; ad infinitum. I still have trouble with not feeling guilty, about “wasting” my time, not making it “count” ie: monetarily, every minute. Consequently, my life went by, at the speed of nano-seconds; spent doing what “had” to be done, being “productive”…translated to “whatever was expected of me”…never living up to everyoe’s expectations, and not leaving time, to pursue my own dreams. I see so many doing the same; including my own children & their kids. I don’t know how we got so completely off track; where every minute is required to sustain our existance, but no time to actually live a quality, family oriented life, where nobody was ever “in the way” and the youngest to the oldest contributed to family life, in a symbiotic and totally compatible, relationships. When did it become acceptable, for the individual, to become so self-important; above & beyond, the “tribe” we previously, were a part of? Being a slave to the id, or ego, shouldn’t be an alternative, to being a slave to job, or to the family we support. When will we figure out that being a part of something bigger than ourselves, where we are all contributing to the betterment of the whole, is where real strength and even…yes, even immortality, is to be found….and it could be watched, stretching out before us, in generations, we propagated, unselfishly; tho, in a way, inheriting the position, of being the core of the nuclear family, may be a bit selfish; but, in a good way. I think it’s where the real treasures lie; but, most of us miss it, looking elsewhere. Back to what Steve Jobs had to say; who lived fast and died too young:
    Steve Jobs quotes
    Steve Jobs:
    “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.
    Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.”

    ~ And, I think that’s something, we might all stop, & just ponder, upon.
    Good post/s, today, Elsa…Thanks!

  10. I have Saturn in Virgo conjunct ASC and value time SO much that I often waste it arguing about if someone (normally my Pisces sun fiancee) gave a bad time estimate for house hold chores. Go figure. I have a very acute sense of time and have finally realized in the past year that sometimes the best use of time is to forget it exists for an hour or two.

  11. I am also very sad to hear that this companion of yours (Elsa) is going into hospice. May the end of her days be filled with grace and rest with a peaceful ending.

  12. (((Elsa))) Keep talking, teaching, and touching. Sometimes you can say this stuff to people until you are blue in the face, but until it actually touches your soul you can’t grasp the depth of this.

    • Yes, daisy.
      I also thought about about a young gal who satori was friendly with. She was about 19 and got cancer. She was dead within about 4 months.
      You are not necessarily going to get old.

  13. Hi Elsa, thank you for posting the picture of the candies on your post! I am so sorry about your friend, but as I said to you yesterday, Lucky Her! She got to live a full life (93?) and then died within 4 days of going into hospice….that’s how I hope to go…live life to the fullest and then, bye bye, sayonara! May God Rest Her Soul….you are such a wonderful, gifted writer and a good, kind person. I am so lucky to have you as a friend! Thank you.

  14. By the way, I love what you’ve done with the place! Great job and it wasn’t easy, but you’re here on the other side and its wonderful to see you!

  15. Time is not my friend. I’ve been in a holding pattern of bad karma since 1998 when Saturn began transiting my first house. I’m STILL getting bludgeoned. Laid off four years ago, went back to school, still can’t get a job. My significant other just lost his so now neither one of us has an income. I want to help-him, friends, the world. I want to give to charity like I used to instead of being a charity. But I can’t get anything to go right. I just need this crap to be over and done with.

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