Fear And New Things To Be Horrified By

A few days ago I mentioned that which was my mortal fear of 6 years ago which became realized. I’ve changed dramatically since. I’ve matured more than anything else and I look at horror in a new way.

I longer think to think every bullet is going to whiz by me just because that’s the way I want it. I know one of those bullets may have my name on it and if so, that’s it. If you can lose your kid, you can lose your arm or your leg or your house or your life, see? This is an inarguable fact to person like me. What are you going to say? That can’t happen to you twice, Elsa? I’d have to laugh.

I don’t mind the changes. I don’t really know they are there for the most part, it’s like putting on weight slowly. You may know your body is changing on some level but it’s easy enough to deny until something brings it to the front which is what happened to me the other night.

I was talking to my husband and found myself describing my new horror which I realized later was untraditional to say the least.  “Are you thinking this…” he asked.

“No. I am thinking this may be her peak. This may be the capacity of her intellect and all she can do.  That is my horror, to realize this is the limit of her intellect, to find out that it stretches no further…”

How about that? I am afraid of stupidity. Not war, not starving, not plague… it’s as if I take all those for granted because I do.

What is hard to tolerate now, what terrifies me now is hitting the boundary of a mind be it yours or mine and here’s the very neat astrology…

I have wrapped up Saturn transit of my 8th house and how have Saturn transiting the 9th. You can see the very direct correlation, it’s a trip. I can also tie this to the transit 28 years ago.

I am fortunate now to have a gallows humor counterpart in the form of my husband, who also has an intellect I am not going to be able to exhaust so I expect to suffer much less this time around than last. Boy I wish I’d have married him them.

Name a fear you have resolved.

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Fear And New Things To Be Horrified By — 30 Comments

  1. For much of my life, I was afraid I was crazy and would have to bitterly tolerate any one who would put up with me forever!

    I now realize my “crazy” responses to people and environments were actually sane, just not very popular or polished.

    Today I like myself just fine. I choreograph my own life and choose friends and commitments carefully.

    I have the opportunity to be happy (or not) every moment of each day. Translation: I am alive. I exist.

    How’s that for Saturn conjunct Neptune square/opposition everything?

    Teehee!

  2. I used to be scared of spiders until I went to Australia and saw spiders as big as my HEAD. Okay daddylonglegs, you ain’t so bad.

  3. With you all the way on this one Elsa. I used to feel like a really lucky person. Now the horror just seems to get deeper all the time.

  4. I guess my biggest fear right is losing friendships I have spent time building but may be losing their validity at the same time. Not sure how they sure fit in but can’t let go. But speaking of whizzing bullets…a friend of mine went out to lunch and passed a league of cop cars outside a local bank. As the cops were walking by they said something about a “shooting…” and when we passed the cops inside were putting up signs that the bank was closed. I looked at my friend and said “wow if there was a shooting, I am glad were weren’t walking by at the time. One of those bullets may have stuck us!” Hmmmmmm.

  5. Very apropo. I used to be terrified most of the time. Balls-out, full-on existentialist terror. Worked like a dog to survive that, and nowadays I don’t hurt so bad and feeling more average, I wonder what I’m for. Back in, like, ’91?, I had encephalitis and lost my mind, memory and “brains” for a time. Still not the same. Not feeling as quick and “smart” freaked me the bloody hell out. Still don’t really like it, but that’s a long time gone. What I fear now is… Not being strong enough, and not having prepared enough. Also not being sure when to let go and when to fight.

  6. Separate but related, Saturn in the 9th / Libra aspects my Mercury and with the polarization in this country and for that matter, around the world – it makes discourse (Libra) very difficult. I am finding it impossible to discuss things with some and lines are not left or right but have more to do with the intellect.

    For example, I disagree with my husband’s son on most (many?) things. These are the same things I disagree with others about and find it impossible to converse with them, yet I am able to talk about these things all day (via email) with him and the reason is he is smart enough to know that I am smart enough, I must have some basis for my opinions.

    He is also smart enough to have some basis for his and because of this we can find out things we really want to know such as: What are you people on the other side thinking, anyway, and I mean the smart ones.

    Perhaps Saturn in Virgo will provide another change for people to step up / grow up their minds. I live in hope because it IS possible to have discourse across the divide.

  7. I’ve always been afraid of not fitting in anywhere. My “weirdness” tends to repel a lot of people. Over the last few years, learning more about our “connectedness” and gaining incredible insight into why I’m here, I’ve begun to release some of that fear. I don’t mind being weird, I actually really like it…. it just makes it difficult to carry on relationships with people…but I’m sure there’s a lesson in there somewhere about building my self-esteem/worth, and I think I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. So, I guess this fear isn’t completely resolved yet, but it is pretty giant and I am a bit proud of myself for “figuring it out” on my own, so I think it still counts;-)

  8. Beyond losing my children or grandchildren my worst fear is that I actually AM incompetent.

    I also fear end of days, I’ve always felt as if it were going to happen in my time. I’m afraid I will lose my humanity, that the shadow side will win out in the struggle for survival. I’m afraid of becoming separated from the people I love the most without the transportation structure to find them, and I’m afraid of losing people who live on the coast.

    I would really like to be wrong about this, though groundless fears are sometimes just as debilitating.

  9. I used to fear people were ignoring me and then I realized they just didn’t understand me. I’m not sure what’s better but OH WELL!

  10. WOW. Mark the day; My son’s father took off for Greece today to avoid child support. I’ve seen this coming for years. Worst fear: abandonment. Actualization of that: priceless. Go figure is right.

  11. “I also fear end of days”

    brizo I can relate to this. It’s a new fear for me and it’s kept me from having children. Everytime I think of having a baby I think doom and gloom for humanity and I wish I didn’t because I think I’d be a very good mother.

  12. Thank you, Chrispito and Elsa. I like to say, if you throw a stone, you will hit somebody who owes their existence to an asshole or an indiscretion. So… (fill in your own pithy phrase here…)

  13. Philomena – smart! Thanks for posting that, it’s certainly true and a must better message then telling people there is no such thing as an asshole or an indiscretion.

  14. sometimes i think.
    the universe has no compassion.
    just an imperative to improve or die.
    like the toughest of parents, the harshest of classrooms.
    but, i do think, there is a state of mercy. a respect for effort and sacrifice. even if it results in “failure.”
    not sure how to explain what i mean by that.

  15. “a state of mercy. a respect for effort and sacrifice. even if it results in “failure”.” What a way with words wyrdling. Actually, at first I thought your post was a poem:)

  16. I’m sorry to hear about your circumstance Philomena. But amazingly well put…definitely something I will file away in my memory bank.

  17. I fear SOUNDING stupid =/ in my head -whatever i say makes sense to me.. but a lot of the time when i try to express myself verbally, i feel like i have diarrhea of the mouth. especially when i get excited… and I fear this going in the opposite direction too. like when don’t have anything to say on something, it feels as though i will be judged on not participating in the conversation… just like a wallflower.

    I have some oppositions in my chart, I think this is part of their doing..

  18. *wish there was an edit button so i can add
    saturn is in the middle of my 9th house trine my neptune so im slowly overcoming this and have started taking more risks when talking with groups of people,, steady spontaneity is the key 😉

  19. Hi Philomena, similar thing happened here. My sons father has to decided to disappear (again) instead of facing his (very minor) responsibilities. Fuck ’em.

  20. OK a quick n dirty version of my fear conquering story. This might give us a little relief from the big stuff for a minute, too.

    I used to be terribly afraid of needles. I got really sick about 10 years ago and found out I was going to have to get a lot of blood work done every month or so to get things leveled out. I went and did something I’d always wanted to do but never had the guts to: I got my nose pierced. I figured if I had a needle that big in my face and did OK then blood work would be easy. Also, every time I look in the mirror I’m reminded that I’m tougher than I think I am. 😀

    Six tattoos and a handful more piercings later … what needle fear? *chuckle*

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