I am nearly 22 and I have yet to be in any romantic relationship. As a matter of fact I’ve never even had a boyfriend. Though there were many “potentials”, nothing has ever worked out in the end.
I find myself wanting to be in a relationship, but I tend to push people away once things reach a certain point of intimacy. I don’t know if it’s because I am afraid of commitment or getting hurt, or if its just because I am afraid of opening myself to someone else.
Being in pharmacy school, I am either at home or at school just studying. Having very little time to socialize with others (except for school people), it’s hard to meet people. And I have 3 more years to go.
I feel by the time I graduate I will be too old and finding someone would be impossible. I feel like I am ready be in a commitment, but do ‘my stars’ say otherwise? I find that timing is everything, so is right now the right time? And should I make more of an effort to put myself out there, or wait for someone to drop right in front of me?
With Saturn opposing your Sun in Taurus, your stars suggest you are defended against love and relationship and your letter supports this. You state very plainly you have no time, space or energy to socialize and that if someone does manage to penetrate your security system, you push them back. Considering this, I don’t think that waiting for someone to drop down in front of you is a viable option. Because it’s happened before and what do you do? You failed to cooperate. You said no to the universe, to relationship, and to love. So why do you do that?
That same Saturn suggests you are afraid. I would not call it a fear of commitment though. People who are afraid to commit are freedom loving and do not want to be limited or restricted in any way. And if you think about it, this is not your personality at all. Because what do you do? You restrict yourself constantly. You’re buckled down with your school to an extent you have no time to socialize when you must know it is possible to do both!
So I think what you fear is rejection and that’s okay. You have to name these things in order to work on them. You have to define them. And I am hoping this blog will help you see your problem clearly so you can decide what you’d like to do about it. And if you want to try to start to venture into the realm of relating to others I’ll tell you where to start.
Do you remember “Star Wars”. It was a plan to have a shield around the United States that would deflect missiles. This is what you have erected around yourself so if you want someone to get through you are going to have to dismantle at least some of this thing you’ve constructed. You will have to leave some cracks in the armor so some enterprising young man has a chance to get to get through!
And when he does, you will have to face your fear around having him near you and this will probably be very hard. But you know what? It will be even harder when you’re 30, because right now what you are doing is making a habit. And anyone can tell you it is easier to break a habit of 3 years than it is to break a habit you’ve had for 10 or 20 years. So based on this, I suggest you start knocking your wall down today.