When my current boyfriend and I started a relationship, we kept it hidden for almost 3 years because we worked together. By "we", mostly it goes "he". I was okay to keep it for ourselves for a while, in the beginning, but after 6 months, I didn't actually care who will know. My parents met at work, worked together, and got married, it's not the best environment for a couple, work is work, but anything can be overcome if you are sure of what you are, and what you have. But my boyfriend always found some reason why we should stay hidden, tho everyone knew that we are together. Actually, after a while, it seems stupid that we hide like kids, and actually, we are late 30's. But I played the game and deep down inside I felt just like you, "other life". I know this is not a topic, but, the feeling is the same. I also couldn't post anything, so others wouldn't see that we went on a holiday together, or I could even say that we went on a trip together, I had to hide, tho I didn't want it, I felt stupid. So at work, we were "just colleagues", and outside of it, a couple. This is not about significant others' baby mamas, it's about being hidden. And he is not the only one who kept me hidden, I had other cases too. While the reasons could be completely realistic, I've learned that there is always something they aren't telling us everything. You are right to be suspicious. I believe he's a good person, but something is hidden, there is something he's not telling you.
@dori This is another reason I am slightly altered by her.
Maybe more to it, maybe he still cares...
They do text everyday, what seems like all day.
The other mother, they only talk a couple days, and only about the kids.
I dont know what they talk about but I find it hard to believe it is just about the kid if it is so frequent.
I do not look at the messaged, not my place. But i often feel curious...
I think she wants to constantly be in contact, and he entertains it to keep her happy and keep things smooth
I dont think he has anything with her at all, but part of me is suspicious as you said.
@leobra1221 I didn't mean he has something with her, not at all. I think he's done with her. He's a Scorpio, when he's done, he's done, and the relationship he has with her, I believe he does it because of his son. Something else is hidden. I don't want to trigger your mind, not at all, just be careful and always think about yourself and your well-being and remember, your intuition is never wrong. Sorry if I missed it, what about your chart? Placements?
@dori I dont know what it is, other than walking on egg shells with her?
I suppose I could just ask more questions. Or keep observing
What would you do, if you were in my shoes? How do you think youd handle it
How did you last 3 years as a secret? I could not do it lol
@leobra1221 sometimes it was hard, because it was stupid to be a secret, and everyone knows, and not just because of others, it felt wrong because there was no rational reason why we couldn't be together publicly. I can endure a long time, which is not good. many times I was unhappy that I'm under the radar because he was the one who wanted to keep it as a secret for so long, not me.
From what you wrote, okay, yes, he's definitely walking on eggs and as I wrote, I think it's because of his son, which is okay. But, if you feel he's completely honest, you wouldn't be here searching for answers. Something is bothering you, your intuition is telling you that something is off. What I would do? I would tell him I would like to meet her and put everything straight if necessary. She's the mother of your future stepchild. You don't have to be friends, but you should know each other and try to be respectful for the sake of the child. That boy should always come first, and how will you do it if she doesn't know you? And the only connection between her and you is your partner. So, he must hold the answers. maybe he's trying to protect you, maybe he's afraid of what she would do to you in her anger, but even if it's so, he needs to communicate and tell you that.
@dori Im sorry that happened to you, no one should feel like a secret. If youre partner loves you they should want everyone to know it!
And yes... i cannot tell if it is intuition or my mind playing tricks. But something isnt sitting right. But i am not one to make big deal of things if it is not reasonable. I can handle alot, but my mind never stops and it sort of festers.
Maybe just the fact that he wont take the next step in spare of her feelings.
In my eyes if he wants to marry, he should want me 100% involved in his life. Kids included. Ex included.
I am more than civil and can put things to the side and be codial with her. even put effort to get along for his sake.
@leobra1221 it's fine, don't worry, I got over it and I also never made a big fuss over it, but sometimes I felt like I wasn't worth being known as his girlfriend at the place we work.
yes, you are completely right, all actors should be a part of this story, good or bad. You do as I do, civil, not making a big deal, but deep down, something is bugging you. I completely understand you and I wanted to give your intuition a shout-out, support, and trust it. If something is off, you better find it now, than later. But your man is the only one who can give you answers, you'll know when the time is right to act.
@dori If you dont mind me asking, what was not told to you regarding being hidden for 3 years?
@leobra1221 no, not at all, you can ask me anything you like. I still don't know, but his reasons were this: it's dangerous if people know we are together, it could harm our work; it's not wise they know, you know how people are, etc. We have quite a few couples in our company, no one was ever harmed because they were in a relationship. I guess, he was and still is afraid because maybe deep down he is insecure about us, from the start. I also have very bothered mind, I tend to go too far, but I wasn't always wrong (Mercury-Pluto square natally).
@dori So, you are still together?
I currently work with my Scorp. Thats how we met.
People at work know, its not a big deal. We dont keep it hidden here..
@leobra1221 Yes, we are, but I struggle with him a lot. Just check the topic I started: Mommy's boy.
The problem I have with myself, I quit very hard. I'm a very persistent person and I don't quit very easily which is exhausting. Sometimes it's a good thing but sometimes is really bad, mostly for me. But when I reach rock bottom, or something good comes out, or I finish the story.
@dori What are your guys's signs?
Also you asked my placements earlier...
Leo sun, merc, venus, libra moon, and mars
Taurus rising
@leobra1221 He's Aqua Sun and Mercury, Venus in Cap and Moon and ACS in Gemini, and like you Mars in Libra.
I'm all water, Cancer, and Scorpio. I have ASC Scorpio, Saturn, and Mars conjunction in Scorpio, 12th house. I know what's like to be a secret and how to keep one. That's why I said, maybe he's trying to protect you, but there is no need. Your Leo and Taurus will give you calmness and action if needed. 🙂
@dori My bfs scorp placements are 12th house too
Excecpt his venus which is 11th. I know you put up with alot for who you love!
I love water placements, and i think it is because i dont have any! lol But my leo placements are 4th house.
Your bf sounds commitment phobe...and wishy washy with the gemini
I was going to guess taurus/gemini placements
@leobra1221 oh that beautiful 12th house... Or you have a secret, or you are a secret, but one thing I will tell you about the 12th house, there is always something hidden, not necessarily a concrete secret, hidden feeling, thought, observation, it's almost impossible to dig in that 12th house mind. yes, your 4th house loves water, I love the 4th house, it's so warm and friendly. 🙂
I guess he is. I like to say that he's not sure does he need to poop or pee 😀
Funny part is his rising, sun, merc, venus and mars are allll in my 7th. His mars is 7/8th cusp
And yes, gemini mars is tough to deal with in my personal experience.
Hard to pin down
@leobra1221 no wonder you connected and no wonder he wants to marry you. I had an ex who had a moon, sun and I think Venus in 4th. conjunction Sun-venus, trine Moon-Venus, we were home to each other.
@dori Very true, cap rules my 9th house and i always tend to enjoy caps humor, it lightens me right up
Something feels off recently.
I overheard him tell a coworker that She doesnt talk to him, yet they text all the time which doesnt add up.
He used to be laying in bed with me and would reply to her right in front of me no big deal, always seemed to be about the kid
But recently it seems as if he doesnt reply to her or open the messages in front of me.
I will see a text pop up from her while we are laying on our phones he wont open it, but as soon as i go to the bathroom i come out and see him texting and by time i get over to him hes is "back to scrolling on fb"
Just is not sitting right with me. And it seems they text alot... he has another baby mama and they dont talk nearly that much. A text or call here and there thats it.
But it seems this one is always messaging him.
Now i do understand how he wants to keep things smooth with her and he will communicate an be friendly. But, him being secretive over the last couple weeks or atleast thats what it feel slike.
I have told myself to brush it off, no biggie. And i also have a past of being cheated on so i didnt want to fall into toxic thoughts as i trust my bf.
But my intuition is telling me other wise, his body language.
Now i know he is not cheating.... he is with me all the time and when he has the kids i am not around but, i have stopped by to drop stuff off before and its just him and the kids.
I dont know what it is to be secretive about but its slowly festering inside of me to the point where if i see her message him and him not open it in front of me i have this boiling flame inside of me.
I have had feelings similar to this, started off small and little things i blew off and it turned out to be something i was right.
I dont know weather to confront him, or wait and pay attention... i do not want to come off as the crazy insecure gf but i know something is off...
"I don't want to come off". This is a big red flag in my opinion. If this is a worry, you are not really in an trusting, intimate relationship with this man. You are on the defense--trying to "appear as" to maneuver things to handle him and make things the way you want them. You are over 3 years into this thing and you feel like there is a commitment here, yet it seems you walk around on eggshells all the time. That can't be fun at all. Three years is a lot of time in a woman's life, if you plan on having a family of your own. I think you are correct in re-assessing this relationship.
@jana It has not been 3 years.
We are in a relationship for 6 months, talking almost a year.
I am only like this, with this particular subject because i do not want to over step boundaries...
@leobra1221 I personally wouldn’t pussy foot around a man whether I had been with him a month, 3 mos, 1 yr, two yrs or three years… I don’t have time for that. I’m probably older than you though. It would weed out the ones who weren’t right for me/couldn’t handle me early, and save me a lot of strife in the long run. A man who can’t handle your feelings about this and try to do something about it is not worth a shit in my opinion.
Sorry. I was going by your first post where you said, "we kept it hidden for almost 3years because we worked together".
In my experience with Scorpios, they are honest if you ask them. My SO is Scorpio. Whenever I had a doubt in my mind I asked him directly about it. Maybe in the very beginning, my directness surprised him, but I told him I want to clarify and close the topic, not let it boil in my mind. And believe me there were someeee questions... not at all comfortable from my side!
I noticed from the very beginning he's not sugar coating anything, very honest in his responses even if they were sometimes not what I liked to hear.
I have always preferred to clarify whatever doubts I had with him directly. He was the only one who could give me the real reason, answer, and truth. Also, I didn't want to let thoughts eat my mind (I have a very mercurial chart, I know this... and where it leads...). So, whatever the doubt I ask for answers & clarity from him directly.
@calliope He is very direct and blunt like you stated.
We talked last night. I asked him why I get the vibe he doesnt want to talk to her when I am in the room.
He agreed that he does act like this, and he said it is because he feels bad messaging an ex while we have our quality time together. I asked him why it changed and he said he didnt know he thought maybe it would bother me, but he wasnt trying to do it out of malicious acts, just to be respectful.
This made sense... and without me asking he grabbed his phone and scrolled through tons of messaged and read and showed me it was all literally about the kid. Which im completely fine with obviously.
So nothing fishy, but he agreed that he would think the same thing if roles reversed and apologized if he gave me any negative thoughts. I told him i don't care if he messages her about his kid at all obviously. I have never given him the impression it bothered me and he said you are right you havent.
So he apologized and we cleared the air, i feel alot better. He was super understanding and attending to my feelings.
@leobra1221 I'm glad to read you solved this with him 😊 I always apply this approach with my SO Scorpio sun and it works best for me because I don't want to go with my heavy Mercury chart in all possible directions... I prefer to talk about it.
I'm really glad you have clarity and peace now 😊
@calliope Thank you but the peace didnt last too long lol
we discussed me being a secret i alot of depth last night.
We talked for hours. His fears, concerns why its a big deal.
But i feel like we didnt get anywhere, if anything i feel like he needs more time.
He cant tell me how much or how little...
I brought up holidays this year and that I wont even be able to be around him for thme bc of this?
He said i would still see him but not involved with kids...
Idk what to do.
I am not asking to be mom or to be around them 24/7 now... but maybe once in awhile do something. Get my feet wet, get a taste of how life would be...
How do I know I can do this? what if i waste 6 months more or another year? Idk what to think
@leobra1221 I've read your previous posts and I understand this is a difficult situation.
I understand that on his side he fears communication with the mother of the youngest of his kids for her reaction and her maybe cutting access to his child. Can she do that? Isn't it some form of accord between them regarding the child? Can he simply get mad and cut him from the child's life? I don't know how's the context, just asking...
Regarding his fear of her reaction, I think she will react the same no matter when she finds out... if she is like he says about her. Does this delay really bring some benefit on his side? I mean, will this delay make her react differently? What are his arguments to justify the delay? You don't have to write them here, maybe it's your private discussion only, but ask yourself and ask him.
You write you discussed his fear, his needs, etc. What about your fears and needs? Were they addressed?
I can feel you are sad and searching for an understanding... but this can only come from him, from you, and from a discussion with him.
You say you don't know what to do... and question about the length of your wanting for him to decide... Did you tell him this? You write this here, but this is serious and very sad, I mean that the discussion did not lead to clarity and peace and instead it lead to writing here about your sadness of not spending the summer with him, about the waiting...
I don't know what to say more than what I wrote... Think about this well, ask yourself and ask him. This is not only about his fears, it's about your fears too and about the future of this relationship.
I can understand his need for more time, but since when is this going on? How much time does he need and for what? To think about how to tell her? Imagining her possible reactions are just imagination until real. She might react as he fears or maybe not. But still postponing out of fear is only postponing and it brings much sadness to your heart and your relationship.
This is life... your life... you cannot live in hiding and he not telling you something clear... or at least some indication. I don't see "I don't know how long" as an answer to the woman he says he loves unless he doesn't know how sad you feel...
Don't let sadness be your only state of being in this relationship. Don't let this summer be one of the heavy thoughts and sadness... Talk to him, again if needed, you deserve peace and clarity.
@calliope Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
I did express everything I could to him, how its affecting me. My fears my sadness etc. I told him the exact same thing about I do not think it matters what amount of time she will be who she is regardless. So waiting will only hinder our relationship. He tells me he wants this badly thinks of it all the time and beats himself up about it. He is worried about the kids adjustment (which I told him I dont have to be around full on, just occasionally work me in... to where they get familiar. Do it gradually, and I told him I am not asking or wanting to be thier mother, I just want to know this future he promises me is going to happen, and is going to work. I expressed how I need to know the reality of how our relationship will work without me being excluded from everything in his life, how do we make a future with no forward movement. He also wants to be respectful to the mother, I told him just tell her I am seeing someone and let it marinate and let her know eventually i may be introduced, doesnt have to be right now. Like I said I dont expect anything overnight, but some movement.
I did just speak to him this morning telling him I feel unresolved from last night. How I am still bothered and left upset. He got scared and fears I may leave if he doesnt do something. I told him I am not threatening leaving over this but I am not going to do this forever. And it feels hurtful to be a secret. It haunts me in my dreams.
He says he is going to slowly start making moves, so I guess we will see how this plays out
Thanks again 🙂
@leobra1221 Have you checked his chart and transits? First, is there anything in his natal that suggests this behaviour is more about him as a person, character, etc Then, what transits is he under - anything major that might be affecting his state of mind, state of being at the moment. As an eg. He's a Scorpio, so is Saturn in range of squaring his Sun (possibly his Pluto, depending on his age), is Uranus in range of opposing his Sun... Pluto, etc. Is the Scorpio SN near his Scorpio planet/s? What houses are involved? There could be a tonne of info about his current state and this situation in his chart.
Check in as a woman, and a Scorpio.
Number one. We never dis the other woman. Ever. Who knows wtf she was putting up with. I want to hear what she has to say. I do not sympathize with a man that swears she did... whatever.
Number two. RUN!!!!!!!! Do not even consider marrying this dude.. with the two baby mommas and the need to hide one of them. I have 5 planets in Scorpio. I am one through and through. If I am hiding something, there is a reason for it and it's never in that person's favor.
Can't discuss you on Facebook? Can't show you as 'the one' on Facebook. When I divorced my ex, I didn't gaf what he thought of who I was seeing. You can't keep a mother or father from seeing their kid.
You won't like this, and it is not the popular answer. He is still sleeping with her. Scorpio DL sleeps with their exes ....
RUN...
Are you a Leo? NO.
Take it from someone who was on and off with a Leo for years. 15.
There are millions of men out there that don't have all those suitcases attached to them...
Just telling you this as a woman with heavy Scorpio placements and as a person who has decades of experience with failed relationships and owning my part in them.... RUN!
@leobra1221 You're a Leo! A queen. You deserve better. You deserve a life with a young man that adores you and has no baggage. Scorpio sun squares your sun. Find an adoring fire or air sign that you can have fun with. Scorpio is an emotional wreck most of the time. Leo is sunny and upbeat and all about the strut. How will you shine that crown and strut the way you should be with all that garbage attached to you. Leo is also loyal. But be loyal to the right things. I just hate to see young women tangled up in these things. Especially when they don't bring baggage with them. Don't be another Scorpio divorce... this is coming from a Scorpio with actual good intentions telling you about the times when I did NOT have good intentions. Not meant in any way to dis or hurt you. I have three granddaughters and I would RUN to tell them the same. xo RUN!!!!!!!!!!! You are too good for this storyline
PS-I know I know.. the sex is SO GOOD. That will wear off too. Don't let a Scorpio pull you in sexually. They are GOOD AT IT. Scorpio thrives on power and control. RUN
@soup We have a great bond, best friends, laughing our asses off, same love languages, understand one another.
We fit. And there is a reason I am accepting the baggage because I feel the chemistry and compatibility is great regardless of what astrology may say.. almost all his inner planets fall in my 7th house.
We were very into eachother even before sex was invovled.
I know the 3 kids and 2 baby mamas does bother me, and I question my future at times... I do love him but I dont know how life is going to be when it is no longer just me and him... and him not involving me makes it harder to make this choice and know I am sure.
I am sure of him, I am just not sure of the life that comes along with it.