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Your Significant others Baby mamas?

leobra1221
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I am currently Dating a Scorpio man who has children.

He has 3 kids from 2 separate mothers. I have been around 2 of them periodically.

But I am not involved. We have known each other decently for 2 years, We have been talking/dating for almost a year, but officially in a relationship for 6 months. He has told the 2 first kids' mother about me and she knows they may be exposed to me periodically.

But it is the 2nd mother of the youngest that he wont tell about me. He has told me how she is/was, controlling and manipulative. He says things he has seen about narcissists relate to how she is. 

When they first broke up they were still living in the same home for about a month or 2 due to they had to sell the house and split the money etc. They were never married but bought the house together. While they were broken up but still living together we began talking. We had known eachother through work. Apparently she went through his phone/watch while he was asleep and seen he was texing me. At this point it was friendly talk, we were not sleeping together and maybe hung out a time or 2. We were not together. The texts she seen were just regular talk, joking around. But honestly I supported him through the break up process and all the crap she was putting him through. He slept on the couch for months, let her take more money for the house than him. Gave her extra money. She gave him guilt trips saying he was abandoning his son etc. She put him through it pretty rough.

She accused him of cheating with me, and that I was the reason he left. We were not talking at the time he left her, and I had gone through a break up recently as well.

So this was a year ago... and he tells me he is scared to tell her because she is petty, as well as because it is me and what she already assumed on her own. He is scared she will make his life hell with his son, and use it against him. Which may very well happen and I totally understand this and support him. But at the same time, I feel like I am some-what hidden.

This man tells me that he wants to marry me, claims he has a ring, and wants to propose on our vacation in September. So it is not like he needs time to be sure. Because from what he tells me, I am it and we are forever. I love this man greatly. He is such a wonderful partner, lover and best friend.

I understand he needs time, but if he is going to Marry me... dont you think he should have a talk with her?

The only reason I have become a little more impatient with it is because he told me he wants to propose. I would like to see how things would REALLY be. As in, being around his kids and trying to establish some sort of bond. Seeing how the reality of our relationship would be, not just the time i get with him during the week when it is just us and it is great. Because in reality I feel like I am his "other life" not in his life. I wouldn't be feeling so needy about this if he was not trying to make it so serious. I am no one to rush the kid thing, but he seems sure of me.

I do feel bad for him because i know he still feels powerless to this woman that broke him down over the years. And she still obviously instills some fear in him. But I also think he needs to stand up to her. And that I deserve to be known. I cannot even post my relationship on Facebook for gods sake because of this woman.

He still has his as single, and I know Facebook is silly. Doesn't mean everything but id like to be able to express what id like and what I care about, which includes him.

So I know it is a hard situation and I see it from both angles and I dont want to pressure him or make him more uncomfortable than it must already be. But at the same time I hate that he has to feel like this with her. But I also want to feel like he is 110% in, like he says he is.

I am an overthinker and sometimes my mind gets the best of me and I wonder if he still cares and maybe that is why he doesn't tell her.

 

He is a Scorpio Sun, rising, venus, merc. Sag mars, Virgo moon

 

I am more than understanding but I also have feelings too.

Am I wrong? Or have you dealt with similar situations? Any advice or stories are welcome

thank you

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la_sirena
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You’re not wrong at all. Have you told him all of this? If you’re going to be marrying him, shouldn’t you talk to him about this now? If he can’t handle this, then he won’t be able to handle you when you get married, or probably any woman for that matter.

 

No, you aren’t wrong. That ex is a manipulative cunt btw. I hate women who use mens children to have some sort of power and control over them. They make me sick.

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leobra1221
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@la_sirena .I agree, I do not understand. It only harms the child, that you claim is your everything. People need to separate their feelings and put the kid first.

And We did discuss it about a month or so ago. He expressed how he is scared, and how she has all the power. And how he feels "like he has a time limit" and this same exact conversation is when he told me about how he wants to propose.

I feel as if I did not express everything I was feeling at the moment and let him express himself, but it seems to be bothering me more as time goes on.

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la_sirena
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@leobra1221 I would tell him how much this is actually bothering you. I would also point out the consequences of this continuing. 

I’ve seen this happen to Scorpio men. I’m sure it can happen to any sign, but particularly I have noticed Scorpio men have to deal with this type of vengeful ex behavior more often. Unfortunately, when a child is involved Scorpio cannot simply amputate. Unless they want to lose the child too. Or unless somehow they get sole custody of the child. Scorpio and the 8th house deal with psychology and unfortunately often it’s disturbed pathological, manipulative, obsessive, etc, type of psychology. Other peoples and their own. Intensity. Power plays. These are things Scorpio has to deal with. When a Scorpio man is careless enough to have a baby with someone who is vengeful, obsessed, has low self esteem, is dependent, etc, and he doesn’t actually love her or have intentions to really stick with her, he will fall victim to power plays. 

He has to figure out what to do about this before you get married. 

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la_sirena
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I should note that I added the “has no intentions to stick with her” because typically, from what I have seen, a Scorpio man will stick with a woman through hell and high water if he has intentions to stick with her. They are fixed and they are very strong and can weather anything. I believe they know deep down when they make this type of internal commitment. There is very little that can break it besides an enormous and repeated breach of trust. 

It’s possible there was something like this that happened but that’s not likely. And even still, if he were mature and using his brain to think with rather than his dick, he would have thought of the consequences of having a kid with someone who could control him with the kid later. Scorpio knows exactly what type of person they’re dealing with. 

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leobra1221
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@la_sirena from What he says, she had changed a lot. She was no longer the person he fell for in the beginning. The in totally planned for their child. So he must of thought forever to make that choice.

 

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la_sirena
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@leobra1221
I’ve  seen this too. Sometimes their urge to create life is stronger than their intellect. The sign of life and death. Creating life is a strong urge for a lot of scorpios. Not too wise. Well now he has to pay for that choice. 

He may be able to figure out a way to talk to the mom about the situation so that she is less psycho. He will have to make a plan.

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leobra1221
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@la_sirena I sure hope so, my mind and heart are at battle/

Head tells me to let it go, itll happen in time.

My heart feels like I am being hid, and on the back burner to an extent...

Unless he really is not sure... i dont know. I think too much and it all gets messy in my head lol

 

Thank you for your time

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la_sirena
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@leobra1221 they always say that “they changed” but if they were paying attention they would have seen the signs from the beginning. 

Good luck!! He needs to talk to her before you get married. Pls don’t wait til after. 

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elisa
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@la_sirena sorry to intervene this part; but it just reminded me of two scorpio suns who are young and together for over a decade and now in their early 40s and they vowed never to have children because they just dont want them. Well i guess its not in their life style. i think because of their past, and family maybe but they're not interested. i'm beginning to see alot of couples not wanting children these days and we live next to senior citizens over 65 to 70 who never had children so they dont have adult children  or grandchildren over at all. Its strange and surreal because when they get to that point they will just check into a nursing home i suppose. I will try to help bring groceries to them if they hire caretakers in the future.

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leobra1221
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@elisa So we discussed me being a secret in alot of depth last night.
We talked for hours. His fears, concerns why its a big deal.
But i feel like we didnt get anywhere, if anything i feel like he needs more time.
He cant tell me how much or how little...
I brought up holidays this year and that I wont even be able to be around him for thme bc of this?
He said i would still see him but not involved with kids...
Idk what to do.
I am not asking to be mom or to be around them 24/7 now... but mayb eonce in awhile do something. Get my feet wet, get a taste of how life would be...
How do I know I can do this? what if i waste 6 months more or another year? Idk what to think

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Elsa
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We haven't heard her side of the story!  I'm sure she has one.

Outside of that, I agree with la_sirena.  If you're going to be married, you should be able to hash this out,

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leobra1221
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@elsa I’m sure she does, 2 sides to every story.

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elisa
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hmmm i would be upset too that he hasn't made it known you are together;  something doesn't seem right. I know you mentioned it's alot to do with the 2nd mother of his child, but he cant even handle that?? and i hate to be 2nd fiddle to the ex's demands too. This may make your life a living hell in the future if he doesn't do something. I'm sorry i have not dealt with this situation, as i never meet men with children. I always meet men who dont want children or if they do, they never had children before. Maybe because i was much younger. I always meet the 11th houser types or non committment phobes.  But it sounds like this guy also sounds non commitment phobe too. Crazy he never married the previous. And i wonder if he's just not met anyone yet until you. But why the lack of spine with the ex? yes i get he has the child with her, hmmm but it makes me think. 

i also agree with la_sirena, and if he can't handle this BEFORE you marry, he's honestly gonna give you a hard time and stress and sadness if he doesn't take care of this. 

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leobra1221
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@elisa thank you

yes I am fearing it may cause a lot of anxiety and stress for me… kind of already is but I always argue myself maybe give it more time. I’m trying to be understanding. He is so held up by her because from what I personally can tell, just by how he is with me. She was mentally/emotionally abusive. You can tell he was broken down. Always thinks he did something wrong, apologizes a lot. Tells me he has never felt loved like how I love him But I do agree, regardless. He cannot let her control him forever. Unless, he is trying to not upset her. If that is the case, I would feel as if he is putting her feelings before mine. I don't necessarily think this is the case, I think he just fears the drama to come along with it. I try not to judge others for having children, I try to put myself in their shoes. I personally do believe it is more difficult, but he is worth so much to me.

 

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elisa
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@leobra1221 

yw,  btw, there's nothing wrong with men having children. I was just saying i dont meet those because i think subconsciously i dont want to deal with that. maybe i dont want the responsibility. i'm rather commitment phobe myself but with another commitment phobe i'm ok. we get eachother. lol My sister who has a stellium in pisces and taurus moon ALWAYS meets men with children. it's like her MO. lol there's really really NOTHING wrong with it. Just means she loves having the children and a family that comes along with the man. lol 

and another thing, he's a scorpio, your guy, i always read that scorpio men usually know what they want when they meet their soul mate. He would destroy that other ex if she tries to get in the way. I really dont want to hurt your feelings if it turns out he is just playing you. I dont know him and maybe he has been broken down. but its just unlikely..and maybe because my experience is usually that they are all in or all out. Sorry if i dont really have good news to tell you. I would not want you to get your hopes up. For example, my guy was ALL in. No in between. You are their soul mate or you are not.

also, if he has children from previous marriages, as your guy does. those children are part of his life, and that's a responsibility you have to take on. If you dont like it, he may not like you as a person and thought you were someone else. so they come with the package.  My sister always is good to the children of the men she dates, one of them was her ex husband and she raised that child and now he's a young adult and loves her and calls her mom.

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leobra1221
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@elisa I am pretty sure he is all in. He has been in 2 long relationships and never proposed but told me he knew right away with me. But I do understand your point of  view.

I have been around his 2 older kids and he says he loves how I am with them, that it melts his heart. The daughter always hugs on me and won’t leave my side. She was drawing me pictures after the first time meeting me and the boy was asking him when they could see me again because he liked me. So me with the kids if anything is super positive in his eyes.

but back to What I said. Either she has him so scared, or he is scared to hurt her feelings. 
but I haven’t brought this issue up. I think it may be time to bring it up since he wants to get engaged next month.

i feel I should establish a relationship with the kids before even committing to marriage.
but I appreciate your time and efforts. He tells em all the time that he was always told he should get a ring by the ex, and that he never wanted to. And even before we were officially in a relationship he told me he wanted to put a ring on my finger.

i have no doubts about his feelings for me, I just cannot stand the control this woman holds over him. 

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elisa
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@leobra1221 

i remember a video from this site that elsa made, and it's so true. Smile

https://www.elsaelsa.com/astrology/dating-scorpio-the-nature-of-the-deal/

i just want to give you heads up that, honestly, he is not being controlled at all. And if that ex is bat shit crazy, maybe he likes that. >_<

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elisa
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@leobra1221 

something is bothering me about your first post,

he was texting you friendly stuff while he was with her. It looks like he was cheating. But i know you said you weren't sleeping with him. Still, flirting and talking and not telling her who he was talking to is... cheating.

Loyal men dont do that. I'm telling you now, he isn't interested in that woman (ex) because he obviously flirting and secretly not telling her that he's all friendly with you behind her back.

Because why she made a fuss and then he not drop you?

Only a man who loves a woman would not upset the woman he loves. And tell you, sorry but i will stop talking to you because it upsets my woman.

Hmmm you see what i mean?

he is upsetting both of you.

so take that as a grain of salt, or whatever, but honestly, the woman (ex) if he's holding the child over his head, it wont hold in court anyway. He can take her to court and then take him away from her if she's crazy. Just something i forgot to look over in detail when you both were texting friendly stuff together while he was with her.

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leobra1221
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@elisa I must have missed this.

But they were not together at the point when we were texting friendly. So no this was no form of cheating.

They were broken up, and arragning to sell the house. Both had to figure out housing arrangements so for awhile were still in the same home, separate rooms. Trying to manage until the sale went though this lasted about 2 months

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elisa
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@leobra1221 its ok.  and i think too, after reading soup's response on the 2nd page, that he is cheating with the 2nd momma, i mean, he is hiding you from her? thats ridiculous ...no one gonna tell a scorpio man what to do, even if his children are involved. Besides, he knows exactly what he's doing and he is also hiding you from facebook. that already rings RED FLAG all over. 

anyway i hope you find a better person to be with and doens't hide you from the world.  I mean you said you will marry next month, so i dont know how he's going to do this and pull it off while hiding you from her. >_<  he's some kind of miracle worker.

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leobra1221
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@elisa He is not or was not cheating with 2nd baby mama... 

But yes I am hidden because he doesnt want the drama of her finding out about me I suppose

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elisa
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@leobra1221 

sigh ok, well, you have a tough life ahead of you, with his two baby mommas and children; but it's rewarding if you stay with it. And you have alot of LIBRA, and you love to partner, i hope it works out for you. You have Leo so you're stubborn and you want this.

its alot, but i think you are strong and you can do it. just come here if you have any problems, many here are very supportive and kind.

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leobra1221
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@elisa Thank you! Yes I am not one to give up easily when I truly love someone...

But I cannot make this work without fully reciprocity from the other end...

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Libra Noir
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I think Scorpios tend to hide things that they want to protect and keep safe, all things being equal. In other words there are no crazy red flags other than this one issue right? He seems devoted correct? Everything points to him not being a scumbag, but moreso that he’s protective of you. That’s of course the interpretation you seem to be giving here. 

 Unfortunately if it bothers you, it may backfire on him because it will destroy the thing he’s trying to protect.

But you always could just decide to trust his judgement if you wanted to because that’s what it really comes down to- trust. But he knows her better than you do so honestly he’s probably in a better position anyway to know how to best deal with her. 

Or you could decide to not trust him- put him in a position to have to decide wether or not to expose your relationship to potential toxicity through the ex and how he might react to that. 

Also, possibly the perception that she is controlling him is wrong. It seems that he is controlling her. I think he probably understands that if he lets her in she will try to destroy you two. You could always ask him directly too. You could ask him “Why?”  

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leobra1221
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@libra-noir I do trust him and that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Trust he will make the right move at the time he feels is best or smartest. It has just seemed to bother me more as time goes on and things are getting more serious. I just feel it is holding us back from the next step.

he has mentioned he doesn’t want our relationship to come crashing down, and he loves what we have right now.

and no no other red flags

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Libra Noir
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That sounds awesome. It does make sense that he would want to really take his time to lay a solid foundation with you. Three kids by two different mothers, one of which is unstable- that is a lot to handle and I think it does show some maturity that he’s not trying to rush anything. Of course you know how you feel about him and he feels about you but he has a lot more to navigate than just himself. He’s probably trying to protect his child too. 

I understand your end too. You have strong feelings and you want to be with him with no secrecy. And at some point he’s going to have to face her even though he knows the shit might hit the fan. He can’t avoid her forever. 

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leobra1221
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@libra-noir exactly he will eventually have to face this, I just feel she wouldn’t take it as hard if he eases her into it and says hey I’m dating someone.

not just flat out I’m getting married. Then she will know he hid it the whole time and he more vengeful in my opinion.

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