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What were you taught about love?
Here's my story. I felThis
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Libra Noir
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Monday, February 13, 2017 - 10:47 am
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When I was 11 my dad married a woman who had two sons. One is three years older than me. My mother had recently sent me and my sister to live with my dad. He already had my two brothers. My father was and still is to a lesser degree, an incredibly angry petty man. He hated my stepbrothers. At one point me and my stepbrother formed a bond. We would talk for hours. I didn't recognize it then but looking back I see that it was love. We never touched each other although those feelings were there. But my dad found out we were spending time together and put an end to it. I felt so ashamed because he told me it was inappropriate. I didn't think we were doing anything wrong. He told me he was doing this because he loved me. So love became something different. Love takes away. Love makes you feel small. I also got the impression that men's intentions were never pure. Love was something that I needed to be protected from. Of course I took these ideas with me into every interaction. 

As a young adult my father told my then boyfriend about me and my stepbrother and that my stepbrother got close to me to get back at him. He's a narcissist but I didn't have that awareness then. Everything is about him. Of course my boyfriend who is also a narcissist told me. He's also a psychopath so he enjoyed seeing me in pain but I didn't have that awareness then either. All I knew was that the purest love I'd ever felt was a lie. Only after leaving my ex and doing a lot of research and soul searching did I realize that my dad was manipulating the situation. My stepbrother did express his love one time as young adults. He told me that he felt so protective over me that at one point he thought he wanted to be with me. 

I formed a lot of ideas about love from this. That love is shameful mainly. That I am unloveable. That love hurts. That needing to be loved is shameful. I never guessed that this incident was where I picked up these ideas about shame. One incident shaped how I felt about something so important to a libra as love. I had a breakthrough last night about the vastness and expansiveness of love. And that it has nothing to do with shame. And I'm so grateful. I'm not angry at my father because I know he was just being himself and acting out his own patterns that he picked up as a kid. He really did think he was doing the best for me. So now I'm looking in my heart at what love really is and it's nothing like the love I've been taught about. 

And this is all coming up because I'm going to see my stepbrother today. I haven't seen him in a few years. I'll be attending the funeral of his ex wife and the mother of his two children, one very young. Her death was very sudden and brutal. I still feel a special love for him. Especially now that I'm sure he's in pain. 

So that's just a little bit about this libras journey with love and how she's finding her way back. 

Whats your experience with love? 

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ScottishFoldSoul
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Monday, February 13, 2017 - 12:48 pm
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Nazareth says it best for me in their song "Love Hurts"

"Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and mars

Any heart not tough or strong enough to take a lot of pain

Take a lot of pain love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain

Love hurts

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Misti
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Monday, February 13, 2017 - 6:05 pm
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I'm sorry to hear of your pain, Libra Noir. Happy to hear of your breakthrough. My first love was my first cousin, a Pisces. We were inseparable as toddlers. We adored each other. He was actually my first kiss when I was six. I felt shame. I knew that because we were cousins we weren't supposed to love each other like that. And my dad. God. It was a horror show with him. 

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soup
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Monday, February 13, 2017 - 7:12 pm
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What were you taught about love?

That it leaves. Don't get too attached to it because if you do you will be gut punched soon enough. It's smothering, comes with strings attached, there is usually a motive, sometimes it hits (physically) and demeans and most of the time its not real at all.

This is what I was taught as a child. The only exception I have seen to any of this all of my life have been my grandmother and my Pisces husband of 20 years.

What I have been taught as a child has been true from what I have experienced as an adult.

I wish I had better news to report because I would sure like to have a different opinion of it. But, I don't.

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Libra Noir
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Tuesday, February 14, 2017 - 12:14 am
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Thank you for your responses. I feel really good about this realization because I feel so much more expansive and powerful. And so much more hopeful for myself. My belief now is that love is an all encompassing energy. It's not constraining or manipulating. It allows and it accepts. Since I've realized this I haven't had that deep hunger for love that I felt for so long. It's like I fulfilled myself. I never knew that was possible. I literally felt my heart center open up a few weeks ago. There's definitely something deep going on with me. Pluto square sun transit. I wish everyone could feel like I feel right now. And somehow I know that this is just the beginning. A return to innocence (cue the enigma song with the Native American guy singing:))

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Satsun
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Tuesday, February 14, 2017 - 6:20 am
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I was taught that it's a no-no, no guys, no sex, no nothing.

My experience has been being fucked up, figuratively and literally. Completely out of it, looking for the wrong things in the wrong places, 1/2 blind. Feeling like shit.

Libra Noir, I like your description - it's more (and better) than just "being in love". Another level. Luckily and hopefully, experience, even bad stuff, can help to achieve this higher view.

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Tam
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Friday, February 17, 2017 - 8:11 am
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Basically, love is a miserable drama

My paternal grandfather was either murdered or committed suicide. My maternal grandfather had twins with the next door neighbor and drove them across the country to give them up to some extended family members of the woman. My dad cheated on my mom and would randomly leave us. Alcohol, lies, abandonment.

Libra Noir I just find you to be an amazing person I'm so glad to have met and read your comments here on the forum.

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Libra Noir
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Friday, February 17, 2017 - 10:59 am
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Tam said
Basically, love is a miserable drama

My paternal grandfather was either murdered or committed suicide. My maternal grandfather had twins with the next door neighbor and drove them across the country to give them up to some extended family members of the woman. My dad cheated on my mom and would randomly leave us. Alcohol, lies, abandonment.

Libra Noir I just find you to be an amazing person I'm so glad to have met and read your comments here on the forum.  

Thank you Tam:) I respect you too. Your ancestry is interesting and parallels mine in some ways.  I'm the child of an alcoholic too. My mom still drinks daily. Drives drunk every day. Sometimes verbally abusive to me. And I'm pretty sure my maternal grandmother committed suicide. My paternal grandmother was an alcoholic and pill popper. My dad was just violent and angry. 

I never knew how many personality traits I'd picked up from that way of growing up until I started researching adult children of alcoholics (ACOA). Of course no one wants to repeat our parents mistakes. Nobody wants to live with their parents karma. I don't know what it takes to jump out of that cycle but I feel like I'm doing it. I think it's more the rebelliousness in me than anything:) 

Satsun said
Libra Noir, I like your description - it's more (and better) than just "being in love". Another level. Luckily and hopefully, experience, even bad stuff, can help to achieve this higher view.  

Yes it is another level. And hard experiences have definitely helped me achieve a higher view. Plus I just believe in my heart of hearts that I'm not a piece of shit and that I'm worthy of happiness. I just don't think God would create something to be miserable. That belief has kept me alive so to speak. So the process of refinement is happening right now. Throwing away the bullshit like my previous love beliefs and letting the truth of the universe come up. It's actually fun:) I'm learning a lot about unconditional love right now. I'm learning that to love honors freewill. That love is free from expectation. This is the way the universe loves us and I've found that state that feels the best is one that sees like the higher self sees. The higher self loves everything it perceives. 

capDB said
It's interesting because it's less about what I was told and more about what I saw and was shown.

Marriage - violent, explosive, scary. No respect, no intimacy. A trap. A prisoner.

 

Mind you, I'm 45 and never been married. I'd love to be. But I didn't get that far...

 

Love? Affectionate, overprotective, nourishing (but laden with some control and resentment), doesn't trust...  

I've never been married either capdb. I'm sure it would be nice but I've decided that I'm not going to wait for it to let myself be happy. I know it will appear in my sphere the moment I am ready and not a moment sooner or a moment later. 

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Saturday, February 18, 2017 - 11:50 am
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I was thought that love is about service. It's an action as much as a feeling. I do have to thank my parents for that.  Venus in Virgo. 

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BlueMagoo
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Sunday, February 19, 2017 - 8:27 am
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Don't think my parents ever mentioned the word love.

But what I saw was that love was about co-dependency and obligation. That if you got married, it was for life and you just make it work irrespective of whether it's a good relationship or not.

My parents have been married for 50+ years but I wouldn't want a relationship like theirs. I've never see them touch, kiss or even hold hands. I have no idea how my sister and I were created laugh  When they converse it's usually to criticise each other or talk about how awful some part of the world is. I went round there the other day and they'd given each other Valentine's cards but it's a classic 364 days per year of not-loving vs 1 day of expressing because you have to, or allowed to.

I was also taught that love is gifts and presents but those are conditional with an expectation of something in return.

All very alien to my inner nature which is full of Leo generosity and Neptunian want to do the best for others.

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Sunday, February 19, 2017 - 9:06 am
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I wasn't really taught about love when I was young but what I saw was women who got cheated on and acted like this was the norm. They just took it and carried on with family life. I saw this with 90% of the women I knew. 

I also observed that love/marriage was a responsibility and fun between a husband and wife was rare. I can't imagine that for me. I'd be bored to death. I love family life but need fun times with my husband too. 

My parents though always told us to never put up with such behavior as we started getting into our 20's. 

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Sunday, February 19, 2017 - 10:54 am
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Thanks for sharing everyone. I think it's interesting that some of you mentioned nothing actually being verbalized about love. It wasn't verbalized in my childhood either. It makes me think a couple things about my son actually and how I can most effectively pass on this knowledge. One is that actions speak louder than words and another is that it might actually be a good idea for me to explain those actions with words. I told him the other night that I will attempt to give him all the knowledge that I have. I really think my parents did this too. They gave me their fullest understanding of things. 

Another thing I'm finding interesting about your responses is that no one has mentioned universal love or love of humanity or love of God or those broader types of love.  My parents never said anything about these either. Or my culture for that matter. I'm pretty sure every religion is based on love but that theme seems to have been lost in talk of morality.  (Just my observation.) 

As far as my own personal journey. I made kind of a pact with myself last night. That I would love every person that was in front of me as if they were my soulmate. (Because they are really). Now I should add that I'm not into the martyr thing (I can be very forgiving but I'm too self protective to be an actual martyr). I think I understand now very clearly what love is NOT. I know that love doesn't involve giving my power away, ever. I'm comfortable with the knowledge that my power can only be given away, not taken away. 

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Sunday, February 19, 2017 - 11:06 am
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strawb. said
I was thought that love is about service. It's an action as much as a feeling. I do have to thank my parents for that.  Venus in Virgo.   

Yes I relate to this as a venus in Virgo. And service can be taken to some great and unique heights. It doesn't have to look like mother Theresa. 

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Sunday, February 19, 2017 - 11:43 am
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Libra Noir said
Thanks for sharing everyone. I think it's interesting that some of you mentioned nothing actually being verbalized about love. It wasn't verbalized in my childhood either. It makes me think a couple things about my son actually and how I can most effectively pass on this knowledge. One is that actions speak louder than words and another is that it might actually be a good idea for me to explain those actions with words. I told him the other night that I will attempt to give him all the knowledge that I have. I really think my parents did this too. They gave me their fullest understanding of things. 

Have you read up on the five languages of love?  Verbalisation, touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts  I think they are.

What I've seen in life is that you can get a Cappy type person who will never verbally express love because it makes them feel vulnerable but they will do it through touch, gifts and acts of service. But they might struggle to trust the spoken word as words can be cheap.

On the other hand, a gemini might be good at verbalising it and buying gifts but scared of the cuddling or touch aspects.

I think it's important to try and teach yourself to use all five modalities.

Libra Noir said

As far as my own personal journey. I made kind of a pact with myself last night. That I would love every person that was in front of me as if they were my soulmate. (Because they are really). Now I should add that I'm not into the martyr thing (I can be very forgiving but I'm too self protective to be an actual martyr). I think I understand now very clearly what love is NOT. I know that love doesn't involve giving my power away, ever. I'm comfortable with the knowledge that my power can only be given away, not taken away.   

I believe love is a neptunian-based quality. But you have to learned other aspects of life such as assertiveness, boundaries, discrimination to be able to actually 'use' it.

There can be a mistaken belief that love is helping others and rescuing them. Again this is a neptunian mistake. Sometimes helping others is letting them struggle to help themselves.

One of the lessons that our society fails to teach is that we should separate behaviours from the actual person.  You can love the person but not approve of the behaviour. Forgiveness is a huge part of loving the person but that doesn't mean to say you have to let them behave around you the same way again. If someone continually behaves badly around you then it is loving to both of you to set a relevant boundary. It is loving to teach them the natural consequences of their actions rather than ignore or deny them (again neptunian shadow potential).

The line in the bible about "love thy neighbour like thyself" is actually a guide that we have to learn to love ourselves first before we can love others. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. When we learn to love ourselves we no longer need it from others but are in a position to give freely of to others. It costs no part of ourselves to spread love through a kind word or action.

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Sunday, February 19, 2017 - 3:24 pm
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BlueMagoo said

I believe love is a neptunian-based quality. But you have to learned other aspects of life such as assertiveness, boundaries, discrimination to be able to actually 'use' it.

There can be a mistaken belief that love is helping others and rescuing them. Again this is a neptunian mistake. Sometimes helping others is letting them struggle to help themselves.

One of the lessons that our society fails to teach is that we should separate behaviours from the actual person.  You can love the person but not approve of the behaviour. Forgiveness is a huge part of loving the person but that doesn't mean to say you have to let them behave around you the same way again. If someone continually behaves badly around you then it is loving to both of you to set a relevant boundary. It is loving to teach them the natural consequences of their actions rather than ignore or deny them (again neptunian shadow potential).

The line in the bible about "love thy neighbour like thyself" is actually a guide that we have to learn to love ourselves first before we can love others. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. When we learn to love ourselves we no longer need it from others but are in a position to give freely of to others. It costs no part of ourselves to spread love through a kind word or action.  

Nice! Well put. I have studied the five love languages. My main language is physical affection. My moms is gifts. My sons is quality time. I always knew that about my mother. She would buy me clothes as opposed to giving me hugs as a kid. She's helped me out with money a few times. I had some understanding of her even as a kid that that was how she expressed love. 

As far as seeing love in a universal way, it's become pretty clear to me what is loving and what is not. Basically not honoring mine or others freewill is not love. If that basic principle of freedom is not respected then the love energy can't be channeled. So it's really love of freewill. And somehow that makes it totally unconditional. The way I see it freewill and unconditional love are two basic inescapeable qualities of the universe and they go hand in hand, at least in my mind. 

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