This is eating me alive
I am in a relationship with a Scorpio male that has 3 kids and 2 mothers to his children.We have been together a little over a year, and dated about 6 months prior to that.
Recently I am having a whole lot of doubts about the future of our relationship. He speaks of me moving in and has been hinting and claiming he is going to propose this spring.
This is low key freaking me out. Don’t get me wrong I love the idea of him wanting to marry me and us being United, but I am having massive cold feet.
I love him dearly, I want him… but I don’t know if I can handle the life that comes along with him… kids, exs etc
I don’t know if I want to be responsible for someone else’s children. Mentally, physically, and financially.
I am not a top priority and never will be due to kids. Which shows he’s a good dad but at the same time it sucks because I will never be for him what he is for me. Which is #1.
I am scared we will go too far and I will not be able to handle it, or I will be unhappy. It’s to the point where I am considering splitting up.
I don’t know what to do but these feelings are eating me alive and I don’t know how to bring it up and talk about it without making him feel bad about having kids. Because he’s a good dad and does his part. I know he can’t help his past and this is what came along with him. I knew what it was in the beginning but I guess the reality is hitting me a lot harder now that things are being talked about in terms of a bigger commitment.
I also have drama with one of his ex’s, she has problems with me being around. And it causes issues with the kids. And I don’t know if I want to deal with her if I were to move in because I know she will cause problems once she finds that out.
Also, in general. I don’t feel my man holds me to the same standard as I do him. Although I realize he has a lot more in his world to worry about than me, when for me it’s opposite. But I do not feel I am appreciated to the extent I should be. I feel I do more and put more effort into making him happy than he ever does me.
It kills me to even think about being away from him, but it’s also killing me thinking of tying myself to a future I may not be happy with.
Oh man. I feel for you. I tend to think, if you're unsure, it means, hell no! But I wonder what your chart looks like.
I'm a runaway bride... but meant to be a mom. I needed someone to talk to ne about this.
It may be a long shot, I would consider if this is something you feel deeply or more akin to "fight or flight", when doing what you think you don't want to do is actually your destiny.
I don't know. There's something to learn here. It might be, "avoid men with children" but it also may be "quit running".
I had similar feelings when I dated a man with children. I thought I was very open-minded about it until I was in it. However, we weren't serious yet like the position you are in.
But, it is definitely a huge responsibility and understandable the burden/weight.
Definitely agree with Elsa - "There's something to learn here. It might be, "avoid men with children" but it also may be "quit running".
It would be helpful to see your chart
Do you want to have kids yourself with him in the future? That would change the dynamic considerably.
Maybe what’s eating you alive is that it’s knocking around your head instead of being discussed? Tell him how you’re feeling. I’m definitely no relationship expert but I don’t think there’s ever harm in telling someone you love what’s on your mind. Maybe he can offer you some reassurance or maybe not, but at least he will know that you trust him enough to tell him what’s going on. Give yourself and him that respect and go from there.
Just another thought: if you are happy now with him, you will probably be happy in the future too. But if you are not satisfied now, then that’s probably the trend that will continue.
This is tough. I can come to this from a different angle. I have dated men with children in the past. And the children always come first. It is better when you are included, at least somewhat, in the children’s lives when you are with them. But this is limited to things like activities together, meals, no discipline, of course. And you can build a relationship with them. The exes are a whole thing that, yup, you have to be distant, always be above reproach, the whole thing.
I finally did date a man with children but they were 16 and 20, and for a long time I never slept over his house while the youngest had his week with his dad. There was a distinct separation. The kids always came first. Then I moved in four years into the relationship, we married four years later. Of course this is different because these kids were older. Additionally, his ex and I get along fine because they were both over the marriage and you just have to move on for the kids’ sake (because you will never not see the ex).
We now have two grandchildren. I think one thing that is significant is that my husband and I experienced this together. (I have no children of my own.) Having this dynamic, this thing you go through together, being a parent or, in my case, a grandparent, you see yourself as still number one, but because there are little ones involved and they need immediate attention for whatever reason, assistance, attention, etc, you don’t mind. And of course, it is a balance. You still deserve respect, you deserve to be cared for as a spouse.
I know I didn’t enter this marriage until the kids were much more on their own but there were times when we spent a lot of our free time helping them work on their houses or whatever. Like many many summer weekends for years helping them. This was sometimes a little hard for me to take but it’s part of the package.
I don’t know how old they are or how often he has them. This definitely should be a discussion. What are his expectations of you in this, with the children and exes?
Elsa does pose a very good question, though. I hope you can discover what is best ♥️