I am in a relationship with a Scorpio male that has 3 kids and 2 mothers to his children.We have been together a little over a year, and dated about 6 months prior to that.
Recently I am having a whole lot of doubts about the future of our relationship. He speaks of me moving in and has been hinting and claiming he is going to propose this spring.
This is low key freaking me out. Don’t get me wrong I love the idea of him wanting to marry me and us being United, but I am having massive cold feet.
I love him dearly, I want him… but I don’t know if I can handle the life that comes along with him… kids, exs etc
I don’t know if I want to be responsible for someone else’s children. Mentally, physically, and financially.
I am not a top priority and never will be due to kids. Which shows he’s a good dad but at the same time it sucks because I will never be for him what he is for me. Which is #1.
I am scared we will go too far and I will not be able to handle it, or I will be unhappy. It’s to the point where I am considering splitting up.
I don’t know what to do but these feelings are eating me alive and I don’t know how to bring it up and talk about it without making him feel bad about having kids. Because he’s a good dad and does his part. I know he can’t help his past and this is what came along with him. I knew what it was in the beginning but I guess the reality is hitting me a lot harder now that things are being talked about in terms of a bigger commitment.
I also have drama with one of his ex’s, she has problems with me being around. And it causes issues with the kids. And I don’t know if I want to deal with her if I were to move in because I know she will cause problems once she finds that out.
Also, in general. I don’t feel my man holds me to the same standard as I do him. Although I realize he has a lot more in his world to worry about than me, when for me it’s opposite. But I do not feel I am appreciated to the extent I should be. I feel I do more and put more effort into making him happy than he ever does me.
It kills me to even think about being away from him, but it’s also killing me thinking of tying myself to a future I may not be happy with.
Oh man. I feel for you. I tend to think, if you're unsure, it means, hell no! But I wonder what your chart looks like.
I'm a runaway bride... but meant to be a mom. I needed someone to talk to ne about this.
It may be a long shot, I would consider if this is something you feel deeply or more akin to "fight or flight", when doing what you think you don't want to do is actually your destiny.
I don't know. There's something to learn here. It might be, "avoid men with children" but it also may be "quit running".
@elsa I think I agree with the fight or flight scenario.
I have been wondering myself if I am just scared and looking for reasons to run or if it is truly not right for me.
I tend to lean towards its not right for me and I shouldn't date anyone with kids but I always have that second guessing of myself.
@leobra1221 Hello, what is his age? And what is your age? Did he just have a Saturn return ? What are the ages and sex of the children?
I agree with Soup. Also, it’s the 12th house for me. I pray you do some deep soul searching and part ways and find someone else. Don’t you love yourself enough to know you deserve to have a balanced relationship? Are you this desperate?
You said “I don’t feel my man holds me to the same standards as I do him”
1-He will never be your man. He is a dad first - he’s their dad. First.
2-You will be a baby sitter.
3-“Your man, should be your protector, you should be his queen, his bride, his honey, his girl.
please step out side yourself and read your post and imagine it was one of us. It’s sounds like you’re trying so hard to convince us that this could work.
I feel bad for you. Fight for your self and be your best friend and know you are probably going to be X number 3.
But you don’t have to be. Please, there are millions of men out there.
Please don’t settle for drama and sadness that is ahead of you with him. And rejection. Soup said it best.
If you were my sister or friend - I’d drag you to therapy. Can’t you see the red flags inside your own post.?!
sending you love and care, this post really concerns me for you and your emotional well-being. It doesn’t even sound like he really even loves you that much, if at all. I’m so sorry that my answer is so negative, but please find yourself another man, your soulmate is not this man I assure you.
@leobra1221 Hey hun, I looked at your chart quickly and what stood out for me is your Saturn in Pisces - and what you said “ I am having massive cold feet”
- PLEASE heed that feeling and run. Saturn ! This is your Saturn - structure, being grounded, feeling secure. Study Saturn ! And you have it in Pisces, please don’t continue with the illusion of this relationship. Listen to your feet, they are massively cold for a reason. The astrology is here, His 12th house, your Cold feet ! Saturn in Pisces !!
Study Pisces and what are the body signs for Pisces ! The feet.
Everything you said is so sad, and lonely already! You can’t already talk to him?! - it also killing me thinking of tying myself to a future I may not be happy with.
- This is so sad to read. I assure you that (it’s not that you may not be happy with) It’s a definite YOU WILL NOT BE HAPPY WITH.
you will try hard and grow to resent him after lots of loneliness, - then bitter and angry with yourself for tying yourself-
- At times, you will be priority number 6.
cold feet - are trying to warn you!
please listen to your own emotions and listen to your body. It knows you’re setting yourself up for a disappointing disaster.
I pray you find the love you deserve! Be well, much love to you hun.
@woodenbowl Thank you much for your insight.
It isnt so much that I am trying to convince it could work, more so the opposite I need to have that extra support to make the move I know is right I am just scared to let go.
I can talk to him, he is always understanding and listens well I am just so i my head and anxious that I dont know where to start...
I know he loves me but I dont think he realizes the sacrafices I have to make in order to have this relationship when he makes none at all. If anything he gains, I lose.
I have pretty much made my mind up that I know what needs to be done I just need that extra push to leave. I also have a big promotion that starts next week and I need to be in the right head space to take on this new career as well as still helping cover my old role. Not to mention we work together so things will be 10x as hard seeing him constantly and distracting me from my new job that needs 110% of my efforts.
It just feels like horrible timing, but then again there is never a "good" time.
I just cant help but think how much better things would be if I was with someone without children sadly.
@leobra1221 I don't think the chart is definitive. I also use a different house system. It's not clear to me so I can't "call it" so to speak. Sorry!
@leobra1221 thanks and yes.
I think it's emerged you are primarily interested in partnering. Your moon mars in Libra supports the idea.
Your emotional need is for the relationship, not the family. That said, I don't think it's as clear cut (for you) as others have stated.
Libra compromises for their relationship(s) as a matter of course. IF this is the right man for you. IF you love him, then you might want to think about doing this with him... raising these kids with your 4th house sun.
I also don't agree about Scorpio being obsessed with their kids. I'm sorry @soup, but it is your 4th house / Cancer that gives you that distinction.
Scorpio is often deeply into their own creative product for example.
I guess I'd say, if you LOVE this man, consider staying. If not, cut him loose.
Good luck.
@elsa I do love this man and that is why this is so hard for me to decide/do...
But I almost feel like Id be giving up my life to adopt his... rather than us building a life together.
In my eyes I am either going to go "all in" and try. Or all out...
I feel so STUCK in what to do!
There has to be a reason this is itching at me so badly...
I had similar feelings when I dated a man with children. I thought I was very open-minded about it until I was in it. However, we weren't serious yet like the position you are in.
But, it is definitely a huge responsibility and understandable the burden/weight.
Definitely agree with Elsa - "There's something to learn here. It might be, "avoid men with children" but it also may be "quit running".
It would be helpful to see your chart
@belladonna Thank you!
I attached my chart above on my comment to Elsa if you'd like to see!
@belladonna By the way, how did that relationship with a man with kids end up going for you?
Do you want to have kids yourself with him in the future? That would change the dynamic considerably.
@sophiab No we both agreed on no more children.
I was undecided about children myself before we got together and I didnt want to have any more if he already had 3 so he got a vasectomy
@leobra1221 “I was undecided about children”
Is there an underlying sense of possibly wanting your own child? If so, thats a dead end for you with this man.
what if you decide you want your own baby - he’s had a vasectomy- did he possibly persuade you “no more kids”
It seems by your own words that you really don’t have a voice here already and without a voice - you aren’t being heard now and he is already unapproachable - “you already feel and put more effort into making him happy than HE EVER DOES ME” hun, this is because your not EVER going to be a priority to him to make YOU happy.
not now- not ever, he probably sees you as a people pleaser and easy peasy someone to help him with his 3 kids.
@Soup - please read her post over and over.
Do you really not want your own child?
or just going along with him.
you said you love the idea of him wanting to marry you!
please tell him you have cold feet, that its a huge sacrifice on your part and you want to entertain the idea of being free to find someone who can bring you flowers and - travel with, be safe with knowing your his top priority! That is what a married bride deserves!
And the option to have her own baby if she wants to!
@woodenbowl The older I get the less I have wanted kids, it was never a absolute no. But we agreed on no kids since he already had 3 ( this was my opinion, I dont want 4 kids, and def dont want to be mother of child #3) So I was completely on board with no more kids.
If i were with somone without kids and they had to have them, id consider it for the right person. But i dont have this urge in me that I must have children if this makes sense.
I am not saying he doesnt give effort but I feel I put more as he is my #1 priority and I am not his.... so i guess his efforts are thinner than mine
Maybe what’s eating you alive is that it’s knocking around your head instead of being discussed? Tell him how you’re feeling. I’m definitely no relationship expert but I don’t think there’s ever harm in telling someone you love what’s on your mind. Maybe he can offer you some reassurance or maybe not, but at least he will know that you trust him enough to tell him what’s going on. Give yourself and him that respect and go from there.
Just another thought: if you are happy now with him, you will probably be happy in the future too. But if you are not satisfied now, then that’s probably the trend that will continue.
@libra-noir Trust me I have wanted to talk to him about everything so badly but my mind races and I don't know which way to go or how to bring it up. And in my mind I want to "Figure things out" before saying anything. When in reality I should speak up and we could figure it out together.
I love him but a lot of things have been making me unhappy lately. So I am afraid I will be miserable if we blend our lives together.
@leobra1221 Why do you need to figure things out before you talk to him? Do you feel like you are bugging him? Or what’s the reasoning? There might be clues in that answer.
@libra-noir I need to feel certain of my feelings, I am too up and down and dont know what to do. For some reason I feel I need to know my path before I bring it up idk why
This is tough. I can come to this from a different angle. I have dated men with children in the past. And the children always come first. It is better when you are included, at least somewhat, in the children’s lives when you are with them. But this is limited to things like activities together, meals, no discipline, of course. And you can build a relationship with them. The exes are a whole thing that, yup, you have to be distant, always be above reproach, the whole thing.
I finally did date a man with children but they were 16 and 20, and for a long time I never slept over his house while the youngest had his week with his dad. There was a distinct separation. The kids always came first. Then I moved in four years into the relationship, we married four years later. Of course this is different because these kids were older. Additionally, his ex and I get along fine because they were both over the marriage and you just have to move on for the kids’ sake (because you will never not see the ex).
We now have two grandchildren. I think one thing that is significant is that my husband and I experienced this together. (I have no children of my own.) Having this dynamic, this thing you go through together, being a parent or, in my case, a grandparent, you see yourself as still number one, but because there are little ones involved and they need immediate attention for whatever reason, assistance, attention, etc, you don’t mind. And of course, it is a balance. You still deserve respect, you deserve to be cared for as a spouse.
I know I didn’t enter this marriage until the kids were much more on their own but there were times when we spent a lot of our free time helping them work on their houses or whatever. Like many many summer weekends for years helping them. This was sometimes a little hard for me to take but it’s part of the package.
I don’t know how old they are or how often he has them. This definitely should be a discussion. What are his expectations of you in this, with the children and exes?
Elsa does pose a very good question, though. I hope you can discover what is best ♥️
@allie120 Thank you for your insight.
His children are twins at 7 boy and girl
and a 4 year old boy
He does not expect me to be "mom" and I have been around them here and there, and the holidays. But i am not heavily around.
He gets them Fridays, Saturday, and Sunday every week. So most of the time on the weekends I am not around, or if I am ever invited on a weekend it is me coming over late.
I dont know if I am ready or capable of having my weekends be all about his kids. But to be fair I have never spent a weekend over there to know the full experience. There have been a couple of times I spent a whole saturday but most of those are with just the twins because the youngest mother is the pain.
She came to drop him off a couple weeks ago and I was staying the night so that my bf could take me to the airport in the morning and he lives 5 min from the airport. She flipped out that I was there (even though I have met her before and was around the kid for Thanksgiving and Christmas) It just seems that if there is an issue with a random friday, how will moving in be? Seems to be alot of problems to come. And I feel my bf feels controlled by her and doesnt stand up to her to be honest. Which is another issue. There needs to be boundaries but he doesnt set them.
@leobra1221 Oh wow. Ok. This is a tough place. It seems like a lot of work might need to be done, or prep, if you will, before anything permanent happens. I think it’s fair that you might not be around a lot when the kids are there with their dad. I can certainly understand that. They are young. He can give them all his attention.
I guess there are a couple of ways to approach this. I don’t know what is best (of course!). One way would be to be able to be there on the weekends with them. Maybe not to stay the night but to do activities with them, play games, watch movies, go places. Then you can all get to know each other. Then see how it goes and proceed.
But then again, you are in a place to really think about what you want from this relationship, because you aren’t so involved with the children yet.
I wish you all the best, everyone involved!
@allie120 I have done more things with the twins, but like I said the little one not much...
I dont impose or ask, its his kids and the extent of how much he wants me around. I just think I should be around more .... so me moving in wouldnt be such a shock and me and all the kids get a feel for how things will be.
Like you said I dont even know if this is for me either... Kids and ex's sounds miserable
@leobra1221 Personally, I completely agree with you about being around them more frequently. You’d rather blend in than be suddenly dunked in, which isn’t the best way to be a part of the family.
You say your boyfriend doesn’t like to make waves with the exes. I can understand that. If so, it seems like he could help the situation by deciding one way or another how this will go, and to move it along by establishing some goals, setting some boundaries, with all the adults involved.
Or, should your heart and head decide this isn’t the thing you want, you will be the one doing that.
@allie120 The thing is he doesn't put any boundaries with the ex and she causes problems.
I don't want to be with someone that another woman has them wrapped around their finger
First time i met her she yelled at me for 20 minutes. Of course I didn't say anything as the kid was right there, and I didn't want to give her the reaction she wanted. But at the same time he didnt say anythign to her, didnt stand up for me, and continued to be too nice to her after.
I told him I was upset he didnt have my back, as I would not stand to let someone talk to him that way.
@leobra1221 Oh ya, hell no. Personally for me, a nonnegotiable is baby mama drama. Way too messy. And the fact that he didn’t defend you….I can’t imagine how that made you feel. Honestly, it seems like he just needs to focus on his kids and get that whole situation under control before he commits to another woman. If it wasn’t drama that would be a better scenario. But it seems that this man does not have his life in order enough to be fully there for someone. Just my honest take.
@libra-noir He just has some serious work and boundary setting needing to be done with that woman and I dont know if i want to be around for it