Forum

Notifications
Clear all

The cord cutting didn't work...I guess he's supposed to be in my life after all? 🙂

Page 1 / 2

jenfullmoon
Posts: 86
Registered
Topic starter
(@jenfullmoon)
Trusted Member
Joined: 13 years ago

Backstory: had a crush on a friend since 2019, which is mutual but hasn't really gone anywhere since he has self-esteem issues. Like when he figured out I liked him originally, said he can't deal with asking people out and he has a lot of issues nobody else should have to deal with. However, I got a shit ton of signs and synchronicities happening regarding him. and he definitely has more ah, open affection towards me than "just friends" normally has and it was pretty clear to me it was mutual. During 2019 I decided "let's just get to know each other and see where it goes, if he's ready later, he seems like a slow burn person anyway." In 2020, pandemic, his Saturn return, his house burns down, and I went agoraphobic, so not exactly progressing on that front after all.

In 2021 I made him a perhaps too affectionate birthday present and went by his work to drop it off and after talking to me for a minute, he put it in his office and then just...went back to work and ignored me instead of talking to me some more like he normally would have when I was at his job. I interpreted it as, he's over me, I made him uncomfortable with the present, and I pretty much stopped talking to him for most of the year. He didn't show up to anything our friends were doing all year either, which in retrospect might have cleared everything up.

Two weeks ago I decided I was sick of feeling sad and mad about the entire thing and decided to do a big ol' cord cutting ceremony to get over it. Within a week he was back in my life, as a mutual friend invited us both to an event and the crush was very happy to see me and commented that he hadn't seen me in forever a few times. Like "um, nope, I don't think he got over liking me" level of happy to see me. A few days ago I finally got up the nerve to tell him that how he acted that day led me to think he didn't like me any more, and he said that wasn't the case, he was probably distracted by work, apologized, still has the present, and it wasn't a reflection on me at all and called me "sweetheart," even. He has admitted several times he's not good at reaching out/initiating anything, including here. (I note a few people suspect he's autistic. I don't know on that one.)

Anyway, sometimes the whole thing got a bit intimate, like at one point having a long hug (we do that) and I said "We need to do this more often." He said "yeah, yeah, agreed, I know." There's definitely physical...something...between us that he obviously feels too. That turns out to still be going on after all this time and separation.

I had given up on this whole thing and had been trying to get over it. After I took concrete steps to do so, well, the universe really fished him back into my life. I feel like that should mean something, right? I haven't had a relationship of this nature where signs kept busting out all over that seem to indicate sticking with him, so this is new to me.

Anyway... anyone ever had experience with this sort of, I don't know, "magical" relationship? I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. Clearly I have to be the one that takes the lead on stuff if it's going to, but I'm somewhat uncomfortable at the idea. Like sometimes I do it, but then I wonder if I'm being too pushy/much and he's kind of a delicate, traumatized flower at this point 😛 But...well, he said that about the hug, which makes me wonder if I should put more into seeing where this goes again. I had given up entirely, but now I wonder if I should still give up or try again? Actually ask him out or at least try to spend more one on one time with him? I know it's a lot of work, but it's not like I have any other fish in the sea that are easier and I do really like and have a lot of affection for him still even after all of this.

27 Replies
Elsa
Posts: 5827
 Elsa
Admin
(@elsa)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

He sounds socially awkward rather than delicate. Like on the spectrum?

It also sounds as if he likes you a lot.  He's just quirky. 

Reply
1 Reply
jenfullmoon
Registered
(@jenfullmoon)
Joined: 13 years ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 86

@elsa Yes, people have said they think he's autistic. I have no idea on that topic and cannot diagnose! A friend of mine who says she's autistic but hasn't actually been diagnosed as such (I don't know what to make of that?) said I should read up on dating someone with autism.
Yes, quirky also Smile

Reply
BellaDonna
Posts: 165
Registered
(@belladonna)
Estimable Member
Joined: 11 years ago

this sounds toxic to be honest... just because he reappeared after you thought you cut the cord does not = meant to be to me...

I did visualizations of cord cutting for over a year and it never helped... I was still hooked into a very toxic trauma bond. 

Look, everyone has issues but when a person is telling you they have issues that no one should have to deal with - whether conscious or not, this communicates I am not emotionally available or healthy enough yet to be a good partner. 

you sound like you are walking on a slippery slope here... "Magical" is not enough... toxic bonds can be magical too because of the chemical cocktail they create, they're like a drug... maybe I am projecting here? but it sounds familiar like you are high on some childhood wounds supply of your own. 

I could be wrong, but if someone could have woken me up or given me the knowledge to realize it's simply chemicals (it's fantasy) in my brain due to childhood wounds, I would have spared yrs of my life wasted on unavailable, unhealthy men. 

Reply
1 Reply
jenfullmoon
Registered
(@jenfullmoon)
Joined: 13 years ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 86

@belladonna Yeah, yeah, I know *sigh* But literally there isn't anyone else "better" out there and I still am interested even though I should not be.

Reply
jana
Posts: 760
 jana
Registered
(@jana)
Honorable Member
Joined: 2 years ago

It looks like you've been able to move on and not see him so really don't have anything to lose by asking him if he is still in the same place:

" said he can't deal with asking people out and he has a lot of issues nobody else should have to deal with."

and if perhaps you can try dating each other?  He seems ok speaking his mind on the subject. This way you can settle into a friendship for sure if that's all he intends and you can move on. 

Reply
1 Reply
jenfullmoon
Registered
(@jenfullmoon)
Joined: 13 years ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 86

@jana Good point. Like I could still avoid him if it doesn't go well.

I mean, really depends on what those issues are, you know? Like is he referring to his food allergy (I can see why you'd say that on that one since essentially I'd have to live like I also have a food allergy around him if I dated him--this was my original theory), or just that he's got low self esteem, or is this more of a "in his opinion that's bad but it's not really bad to anyone else?" sort of thing? Or something legit bad? Who knows?

Yes, he does speak his mind--better than I do, anyway. We'll see.

Thank you!

Reply
Rapunzelsoldierfish
Posts: 171
Registered
(@rapunzelsoldierfish)
Estimable Member
Joined: 7 months ago

I think it’s worth a shot. You never know till you try. It sounds like you are pulled toward him.
It might be good to go into this fully conscious of your deal breakers.
Do you know whether you could tolerate a relationship with someone more on the aloof side?

Reply
1 Reply
jenfullmoon
Registered
(@jenfullmoon)
Joined: 13 years ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 86

@rapunzelsoldierfish Yes, pulled towards him indeed...heck, he even feels it.

That is what I am pondering. He's not aloof in person most of the time. Mostly chatty on text if I initiate. It's the "disappears sometimes" thing that concerns me, mostly because it reminds me of The Ex Who Wanted Space And That's Code For Breakup Coming Soon, hah hah. Is it a problem if I know it's not a prelude to breaking up with me, he's just going through some shit and will resurface? Like I've been fine with my best local friend doing the same to me for the last few months--but she did email at times, and I knew what was going on, and she did come back.

If there's the trust that he will come back, is this a problem really?

Reply
Elsa
Posts: 5827
 Elsa
Admin
(@elsa)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

Re: the idea this is toxic - maybe.  But jenfullmoon has been around here for years... many years, like more than ten.  So I know her somewhat and what I wrote takes that into consideration.

He's quirky but so is she!

Posted by: @jenfullmoon

In 2021 I made him a perhaps too affectionate birthday present and went by his work to drop it off and after talking to me for a minute, he put it in his office and then just...went back to work and ignored me instead of talking to me some more like he normally would have when I was at his job. I interpreted it as, he's over me, I made him uncomfortable with the present, and I pretty much stopped talking to him for most of the year.

 

This is classic jenfullmoon.  She interpreted this in this way and then went agoraphobic?

I don't know. But it seems that was the veer off. You do something nice for someone and imagine their reaction. When it comes in different than expected - it's triggering. And then you flip into your script.

It's the long hugs that are hard to ignore. People who aren't compatible do not touch each other... hold on like that.  So this guy reacts oddly and then everything goes down the tubes.

You're now open to the idea something could work out and I would stay that way.

Reply
1 Reply
jenfullmoon
Registered
(@jenfullmoon)
Joined: 13 years ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 86

@elsa I was agoraphobic until I got vaccinated. Crush was literally one of the few people I saw in person all year. He was the only human who touched me for a year that wasn't a medical professional.

Yes, exactly, the reaction totally triggered me!

Thank you Smile This helped a lot.

Reply
Page 1 / 2