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anonymoushermit
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Friday, March 17, 2017 - 8:40 pm
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capDB said
Well, I've given this a lot of thought the past few days- (surprised?) 🙂

Here's what I've come up with.

 

1. I need to go back to surrendering - just like I did when he blew back into the picture.

2. This will always be a wound. Just like ending my relationship with my father didn't make the pain go away. It just changed. It will always be there. The grieving (while not heavy/active every day) will always be a part of my life. So will, I imagine, this - the loss of the nuclear family... the "dream" - and ...

3. I probably grieve that more. Which sounds ... I guess awful. But I saw him tonight (doing the exchange with our daughter) and while he looks really good - lost weight, beard, new clothes, glasses - like "hot" - like head-turning. It's just empty. There's no warmth. He tried to do his usual, chatting to himself so that I could hear - like saying "Well, I'm staying away from carbs now." And I've just been extremely minimal in our interactions. It's the basics.

4. It's funny b/c Elsa's post on love/currency was from 2009 right after I had my daughter - she was a few months old, and (this is how long I've been reading Elsa's blog!) I remember reading it back then and then laying in bed and talking to him about it! And we decided *then* we don't have the same currency. Ha! I don't even remember now what we said they were - but this has also gotten me to thinking a lot about what mine is (I'm talking to 4 different guys right now - and I'm mostly a bit... disinterested)...

5. I think focusing on Ex (analyzing it, etc) keeps me from facing the pain of being single. Of never having had that "dream" happen - having a house, being a wife, having more than one kid, etc. And then fearing that he will go on to have that and it will drive that pain in even further. But it is what it is.

 

on a separate note, I'm a little worried about my inability to be in other relationships. I have to give this currency idea some more thought - the only thing that popped into my head so far is someone highly self-aware. I'll see if I can post the synastry chart for the Aquarius - he has venus in pisces (but I don't have his birth time and I'm not sure how much that changes things) - reading about venus in pisces and it doesn't seem like him? (He was married for many years, widower)

 

I just feel like I've changed sooooo much I have no idea anymore what I like/don't like or want in a partnership. I'm going to keep things going with the aquarius (and just watching how my mind will keep pulling the stops).

And surrendering! Best thing I (as in me  -and how I am) could ever do.  

Nothing wrong with analyzing something, even a teensy tiny detail. Sometimes a person just needs to maul over, and think, over something, even if it's minute. It's why Virgo energy exists! wink

But if it's interfering with your daily life, it's time to at least lay it aside. I'm sure you already know this. angel

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Poppy
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Saturday, March 18, 2017 - 9:30 am
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*The common phrase being "mull over" - to reflect: to let a thought marinate/ripen, and to revisit it from time to time - I'm taken with the image of... stipping every comesible shred from a carcass. An accurate analogy for dissecting situations, imo. angel*

A thought that crossed my mind, while I was in conversation with a friend, explaining to him how it is to live as someone with an ADHD brain - do you know about the frequently common trait: emotional lability?

My friend grasps the dictionary definition, and yet admitted to me that he can't actually imagine how it works, for those of us who live with this all the time. (By the way, mist of us cope - take it in stride, after we're grown up. But, intense emotional reactions continue to be part of our experience, however we seem, or express. And that's life - everybody, each of us has ourself. Then, what do we do? cool)

cancersmily_gif

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Saturday, March 18, 2017 - 2:15 pm
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capDB said
Well, I've given this a lot of thought the past few days- (surprised?) 🙂

Here's what I've come up with.

 

1. I need to go back to surrendering - just like I did when he blew back into the picture.

2. This will always be a wound. Just like ending my relationship with my father didn't make the pain go away. It just changed. It will always be there. The grieving (while not heavy/active every day) will always be a part of my life. So will, I imagine, this - the loss of the nuclear family... the "dream" - and ...

3. I probably grieve that more. Which sounds ... I guess awful. But I saw him tonight (doing the exchange with our daughter) and while he looks really good - lost weight, beard, new clothes, glasses - like "hot" - like head-turning. It's just empty. There's no warmth. He tried to do his usual, chatting to himself so that I could hear - like saying "Well, I'm staying away from carbs now." And I've just been extremely minimal in our interactions. It's the basics.

4. It's funny b/c Elsa's post on love/currency was from 2009 right after I had my daughter - she was a few months old, and (this is how long I've been reading Elsa's blog!) I remember reading it back then and then laying in bed and talking to him about it! And we decided *then* we don't have the same currency. Ha! I don't even remember now what we said they were - but this has also gotten me to thinking a lot about what mine is (I'm talking to 4 different guys right now - and I'm mostly a bit... disinterested)...

5. I think focusing on Ex (analyzing it, etc) keeps me from facing the pain of being single. Of never having had that "dream" happen - having a house, being a wife, having more than one kid, etc. And then fearing that he will go on to have that and it will drive that pain in even further. But it is what it is.

 

on a separate note, I'm a little worried about my inability to be in other relationships. I have to give this currency idea some more thought - the only thing that popped into my head so far is someone highly self-aware. I'll see if I can post the synastry chart for the Aquarius - he has venus in pisces (but I don't have his birth time and I'm not sure how much that changes things) - reading about venus in pisces and it doesn't seem like him? (He was married for many years, widower)

 

I just feel like I've changed sooooo much I have no idea anymore what I like/don't like or want in a partnership. I'm going to keep things going with the aquarius (and just watching how my mind will keep pulling the stops).

And surrendering! Best thing I (as in me  -and how I am) could ever do.  

The denial of a desire is not how to rectify it in your understanding. I would suggest keeping your desire but reframing it. So you seemingly desire a nuclear family. But if you look closer at that desire, and what it would look like in your story, it's actually a representation of something you desire. (That's all life is. A reflection of our inner being.) If might represent some kind of attainment of love or stability. I would look at how you actually already have those things internally, maybe somewhere deep inside, but they are there. I guarantee it. If you didn't already have access to these things they wouldn't come into your awareness, even if you perceive them as lacking. The only struggle is that on some level you feel like you are not worthy of those things, that you are trying to suppress. The universe is always trying to point us in the direction of your true desire, and it's always at the source, which is YOU. Maybe you can grieve the idea of what that would look like but not really. Because how can you grieve something that's already innate in you. Your higher self would never give you a desire that could not be fulfilled. But you have to be able to accept it. That's where the work is. Not in some idea that it's an unattainable desire. Just by the very fact that you have a desire is proof that you are worthy of it. 

Also, true revelations always feel good. Always freeing. If you don't feel free and ecstatic from one, then it's not the truth and you need to keep changing your point of view til you find one that does feel good. Not just ok. But fucking great. When you feel fucking great you know you've found the true point of view. 

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Saturday, March 18, 2017 - 10:56 pm
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You mentioned the aquarius has venus in pisces but that it didn't "seem like it".  He's a widower.  Venus in Pisces is definitely "suffering the loss of a loved one".  If he had to spend any time caretaking her, even more so.

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capDB
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Sunday, March 19, 2017 - 7:46 am
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The aquarius is a tough one for me. I am trying to "surrender" - he wrote to me on the dating site. He's very heavy. Somehow this didn't bother me. He said he's losing weight (and he is) (diet and exercise). He's a good-looking guy.

 

He was very transparent about his weight. And he kept trying to give me a ticket out "It's okay if you aren't interested. I understand. I wouldn't want someone overweight." I said, "Let's do this." He was super kind - very communicative - and he is just an impressive guy. Stand up guy - for real.

So I meet him and it turns out both his parents died of cancer at age 54. He's 42. I got a bad feeling about that. Plus the weight (which I can get over - b/c he's losing - and lord knows I have my own issues). But it's more on the health front that it concerns me. I'm 45. Not in the best of health either - but what do I do? Just ignore this? So we get married down the road and then he's dead.

I'm terrible, I know, but I think about these things.

Also - his mom left him and his 2 brothers when he was 8. Just up and left and started a new family, then left them and moved back to the country she immigrated here from.

I coach this kind of thing - it's called ACE (adverse childhood events) and it has a huge impact on one's health.

His wife was I think 25 years older than him. They were married and together for about 20 years. Solid marriage. He took care of her as she died of cancer.

He's a seemingly "happy" guy. Always bright. Always making a joke.

Also likes to let me know what a good guy he is. I believe him. Tells me how his dental hygenist (age 25) asked him out after the death of his wife but he turned her down (where other guys told him "You shoulda gone for her") - he wanted someone more his own age.

We're supposed to go out again but I'm dragging. I do this sometimes and I'm not sure about why. I guess there are the obvious things - like he voted for Trump (but we talked about this) and he's christian. He wants to move to DC and work for National Security. He works for the Navy now. I'm on the fence. I guess. I see myself moving to like the woods of Maine eventually and writing novels. And yet....

 

I'll see if I can post the synastry chart.

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capDB
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Sunday, March 19, 2017 - 7:51 am
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All right, this might do it: astro-charts.com/chart/synastry/c5dda9736

Also don't have his birth time.

And this is the text version I guess (which didn't come out as a table but rather one long line!)

 

Ld's planets >
Sun

in

26°
Aquarius
 
Moon

in

15°
Aries
 
Mercury

in

11°
Aquarius
(r)
Venus

in

20°
Pisces
 
Mars

in

18°
Capricorn
 
Jupiter

in

22°
Pisces
 
Saturn

in

12°
Cancer
(r)
Uranus

in

Scorpio
(r)
Neptune

in

11°
Sagittarius
 
Pluto

in

Libra
(r)
North Node

in

Sagittarius
(r)
Chiron

in

20°
Aries
 
Ascendant

in

20°
Gemini
 
MC

in

24°
Aquarius
 
DB's planets >
Sun

in

17°
Capricorn
 
Moon

in

17°
Libra
 
Mercury

in

25°
Sagittarius
 
Venus

in

20°
Aquarius
 
Mars

in

Aries
 
Jupiter

in

24°
Sagittarius
 
Saturn

in

Gemini
(r)
Uranus

in

18°
Libra
 
Neptune

in

Sagittarius
 
Pluto

in

Libra
(r)
North Node

in

Aquarius
(r)
Chiron

in

Aries
 
Ascendant

in

Aquarius
 
MC

in

Sagittarius
 
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Tam
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Sunday, March 19, 2017 - 10:41 am
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I had a friend who's main focus was doing whatever it took to find someone to date then when she had someone to date she figured out how there was no way this was going to work. Chase/Impossible/Regret repeat. 

He sounds really great except for the Trump thing that would be a deal breaker for me. Even though I'm a moderate that votes for both parties it will take me years before I will forget that someone voted for him. Don't ask don't tell 🙂

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Sunday, March 19, 2017 - 10:58 am
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Tam - what did your friend end up doing?

This is me. I feel doomed.

I was okay with the Trump thing initially. I was raised by extreme right-wingers and was one for years, and then just went neutral and got out of the game, and then after this election, it was like I was back in PTSD.

We talked about some of the issues that concern me - and I don't think this guy is a misogynist or homophobic - and I'm actually okay with certain republican policies - very moderate ones - but just so not a fan of Trump (like I can't even look at the man).

I do wonder, though, if it's playing more of a role in my feet dragging then I'm letting on to.

It's been a big deal for me to transition away from those politics, and admit to my hippy leanings and find myself in a community (only in the last six-months) of progressive folks and like-minded thinkers. I worked hard for this. And I don't think this guy would threaten that? He's actually quite warm and kind as a human and I'm drawn to him. But I suppose it's probably also not the best idea with my history -

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Monday, March 20, 2017 - 6:55 pm
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capDB said
Tam - what did your friend end up doing?

This is me. I feel doomed.

I was okay with the Trump thing initially. I was raised by extreme right-wingers and was one for years, and then just went neutral and got out of the game, and then after this election, it was like I was back in PTSD.

We talked about some of the issues that concern me - and I don't think this guy is a misogynist or homophobic - and I'm actually okay with certain republican policies - very moderate ones - but just so not a fan of Trump (like I can't even look at the man).

I do wonder, though, if it's playing more of a role in my feet dragging then I'm letting on to.

It's been a big deal for me to transition away from those politics, and admit to my hippy leanings and find myself in a community (only in the last six-months) of progressive folks and like-minded thinkers. I worked hard for this. And I don't think this guy would threaten that? He's actually quite warm and kind as a human and I'm drawn to him. But I suppose it's probably also not the best idea with my history -  

As far as I know she is still in the same cycle, we aren't in the same social circles anymore. As long as he doesn't suffer from “confirmation bias” when it comes to Trump then he should be fine. 

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Tuesday, March 21, 2017 - 11:14 am
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As long as he doesn't suffer from “confirmation bias” when it comes to Trump then he should be fine.  laugh

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Tuesday, March 21, 2017 - 11:39 am
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capDB said
The aquarius is a tough one for me. I am trying to "surrender" - he wrote to me on the dating site. He's very heavy. Somehow this didn't bother me. He said he's losing weight (and he is) (diet and exercise). He's a good-looking guy.

 

He was very transparent about his weight. And he kept trying to give me a ticket out "It's okay if you aren't interested. I understand. I wouldn't want someone overweight." I said, "Let's do this." He was super kind - very communicative - and he is just an impressive guy. Stand up guy - for real.

So I meet him and it turns out both his parents died of cancer at age 54. He's 42. I got a bad feeling about that. Plus the weight (which I can get over - b/c he's losing - and lord knows I have my own issues). But it's more on the health front that it concerns me. I'm 45. Not in the best of health either - but what do I do? Just ignore this? So we get married down the road and then he's dead.

I'm terrible, I know, but I think about these things.

Also - his mom left him and his 2 brothers when he was 8. Just up and left and started a new family, then left them and moved back to the country she immigrated here from.

I coach this kind of thing - it's called ACE (adverse childhood events) and it has a huge impact on one's health.

His wife was I think 25 years older than him. They were married and together for about 20 years. Solid marriage. He took care of her as she died of cancer.

He's a seemingly "happy" guy. Always bright. Always making a joke.

Also likes to let me know what a good guy he is. I believe him. Tells me how his dental hygenist (age 25) asked him out after the death of his wife but he turned her down (where other guys told him "You shoulda gone for her") - he wanted someone more his own age.

We're supposed to go out again but I'm dragging. I do this sometimes and I'm not sure about why. I guess there are the obvious things - like he voted for Trump (but we talked about this) and he's christian. He wants to move to DC and work for National Security. He works for the Navy now. I'm on the fence. I guess. I see myself moving to like the woods of Maine eventually and writing novels. And yet....

 

I'll see if I can post the synastry chart.  

The red flag I see is that he likes to tell you what a good guy he is. Why does he need to tell you? Why wouldn't he just rely on his actions? It takes time to really know a person, so over time he wouldn't have to tell you. He would just be.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2017 - 8:10 pm
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Thanks, Allie - I am keeping an eye on that 🙂

I feel like he really wants someone to see that about him and doesn't trust that they will or something. Sometimes I get that way. Like I want this to be LOUD AND CLEAR that I am ___________ (hardworking, a good mom, rarely have time to myself, am a, b, c) so I will give him some slack on that.

It's not really a red flag for me (just because it's happening in person and I sense that he is a good guy - not like a wolf in sheeps clothing :)) but still just observing....

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Tuesday, March 21, 2017 - 11:38 pm
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That's good, capDB! It's true that you might have a better or different feeling in person. I hope it all works out well 😃

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