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Is your love style affected by your parents?
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Kleo
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Friday, July 14, 2017 - 5:53 am
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I have been feeling and noticing recently, that I have a hard time showing my affection towards people and I sometimes can't feel the joy like others. And I see that my mom is cold towards my father, she always swcond guesses him, he is not a masculine guy at all, always asking for approval etc. And it hurts me to see and realize I have grown in an envinronment where my parents don't show affection to each other and they have a hard time with love. I feel it has affected me too and it hurts when I am with them and I see other people how genuine they are with each other and they have intimacy and communicate easy and with love in families. And our reunions feel so awkward and make belief. 

I feel constricted with love to other people too, I feel I just don't have an emotional connection to them, and thus, I don't know hoe to be friendly and loving with other people too, they way I want to be. 

What was your style of love in your family? How did it affected you and how do you cope with it now? How did you break from the mold? 

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Alethia
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Friday, July 14, 2017 - 6:30 am
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I'm the opposite. My father is a very cold man, never told me he loved me or showed affection. My mother had also difficulties in showing me affection and although she was more affectionate, she was never by my side in the hard moments. I'm a very warm person with my closest friends and lovers, but I'm very very distant and cold with foreign people and a bit too much of an introvert.

I was always like this, but had a hard time to let go of false friends and lovers, because my need for affection is huge. After my first Saturn return I started to feel stronger and cut down unnecessary relationships. It happened all of a sudden, i just think I grew tired of begging for love and that's why...

I don't know if this is a good advice, but why should you force your personality to become more friendly or more affectionate? If this is how you are, I think there are people who love you and appreciate you for who you are because they see beyond... I have a friend who is not an affectionate person, but I love her for her brilliant mind, the clarity of her ideas and the fact that I can always count on her. I think there are people out there who will love you for who you are. 

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Friday, July 14, 2017 - 6:46 am
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My, oh my, no. I'm the complete opposite though I'd not think it is in reaction to them. I honestly don't know how they ended up with four kids. By the time I came around, it looked like a mostly platonic relationship, ha ha. Dad didn't put his arm around Mom and they rarely shared even a peck in front of us. Must be that puritan upbringing. I, on the other hand, have always been one for showing affection openly and publicly. If I like someone, I want the whole world to know it. I don't want people to be in my private life but I'm proud of who I've got with me and I celebrate them. I definitely always wanted a tiger in the sack too. It's always the quiet ones!! I so love women to pieces.

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Friday, July 14, 2017 - 6:50 am
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There is no one size fits all for me. My attachment style changes depending on the person/situation. If someone is in hot pursuit of me, I clam up or go "cold" - if someone is unavailable, I am more likely to throw myself at them (if other conditions are right) and be more "loving" -

But when things are just healthy and not too much or too little, I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I'm not overly touchy-feely but I am affectionate. Touch and things like that are all so individual and I find can fluctuate - I'm very affectionate and cuddly with my 7 year old and we always have been. She loves it and is always seeking it and I'm happy to snuggle, hug, and love her up whenever she wants. Friends I will hug or adore without touch. Partners it's a mixed bag...

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Kleo
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Friday, July 14, 2017 - 7:14 am
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I am very affectionate with guys if they are my boyfriends, I meant affectionate towards people in general, especially when I meet them for the first time. It's hard to get close or just approach them, I don't have this instinct in me. And I look at other people how they have no problems in being friendly and just...human lol. Maybe now I am under the influence of my parents and I don't feel like doing anything, because I somehow despise that they are not honest and just divorce if they don't love each other. They don't fight, but the coldness between them, is unfluencing me, making me sad and wondering am I not in a normal, loving family. It's like I'm losing my centre. 

I am affectionate with friends that I already have, but when it comes to making new ones or socializing and enjoying it,  I just don't. How I feel in general, I can't shake it off and I am moodless to say.

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Friday, July 14, 2017 - 7:59 am
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Kleo said
I am very affectionate with guys if they are my boyfriends, I meant affectionate towards people in general, especially when I meet them for the first time. It's hard to get close or just approach them, I don't have this instinct in me. And I look at other people how they have no problems in being friendly and just...human lol. Maybe now I am under the influence of my parents and I don't feel like doing anything, because I somehow despise that they are not honest and just divorce if they don't love each other. They don't fight, but the coldness between them, is unfluencing me, making me sad and wondering am I not in a normal, loving family. It's like I'm losing my centre. 

I am affectionate with friends that I already have, but when it comes to making new ones or socializing and enjoying it,  I just don't. How I feel in general, I can't shake it off and I am moodless to say.  

I think you are just fine the way you are 🙂 It took me a long time to accept me as I am, I am like you in this aspect. With new people I put distance. But I came to take me as I am and now I wonder why I tried to be different, forcing feelings I didn't have? What is wrong with being more distant in the beginning? It takes time to know the persons and some have the gift of approaching people easier others don't.

I am affectionate with friends that I already have, but when it comes to making new ones or socializing and enjoying it, I just don't. How I feel in general, I can't shake it off and I am moodless to say.

You are capable of showing affection and maybe you just need to feel comfortable with people first this is why you feel moodless. I can totally relate to you. And I really think it is ok to be like that and that there is nothing to blame if one needs more time to open up. 🙂

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Friday, July 14, 2017 - 8:11 am
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I know that, but, I feel and I know I have inherited this behavior from my mom, or maybe I mimic it since it is whaat I have seen as a child. With some people, I can hit it off from the start, that's rare though. But I have this internal feeling when I see new people, as if I am afraid they will bite me, it's like I'm afraid of putting myself out there and approaching, because people will think I am uninteresting. I see people who have this confidence and they have grown with love (I know one case in particular). And bscause her mother always expresses how much she loves her with different words etc, she has many friends, is extremely friendly,and everybody loves her and she knows it. And that's because she was raised in such an envinronment. I know I can't change that about my parents, but I just feel everybody is normal with loving families, and I feel without identity and without a centre, because I kind of despise how they are and I separate myself mentally. And I never thought that would hurt me in how I view myself.

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Friday, July 14, 2017 - 9:16 am
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I'd say let people think you are uninteresting... who are these people out there? Why would you need them to see you as an interesting person? Do they matter for you? If yes, why? If not, why even bother their opinion?

You have many things to offer, but there is no need that everyone sees your inner self.... I've always thought the best version of me has to be kept hidden and shown to few people. It is true I didn't not always act like that and in the past I made mistakes that caused me lot of suffering, but know I've learnt my lesson.

It might sound a bit harsh to say this, but I'll say it to you like I say it to myself: you don't need that those people out there see you interesting. You don't even need to be extremely friendly. There are people who like you the way you are and those are the ones that matter.

Maybe for your friend it was not just the environment. I know cases of people who are complete assholes and their family was great and loving. Maybe your friend is just like that by nature. Very few people have the chance to grow in balanced and loving and healthy environments. You were not... I was not... There are others too... We have to try to make the best with what we have and to make the best version of us. And most important: to accept us. Would you like to be like her? Why? What would that bring to you? 

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Siv
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Friday, July 14, 2017 - 9:22 am
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 I can relate to that feeling. I wallowed in it for years because I felt sorry for myself that I didn't have what my friends did and that I was disadvantaged socially because my family is dysfunctional. I've come to terms, over the past year, that I was just dealt a different hand in life than your average Joe and I must face different challenges as an adult that many people don't even think about because they solved these problems as kids. And that's okay. Everyone has a different path. 

What was your style of love in your family? 

I lived with my grandparents until I was ten because my mom worked three jobs while also getting her degree, I didn't see her much so I was bombarded by affection when I did. My grandparents are hardcore fundamentalist Christians and they hate each other but stay together in mutual misery because divorce is a sin. It didn't matter how ugly the insides looked, so long as the outside was polished and pretty so no one could see the soul rotting inside. Other people's opinions mattered a lot and if relative strangers wouldn't approve, it was a disgraceful thing to do/think/say. Never create conflict, always smooth it over and apologize to the authority figure if even you were right.

Physically they were affectionate with me, I was never left wanting for hugs and kisses or spending time together. The problem, for me, didn't develop until I was older and starting to question why things were the this way or that. They didn't like my line of questions or interests and tried to squash my personality because it didn't fit the mold they created. My entire family was fractured by this absurd mindset and now everyone lives in a different state and refuses to communicate with each other.

My mom is actually too affectionate with me, to the point where she kills me with compassion. I know she feels guilty for not really being there when I was young so she does things for me I should be doing myself. As a teenager, she stepped in and fought my battles for me, which was great at the time but crippled me in the long run because I never really learned how to deal with conflict and be assertive. That is a challenge I'm dealing with now managing a very busy customer service desk and interacting with upset or angry shoppers all day long.  

tl;dr My family is physically affectionate but emotionally and intellectually repressed. It feels like a fake family, a hologram where a solid foundation should be.

How did it affected you and how do you cope with it now?

I used to feel sorry for myself when I would visit friends on Thanksgiving and see how warm and friendly their families were, dying inside because I wished mine was like that so bad. I have realized that my crazy family taught me a lot about what not to do, how not to be. It's up to me to figure out how I do want to be and just do it.

How did you break from the mold? 

I rejected the mold early on. It felt wrong not to. I found myself a good, small group of friends and they are my family now. I did a lot of soul searching and writing in my journal analyzing my experiences, faults and virtues. I'm still working on that. 

There is a psychology professor from Canada, Jordan Peterson, who posts all of his lectures on youtube for free and wow, has he thrown me for a loop multiple times. He talks a lot about traveling to the underworld to fight the dragon and rescue your father. It's metaphor for going into yourself,  looking at the ugliness and actually dealing with it to return with your real values defined and engaged. It's fascinating stuff.

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Friday, July 14, 2017 - 9:41 am
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@Alethia...well, that's a good question, why I want them to think I am interesting...I think I am complexed because I look cold and I lack skills in being friendly with new people, or just being joyful, and I burry myself in these thoughts. I think I just want to be surrounded by people, the right people of course, not just for the sake of it. I guess I feel unloved in general. And I know I am a great person inside, but I can't express that outside. I'll write more soon, I'm on the road now and can't concentrate. Bottom line is I don't understand how some of you achieved this level of not judging your way of being, Saturn 1st house I guess. Damn

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Friday, July 14, 2017 - 12:07 pm
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Yes and no. My parents are affectionate with each other, and they're sort of affectionate with me. Sure, they had some influence, but I have my own, internal disposition.

I sometimes find receiving affection from people extremely uncomfortable. I feel awkward with hugs.

For example, I know an extremely warm person, but I still put him at a distance. Not because there's anything wrong with him, but I find it uncomfortable to be what I perceive as "too close". I have Uranus prominent, and I don't like to be too close. I like that he is affectionate though, because I am not! I am never going to be the kind of person that is warm, friendly, and affectionate with strangers, acquaintances, and friends because I'm not wired that way, although I enjoy people who are. I think they're great. I love people who are easily warm and affectionate because they tend to put me at ease. I find it easy to talk to them. I usually don't approach people first, so when people approach me, it makes it easier for me to approach them later if I want to.

I also have Saturn in the 1st, which I read can be guarded. I am guarded for sure in the beginning, but I do warm up to people over time. I have my own brand of affection, which is not the warm, friendly kind. It's more of a quiet kind. I am super affectionate with my husband, but I'm not very affectionate with pets or other people. Venus in Virgo and other influences. Different people show affection in different ways. The person above has Venus in Cancer with a stellium in the sign. He shows affection like a dad. You feel like family. He is so Cancerian, I think it's funny as hell. I highly doubt he has Saturn in the 1st. It's more likely for him to have Jupiter in the 1st, Jupiter conjunct the Ascendant, or Sagittarius rising because he is always joking.

Although you may and can feel that way, sometimes I do, too. Everybody is not normal with loving families. There are people with very dysfunctional families that are warm to everyone because they were born that way.

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Friday, July 14, 2017 - 11:57 pm
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My parents divorced when I was four, so I don't remember much about how they were together. Probably not very affectionate. 

With their new respective partners (both parents have been marrued 5 times each), I never saw a lot of love emanating from either of them.

Towards us kids, my dad was physically affectionate but it always felt aggressive to me and not respectful. Pinching cheeks, and just manhandling in general. To this day he'll grab my face to give me a kiss on my cheek. Maybe it's a Portuguese thing, I don't know. I think if he wasn't rageful and scary at other times, I would have found it comforting. But he scared the crap out of me in general. 

My mom is not affectionate. She can be pretty icy. 

I am not into affection with strangers. I'm glad I don't live in a place where cheek kissing is a greeting. I'll hug an acquaintance of either gender if I get an ok vibe. One female acquaintance I have gives these almost sensual hugs, where she wraps her arms around my waist and will kiss my neck sometimes. I'm not into that. 

It depends on the comfort level for me. 

And kleo it doesn't sound like you have a neuroses about affection. It does sound like you compare yourself to others quite a bit though. I think that's beneificial if you can see that you are just as capable of having those qualities they possess. You can be whatever you want. 

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Saturday, July 15, 2017 - 4:58 am
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Kleo said
@Alethia...well, that's a good question, why I want them to think I am interesting...I think I am complexed because I look cold and I lack skills in being friendly with new people, or just being joyful, and I burry myself in these thoughts. I think I just want to be surrounded by people, the right people of course, not just for the sake of it. I guess I feel unloved in general. And I know I am a great person inside, but I can't express that outside. I'll write more soon, I'm on the road now and can't concentrate. Bottom line is I don't understand how some of you achieved this level of not judging your way of being, Saturn 1st house I guess. Damn  

Kleo, I think every person who wrote here had a hard journey. Maybe some come into this world with a certain easiness for approaching people, but the majority of us have to find a solution, a middle way, something that works for us so that we don't feel unsettled or unhappy all the time. For each person is different. I was very judging towards my way of being, I have a heavy Virgo chart, so imagine that 🙂 It was hard, had to fight against my mind very much, it was a long journey because my critical abilities are extreme.... 🙂 

The thing is that not everyone will be able to see you are a great person inside. No matter how much you'll try. It does not worth putting all your effort and energy into this. some will see, some won't. Because you can fight and reach a level of not judging yourself anymore, but you can't stop people from judging you. This is how people are made. I see this every day... the judging mechanism of the people around me. But now I just don't care anymore.

You don't even have to write here, you just have to try to answer for yourself why will you need for people to see you interesting? What would this bring to you? They are strangers for you, even if they'll see you as interesting, someone more interesting can appear at any moment... so why will you need their attention?

A few years ago I had a very good friend. He was the smartest guy I've ever met. He was just brilliant. He taught me about humbleness. Because although he was so brilliant, he just didn't show his luminous side to everyone. In the beginning, I could not understand... then one day he told me something very simple, a religious quote, but very very true: "Don’t give what is holy to dogs or throw your pearls to pigs. Otherwise, they will trample them and then tear you to pieces." Then I started to understand...

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Saturday, July 15, 2017 - 10:29 am
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Loving your insights. Especially the feeding pearls to the pigs one. I don't consider myself that precious though, but yes, I do compare myself to others, although I wish I didn't. Subconsciously I think, I am mad at myself for not being able to upgrade my behavior and thinking to something better. It's a period in my life where I feel stuck, or maybe I am making excuses, and that's what's tearing me, like I want to be an evolved Pisces, not a lazy one.

@Alethia, I think if people find me interesting, that would bring their admiration and their wish to spend time with me. And once again, to feel loved and wanted for my persona. Right now, I feel I am not my best self, emotionally that is, and I have this impression that I look and have this "meh" vibe, uninteresting and people don't reach out to me a lot. Not that I have many friends, but still. I was watching today a famous youtuber, a girl, and she waa saying in her video that she isn't happy. And I could relate to her, because she was in the same situation. She had no friends (I have 5-6 friends), her relationship was not working lately and she knew it isn't going to work in the future as well. And she was in Italy right now and she said she couldn't enjoy the time there, she just can't. And I thought that maybe because of my external events now, not feeling emotionally satisfied with my job, feeling that I don't know what I'm good at, seeing friends once or twice a month, not feeling that they want me like before, hanging out with other people, all these events I suspect have led me to not enjoy when I am going out or enjoy the things that once were a source of food for my soul. 

So I guess that it's true what they say "All you need is love". Like literally, everything I am going right now is because of lack of love and support. Or the love I used to feel for and from people in my life..

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