My childhood involved a father (Leo sun, Cancer moon) whose emotions were, ultimately, more important than those of his children. He did not express this verbally but his actions did. What happened in our day-to-day revolved around his emotions - his anxiety disorder found its way into every corner of our life. And I’m almost certain there is undiagnosed bipolar disorder.
When his Aries sun Pisces moon daughter (me) would show feelings, he would panic and display this total onslaught of different emotions right after the other (anxiety, anger, sadness, trying to calmly rationalize, then back to the other emotions). This has happened in my adult life recently because I cried in front of him about a world event that upset me. And then came the big deja vu thought of “Why did I let this happen? Let's calm down so he can calm down."
At age 10, my sister with autism (who I love so much) was born. Then, there was absolutely no room for me to show anything but responsibility, acceptance, self-sustaining and emotionally mature behavior at all times.
The only choice has always been for me to just stop showing feelings in order to get him to stop. And instantly, he would be fine. This creates a very emotionally suppressed pressure-cooker of a person who explodes without notice.
So there was another triggering moment like this today, but it was one of those things that doesn’t happen TO you, it happens FOR you. It lead to an awareness of what needs to be done. It’s time to shake the notion that everyone is going to respond to my feelings the way my dad does. There’s also some inner child work that needs to done, and it involves looking at your the child self and telling her these things: I love you, I hear you, you didn’t deserve this, I’m sorry, I forgive you, thank you, you did your best.
Reading this, I was thinking, "she's a leader."
You probably don't see this about yourself but you were being a leader back then... a sensitive (mutable) leader.
I wonder if this kind of frame might work for you. You were a good leader back then but now you're in different circumstances... but still a leader. That's means you just need to shift. Also, Jupiter transit will open doors for you as well.
This touched me deeply. I had a version of that childhood. Both parents were just extra. Too much to say about them.
I had to hold in emotions because I had to be the responsible person in the home. Raise my sisters. There was no one else capable to do it. There was no room for crying. Imagine that? 5 planets in Scorpio person with a Cancer rising.... unable to cry. In fact, I better not do it. Or else.
Even today, after confronting both my parents about this, and them both apologizing and agreeing it was true, it still backs up on me.
❤️
(((((((rapunzelsoldierfish)))))))
My late dad was such a rational, calm and practical person when it comes to others and I loved his calm words, how in stressful situations he would always be down to earth. He was a Virgo and on the other hand my late mom Sun in Sag, Moon in Gemini, and Asc in Leo, her emotions were always all over the place. It was intense and I wouldn't mind, but what I still do mind is that her emotions were the most important ones. God forbid if I would have been sad or cried in front of her. In one minute she would show support, and in the other minute she would say how it's affecting her so bad to see me cry and you wouldn't even know it, suddenly it would be all about her. I never got the right to say that I'm sad, that I'm going through some really bad situations, or show that I'm worried or feard when she was sick. I would always have to be cool and calm, not show anything how I feel because that would keep her calm.
@soup exactly, no room for tears, no room for sadness, no room for being a child, even as a grown-up.
What I resent is this, I was her parent, she wasn't mine. I had to be a parent, a husband she lost, best friend, everything, and never show emotions so she wouldn't worry or lose control over her emotions. My chart, it's all water, Cancer, Scorpio, 8th and 12th houses, and I managed to learn how to control my emotions but I'm not proud of it, I don't like it.
It was like this with both my parents. It still is. I guess it’s just not that common to have people around who can witness someone having a breakdown because they are either repressed or already overwhelmed. I try to forgive them for that. Not everyone is strong even if they want to be. And honestly I’ve worked my whole life on dealing with my emotional volatility and intensity and it’s almost not fair to expect anyone else to have some mastery over that when I’m still working on it.
I feel like I’ve gotten kind of a grip on this though and I’ve come a long way with a lot of work. To me, it’s totally healthy to have emotional breakdowns from time to time and I just provide myself with that space. Other humans are not a reliable source of support for me- it’s just the truth. But I find emotional support in connecting with the spiritual realm and Nature (same thing to me). Doing this on a daily basis, even when I feel good has strengthened me in ways I can’t even express and has taken the pressure off of my relationships so that they can truly flourish. I still get upset but I’m not repressing anything and I’m not pressuring anyone else to be something they can’t be and me and my relationships feel healthier. My challenge right now is just communicating with others my need for that private sacred space.
And just to provide perspective on the amount of intensity that my aura holds, I have Sun conjunct Pluto on MC, Moon conjunct Mercury in Scorpio, Mars conjunct Uranus in Scorpio and Venus in the eighth house.
PS: it sounds like you really are in a solution based mindset and not in victim mode at all. That’s a big advantage imo and I think it’s awesome that you are looking into healing. Good job!