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Forgiving Ourselves and Expressing Ourselves


Rapunzelsoldierfish
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My childhood involved a father (Leo sun, Cancer moon) whose emotions were, ultimately, more important than those of his children.  He did not express this verbally but his actions did. What happened in our day-to-day revolved around his emotions - his anxiety disorder found its way into every corner of our life. And I’m almost certain there is undiagnosed bipolar disorder. 

 

When his Aries sun Pisces moon daughter (me) would show feelings, he would panic and display this total onslaught of different emotions right after the other (anxiety, anger, sadness, trying to calmly rationalize, then back to the other emotions).  This has happened in my adult life recently because I cried in front of him about a world event that upset me. And then came the big deja vu thought of “Why did I let this happen? Let's calm down so he can calm down."

 

At age 10, my sister with autism (who I love so much) was born. Then, there was absolutely no room for me to show anything but responsibility, acceptance, self-sustaining and emotionally mature behavior at all times. 

 

The only choice has always been for me to just stop showing feelings in order to get him to stop. And instantly, he would be fine. This creates a very emotionally suppressed pressure-cooker of a person who explodes without notice.

 

So there was another triggering moment like this today, but it was one of those things that doesn’t happen TO you, it happens FOR you. It lead to an awareness of what needs to be done. It’s time to shake the notion that everyone is going to respond to my feelings the way my dad does. There’s also some inner child work that needs to done, and it involves looking at your the child self and telling her these things: I love you, I hear you, you didn’t deserve this, I’m sorry, I forgive you, thank you, you did your best. 

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Elsa
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Reading this, I was thinking, "she's a leader."

You probably don't see this about yourself but you were being a leader back then... a sensitive (mutable) leader.

I wonder if this kind of frame might work for you.  You were a good leader back then but now you're in different circumstances... but still a leader.  That's means you just need to shift.  Also, Jupiter transit will open doors for you as well.

 

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Rapunzelsoldierfish
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@elsa Thank you again Elsa for this comment and such an illuminating reading yesterday!

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Elsa
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@rapunzelsoldierfish you're welcome! I enjoyed it.

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soup
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This touched me deeply. I had a version of that childhood. Both parents were just extra. Too much to say about them. 

I had to hold in emotions because I had to be the responsible person in the home. Raise my sisters. There was no one else capable to do it. There was no room for crying. Imagine that? 5 planets in Scorpio person with a Cancer rising.... unable to cry. In fact, I better not do it. Or else. 

Even today, after confronting both my parents about this, and them both apologizing and agreeing it was true, it still backs up on me. 

❤️

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Rapunzelsoldierfish
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@soup Thank you for sharing. 5 planets in Scorpio with a Cancer rising... I have no words. I hope you can find healing from this. I know astrology must help you immensely - I know it does for me!

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Dori
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(((((((rapunzelsoldierfish)))))))

 

My late dad was such a rational, calm and practical person when it comes to others and I loved his calm words, how in stressful situations he would always be down to earth. He was a Virgo and on the other hand my late mom Sun in Sag, Moon in Gemini, and Asc in Leo, her emotions were always all over the place. It was intense and I wouldn't mind, but what I still do mind is that her emotions were the most important ones. God forbid if I would have been sad or cried in front of her. In one minute she would show support, and in the other minute she would say how it's affecting her so bad to see me cry and you wouldn't even know it, suddenly it would be all about her. I never got the right to say that I'm sad, that I'm going through some really bad situations, or show that I'm worried or feard when she was sick. I would always have to be cool and calm, not show anything how I feel because that would keep her calm. 

 

@soup exactly, no room for tears, no room for sadness, no room for being a child, even as a grown-up.

 

What I resent is this, I was her parent, she wasn't mine. I had to be a parent, a husband she lost, best friend, everything, and never show emotions so she wouldn't worry or lose control over her emotions. My chart, it's all water, Cancer, Scorpio, 8th and 12th houses, and I managed to learn how to control my emotions but I'm not proud of it, I don't like it.

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Libra Noir
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@dori Have you ever heard of Adult Children of Alcoholics? It doesn’t necessarily have to apply to only alcoholics. I hear some similarities in your impressions of your mother with mine (who is/was a heavy drinker) and ACoA has helped me a lot in just feeling validated.

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@libra-noir actually, she was drinking. not every day, but she would get drunk often, especially when I was in high school. When my dad died, her drinking slowly stopped, and last few years of her life, I can't even remember when it was the last time it happened. But when she would drink, that was intense, she would get very verbally aggressive. I guess she was feeling under a big burden of her marriage, her parents. I don't know, never found out what was the reason why she drank, or why she stopped.

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Rapunzelsoldierfish
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@dori Hugs back atcha! 

I wonder if it's that some people are like a forever-child and have to be the most heard or seen. - sounds Leo-like

Perhaps it's an anxiety-driven response. They don't know how to react to the emotions of someone in front of them? (Gemini?)

Or the need to just lay it all out there - Sadge.

Or a combination of all three in a form of a human being! That sure must have been hard to manage and when you've got all that flowing water!

I've heard about using water to meditate as a healing technique - my pisces moon likes it. Enjoying a bath or shower with all your being. Letting a hot shower wash away literal or figurative tears. Water fountains in the home - or if you have pets, the ones they sell for pets to drink out of. 

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@rapunzelsoldierfish I would just like to say, thank you. Smile You've started this topic and I wanted to share my experience, and then @libra-noir gave an insight of her own, not even knowing what she will do. Smile Yesterday I went searching for the term ACOA, and my world changed in an instant. I was everything on the list, but everything. All of my life, I thought that I was the problem, that I was too intense, oversensitive, over the top, insecure because I went to schools where I didn't belong, my family situation, etc. All of my life I'm searching for answers to why I'm constantly in the same patterns of situations, and then after 3 hours of reading, so many things had more sense. When I was writing things above about my mom, I felt I was still mad at her for not letting me be the daughter, but instead I had to be everything. And now, I'm just relieved that finally, I connected the dots, I finally understand my reactions or lack of it. I can't move on or have closure if I don't understand, I have to understand, and I do now. And I don't blame her anymore, I'm just happy that I know why am I like I am not just now, why I'm like that my whole life, why I had those relationships with alcoholics and addicts or abusive men, I was trying to save them like I tried to save her. I will forever and ever adore my mom, and yes, I will probably always be kind of mad at her for being a child when she was supposed to be an adult and for having an addiction because of which, sometimes I had a feeling I hated her. But I adore her, and always will. But you girls, @rapunzelsoldierfish and @libra-noir, you've done a very good deed, not even knowing what you are doing, thank you from the bottom of my little happy heart heart heart heart heart

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Libra Noir
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@dori This made my day to read! I’m so glad I was able to pass something along that was so generously passed to me.

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@libra-noir you've made my day yesterday when you shared your knowledge and experience with me and you were so right, so thank you again! Smile Tho I never talk about my mom's dark moments. Sometimes I'm ashamed to share, but sometimes I just don't want to put a black dot over her, people are judging, and she was a fantastic person, no matter of her problems with alcohol. I always thought I should protect her image because she was drinking probably because she was unhappy and didn't have anyone to lean on, everything was always on her back.

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Libra Noir
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@dori I totally understand that too, that kind of inner conflict of not liking someone’s behavior but loving them. I think that’s an aspect of the whole codependency thing too. In my case I finally came to the place of “I’m incapable of protecting you from yourself even if I want to”. That was pretty freeing.

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@libra-noir I came to the same place, but for different reasons. She was sick, and finally, I realized 'I can't save you anymore, even if I want to, you actually don't want to be saved'. It was so hard, but yes, freeing.

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Rapunzelsoldierfish
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@dori Wow, this really made my day! I'm so glad you were able to open a doorway to healing and I feel happy to be a part of that! There really is tremendous understanding and closure that can come with reading about similar experiences. There's kind of a basic template for what you've already gone through - everyone's situations are different so it's a modifiable template, but a template nonetheless and a way to make sense of a tangled mess of a yarn ball of an experience. I know how it feels to have a parent who you just adore, but you know you didn't deserve what they wound up putting you through. I hope it gets easier to untangle from here!

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Libra Noir
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It was like this with both my parents. It still is. I guess it’s just not that common to have people around who can witness someone having a breakdown because they are either repressed or already overwhelmed. I try to forgive them for that. Not everyone is strong even if they want to be. And honestly I’ve worked my whole life on dealing with my emotional volatility and intensity and it’s almost not fair to expect anyone else to have some mastery over that when I’m still working on it. 

I feel like I’ve gotten kind of a grip on this though and I’ve come a long way with a lot of work. To me, it’s totally healthy to have emotional breakdowns from time to time and I just provide myself with that space. Other humans are not a reliable source of support for me- it’s just the truth. But I find emotional support in connecting with the spiritual realm and Nature (same thing to me). Doing this on a daily basis, even when I feel good has strengthened me in ways I can’t even express and has taken the pressure off of my relationships so that they can truly flourish. I still get upset but I’m not repressing anything and I’m not pressuring anyone else to be something they can’t be and me and my relationships feel healthier. My challenge right now is just communicating with others my need for that private sacred space. 

And just to provide perspective on the amount of intensity that my aura holds, I have Sun conjunct Pluto on MC, Moon conjunct Mercury in Scorpio, Mars conjunct Uranus in Scorpio and Venus in the eighth house. 

PS: it sounds like you really are in a solution based mindset and not in victim mode at all. That’s a big advantage imo and I think it’s awesome that you are looking into healing. Good job! 

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Rapunzelsoldierfish
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@libra-noir Thank you for sharing! Those are some very intense placements and it sounds like you are feeding your soul accordingly! I see how nature would be extra healing and I would imagine grounding into the earth with bare feet would really benefit you.

I see a naturopathic healer with Sun conjunct Pluto - then I got acquainted with just how powerful of a placement this is. Colon-hydrotherapy saved her life as a child and she made this her profession. She is still working at nearly 80 years old.  "Doing your destiny" if I could think of a one-liner for this placement.

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Libra Noir
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@rapunzelsoldierfish Cool! Colonics I guess are pretty Plutonic when I think about it lol.

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Rapunzelsoldierfish
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@libra-noir Yep! Tossing out the old to make way for new. They are very transformative

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